Author's Note: I do not own Inuyasha by Rumiko Takahashi. This is a fan based fiction piece written in my spare time. I am not getting paid to write this. Please support the original release.
CHAPTER 1
Kagome's first therapy session took place a year prior. She had stood near the front door and paced in increments of five steps. She kept looking at her watch checking the time, her eyes going back and forth between her watch and the door. She was anxious and wanted so badly to re-clean every surface in her house but knew that she wouldn't have time before her guest arrived. She counted each step in her head while tapping her fingers against her crossed arms.
Her mother had hired a new therapist that specializes in exposure and response prevention therapy. She promised her that she would continue therapy and not quit after one session like last time. She was forced to agree to it in order to prepare for her last semester of university. Even though her degree can be completed entirely online, there is one class that she is forced to attend on campus. She had tried fighting it but to no avail. She had dreaded this moment and dreaded meeting new people and new environments. If anything was out of her control, it filled her with soul crushing anxiety.
Finally a knock came to the door. Kagome held her breath as she looked through the peephole. Recognizing the woman from the picture her mother sent, she unlocked and locked the door five times before cracking it open and peeking through.
"Higurashi Kagome?" the woman asked in a soft tone.
"Yes." she managed to squeak back. It had been a while since she spoke aloud to anyone other than her mother and her voice sounded foreign to herself.
"I'm Dr. Iwasaki. Your mother told you I was coming, yes?" her voice was kind and cautious as she tested Kagome's comfort level through the crack of the door.
"Yes."
"If you're comfortable, may I come in or would you like to come outside?"
"No! You can come in. But please put these on." Kagome grabbed paper slippers and handed them to the doctor making sure not to touch her hands. "Can you also leave your shoes here in the hallway?"
"Of course." she smiled sweetly. Kagome watched her slip off her black leather clogs and carefully put on the paper slippers before opening the door to let her inside her apartment. Kagome closed the door, locking and unlocking before locking it a final time. Her hands formed into fists as she crossed her arms again, watching the doctor curiously as she looked around the room.
"Your home is very clean." She smiled and crossed towards the sofa. "May I sit?"
"Yes." Kagome nodded and gestured to the sofa with both hands before sitting across from her on the armchair.
"Can you walk me through your current compulsions?" She asked taking out a notebook and pen. "Try to remember all of them, and you can take your time."
Kagome began to explain her daily routine, trying very hard to not to leave anything out. By the time the doctor was done, she had a whole page of bulleted points.
"Okay good. We can tackles these down together. Let me ask, what do you hope to gain from our sessions?"
"I uh…" She looked down at her lap. "I want to feel less anxious. I really want to be able to live a normal life."
"Okay well let's start with this, don't ever think you're not normal. Normal isn't clearly defined, right?"
"I guess so." The doctor smiled and jotted down some notes.
"Now let's talk about the first time you realized you had these urges to clean. How old were you?"
"I think I was...ten or eleven. I was in elementary school."
"Was that the same year your father passed?"
"Yes."
"And did your compulsions start before or after his accident?"
"I think before." Kagome laced her fingers together in her lap. She watched as Dr. Iwasaki scribbled notes down. Each stroke of her pen seemed to echo in her ears.
"Do you remember how it started?"
Kagome looked away and swallowed hard. There were memories, small flashes of that time. She remembered the ribbon her mother would tie her hair in. Her elementary school uniform and the time it rained a lot when she walked home from school. Kagome shook her head and scrunched up her shoulders.
"I-I don't really recall right now…" she lied.
"That's okay." she gave a warm smile. "There's no need to rush anything."
"It was so long ago…"
"We can cross that bridge when we get to it. Now I'm here to make sure that you get as uncomfortable as possible. Our goal is to get you prepared for school but also to help you control your compulsions. We don't want you to live in fear anymore."
"This is going to take a while, isn't it?"
"It varies from person to person but everyone has their own journey. Just remember, you are not your worst part. You have a condition and we can remedy it."
"That's actually really comforting." she exhaled.
"Let's begin today if you're comfortable."
"Okay." she nodded.
"We'll start with something small and work our way through the toughest ones. Everything takes time so don't feel discouraged if you're progressing slowly. Moving forward is better than moving backward. What's something that causes the least amount of anxiety for you? It could be something like touching a doorknob with your bare hand or consuming a certain food or drink." She opened her briefcase and took out a pad of paper and a pen that were sealed in a plastic bag. "This has been sanitized. Let's try writing down a list of these things. Start with the least amount of anxiety at the top and the bottom being the most." She slid it on the table towards Kagome.
She paused for a moment and grabbed the pen and paper. She started writing down the numbers in ascending order and stared at the numbers, feeling the pressure to write down her worst fears. She had been determined to get well and knew this would be a small step to getting there. Slowly, she wrote down:
1. Eating food that has touched another food.
2. Touching a doorknob.
3. Letting other people touch my things.
4. Touching other people's belongings.
5. Being in a crowded area.
6. Shaking someone's hand.
7. Eating food I didn't prepare myself.
8. Sharing food/drinks with someone.
9. Letting someone into my bedroom.
10.
Kagome's hand hovered over the number ten. Her hand had a slight tremble and she held her breath hoping that Dr. Iwasaki didn't notice but she did. She knew what she wanted to write down but was too embarrassed to. She wasn't comfortable fully opening up to a stranger and wondered if she ever would. After what felt like hours but was only a few minutes, Kagome set her pen down and pushed the list across the table to the doctor.
"You left the last one blank." she said after reading the list.
"It's a little...embarrassing." She felt her face flush slightly.
"That's perfectly okay. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want me to. But just know that whatever you tell me, stays between us."
"You don't report to my mother?"
"No, our conversations are completely private."
That gave Kagome a small feeling of relief. She felt her muscles relax a bit but still sat upright. They continued to talk, the doctor scribbled notes and Kagome felt her anxiety levels fall as they spoke. Dr. Iwasaki went over some coping practices that Kagome was unsure she would use but she was open to trying them out. The doctor left after an hour and promised to return in two days to begin the exposure part of their sessions. Kagome had taken the paper slippers from her and thrown them away before her cleaning ritual began.
The day of Kagome's second session with Dr. Iwasaki was an emotional one. She let the doctor in, making sure she left her shoes in the hallway and gave her paper slippers to wear. The doctor walked towards the kitchen and had Kagome follow her.
"I want to start you with the first item on your list. Eating food that has touched other food. Now when you say you don't like your food to touch, does that mean you don't eat generally mixed foods like sandwiches or ramen?"
"No, I detest them. Just basic seasoning and individual items but they can't touch."
"And why does that give you anxiety? Talk me through your feelings."
"Mainly I fear that there's something hiding in the food. If someone made me a sandwich, I'd be scared that they poisoned me or put something that I don't like in it. My mother would often hide things in food when I was little and not tell me just to get me to eat it."
"Your mother did say you were a fussy eater as a child, do you think she was just trying to get you to just eat in general?"
"Maybe."
"Let's start with something easy. What do you normally eat for a snack?"
"Fruit. I have apples and pears today."
"That's perfect, I want you to cut the apples and pears and place them on a plate together. When did you last clean the kitchen?"
"Shortly before you arrived."
"Okay so you are not allowed to clean anything in this process."
"Nothing?!"
"No. Our goal today is to get you to face your fears. You need to see that your worst fear is not the end of the world and it won't kill you."
"Easier said than done."
"I will be there for you every step of the way." Kagome nodded and opened her fridge to retrieve one apple and one pear. She grabbed a plate, a cutting board, and a knife.
"Can I wash the fruit?"
"Yes."
Kagome turned the faucet on and washed the fruit with cold water. She set down both of them on the cutting board and started cutting the apple, removing its core and putting the waste in a garbage bag. She then sliced the pieces while counting in her head. When she was finished, she was left with thirty-five slices of apple. She placed them on the plate as she normally would and stared at the cutting board.
"How are you feeling?" The doctor inquired.
"Anxious." Kagome's hand trembled as she picked up the knife. The thought of the juices from the apple contaminating the pear made her skin crawl.
"From one to ten, how bad?"
"A nine."
"And what's going through your mind as you cut the fruit?"
"That there are germs on the knife, germs on the fruit, I opened their containers and have touched everything without washing my hands. So I feel that there are a lot of germs that I will consume. And then I could die!" She took a deep breath feeling tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
"It's going to be tough but I need you to cut the pear the same way you did the apple. You can't wash anything, you just have to continue."
Kagome shook her head wanting to quit then and there but knew that she couldn't be counter productive to her progress. She sliced the pear until she was left with 20 pieces and turned to the doctor.
"You want me to put them on the plate, touching?"
"Yes."
"I-I don't think…"
"What's your anxiety level now?"
"Maybe...an eight?"
"See? You're already making progress. No turning back now." Kagome nodded and placed the fruit on the plate and sighed heavily. "Okay now I want you to take a slice of apple and a slice of pear with one hand and take a bite of both."
"This is too much!" Kagome placed the knife down and felt her lip tremble. "I can't do it!"
"You can! You've come this far."
Kagome picked up a slice of apple and placed it on top of a slice of pear. Her hand shook as she lifted it to her lips. She could see the germs as the food intertwined with each other. It felt like it was spreading to her hand and up her arm and all she wanted was to throw it in the trash and shower. The doctor looked at her patiently, she seemed to be okay with waiting for however long it would take.
Kagome took a deep, shaky breath and took one small bite of the food. She chewed slowly, letting the flavors of the fruit seep into her tongue. Tears streamed down her face as the ordeal continued until she swallowed. She felt dirty on the inside.
"What is your anxiety level now?"
"A five…" she wiped her tears away and crossed her arms tightly in front of her.
"What was the worst thing that you thought could happen?"
"That I could die."
"Do you feel better knowing that that wasn't the case."
"...a little." The doctor scribbled notes in her notebook as Kagome began to settle down in her emotions.
The doctor later left, telling Kagome that she is making significant progress already. Kagome was polite and smiled and locked the door behind her. She had to do her cleaning ritual.
Kagome didn't tell Dr. Iwasaki, but that night she forced herself to throw up the pear and apple then brushed her teeth fifty times until her gums felt raw. She felt she didn't improve at all and was disappointed in herself.
Author's Note: Hello! I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far. Don't forget to review and I'll update when I can!