T w o

- Dizzy -

"What is it, Kaoru? What is so appealing about walking home?"

I feel perversely smug at my brother's incredulous tone. He's always able to predict my future actions, but this has obviously come as a surprise to him. I like this feeling of amusement. It's a refreshing change from the combination of negative emotions that's been eating me from the inside lately.

"It's rainy today." I gaze at the sky as I say this, almost longingly. "I like the smell of the air. I don't fancy the idea of depriving myself of it by riding in the car. We're not that far from home, anyway."

He looks at the sky, also, as if the puddles on the ground and the rain drops falling in front of his face isn't accurate proof that it is, indeed, raining.

He meets my gaze and sighs, almost condescendingly.

"Fine. Do what you want. Just keep in mind that you're taking a risk of getting ill…or raped on the way home." he adds the last part in a joking tone, but I can hear the seriousness behind it. That edge to his voice is intended for my ears, I'm certain.

I force my facial muscles to form a sarcastic smile.

"Yeah, I know. I'll be fine." I tell him with confidence I don't possess.

Without warning, he lunges forward and captures me in a tight hug. The air in my lungs leaves in a rush and I feel myself beginning to get lightheaded. His chest is against mine, which is heaving rather rapidly, and his forehead is resting on my collar bone. I can feel his warm breath ghosting over my neck, which makes me shiver violently in his lanky arms.

I don't know if it's the lack of oxygen or his uncomfortably close proximity, but I feel like I could collapse at any moment.

His arms slide off of me and he steps away awkwardly. The cold air stings my skin now that his warmth is absent.

I feel guilty for being the cause of the confusion in his eyes and the embarrassment dusting his cheeks in a light pink color. I ignore the impulse to embrace him and say that I'm sorry for acting so distant lately.

I have to do this. I have to pull away. I don't even want to think about the ramifications if I don't ignore the warnings my nightmares have been providing for me.

"I'll see you at home." I mumble and look the ground shaking at my feet. No one can feel it but me. So I ignore the dizziness swimming in my head, too, because heeding to it would only make it more real.

Because I can see his lips beginning to form the words to a question I'm certain I can't answer, I swiftly walk away before he can speak.

The wind is merciless. Blinded by the rain stinging my eyes, I keep my gaze downward.

I can hear the door to the limo shut not far behind me as Hikaru gets in. I flatten myself against the rough brick of the school so that I won't get sprayed by the shower of water the vehicle picks up on its way to the Hitachiin home. Even if I could, without the rain blinding me, I wouldn't look up on the off chance that I'd catch a glimpse of Hikaru staring back at me.

I might see what I'm breaking.

The dizziness hasn't subsided at all. If anything, it's become worse. It's difficult for me to stay on the sidewalk and out of the street, but I don't pay any attention to it. My ride is gone now, anyway, and even if it weren't, I'd still choose to walk. My safety is at the bottom of my list of priorities.

It was useless, protecting myself against the water that the limo had sprayed toward me. I'm being showered from cars and buses with dirty water. I hate this, and it isn't because I'm getting wet. That doesn't concern me. What I'm irritated at is that I can't do anything to stop from being drenched. Maybe it's the feeling of powerlessness that bothers me. It's a reminder of the lack of control I have over my life.

I can't control my reactions to the feeling of his gaze on me, what I dream of, or what I think of. I can only watch the world move around me, and it's always going too quickly. The feeling of being lost and drowning in all the ugly things the world has to offer puts me in a perpetual state of discontent. It seems like I'm always trying to swim to the surface. It was fine, when Hikaru used to swim with me. But I've been slowing down lately, so rapidly that I'm actually sinking now.

Unfortunately, Hikaru's noticed. That was inevitable, but I'd still hoped he'd let me go. I don't want to pull him with me. I won't let him sink. I care far too much, and that's actually my biggest fault.

When I see the cement barricade lining the eastern side of a lake, I stumble toward it. I'm too focused on breathing normally to be concerned about the cause of my headache and dizziness.

I lean heavily on the cold structure and try to compose myself. I'm starting to feel the unwanted emotion of regret. I could be at home, in bed, under my fleece blanket, in the same house as Hikaru.

And just as suddenly as it came, my longing to be home disappears.

My eyes focus on the surface of the lake water, the smoothness of it being disrupted by the rain. It's hardly distinguishable due to my current state, but I can still see it. It has me entranced, for some reason. I focus on this simple thing instead of my splitting headache.

I know I have to get home. Hikaru's expecting me. I can't delay my progress any longer. It's not far, though. I know I can make it.

I loosen my tight, white-knuckled grip on the railing and begin my trek home, doing my best to shift my weight to each foot equally as I stumble forward.

Yes, I know I can make it.

A fresh-smelling blanket is immediately draped around my quivering shoulders as soon as I step through the walkway. I know it's Hikaru when his vanilla-scented shampoo assaults my nostrils. It's not like I expected it to be anyone else.

He's mumbling something under his breath so quietly that I can't discern what he's saying. He's biting his lip, something he does when he's excited or anxious. Only I know this. We don't share this trait. Unlike my twin, I tend to fidget when I'm nervous, particularly with my wrist.

I don't even try to tune into what he's muttering. Although my vision is beginning to get substantially sharper, my headache hasn't subsided.

I slip my shoes off, not caring that I'm probably getting the floor wet. I do the same with my socks, literally pealing them off because they're soaked. I had stepped in several puddles on my way home.

Hikaru's saying something, but I still can't hear him. I can only hear the silky, tempting voice of my bed, calling my name. I shuffle away from my brother, only vaguely aware of his presence.

The plush carpet feels delightful on my feet. I have to fight the murmurs of pleasure growing in my throat at the sensation of the silken fabric between my toes.

I'm dully aware of myself humming lowly in contentment. When I feel the warmth of his hand at mine, I begin to grow hyperaware of it. I have to make the conscious effort to take my hand away, because my instinct is telling me that this is warmth and I'm cold.

"I…can make it on my…own…" I say, referring to my ability to successfully make it to my room without his assistance. I don't need him, or his warm hand guiding me there.

The way my speech falters irritates me. It feels like my jaw is half frozen and not quite working right. My inadequacy at articulating everything correctly is mildly vexing.

The trip upstairs seems longer than it ever has. I know my feet are dragging, and Hikaru is probably very worried as well as confused, but I physically don't have the energy to feign healthiness right now.

He ascends the stairs with me, and without even looking anywhere but in front of me, I know he's following my awkward figure. I can feel the tempting heat radiating off of his body. I imagine myself falling back, into his arms, where the alluring warmth swells from every part of his body.

I'll never have to worry about being cold again.

This is what I do. I do it because as I walk, the distance between my bedroom and I seems to grow larger. I'm cold, but most of all, I'm tired.

And that's why I allow the collapse of the boundaries I'd set for myself that reinforce the existence of my morals.

That's why I let myself fall.

Soft sighs accompanied with unintelligible murmurs fill the room completely. It seems like the stifling heat absorbs everything that leaves his lips before it reaches my ears, but I don't mind it.

I let him wrap himself in me, around me, and wherever else he wants to be. It's because I want him to fulfill the lusts of the flesh, my flesh, and everything beyond that. It's because I know no one else can.

It doesn't seem like it now, but I know this can't possibly result in happiness. This gluttonous indulgence gives me an idea of what could be. I know I won't be content anywhere else after this.

In a heap of sweat and sheets, his spindly fingers threaded through sweat-dampened hair identical to his own, and lanky appendages entangled in a complicated mess…it would be impossible to escape, even if I wanted to. It's okay.

I don't.

Even through the incredible heat and haziness that always accompanies a person after sleep, I don't think I've ever felt as sharp as I do now. I'm acutely aware of where I am, what I'm doing here, the perversity of what I'm awakening from, and his presence in the room.

My eyes remain closed.

I can hear him speaking quietly in his mobile phone, his voice so hushed that I can't make out the rushed words. He's whispering sharply, sounding as if he's having an argument with the poor soul on the other line. I honestly don't care who he's speaking to or what he's speaking about.

I focus on trying to cleanse myself, metaphorically, as best I can before I make my state of consciousness known.

Though the nightmare was hazy with many gaps in the events of my psyche, I remember too much. I'm no longer dreaming, and yet I feel unwanted nimble phantom fingers tracing my ribs leisurely and delicately.

I bite down on my bottom lip to keep from screaming in protest at the imaginary touch.

"Kaoru! You're awake!"

There's relief in his voice, along with a tinge of annoyance. As soon as he speaks, the unwelcome sensations on my chest cease. I'm not sure why this is, but my perplexity doesn't reduce the gratefulness I feel.

I finally open my eyes and see that he's standing at the foot of my bed with the phone still at his ear. I discover who he's been talking to when I hear the shrill sound of my mother's voice coming through the phone, muffled by its attachment to Hikaru's ear, but still just as irritating.

I watch with mild amusement as he flinches while our mother's voice increases in volume. I expect that she heard when Hikaru stated the obvious, and now she's anxious to hear from me.

He pays no heed to her. Instead, he lowers the phone slightly, so that it isn't directly over his ear, and simply looks at me. I immediately gaze at the door, not possessing the strength to look at him in the eyes.

I suddenly remember the incident on the stairs, and shame floods through me. I'm infuriated at myself for displaying such a humiliating example of weakness, especially in front of Hikaru.

"I'm sorry." I say with genuine sincerity. My voice is hoarse and dry. It's actually quite uncomfortable to speak.

I hear him sigh, but I'm not sure if his expression is of one of irritation or anger like I expect. I'm still not looking at him, but he doesn't address that.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru."

Nothing else he could've said would have surprised me more. I'm about to ask What for?And why are you ignoring my apology?, but fortunately, he explains before I have to force my voice out of my painfully dry throat again.

"I shouldn't have let you walk home. I know that when it comes down to it, I can't control what you do. But…I don't know. I feel like I let you. And before you say it's not my job to look after you, I know. It isn't. But there's a difference between looking after someone and actually letting them do something that's stupid that they don't know is stupid, but you know it's stupid, so you have to do something about it, you know? You…you can't just not do something about it!"

He continues babbling and with each passing word, his voice is growing shriller and more panicked.

I can't help but feel guilty for making him feel guilty.

"It isn't your fault." I ignore the throbbing in both my head and throat to continue. "You told me not to walk home, that it was foolish because it was raining, but I did it anyway. I would have done it, even if you'd been more persistent with me. I just…" I clear my throat as something occurs to me. "I don't understand why I'm feeling so horrible. I couldn't have gotten sick from staying out in the cold too long. I began feeling sick as I was walking home, and…it doesn't make sense. Maybe I contracted a virus earlier and it's just hitting me now."

Hikaru raises an eyebrow at the sudden change of subject, but catches on, nonetheless.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'm sure walking home in the rain didn't help matters any, though." He adds the last part bitterly.

I hear Mom on the phone yelling something about Hikaru ignoring her and that she'll ground him when she gets home from her business trip, but I quickly tune her out.

There's a dial tone. Hikaru pulls it away from his face and looks at the device like it's a foreign, unfamiliar object. It signals the end of mine and Hikaru's conversation, also.

"I'll be okay. I just need to rest." I tell him, simply wanting to be alone. I can see that he wants to verify that, to make sure that I don't need anything, but he ends up saying nothing. I don't know if he can feel the tense atmosphere in the room, too, but I suddenly sense that he'd like to be anywhere but here.

I'd like him to be anywhere but here, too.

He walks from my room without sparing a glance. I'm glad he doesn't, because I probably would've shriveled up in fear under my blankets. He doesn't realize how intimidating he is to me. He doesn't realize that he's the cause of his deviant role in my nightmares.

It must remain that way, at all costs.

Thoughts? Feelings? Concerns? Drop a review, maybe? :D