Just a quick note – the whole Robert situation never happened

I wasn't read then, I'm ready now

I placed my bag down heavily when we returned home, I hoped heavily enough so that all my emotions would go with it. The sound it made on the side satisfied me and I let out a sigh before sitting on the stool.

"Are you okay?" Nick asked me as he watched me sit, his jacket still remained upon his body so I could only guess what he was going to say next. I nodded in response to his question and put on a smile; it was half genuine, half fake and I knew Nick could tell.

"I need to go into work, we're busy tonight and-"

"It's fine, go," I told him because I wanted him gone, I needed space, time just to think.

"You heard what he said, healthy," Nick told me before placing a kiss upon my head.

"Healthy."

I'd made an appointment out of fear I guess, the hospital agreed and told me a scan before twelve weeks was perfectly acceptable considering my circumstances. My circumstances.

Nick drove and it was silent, the radio had been turned off when the presenter had started talking about some family outing in the local area that weekend; I'd heard Nick sigh when my finger made connection with the off switch but I didn't say anything.

As my hand rested subconsciously on Nick's thigh I felt out of place on the plastic seats.

"Do you think we're the only ones here under special circumstances?" I asked Nick quietly disguising the comment as a kiss on the cheek.

"Who knows?" Nick shrugged, he seemed so relax, excited in fact, "It doesn't matter anyway – we're just making sure our baby is okay." I smiled at his comment and relaxed as I found his fingers laced with mine.

"Carla Connor," A man voice my name, his suit slightly intimidating me as he leant out his office to observe the waiting room. Nick's hand squeezed mine ever so slightly as we stood and walked to the office.

"I'm Rob and I'll be your midwife throughout you pregnancy," He introduced himself as I sat on the bed, the anxiety levels rose in me as he picked up a notes folder and walked to the bed.

"How far gone do you think you are?" He asked and I paused because it was something I should know and I wasn't sure and I was so certain that he would judge me.

"Um I'm not sure. We found out about two weeks ago but maybe six or seven," I said and I refrained from looking at him scared that his look would be one of the judgemental type. Nick remained silent through the general questions about my lifestyle and general wellbeing; he sat on the chair beside me one of his arms rested on the edge of the bed.

"Right, I can see you're in for an early scan because of a previous miscarriage," I immediately tensed at his words. Miscarriage. My baby girl who chose to opt out, chose to not live a life with me as a mother and I still don't blame her. My baby girl who would've been almost eighteen months, she would have been walking and saying my name and I would be a Mum. Carla Connor a Mum.

"Um yeah," I said nervously and I felt a weight being placed upon my hand, a gentle weight that made me smile.

"I know it's hard but I can I just ask a few questions?" Rob asked and I nodded at him, "Were you told why it happened?"

"Stress," I said and he nodded.

"Yeah, that's what I've got written here. Have you circumstances changed at all since then?" I thought about it, yeah I don't have a drunk and a cheat for a husband but I've been in a fire, accumulated a gambling habit, I still drink, found out I was related to my first husband – so when I really thought about it my stress levels were probably the same. But then there was Nick, my calming influence.

"I'd say I'm less stressed most of the time but there are still periods when things happen that I have no control over," I told him, it was the only way to tell him without giving him a life story which he probably didn't want, or have time, to hear.

"Okay," Rob said and I was struggling to tell anything from the tone of his voice, "I'm going to do the scan and then we can see where to go from here."

The gel was cold, the same as the last time I'd felt it and no words were spoken for a few moments, the longest moments of my life.

"If you look here that's your baby," Rob finally said and I turned my head towards the screen. He was right, my baby was on the screen, mine and Nick's baby – although they were tiny, barely visible on the screen, they looked nothing more than a blob, it was our healthy baby. I tried to keep my tears in but they poured out anyway, I was overcome with so many emotions I couldn't even begin to list. My fingers were laced with Nick's and I briefly drew my eyes away from the screen to see him too smiling, the light in his eyes bright.

"You're six weeks gone, actually you'll probably be seven weeks come Saturday. The baby looks really healthy and you too, Carla, seem healthy. I'd say keep as stress free as possible, eat plenty of healthy food and perhaps think about taking maternity a little earlier to avoid stress later on. I can write you a letter for your workplace."

"I own the factory so I can do less and less as I get bigger," I told Rob as I sat up in the bed.

"I'll print you off some scans, two?"

"Uh, three would be great," Nick said, the first time he'd spoken since we'd entered the room.

My bag had spilt out slightly from when I'd flung it down; Nick had left and gone to work and my mind was racing. Healthy. That was the word running through my head the most – our baby was healthy.

I picked up the white envelope that we'd been given, only one picture remained inside now: one for me, one for Nick and one for Nick's Mum (when we decided to tell her). Nick had evidently taken the other ones when we got into the car and I was left with mine. The first picture of my baby.

I was unaware at first but my body was moving towards the box, the box with my most sacred things and inside was another picture. A picture with a bigger baby, my baby girl. The photo was special, special because it was the only physical memory I had of her but special because I was lucky to have it. My office draw at been its home for so long and if it was here, in the box when the fire happened I would've lost it. Lost a part of her and a part of me.

The photos went side by side in my hand, my past and my future next to each other and all of a sudden the fear returned, the fear I'd managed to shift once the word healthy had been voiced. A fear that history could repeat itself and there's no reason why it wouldn't. There's no reason why this baby wouldn't opt out just like their sister had. Sister.

"Hey baby," I said softly as, for the first time, I let my hand connect with my stomach – I let the edge of my nails trace little patterns around and around.

"I just put your picture next you your sister's and you're so tiny, so tiny but you're healthy and you have to stay healthy. Can you do that for Mummy? I'm ready to be a good Mummy this time because your Daddy he's amazing and he'll look after both of us, I promise. He won't let any harm come to you and neither will I – you're going to be so loved, you are already so loved. Your big sister, she'll be watching you from the sky, looking down and protecting you. I'm her Mummy too but I didn't get to meet her, Mummy wasn't ready she was too stressed and your sister couldn't cope. I don't blame her though, she probably made the right choice because now I've got better and I've learnt and now she can watch you and me and make sure we're okay. We're going to be okay."

I sighed and placed the scans side by side in the box then closed the lid slowly with a small smile on my face. My babies together, side by side.

"I wasn't ready then, as much as I tell myself I was, I really wasn't. But, I promise you I'm ready now and I'm going to try my hardest to be the Mummy you need and the Mummy you deserve."

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