Here's chapter 2!!
p.s.- I'll put some spoilers I've learned about this season in the bottom author's note. Don't read unless you want to know! :)
He wasn't really sure what to do, exactly, but he knew that both avoiding her and talking to her were not perfect options. If he avoided her, she'd be hurt. He hadn't exactly forgotten the expression on her face when he'd taken off with the plastic disc, turning her down on the breakfast offer. He was always the one that dragged her to get food... and now she was asking him to go eat with her, and he'd been the one to take off almost too quickly. She must have been so confused... probably thought, in that rational mind of hers, that he didn't want to be with her at all, and that was why he'd been so quick to maneuver out of spending time with her.
She probably assumed that he'd interpreted her writing that had led to his dream in some way that made him want to stay away from her. Had she figured out, yet, the conclusion that Sweets had come to? Or at least... a section of it, the one where he was in love with her after waking up?
That was why he was being careful, after all... that was why he had to watch what he said, how he acted, and at the same time struggle to keep himself remembering small details. He'd cursed himself repeatedly for the mistake with the socks. If he'd thought about it, when he'd been getting dressed, he was pretty sure he'd have remembered that he disliked normal socks and ties. And the clown? He'd seen the hurt and the fear in her eyes, very clearly, when he'd failed to remember about that one.
He took another drink from the beer bottle. At least the case was over... that was the only positive he could seem to find, though. Everything Sweets and Cam had told him... it was worrying him. To not remember details like his likes and dislikes, how he dressed... well that was one thing. To not even be able to remember emotions and attachments to people... well, what if Sweets was right about all of that, what if he didn't love her, not really?
He knew he did, right at that moment. She was beautiful, and wonderful, and every little detail drew his attention. How her eyebrows came together as she stared intently at evidence, how she smiled just slightly, barely discernibly, when something made sense, when another piece of the puzzle fell into place for her before it did for anyone else. The sound of her voice. The way her hair fell down over her shoulder, and she brushed it from her eyes and slid it with a single smooth movement behind her ear, bending closer to whatever she was looking at as she did so. The light in her eyes, and how it made the cerulean depths sparkle with so much that if he looked deep enough it felt like he could almost grasp her thoughts and pull them straight to the surface, listen to them, understand every detail of her. Not that he didn't already know a great deal of it already.
But what if this all went away? The terror clenched tightly at his heart at the very thought. The way he felt right now... his heart skipping a beat when she spoke, when she made a small movement that was just adorable... how he didn't need anything at all but to be with her in order to be happy... he didn't want that to go away. If only he could remember, he thought irritably, what he'd felt like before the coma.
Sure, he knew all about her, all about every case they'd worked together, all the details of her life story and the things that she liked, that she hated, that upset her or made her laugh... and yet he didn't know how he felt about any of that because the emotion from simply loving everything about her was overpowering all else. He felt like he'd never seen anything different about her, like he'd always loved all those details about who she was and how she looked and acted... just everything... and now, to have that in question, to be told it might just.. go away... well that was unthinkable. It was like being told he had a time frame left to live, like he might just lose it all when the timer went off. Would he really just... lose this?
Could it even be possible to notice all these details about someone, and feel your heart swell with pride and fill with joy as you spent time with them... and then the next day just not feel any of it anymore? What if it did happen? If he went to the lab tomorrow, the day after, next week... whenever it was, and he looked at her... and just didn't feel it anymore. Just saw a beautiful woman with blue eyes, diligently and passionately doing her job? What if he saw someone that he was close to, that he cared about, but that was it? How would he even be able to cope? Surely he would feel empty, lost, separated from a part of himself that he now needed, that was now essential to aid in the simple functions of walking, of breathing, of speaking, of everything he did every single day? He could not be without her, he was sure of that.
But the nagging thought that maybe he was wrong would not go away.
And if he told her that he loved her, and she didn't feel the same way? He wasn't sure he could bear that. Equally as terrifying... what if he told her, and she agreed... and then Sweets' prediction came true, and it all faded to nothingness, until he could no longer grasp at this soaring of his heart, and he was left trying to explain it to her, trying to tell her how he felt and how he didn't feel... trying not to lose her in that way either...
One thing he was absolutely certain of was that if Sweets was right, then Cam would be as well. Because she would lock herself in limbo, hide herself from the rest of the world, from the team, from him, if she let herself believe she was loved and then he told her she was wrong, that he didn't feel that way about her. It would destroy her, even more so maybe than losing her would destroy him.
She would never forgive him and the rest of the world... and she would never show herself again for who she really was.
He could not let that happen anymore than he could let anything else hurt her. If he was the threat, then he'd just have to keep his distance. To protect her. Until he understood better, until he... figured out who he was, and exactly what she was to him. Bones. Not Bren.
Another sip from the bottle.
Sweets' opinion was devastating, Cam's was a warning and one he should heed... but yet neither of them were truly experts on Bones, even if they thought themselves to be.
He pulled out his cell and flipped it open, debating. By dialing that number, he'd be opening himself up to a lot of talking and a lot of discussion of his emotions. He might end up spending hours... but maybe that was what he needed. And he knew that there was no one else who'd better understand Bones' heart than she would. Sweets and Cam... they understood him, and the understood parts of Bones. He needed more advice, from a more direct location.
He hit the call button.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Ange, it's Booth... can you meet me somewhere?"
"This had better be good," Ange said sternly as she slid into the opposite side of the booth. "I was having a rather nice time out at a club, and there was this really nice young guy..."
"It's about Brennan."
She was instantly all ears, leaning towards him with raised eyebrows and a gleam in her eyes that was saying, 'Tell me everything, right now, and don't spare the details.'
"Well... you know all about the dream..." she nodded quickly, and he went on, "I... well I just feel... since I've woken up..."
"You wish it was real," Ange finished for him. He was immediately reminded of the way Cam had so quickly picked up on what he was trying to say. Did everyone always have these things figured out before him? It was starting to get a little unnerving. But he supposed it was a good thing, since them knowing him so well meant that they'd be able to explain to him about how it was before all this had happened to him.
He nodded in response to her question.
"Why wouldn't you?" she said, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest. "Seriously, Booth, if you hadn't enjoyed a world where you were married to her, having great sex, and expecting a baby while at the same time working with her everyday in a totally safe and enjoyable atmosphere... there would be something wrong with you. That's like paradise."
He breathed out a sigh and then pulled out the file that Sweets had given him. He opened it up and pulled out the three scans, setting them out side-by-side.
"What's this?" she asked, leaning forward once again and staring at them with her brows knitted together.
"These are from Sweets," he began dejectedly. "This," he pointed to the lit up section of the middle one, "Indicates love, apparently. Attraction, happiness... all of that."
"So... this one is from the coma?" she caught on quickly, apparently seeing the connection in the order he'd arranged them on the table.
"Yeah. The... first one, it's from before. And the last one there is from a couple days ago."
She scowled. "You don't believe this scientific explanation, do you, Booth? Since when do you think that love is measured in chemicals in the brain. I thought you were a heart guy?"
He winced, "I am... or I thought I was... but this, these scans... they show that my brain wasn't producing the chemicals or whatever before the coma... and that... worries me."
"Why? Booth, you were seriously head over heels for her for years. You might not have said anything, or done anything about it, but everyone knows it."
Cam's quick grasp of the situation... the way she'd just so quickly assumed he was in love with Bones... it gave a form of backing to the statement Ange had just made. If everyone else had observed it, though, how come their psychologist was so adamantly trying to tell him that he hadn't been in love beforehand?
"How come Sweets didn't pick up on that, then? He's always so quick to grab hold of just about anything he can find, I think he would have gotten that from observation." He searched through memories, and was even able to remember times when Sweets had tried to hint that they felt something more for each other. Did that mean that he'd changed his mind, or that he was intentionally doing this?
"Well then I'll go have a little talk with him, won't I?"
He almost laughed at that, but he found that he wasn't really capable of an amused reaction right then. He just wasn't in the mood, not when everything was still not making sense to him.
"Booth," she said seriously, leaning even closer. "You love her. And both of you have been pretending, for a very, very long time that that connection doesn't exist. Listen to me, okay? She loves you. She might deny it and stand by that denial, but she does love you. And she hasn't ever felt about someone else the way she feels about you, which is why it's probably a heck of a lot easier for her to pretend it isn't what it is."
He hesitated before speaking again, but finally opened his mouth and said softly, "I talked to Cam about this... and she told me, warned me, really, that I should be careful about telling her. Ange, what if Sweets is right? What if I wasn't in love with her before, and it's a side-affect of the coma? What if I... lose this? Do you have any idea what that would do to her, if I said I loved her, convinced her of it, and then took it back? Heck, I already told her once, and I took it back quick, but I could see she was confused. She's worried about me, for god's sake, when all I can do is be worried about her!"
"You told her?" Ange asked tersely. "Exactly what did you tell her?"
He sighed, "I said I loved her." Ange's expression was telling him that he better keep explaining, and it had better be a good explanation, so he rushed to continue, "And then... she just sorta looked at me... and I... okay I backed out. I was afraid of what would happen. So I told her I loved her in a... professional way. You know, like... friends."
Ange groaned. "Booth!" He grimaced and looked away. Silence for a moment, a deep breath from Ange. "Tell me, now... how did she react afterwards?"
He winced again. "Pretended it was all good and she total got what I was saying. You know how she is..."
"Yeah. I know." Ange said, her voice snapping slightly. Then she sighed, and continued in a more gentle tone. "Okay, Booth, I know you're confused. So it's not entirely your fault... but for goodness sake consult me first next time. I wouldn't have told you to do that before... but now, with all that's happened, we can't risk hurting her permanently. She'll break, totally fall to pieces, if you tell her that you don't love her. And I will not be happy with you if that happens. I've already had to watch her go through it once, and I'm sure as hell not gunna see it again."
He knew, immediately, that she was referring to the time that he'd been shot and everyone had thought he was dead, including Bones.
"I know, Ange. I won't do that to her; I can't."
"Good. I'm sure you'll do what's right. And, for goodness sake, stop doubting yourself. What I said before, I know it won't happen, because you've always loved her... but if you doubt yourself enough, convince yourself that it was all created by the coma and there wasn't anything before that... well then you could do some serious damage. Stay true to your heart, and you'll do fine."
"Thanks," he said, nodding with sincerity. "Really, Ange. I don't know how I'd be able to do this without you."
"Hey, as long as you make her happy you have no reason to owe me one or anything like that. One thing, though... I'd suggest not bringing this up again with her until you're absolutely certain. Take some time to remember things, think about not only what happened, but how you felt. I'm sure it will all come to you soon enough. And then you and her... well, you'll finally get to where I've been trying to get you to for all these years."
He chuckled softly, surprising himself. It was just so... Ange, saying things like that. Then he got up from the table, and she followed. They split up outside, heading to their separate vehicles. Once inside the SUV, though, he wasn't really sure what to do. Where to go.
He wanted, very strongly, to go to her apartment. It was something familiar, going to her at ungodly hours of night with food, just to be with her.
...Wasn't that something? Wasn't that a sign, something that he hadn't done ever, for anyone but her unless he was dating that person? That said something, didn't it, that even when they weren't working he was thinking of her, wanting to be with her?
He stored that thought away, but did not go to her apartment. It would be too tempting to tell her, to spill it all out. And that would probably ruin everything. He would take Ange's advice, and give himself some more time to figure things out before he dove in. Serious thinking and planning would be required, and that would take a while. He drove home, and prepared himself for a long sleepless night of digging through memories.
"Do we have a case?" she asked, looking up from her computer.
He leaned in the doorway, thinking, and missed the words. He could remember coming here and standing just like this, remember watching her work before she noticed it was him. Smiling softly as he watched her scowl at her computer screen and promptly attack the keys, erasing patches and furiously retyping them. It was the indication that she was working on a book, and he was immediately reminded of the last time she'd written. Was this a book she'd started long before his brain tumor, of was it a new one that she'd begun while in Guatemala?
"Booth?" her voice pulled his attention back to the present.
"What?"
"I said do we have a case?" she repeated, frowning at him and tilting her head as thought concerned for his mental health. Which she might very well actually be.
"Oh, sorry, no. I was just..." he gestured towards the lab behind him. "Here."
"Oh." She was still frowning at him, and her hands were frozen on the keys.
"So... um... new book?" he asked, attempting to start a normal conversation between them. She stiffened slightly in response... not the reaction he'd been aiming for at all.
She nodded jerkily, and as he separated himself from the doorframe and walked towards her desk, he saw her hand fly to the mouse. As he got close enough to see the screen he saw a writing document vanish, leaving the screen to her default background, which he saw was actually a picture of the two of them. She immediately hit the screen power switch and it turned black. Then she turned eyes accusingly on him, as if daring him to comment. He wisely chose not to.
"Right. Uh... I guess I'll just... I have paperwork to do."
"Oh. Okay." He watched her, seeing disappointment color her expression. Her eyes flicked to the clock, and he realized quite suddenly that this was when he'd usually come and drag her off to get lunch. He hesitated, one foot already stepping towards the door... and then he hurried from her office. Going to get food with her would not end well, he was certain. It was... unsafe. Spending time with her right after her return had been dangerous too, and by not being cautious enough... well, look what had happened. He'd managed to confuse her further, say he loved her and take it back, not be there with her to protect her from psychotic doctors that wanted to stab her before they could succeed... Keeping her away from cases seemed like his best bet at this point. And that included keeping himself away from her.
He left the lab entirely, going to sit in his SUV but not starting it. Instead he leaned back against the headrest, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh. The night before... well he'd gone through everything from start to finish, recalling every detail of every case and what had happened during that time period not related directly to evidence and interrogation.
Now he was starting to doubt Sweets' opinions entirely. All the things he could recall about what he'd said, how he'd spoken to her, how she'd reacted around him... it all spelled out that he cared very deeply. Especially how he remembered feeling whenever she was in danger... not just the guilt of being unable to protect her and the natural urge to be the savior and the shield to protect someone he cared about from the dangers of the world... but the fear that he'd lose her and never get the chance to say so many things to her, never get to actually hold her, kiss her, be with her and just... well, just be like they had been in the dream.
Why was it, though, that now he felt so differently? That now he knew exactly what he was feeling and he understood what if meant and what he wanted? Why was it that that aspect was missing from his memories of before? Didn't it make sense that he should have known that he loved her, and was just denying it to the rest of the world and especially to her, out of fear of losing her? That wouldn't change how it would show up on the brain scans, though, he was fairly certain. If he'd felt this way about her, but hid it, the scan would have still picked it up. And it hadn't.
He really hated those damn brain scans.
It wasn't long before he found himself right back at the lab again. A good long drive had cleared his head for the most part, even though he still hadn't found the answers that he really wanted. That he really needed.
The lab was just an unavoidable part of who he was and what he wanted, he supposed, as he parked directly next to her car. So she was still here, despite the fact that it was now dark out. He'd been gone for longer than he'd thought, he realized as he glanced at the LED display before he shut off the engine. It was already past eight. He might be trying to avoid confronting his feelings, but he still couldn't keep himself from coming here, from dragging her out of the lab and bringing her home. Because she needed to go home and sleep... working all day might be her best way of resolving her inner-issues, but it wasn't healthy.
He found her on the lab platform when he came in, completely alone. The others had all gone for the night, although he doubted that any of them had left without attempting to convince her of the need for her to go home. They'd been unsuccessful, clearly.
"Hey, Bones," he called softly, stopping to lean against the railing at the base of the steps.
Her head snapped up in surprise, and her eyes locked on his for a second before immediately looking away, a flash of sadness lighting up her features before it disappeared and was quickly replaced by an expression of indifference.
"Time to leave," he said, trying to keep his tone light. "I'll give you a ride home." He knew he was taking a risk, but he was willing to do so for her. He couldn't avoid her entirely, or that sad look in her eyes was going to become a permanent feature. Maybe Ange was right, and she did love him... it would explain why she was so hurt by him not taking her to breakfast a few days ago, and lunch earlier today. Or perhaps that was just wishful thinking on his part. Then again, she had been the one that had written his dream... that had to say something about her opinion of him, now didn't it?
"I'm fine," she answered him, her back now facing his direction as she went back to some limbo skeleton that was laid out on the evidence table.
"Come on, Bones, just... go and get some sleep, okay? What if we have a case tomorrow?"
He knew it was wrong to suggest they might, especially when he knew they wouldn't after he'd requested specifically against being assigned any for a few days, but he had to use some excuse.
With a sudden swift movement she removed the lab coat, snatched her things from a nearby desk chair, and stalked down the steps, passing him. Startled, he hurried after her.
"Whoa, Bones, wait up!"
"What do you want?" she snarled, spinning around so that he skidded to a stop just barely in time to avoid colliding with her. "I can't deal with this, Booth. Not with you wanting to drive me home one second and completely keeping away from me the next. What do you want from me?"
His mouth opened slightly, but he couldn't come up with a response. To his alarm, he saw that she had tears sparkling in her eyes. Oh, god, he'd already hurt her...
And now he had really no idea what he could do about it.
Then, as if she could see that he was lost within himself, unable to say a single word, she turned away once more. He watched her get into her car. Watched her drive away. And he couldn't find a way to even attempt to stop her. What could he say? How could he explain, without risk of hurting her even more?
Without a word, he got into the SUV and sat there for a while... staring blankly at the opposite wall of the parking garage. Just thinking... just trying to figure everything out.
SPOILER ALERT!!
okay... so here's some things that I've heard that might interest all of you :)
First, there is going to be a Christmas episode this season. They are attempting to get Zooey Deschanel to guest star as Brennan's cousin, who was apparently very briefly mentioned at some point in season 2... (anyone know what episode? Is it Killer in the Concrete? Hmm... I may have to go rewatch that one...)
Second, as you probably have all figured out by now, episode 100 is going to be in this season. One of the possibilities among many at this point: A flashback episode to the first case they ever worked together. I don't know about everyone else, but my vote is for that idea, and I haven't even heard any other options x)
Third, the next episode Bond in the Boot, will involve the introduction of Brennan's latest book, which will apparently lead to tension between the two of them. I'm betting it's going to be something about a romantic relationship between Kathy and Andy. Or maybe she killed Andy off.(Although I doubt she'd do that) Guess we'll have to wait and see!
Anyways, these things make me super happy, and I hope they have the same effect on all of you :)
I'll have another chapter up soon enough!! Thanks for reading!!