"No fucking way," Kenny whispered, barely able to suppress a laugh.
"Shut up, you poor piece of crap," Eric retorted, wiping down his clothes from the bus ride. He'd never gotten used to riding buses. Just because it was the easiest getaway, that didn't mean he liked it. He hated sitting next to the greasy poor people or the dirty Mexicans. (A/N: I feel so bad writing his thoughts out OTL!) In fact, if they could all just drop dead, he'd be pretty pleased.
Kenny slapped Eric's toned arms in a joking manner. "Dude, are you for real? He hates you more than you hate Kyle!"
"Would you stop saying that?" Eric hissed. The two conmen were only seconds away from the entrance to South Park, cautiously hiding behind a line of pine trees when he had told Kenny of his plan. He felt for the cell phone in his pocket and whipped it out, scrolling down his list of contacts. It was quite the impressive list; people he'd met over the years that had owed him favours, people he'd conned so he'd remember not to answer and people he'd known for the better part of his life. Most of those people were from South Park.
"Well, you gonna do it?" Kenny questioned. "Don't just stand there like a chicken shit. What's the worst that can happen, after all? He'll say "Fuck you, you stupid bastard," and then hang up."
"God damn it, Kenny, shut the hell up! I'm thinking!" he spun around, facing away from his comrade and stared down at the phone again. After only a few seconds, he pressed the call button and held the phone at his ear.
"What?" was the irritated answer that greeted him. Eric couldn't help but let out a little chuckle. Over the years he'd known him, Craig's nasally voice had never changed. In fact, the only thing that had changed about him were his teeth. Three years of braces later and his they were almost perfect. Of course, when they were younger, his braces were an irresistible temptation for Eric. He couldn't resist teasing him about those ugly pieces of metal. That was high school, though, and they had all moved past braces and bad teeth.
"Craig, I need your help," Eric replied, unsure if that was a good way to start the conversation. He recalled the time he'd run away from home the day his mother hired the dog whisperer to take care of him. After everyone refused to help him, he'd gone to Craig, spouting some nonsense about how he was Eric's first choice and how he knew Craig wouldn't let him down. "What an asshole," Eric said aloud when he'd remembered that Craig in fact didn't help him at all.
"What the fuck, Cartman?" Craig practically yelled into the phone. "What the hell do you want? I told you, I'm not playing your fucking games anymore."
"I'm not playing games anymore either," Eric retorted. For once, he was telling the truth. He genuinely thought Craig would be a good choice for this mission. "Kenny and I are going on another heist."
"Wow, amazing, and what makes you think I won't just go tell Kyle?" Craig said. Eric had already thought about that, though and he knew Craig would never do such a thing. He wasn't a dick. Well, he was a dick, but a different kind. Not the kind that would play tattle-tale like the dumb kindergarteners.
"I know you," Eric said, "and I know you won't tell. You're as much a criminal as I am and you haven't spoken to that rotten Jew since high school."
"I may not, but I know people that have stayed in touch with him," Craig said, "and I could care less about your stupid heist. You can go rot in hell for all I care. I hope Wendy catches you. I fucking hate you."
Eric rolled his eyes. "Look, dick, I'm being seriously." He paused a moment, coughing when he'd noticed his old habit pop up. "I'm being serious," he corrected himself. "Not that I wouldn't be fine with just Kenny and I, but you know Kenny. He's too scared and—ouch!" he hissed when Kenny punched him in the ribs, mumbling, 'asshole,' under his breath.
"He's a little pussy!" Eric yelled into the phone, exacting his revenge.
Craig was silent for a moment, "…What the hell are you even going on a heist for? Aren't you trying to stay on the lowdown? Wendy is still after you and she comes back to South Park practically every day."
"I don't give a rat's ass about her," Eric said. "I'm going on a heist to get my ten million. I'm making this happen and I don't care of the consequences."
Craig seemed to be pondering this because he said, "And you'll pay me if I help?" Craig wasn't poor. Hell, he owned South Park's auto shop and made a pretty good living for himself, but everyone knows that when ten million dollars is thrown into the mix, people get greedy.
Eric rolled his eyes again, "Yes, if you require such commodities, I will indeed pay you. But don't expect much, get it?"
Craig scoffed, "This is you we're talking about, dumbass. I'll help you on one condition."
"What is it now?" Eric clenched his teeth. He really wanted to move on already.
"No one I care about gets hurt this time, you fucking douchebag," Craig snapped into the phone. "When you hurt the people I care about, I'm out and I'll report you to Wendy so Kyle can take good care of you."
Eric knew exactly what he was talking about. They used to go on the occasional heist every now and then when Craig needed money to pay for college. It was fine as it was until Eric made one fatal mistake: he'd thrown someone innocent into the mix. Normally he wouldn't really care about that, but this was Tweek and that mix alone was bad. Never mind the fact that Eric had gotten the boy shot.
"Well maybe if you hadn't called him in the first place..." Eric trailed off, not wanting to bug the man anymore than was necessary. "Okay, fine, whatever. No one will get hurt." He'd said this, but nobody believed him. Not Craig, not Kenny, not even Craig himself, but he kept speaking despite that.
"You better keep your promise," Craig's voice was steady and low. It almost gave Kenny, who was trying to listen by pressing his ear toward the phone, goosebumps. "Now, when is this going down, fatass?"
"I'm not fat, God damn it!" he yelled. Kenny smacked a hand over his mouth, motioning for him to shut up in case Wendy was lurking around. "I'm not fat," he repeated, whacking Kenny's hand away. "We're going to recruit more people for now, mostly as distractions, but we'll be in contact."
"That's not like you," Craig said, stating the obvious. "Why are you recruiting more people? You hate people. What's the deal?"
"There is no deal," Eric narrowed his eyes. "This is the way it will be because it's the way it has to be. No questions asked. That's my only rule."
"Whatever," was Craig's last reply before he hung up.
"God damn it, Craig's such a douchebag," Eric ended the call and shoved his phone back in his pocket. "But we've got him. He's on our side."
"You may not be telling him for a reason, but I'm your partner, so you have to tell me. Why are you recruiting people?" Kenny was giving him a strange stare and it made Eric somewhat uncomfortable. "Craig was right; that's not like you."
He sighed, running a hand through his light brown hair. He'd only had a shower the night before, but he still felt like he needed one. Probably because of all the poor people he had been surrounded by lately. "Kenny, why can't you just go with the flow like you usually do? Why do you choose now of all times to ask questions?" he'd never told the man this, but part of the reason Eric let Kenny come along with him was because he didn't ask a lot of questions. That and he was a good friend.
"Normally I don't ask questions because everything explains itself. When we're out conning people or stealing something, I know what to do and there are no secrets. It's when you start acting different that I start asking questions."
He had a good point there. Eric wasn't one for teammates, so why now? He stroked his chin, wondering that same thing. He wanted a team, but why? Was he lonely with just the two of them? No, that couldn't be it. Eric Cartman did not get lonely.
That was when he thought of it. "If we get more people, that's more people that Kahl has to worry about. If I can put him in a panic, then I will. If we recruit more and more people, then our dear little detective will have no clue what's going on. We can give him mixed messages by deploying people all around. Now, of course I don't like people. You know this for a fact, but I don't think you realize what joy I get from seeing that panicked, upset expression on that Jew rat's face."
Kenny raised an eyebrow, "You are one sick son of a bitch; do you know that?"
Eric smirked. Of course he knew that. That was the reason he was recruiting all these people, after all, right? "Yeah and you're a poor son of a bitch; what's new?"
Kenny furrowed his brows and, shaking his head, he said, "What's next?"
"Now that we have the mechanic, we need to set our eyes elsewhere. Although Craig's gonna be pissed to hell at us, we need Tweek."
"Why do we need Tweek; didn't you say you weren't going to get anyone he cared about hurt?" If Kenny was confused before, then he was even more confused now. "What the hell does he have to offer? Not trying to be rude or anything, but seriously."
"Tweek is easily manipulated, making him a prime persona for any plan I have. We have to use him. Who cared what Craig says?" Eric answered.
"But he sucks under stress. He's anxious, forgetful and not to mention he has an extreme lack of focus. What could you need with a person like that?"
"Au contraire, my little blonde subordinate," Eric said. "Those reasons are exactly why we need someone like him. He is, to put it lightly, the perfect distraction." Now, if getting Craig was a tough deal, then getting Tweek would prove to be only a more annoying mission. Not to mention that Craig would probably nearly beat the living shit from Eric when he found out.
Kenny slapped his forehead and let out an irritated sigh. "I have no clue what's going on anymore. Just, do whatever the hell you want. I don't give a flying fuck anymore. As long as we get the money in the end, that's all that matters. You play your psycho games all you want."
"I'm not playing games, I already said that," Eric crossed his arms. He really wasn't, but if you weren't Eric Cartman, you would have no idea what was swimming in that mind of his and you would never hope to, so Kenny just sucked in his confusion and went on with it.