Quick note: Unbeta'd. And considering it's after 2am that may be a mistake. Also, the italic section may slightly venture into M category. Nothing too fancy, don't get too excited. :P
Five hours of fitful sleep in a shared bed with Rachel looks rough on Donna. She tries to summon the well-practiced habit of being pissed at Harvey to give herself an emotional boost. The act is one she's well developed over the years, but after kissing her long-time boss, the emotion feels flat. Her hair looks as limp as her heart heals. Her skin is almost transparent like the emotions she's lingering under the surface.
Rachel joins her in the bathroom, staring in the reflection. Her attention quickly shifts to Donna with a frown.
Confirmation plunged in Donna's chest. She might as well have her emotions written in permanent marker on her face from her friend's expression.
Rachel pulls back Donna's hair, meeting her eyes in the mirror, her lips pulling up in sympathy. "Donna you're going to make me cry. It's going to be okay. Maybe you should take the day?"
"No Rach. I have to do this. I don't want Harvey to know that.."
"Donna," Rachel sympathizes.
"I just wish it all wouldn't show. Why did my body have to choose today to hide my fabulousness?"
Rachel lips pull up in the smallest smile. "Well, it's a good thing there's two of us here. Harvey is going to regret ever letting you walk away." Rachel hugs an arm around Donna's shoulders, giving her a squeeze. "We're going to make you feel your best."
Donna leans her head to rest against Rachel's. More thankful than ever to have her kind unicorn of a friend to hold her by the hand for the rare event she felt herself slipping. She didn't feel like she had it in her to fight emotional fatigue alone today. But with a friend, it became an act of empowering self-care, instead of the whispers of self-pity tickling against her ear.
Thirty minutes later, Rachel had tamed her hair into a central side-do, dressed her in her sleeveless Ibiza teal dress that made her cleavage and dipped down the back. She paired it with nude Louboutin's, the ones that put her just shy of Harvey's height. Rachel did her makeup with a slight more flair than usual, hiding less of her fuck-you-Harvey that she might have otherwise dared. She finished the look off with lipstick closest to red without venturing fully out of the pink category.
This is what best friends were for. Because dammit, this wasn't for Harvey, this was for her to look like the five million dollars she was. Five million because, hello inflation. And she works for a top tier law firm.
They pair Rachel in her Lanvin Halter dress, something making Rachel equally sexy, showing off her fabulous tits, touching it off with a pair of Manolo's. They plan to walk into PSL as fancy wrapped goddesses that rule for the day. And if Rachel happens to knock Mike to his knees? That's the fortunate side benefit Donna will happily gift to her friend. One of them should be happy with a spectacular sex life.
She feels colossally better as they step into a cab together, except for the lingering uncertainty from the night before. She knows where she stands, even though the admittance to herself leaves her more open than she's comfortable with. But Harvey kissing back, and close to thoroughly so is still in her thoughts, along with his 'maybe' she made a mistake. Couldn't he ever just give her final clarity?
What she wanted from him. Needed.
And finally, the uncertain questions she wants to smack her own face for: What about her made him run? When he could obviously make a move with others?
The fact she's questioning herself is reason enough to walk away emotionally. He should value for enough to put her first.
Harvey's dreams are filled with fiery red and blond that night. Except, instead of the woman he should be feeling guilt for, he sees another.
"Donna," he says softly as he finds her on the roof. He makes purposeful steps forward and pulls her to his lips. She angles her head, her nails scraping the back of his neck, sending goosebumps all the way to his toes. Her breasts press a weight against his chest that leaves him ache to feel them bare. Her lips are so soft, her mouth hot and wet. His tongue sweeps inside, brushing against hers with a groan. She tastes of wine, fitting because of the heady feeling she's giving him.
He angles her head with the brush of his thumb to her chin to get them closer. He's grown hard, jerking at her waist to feel her against him. She's pulling his shirt out and he's searching desperately for a way to get her out of her dress. They're soon nude, and he's on top of her, pressing her bare body into the concrete, her crying out his name. Her voice grows deeper, something familiar but quickly turning to a bucket of ice. His mother calls his name, her eyes slanted in derision as she steps closer.
Donna's in a bed of red satin sheets, his need pressing between her legs. They're burning up, sweaty and slick with her desire as he's working, taking them to unexplored heights. They're a tangle of moans and gasps, open mouths and aching need. Her legs are hooked over the bend in his arms to give him the deepest access. She's calling to him again, approaching her peak. His name on her lips carry him to the edge, but he panics as the tone turns into his worst nightmare. The voice he avoided his entire adult life. His mother's returned. She's berating him for his hipocracy. He then profusely apologizes, desperate to make her understand as Donna slips away.
Again and again he's in some form of compromising but ecstatic situation with Donna, before it ends with his mother interrupting with accusation.
He fades into the dream all night, nothing about the night restful.
Everything about him shows this as he walks out of his apartment. His eyes are without light, his hair far from behaving, his tie not laying flat despite six tries. Even his walk feels labored, like his gait is refusing to fall in line. He can't hide the fallout of what's happened.
It's rare he's at a loss of how to shut off the parts of himself most deeply hidden. He's perfected cold and composed. Except it seems, when it comes to Donna.
He's not sure where to place that realization, especially since the act of it even feels like another betrayal.
Paula Agard.
Her name, his, and that word- betrayal -were never supposed to connect. Of all the times Donna could have acted, she picked the least logical. He couldn't be knocked over by her spell, even if he'd wanted to be. She'd chosen the moment with the highest probability to turn his lifelong identity into shambles.
He's been contemplating the best action, his final move undecided. He can't believe he's standing here.
Is telling Paula the right decision? He has to...right?
Then her history tumbles down his gut. Maybe telling her is more cruel, especially if it wouldn't happen again. Would she ever be able to accept Donna working by his side? And if history is an indicator, letting Donna go is never an option for him.
Was there a chance Donna would ever kiss him again?
He hates himself. A no answer makes his gut clench tightly, like it's trying to grip a severe and fleeting loss he can't sacrifice. The strong reaction towards never being with Donna when he's with someone else disgusts him.
He briefly lets the strain of that reality take hold. Telling Paula it's over, he has feelings for someone else. He'd run to Donna, jerking her body to his with a jolt, his lips crashing into hers. Yielding. Opening Pandora's box he's been denying the search to for far longer than is sane.
His mind wants to explore his daydream into x-rated, with a cool burn that starts from his gut down into his thighs. A warning perhaps. A mixture of elicit want and a sick feeling develop at the betrayal. The start of them would become that now. Dancing in the darkest of reds when he never wanted to meddle in those painful waters.
He hates her for a moment, not sure whether that path will make him further hate himself.
He arrives at work, and walks out of the elevators. He's stalled outside the doors. She's in front of him. Teal fabric pours over every curve in a way that makes his mouth go dry.
Her face is even, with her lips maybe even turned up in the corners. He knows better when he sees her eyes, wide and deer like. Fragility wrapped up in exquisite confidence and grace. Every barrier in him begins to crumble, wanting nothing more than to fix, to protect, to harbor her from the murkiness they stood in the middle of.
"Louis is waiting in your office."
It's all she says before she's walking away from him, all hips and legs as she's moving towards the location of the moment from the night before.
His new secretary, Irma, hands him a stack of files. Once in his office, he's surrounded by everyone he doesn't want to face first order. Donna, Louis, and Mike. Rachel could complete the set, but she's thankfully absent from the party.
"Hi Harvey, I know you spoke to Jessica. I figured we'd need a meeting first thing," Louis rambles.
He sighs as he moves behind his desk, unable to hide the irritation of the invasion. He curses himself as well for letting the Jessica news out of his mind all morning, when it needs to be on the forefront. He settles in his chair, taking a note Donna and Mike are still silent.
"The two of you heard the news?" He directs at them, avoiding a linger into Donna's eyes as if they'd burn him to a crisp.
"I feel like we're partially responsible. We should find a way to reverse this," Mike says, guilt painting his face.
"No, it's not what she wants," Harvey answers quietly, not without regret.
Louis takes a step closer. "I know that's what she said she wanted. But she's been there for each of us. I don't think we should abandon her." Louis's mouth hangs open, his shoulders slumped at the weight of the situation.
The conversation hits Harvey in a place where he already feels fractures. There's an intimacy between them all, and he needs to shift away in order to remain productive. Two blindsides in the period of hours feels unfair but he doesn't have time to dwell on the pity.
He wants to put everything into protecting Jessica, but he also knows the firm is what she values most and wants saved. Despite the three of them feeling chivalrous, they concede to her wishes.
Ideas for a media spin are quickly at a standstill. Admitting guilt after the Mike situation is business suicide. Blaming Jessica and having her take the entire fall makes them incompetent at best, and they're not willing to further tarnish her name.
Donna is unusually quiet through the exchange, and he knows for experience her intuitive thinking is an asset in these kinds of situations.
"Donna, do you have any ideas?" He dares ask.
She sucks in a breath, sighing. "I think we should bring in a professional. I know someone from a PR company-"
Something about the suggestion cuts him, the suggestion unsettling a voice that says she's lost doubt in him. "Donna, we're a law firm. We know how to create a spin. I'm not paying a stranger to come into our house and do a job we do quite well."
"And yet we have no ideas." Her arms cross. "You asked for my advice. Is the objection because it's my idea or to being vulnerable?"
He pauses, daring to stare at her. He's uncomfortable with the accusation with the others in the room. "We'll figure something out. We're not going to hire someone else to do our job."
"Are we back to you speaking for the rest of us? Leaving us out of decisions?" She asks.
"Donna..." He warns.
She lifts her head. "I was under the impression you were fine with seeking outside assistance when things got a little complicated on the inside."
The cutting undertone behind her words lights the anger inside him again. He straightens, unaware until that moment he's been weighed down. He's careful with his answer, not wanting to bend but afraid of where they're heading. "When there's no indication of a solution that might be necessary. We're not there."
She locks into him like a laser marking a target. "Really. Enlighten me how you came to that conclusion, please. I'd love the clarity."
His brow tightens, his breaths rising in his chest. He fights a primal urgency for something physical, a laddering growl forming deep within. He wants to drag her somewhere private to have this out, or pull her to him to let off a different kind of steam. It scares the hell out of him, but he can't seem to tame the reaction she's lit between them.
"What the hell is going on here?" Louis interrupts.
Mike puts a hand on Louis's chest. "Uh guys, do you two want us to go?"
"No," they answer in stereo.
Harvey can't be alone in a room with her right now. Despite the very urge to be.
"Uh, good. Because right now, you look like you might kill each other. If we can't come up with a spin on this, someone impartial might not be a bad idea," Mike suggests.
Harvey sighs, conceding he can't focus right now. "Fine. But I get final veto."
"Which I'm sure you're ready to use," Donna accuses.
Mike steps between them, hands pressing towards the floor. "Let's just hear them out, okay?"
"I'll go and make the phone call now," Donna says.
She walks between him and Mike, not taking the concern as she bumps against him. The move is aggressive, especially when he's accosted by honey, almond, and chamomile.
"What's going on with Donna? And you Harvey?" Louis asks.
Harvey wasn't in the mood to satisfy Louis's curiosity, even with a quip.
"Louis, I think maybe we should give them some space," Mike says.
Louis narrows his eyes. "Bullshit. If he did something to Donna-"
"I didn't. But it's between us." Harvey leveled with what sounded more like calm honesty than the exhaustion he truly felt.
Louis scoffed with an eye roll as he turned away and walked out in silence.
Mike didn't move, his stance half-turned between Harvey and the door, as if he's undecided on his next move. "I was going to work on the Lupo pro-bono, but with everything going on here-"
"Just go. I'm sure Donna's PR firm will get things settled."
"I was worried more about the two of you." The last syllable carried over normal boundaries, kind of like the subject matter.
"Go work on your pro-bono Mike."
Harvey couldn't tell Mike what he hadn't been able to make sense of himself. Especially with the vested interest they both had at protecting the woman at the center of it.
When Mike reluctantly leaves, Harvey's ready for a break despite just arriving. He forces himself through the morning, his only further contact with Donna being an impersonal and overly professional email from her.
From: donnapaulsen
Subject: P.R. Company appointment for approval
Dear Harvey,
I've spoken with Morrell PR and have set an appointment with the head of the company, Joseph Morrell, today at 1:30p.m. I've scheduled conference room A if you'd like to attend to finalize approval. If you have any objections to this arrangement, please advise what adjustments you prefer I make.
Sincerely(which he reads as 'Fuck You'),
Donna Paulsen
Specter/Litt COO
He has a long pull of breath to try and ease the pounding in his chest. It's a familiar arrival that appears when she pulls away. His lunch today is going to begin with a first course of scotch. He sets aside the thought that she's baiting him, unsure whether the conclusion is fair.
He straightens his coat, wanting out of the building. As soon as he steps out of his glass door, trouble appears. The worst he can handle today.
Paula is walking straight towards him, and more importantly, right passed Donna who's sitting in her office.
A/N's: I'm so sorry for taking so long to update! Real life keeps taking me away from my imaginary ones. I can't thank everyone enough to the follows and reviews. They totally help me continue! The dreams weren't my best work, but I didn't want to be too over the top considering how they were going to end.