2.
Beckett doesn't understand what the hell is wrong with her. Concentrating on her copious amounts of paper work is a seemingly impossible task. Lately her mind seemed to be running places she didn't want it to go. She closes her eyes and tries to get her racing thoughts in order. It really shouldn't be bothering her that he hasn't shown up yet, but she can't decide if she's happy that she doesn't have to face him, or if she's disappointed because she won't see him.
He still showed up last time.
Ryan and Esposito know that she is to be avoided. They had come to talk to her earlier and were only met with a glare.
"No coffee today?" Ryan had asked when he surveyed her desk.
She decided at that moment that she her dependence on coffee was bordering on pathetic. She shook her head fiercely.
"I'm quitting," she declared.
She's pretty sure that Esposito muttered something along the lines of, "Oh, dear Jesus. Run."
She's certain that her crabby mood is due to the lack of caffeine. It has absolutely nothing to do with the unoccupied chair next to her. Still, she finds herself checking her phone for the umpteenth time that morning. She tells herself that she was just making sure that it was on and that she didn't miss any important calls. Unlike the other times she checked it, this time it buzzes in her hand, declaring the arrival of a new text and she can't help but feel a bit better. The timestamp reads 10:42.
Mother's got the flu. I'll be in later, promise.
The tiniest hint of a smile graces her features. He's still coming.
-o-o-
"Hey Gram. You doing okay?" Alexis says as she dumps her school bag on the floor. She surveys the scene in front of her. Martha is on the couch, buried underneath a pile of blankets, a bucket at her feet. She's clutching a box of tissues, and Alexis wonders if she needs it because she's sick, or because of the movie she's watching.
"I feel like my insides are going to come up any minute," Martha waves dramatically with her right hand. "Now shush… it's getting to the good part."
Alexis rolls her eyes and plops down beside her. Thank God it's Friday, she thinks as she watches Martha mouthing the words along with the movie. What amazes Alexis most about her grandmother is that even armed with a puke bucket, no makeup, and red, puffy eyes, she still manages to have a sort of elegance. Meanwhile, Alexis is sure that she looks like absolute crap. Her posture is awful, her pony tail is falling out, her tie is askew, and she's pretty sure she's wearing two different kinds of socks. The bags under her eyes aren't helping either.
Martha definitely noticed. "Oh dear, Alexis! You look awful!"
"Gee, thanks."
"I do hope I didn't infect you."
"I'm fine, Gram. Stop worrying."
At her grandmother's raised eyebrow she adds, "I just didn't sleep well."
"There's something you're not telling me."
Alexis thinks it over for a moment. She tried talking to Ashley about what she had witnessed, but she couldn't really explain why it was bothering her so much. His parents have been together for like twenty-some years or something, so he really didn't understand. He said that she was overreacting. The rational part of her mind wanted to agree with him.
"It's nothing," she finally says. "Really."
"Whatever you say, Kiddo," says Martha as she replays the movie.
It was an age-old tradition to watch Titanic whenever somebody was stricken with a virus. It might have started when she had the chicken pox when she was six, or maybe even earlier. Either way, she can distinctly remember her father's hands frantically covering her eyes from the sex scenes.
The credits are now rolling, and Alexis opens her mouth to ask her grandmother a question she's been mulling around. "Do you believe in love like that?"
"Sure I do."
"I mean, Dad's been married twice, and you're-" she pauses, "-well you. Does forever even exist?"
"Honey, there are different kinds of forever," Martha tells her. "You can be with somebody for years and years, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's a good relationship. Or you can have a few moments with somebody that will stay with you forever. The only thing that matters is if you're good together."
-o-o-
True to his word, Castle shows up at the precinct much later, with two strawberry frappuccinos in hand.
"Considering the abnormally hot spring we've been having," he says handing her the drink, "I figured you'd appreciate one of these."
She takes it and says her thanks. She tries to take no notice of the tingling sensation when her fingertips accidently brush his. He sits down in the chair he claimed years ago and Beckett expects him to start pestering her like he usually does. She takes a sip of the pink drink in her hands, expecting him to say something, anything. She's unsettled when he doesn't.
"Is Martha alright?" she finally breaks the silence.
"Better than she was," he answers. "This morning she became new BFFs with the toilet. Her stomach has settled though, and she's not running a fever or anything."
Beckett smiles. "I'm glad."
Castle pauses for a moment. "We need to talk."
Her smile vanishes. He had to go and say the four little words she dreads hearing the most. Whenever somebody says that, she knows that her life is going to be thrown on its axis. With Castle, things were finally going back to normal. Instead of the awkward silences, and tense conversations, they were finally back to joking around, back to being themselves, and she really can't lose that. Not again.
"No we don't," she replies tersely.
"What happened last night-"
"-was last night," she cuts him off. "Nothing to talk about."
"Kate-" he tries again only to have her cut him off again.
"I'm not a twinkie, Castle."
Before he can retort, Esposito shows up waving a file in the air. "Yo, Beckett. Can you take a look at this?"
"Yeah, sure. Put it here," she indicates a spot on her desk.
Esposito's eyes dart back and forth between the two. Beckett knows why they're drawing suspicions. They are both trying desperately to act normal. Too normal. "I'm sorry. Did I interrupt?" he asks.
"No!" they both exclaim in unison. He frowns in confusion and walks away.
As soon as he's out of earshot Castle tries again. "Look-"
"Castle, we're friends," she interrupts him yet again. "That's all we're ever going to be. I don't want to ruin what we have. Like you said, it would be a bad idea."
From the journal of Richard Castle…
I am officially insane. Why did I think that she'd change her mind? Though this time I did manage to get something out of her. She just wants to stay friends. I suppose it's a step better than her kicking me out of her life.
She said that we were a bad idea, just like I had told her. It is true that I said that. But she's taking it completely out of context! When she kissed me the first time (excluding the undercover kiss), it'd been barely a few hours since Josh had walked out of her life.
She was a wreck and I gave her my shoulder to cry on and erase her pain, even as a tiny part of me was relieved that he was gone. I told her everything a good friend would have said. I rattled off every cliché I ever told Alexis or Mother. I told her that it was his loss, that she deserved somebody who would always be there for her. And maybe I was subconsciously hoping that she would realize that I've always been there, that I'll always be there for her.
And that's when she kissed me. It was the briefest of touches. So soft, so gentle. So quick. I wasn't quite sure that I had felt it right. She was going to lean in again, when I went flying ten feet back. I had thought about kissing her for such a long time, and the feelings that caused those thoughts seemed to have multiplied tenfold in the past year. I had to put some distance between us, otherwise I would have done something really stupid. I couldn't kiss her when she was in that state. I'm not her rebound.
That's why I told her it was a bad idea. I didn't mean to infer that the idea of us was a bad idea. (No wonder she keeps pulling away.)
That was the first of our stolen kisses. Before any of them were able to into anything, something- a phone, a door slam, or even an alarm, always managed to interrupt. And if that failed, she ran.
I feel like I'm at the point of no return. I've held back, I've tried playing by her rules, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I don't care if she just wants to be friends and "not ruin what we have." By not acting, we're already driving a wedge between us. I owe it to myself to at least try. I need to show her how good we'd be.
In other news, Mother is recovering nicely from her bout with influenza and Alexis seems to be avoiding me. I'm hoping the latter is just my overactive imagination.
-RC
A/N: Just a heads up, I'm heading into exam season, so updates are probably going to be sporadic. (For a little bit at least.) But reviews may give me the boost I need ;) On a completely unrelated note, am I the only one who is super excited for Doctor Who this weekend?