Harriet went to bed very early that evening and even though she was terribly tired, she was not able to fall asleep. She was tormented by thoughts and feelings that refused to leave her alone. She tried to reason with herself, with her own feelings and with her own thoughts, but they just wouldn't listen to her. She tried to tell her heart to love the little baby that lay in the cradle next to her side of the bed, but her heart refused to listen. She tried to hold her baby close, to inhale her sweet scent and carefully caress the baby's dark curls but sadly - that didn't work either. After spending three hours in bed without getting any sleep whatsoever Harriet sat up, pulled a blanket around her shoulders and left the room. It was only ten o'clock and Nels was standing behind the counter in the mercantile counting the receipts of the day. When he saw Harriet coming down the stairs he said with surprise in his voice:

"Why Harriet, I thought you were asleep. You said that you were feeling awfully tired at dinner."

"I just woke up", Harriet lied and wiped away a tear from her cheek. "What are you doing?"

"I'm counting today's receipts", answered Nels without noticing his wife's tears.

"How does it look", Harriet asked with a newfound strength in her voice.

"We've had better days", answered Nels. "It's the snow and the cold, people stay inside."

"Oh well, that is understandable", said Harriet and pulled the blanket closer around her shoulders. "Have the children gone to bed?"

Nels nodded.

"They went to bed an hour ago."

"Oh, I see", said Harriet and wiped away another tear. The thought of Nellie and Willie and the unconditional love she felt for them made her feel even worse. She shook her head and decided to move on to another subject.

"Nels", she said and moved closer to her husband.

"Yes dear", said Nels without looking up.

"Nels, I've been thinking. I feel that it would be good for me to return to work."

Nels looked up and noticed his wife's tear stricken face.

"Harriet", he exclaimed worryingly. "Have you been crying? Whatever is the matter? Are you in pain? Do you want me to get Doctor Baker?"

"Oh don't be silly", said Harriet. "It is just the bright light, that's all."

Nels raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am", lied Harriet. "Well, what do you think?"

"About what?"

"Oh for heaven sake Nels! What do you think about me returning to work?"

Nels lay his pen aside, closed the book containing their costumers' accounts and looked at Harriet.

"Well, are you sure that you are strong enough? Remember, you have only been out of bed for one week."

"I know, but I want to", said Harriet.

"I don't know", said Nels and shook his head. " I don't think you are strong enough. Besides, Doctor Baker advised you to take it easy for at least six weeks, remember?"

"Oh don't be silly!"

Nels grabbed his wife by her shoulders and looked at her with serious eyes.

"Harriet", he said with a calm but firm voice. "You gave me quite a scare three weeks ago and I am afraid that something might happen to you if you return to work too early. Harriet, I am only thinking of you. Besides, Lillie needs you."

"I know but…"

"No buts Harriet", Nels interrupted. "I don't want you to go back to work yet – and that's that!"

"Well Nels Oleson", Harriet said irritated. "This just happens to be my store and I'll do as I want. I'll be returning to work tomorrow and there is nothing that you can do about it."

"But Har…"

"End of discussion Nels!"

Harriet smiled, turned around and walked up the stairs. She got into bed and pulled the cover close. She was certain that if she kept herself occupied and didn't spend every hour of the day thinking of her inability to love her own child, the love would appear by itself. Comforted by this thought, Harriet finally feel asleep only to be waken half an hour later by Lillie wanting to be fed.

.