What the hell am I doing? This is insane…

Here she was, standing in front of the front door to Castle's loft, at ten in the morning on a Saturday, holding coffee and a box of donuts. After last night, she'd stumbled back to her apartment and tried to sleep, unsuccessfully, of course. The wheels were turning in her mind faster than none other and she'd finally decided what to do. It was only now that she was starting to panic.

A dozen different questions started bombarding her from the back of her mind, causing her to lose courage. At this rate, she was going to chicken out.

What if he thinks I should have said yes? What if he doesn't say anything? What if he's not in love with me at all and I just threw away a perfectly good relationship for nothing? What if this is a repeat of last summer? What if he answers the door and some woman other than Alexis and Martha is here? What if he stops shadowing me?

"Breathe, Katie, just breathe," a voice inside her insisted, one that sounded suspiciously like her mother. She tried to listen, sucking in a few quick breaths trying to calm her nerves. It was hard. Or, rather, it was impossible. At that exact moment, Castle chose to open the door.

"Beckett!" he chirped excitedly. But she was frozen.

Speak, Kate…otherwise he's going to start freaking out as to why you're standing at his front door, not breathing…

"Hey, Castle…" she managed to greet unsteadily.

"Well, hello…" he greeted her, a wide smile on his face that put all her fears at ease for the moment. Amazing how she went from pure terror to relief with just one of his smiles. She smiled back, "to what to I owe the pleasure, Detective?"

"I…umm, can I come in?" she asked. He stepped aside, gesturing her into his apartment.

"Of course," he told her, then took a moment to study her, "Kate, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine…" she mumbled, "I brought you guys donuts and coffee…but, what happened to Martha and Alexis?"

"Mother's out somewhere with Lance Hastings," he said, though he flinched slightly at this thought, causing her to laugh, "something to do with her school…Alexis is out shopping with Paige."

"Are you busy?"

"If by busy you mean, trying to write and instead playing Majong Titans, then, yes, I am busy."

"Majong Titans, huh," she teased, and he chuckled.

"Clearly, I'm making progress…please tell me you have something more interesting for me to do…"

So many possibilities popped into her head at that exact moment, but none were exactly what he'd been implying just now. For once, it was her mind in the gutter.

"Not really, no," she replied, "Sorry."

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked. She watched with curiosity as the fingers of his right hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out to her. She looked up at him, and saw concern, even fear in those brilliant eyes of his. She took a deep breath, sliding into the seat behind the counter.

Now or never.

"I didn't sleep well," she admitted. Castle sat down next to her.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Josh asked me to marry him," she answered.

Had she had any doubts coming to the loft today, about how he felt about her, they dissolved the moment she saw the expression of complete and utter heartbreak flash across Richard Castle's face. And had she not been looking at him directly as she said that, she may not have seen it. Because as quickly as the expression appeared, it was hidden. He cleared his throat, forcing a smile that was almost, but not quite convincing.

"Wow," he said, "that's, umm…amazing. Congratulations!" She shook her head at him, smiling. She turned herself on the stool where she sat, laying a hand on his knee. He looked up at her, pain flooding his gaze, but he tried to keep his smile in place.

What would have happened, she wondered, if she had said yes to Josh? If she truly came to tell Castle she was marrying another man. It reminded her of how he'd bowed out when it came to Demming last year. She knew, in truth, it was her fault for waiting so long. But she'd been so convinced that Castle's feelings for her were shallow. It was only since he returned she began to realize otherwise. She'd tried to ignore it, because she thought that she and Castle had missed their chance. And then there was Josh, a man she did genuinely care about.

She'd never loved Josh. It may have been possible, three years before, before she'd dragged the cocky, brilliant author into her interrogation room for the first time. Before she ever fell in love with Richard Castle. He is a tough act to follow.

Had Josh ever really stood a chance? The answer was simple. No.

Josh didn't know her. He didn't stand by her side when her world was crumbling and make her smile. He didn't annoy her like no other man could, nor did he have the ability to make her laugh no matter how she was feeling. He was not Richard Castle. And Richard Castle, she realized, was just what she needed.

"Who said that I said yes," she replied, grinning. Castle looked startled.

"But, why?" he asked. Beckett merely kept smiling. Then got up from the stool and stood in front of him. She placed herself in between his legs and reached out, taking the tip of her index finger lightly from his hairline to his chin. He watched her, breathing shallow, afraid to move.

"Rick…"

She moved closer and brushed her lips over his lightly. Just once, and then twice, before she let herself get caught up in the feeling of kissing Richard Castle. He caught up with her quickly after that, one hand threading through her hair as the other wound around her back, pulling her closer. They stayed that way for a few more moments before pulling away from one another, breathless.

That had been so much better than the kiss outside the warehouse. It wasn't frantic, or fear-driven, or full of adrenaline and lust. It was hopeful, passionate, and tender. Beckett smiled, pulling away so she could actually see his expression.

"Does that answer your question?" she asked. He looked at her, awestruck, and the corners of his mouth began to turn up. The arm around her back loosens, but doesn't release her. His other hand is resting on her hip.

"Plainly," he answered, somewhat breathless, "But it might require some elaboration, if you please." She grinned at him.

"Last summer, before you left, Javi said something rather insightful…"

"Esposito, insightful?" he joked. She smiled, tipping her head to the side and adjusting her hands from his shoulders to his neck, one hand playing with his hair.

"It was a good moment for him," she replied, "Anyway, he said that you have enough research for a hundred books…yet you stuck around anyway…he also said, that you didn't stick around just so you could watch me with another guy."

Castle was remembering, she knew. He looked sad.

"I just want you to be happy," he mumbled. She cupped his face in her hand and stroked his cheek.

"Oh, I know," she answered him, "And I realized this. You remember when I took you aside, and was going to tell you something?"

"Yes."

"I was going to say yes. To you and to the Hamptons…but then Gina walked up. And when you walked away, I felt like I was never going to see you again."

"Kate—"

"That night as the precinct, after the bomb, you were going to say something. I don't know what it was, but I had a feeling it was significant. But then the same thing happened. We keep having these moments…but the universe doesn't want us to continue them, so they just cut us off. When Josh asked me to marry him, all that flashed through my mind was you walking out of the precinct that day. Only, this time, in my head, you were walking out for good. And that thought scared me, more than the prospect of dying ever has. It suddenly dawned on me that I already have someone to dive into things with me. Someone who is always there for me. And he's the only man I want." "What I'm trying to say…is that somewhere in the middle of all murder and bickering, I fell in love with you. I know that might be going a little fast—"

Castle's lips crashed on hers, effectively silencing any lingering doubts.

"You call three years fast?" he mumbled against her mouth afterwards. She laughed.

"Maybe…"

His hand brushed back her hair over her shoulder, cupping her face in his.

"My extraordinary Kate Beckett…I love you, too."