A\N. This is an alternative version of the first one-shot chapter. I had to write my take on why Penny suddenly decided she didn't want kids and the possible consequences of her actions.

What Am I Longing For

Leonard and Howard sat on a park bench watching Howard's kids playing in the playground area of the local park, Howard kept half an eye on them as Leonard babbled on about the things that were bothering him. "I love her so much. What do I do?" He asked Howard.

"Howard looked puzzled and asked. "What do you mean what do you do?"

Leonard sometimes envied Howard playing happy family with his kids. Hanging with Howard and his kids brought back memories of his sister and how loving she was to her two children. After what they went through with Beverley, it was a miracle his sister turned out to be a good mom. Leonard wanted to be a father and a good one too. Leonard occasionally visited his sister with Penny. Whenever Leonard went to see his sister, his urge to be father grew stronger. He bonded strongly with his niece and nephew, but Penny was adamant she didn't want kids even though she was always brilliant with his sibling's kids. Penny would make a great mom. Leonard thought.

"I want to kids, but she doesn't, what am I going to do," Leonard grunted.

"Hmm, didn't you agree you were okay with her decision." Howard enquired.

"I know, I know, we agreed and I thought I was fine with the no kids thing, but lately, I have been thinking about it and I'm not happy with not ever having kids."

Howard could see this topic was killing Leonard inside and as a father, could see where Leonard was coming from. "Then why did you agree to it.?" Howard asked.

"I guess I did it for love," Leonard sighs.

"What are you going to do? Are you going to talk to Penny about how you feel?" Howard asked.

"Huh…, I don't know, it will only cause an argument, but the more I keep it to myself the more resentful I feel toward Penny. Why didn't she tell me she didn't want babies before we got married?" Leonard groaned.

"Yeah, that wasn't fair at all, she should have talked to you about it." Howard could see how emotionally this was affecting Leonard. He felt sorry for his friend; he knew he would make a great father and Penny, not wanting kids must have been a big blow to him. Many people have kids because they don't want to regret it later and what was Leonard's sudden urgency to have kids. Is it because he and Bernadette started a family and he wants a family of his own. Howard wondered.

"Are you holding up okay?" A concerned Howard asked.

"No, it driving me crazy," Leonard admitted.

"Talk to her; maybe it's a psychological issue or some early trauma she experienced before she met you that is holding her back." Howard speculated.

Leonard and Penny finished eating their dinner, they cleared and washed the dishes together. Not much conversation was going on. The silence was broken.

"I love you, Penny." Leonard put his hands on hers in the foam sink water.

"I love you too. What brought this on." Penny asked and kissed him on the lips.

"Can we talk.?" Leonard said shyly, he didn't want to upset Penny, but he knew he had to talk to her about how he was feeling.

Penny wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about, but he had been acting weird lately. "Sure, what's on your mind honey?" They left the remaining dishes for later and sat on the sofa next to each other.

Leonard paused fidgeting with his fingers. "Please do not take this the wrong way, but are you ever going to change your mind about wanting kids?"

Penny wasn't expecting this to come up again, they have talked about it and agreed that Penny's decision is final. "We've discussed this through, and you said you are happy with my decision, have you changed your mind?" Penny asked.

"Yes, I'm sorry, but lately I have been thinking about it a lot. At some point in my life, I want kids." Leonard admitted.

Penny thought about what Leonard just said. So this was what's been bugging him. He hadn't been himself for a few weeks and would snap at the slightest when she asked if he was okay. Penny did want kids someday, but she was scared that she would be a bad mother and the thought of pushing a baby out scared the hell out of her. She always felt she was this strong independent woman, but like everyone, she had doubts, and her biggest fear was going into labour. Penny couldn't tell Leonard about her concerns because she didn't want him to think less of her or leave her. She knew it wasn't fair on him. Penny felt terrible because she loved him so much. Only if she wasn't terrified of giving birth and she could be honest with Leonard.

"Leonard, I'm sorry, but I have made my mind up, and I'm not going to change it," Penny snapped.

"I know, but I feel like we both want different things in life," Leonard said sadly.

Penny knew her actions could be seen as selfish. She had spent a lot of time really thinking about why she didn't want children, and whether she would regret this choice of not wanting to go through with labour due to her fears. "Maybe in the future, we can adopt." Penny pleaded.

Leonard thought about the option but quickly dismissed it. "But it would not be my biological child. I have accomplished most of my lifetime goals except for having those smart and beautiful babies."

Penny didn't know what to say, so she said the first thing that came to mind. "Uh... I don't know what to say; I know you love science um… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to crush your dreams." she whimpered.

Leonard made a last-ditch attempt. "Penny I only wanna have kids with you. No one else." A deep warm feeling rush through his body as he touched Penny's hand.

Penny was touched by his words and felt a wholly sensation of his touch. "To be fair the only time we'd talked about kids was when we were joking around." Penny tried to lighten the mood.

Leonard chuckled. Penny was right, they never really talked about kids, just jokes here and there. Not talking about it can cause resentment, and anxieties can arise due to things remaining unspoken. Just thinking Penny would be fine having kids was terrible on his part. Leonard knew it is never a smooth transition from being a couple to being a family, Howard and Bernadette proved that. "Then you should have told me how you feel before we got married, Penny."

"I know, I'm sorry, but I was scared you would leave me or not want to marry me," Penny said honestly.

"Maybe, maybe not, I don't know. Penny, I love you with all my heart, but I cannot accept that I will never be a father."

"What are you saying?" Penny asked, panic in her voice.

"We can't be together if we are not willing to compromise. I need to go away and think."

"Are you leaving me?" Penny asked in a croaked voice.

"I don't know Penny, all I know is I need time to myself to think what is really important in my life and my future. There is a big part of me that doesn't want ever to lose you." Leonard tried to hold back the tears.

Penny knew she loved him more than anything and even though it will hurt like hell. She had no right to stop him. She had decided not to have kids without consulting him, and now the consequences had caught up with her. "Are you sure you want to give up on us just because I don't want to be a mom?" Penny sobbed.

Leonard did not answer the question, he looked into Penny's eyes and said: "There will always be a part of me that want kids." He wipes her tears.

"Never mind that it's my body that will have to go through the changes," Penny grunted. "I understand where you are coming from Leonard." she covers her hands in his. "Where are you going to go? Have you got a place to stay?" Penny asked worriedly.

Leonard knew where he wanted to be. "Yeah, I'll go to my sister's, she will let me crash for a few days." Leonard tried to assure Penny. "There is nothing wrong with you not wanting kids. That's your personal choice Penny; I don't hate you for it, I just wished you discussed it with me." Leonard said sincerely.

Admitting defeat, Penny said. "I love you Leonard and always will. Don't give up on our love." Penny snuggled into him and cried.

"I love you too Penny, never forget that. We will get through this, I promise." Leonard assured her.

Penny didn't want Leonard to leave but understood why he wanted to go. She was messing with his feelings, but she was too scared to tell him about her worries. Penny wasn't in control of her fears. When she was with him, he always lifted her up when she was down. She loved him forever and always will. "Leonard, what will it take to show you I will always love you, and my love is true. With or without kids?"

Leonard thought about what Penny said. "Let our love flow forever and hopefully when I get back, we'll find some common ground and maybe what I'm longing for will fade away."