Oxymorons don't work in a relationship
Chapter 2:
Behind Every Great Man Is A Woman Rolling Her Eyes

In which there are way too many movie quotes and the plan begins.

Sasuke's POV
After a sleepless night, I eagerly greet the morning, aware that today could be the day that I either make or break my -now very fragile- relationship with Sakura. It's only seven am and I know for a fact that neither Ino nor Suigetsu will be up at this time. Suigetsu only works on Monday and Tuesday and Ino doesn't work at all, apart from the volunteer work she does from time to time, meaning their usual rising hour harked more towards the eleven o' clock mark than the seven. Ino's dad owns a multimillion dollar industry with two of his friends and he is more than happy to fund his only daughter's living expenses, even though she married possibly the worst candidate ever for the respectable son in law award (nothing against Suigetsu though, he's one of my best friends, has been for a long time).

I sigh and then roll onto my back, staring up at the wooden ceiling as I wonder whether Sakura is up yet.

Well, there's no use just lying around. I get out of bed, pull some jeans on and then pad downstairs to the kitchen. I'm pouring myself a black coffee when my phone suddenly rings. Hoping that it may be Sakura suddenly having a change of heart, I sprint to the phone. My face drops at the voice on the other hand.

"Sasuke!"

Karin. Karin who has pursued me for years now. Karin who is married to one of my best friends, but doesn't see that as anything that should put her off chasing me. Karin, just...Karin.

"Karin." I reply, my voice mimicking the way I was saying her name in my head, as if I was a voiceover in a commercial about the common cold being way more deadly than it first seems.

Karin is not put off by my unshielded disappointment and batters on, getting into the good stuff before the sun has even had time to rise fully.

"I heard you split up with Sakura!"

I tense, my forehead knits together, and I knead at the bridge of my nose. "Did you? From who?"

"Oh everyone knows," she replies airily. "I'm so sorry Sasuke!" Liar. "Do you want me to come round?"

"No I do not," I say matter of factly. "And I think you should know that I have not actually separated from Sakura."

There's silence from the other end and then Karin speaks, doubt in her voice, as if she doesn't think I've grasped the situation properly.

"She left your house in the middle of the night." She tells me.

"Yes." I agree.

There's another silence; I begin to get irritated. "Is that the only reason you called?" I demand.

Another lengthy silence. I (someone who usually prefers silence to chatter) feel like punching a table or a baby...or a puppy.

"Yes." Karin reveals.

"Oh, okay then. Goodbye Karin." I reply immediately.

"Goodbye Sasuke! And if you ever feel the need to come round or if you ever want me to come ro-"

I put the phone down while she's still babbling on and then slump down onto a bar seat by the kitchen counter.

Ok, I've given them enough time now; at ten am, I ring Suigetsu and Ino's. The phone picks up and Suigetsu answers.

"Yello."

"Suigetsu." I spring quickly.

"Ah, Romeo himself!" Suigetsu replies. "How you doin' bro?"

"How do you think?" I retort. "Is Sakura in?"

"Yeah, she's up in the guest bedroom cutting your head out of pictures." Suigetsu responds solemnly.

"What?" I yelp. I mean, I know I insulted her a little, but surely, that's a little, well, crazy?

"Aha!" Suigetsu laughs. "Just kidding dude, but she is in. Do you want to talk to her?"

"Yes," I say immediately before quickly retracting my affirmation. "No!" I know Sakura, if she knows it's me on the other end of the line, she'll never pick up. What to do... "Ok, put her on, but don't tell her it's me." I instruct Suigetsu.

"Can do boss," Suigetsu replies before taking a deep breath. "SAAAAAKKKUUURRRRRAAAAAAAA!" He yells, his voice blasts out of the phone and explodes my eardrum.

"Suigetsu you stupid fuck-" I go quiet when I hear Sakura answer Suigetsu's call.

"Yes?"

"There's someone on the phone for you." Suigetsu says.

"Who?" Sakura asks, obviously coming closer as her voice becomes louder.

My heart begins to pound.

"Just...someone." Suigetsu replies evasively and then Sakura's on the phone.

"Hello?"

Oh God, I miss her so much already. This is weird, I'm not usually the one to fawn over people, usually people fawn over me, now I'm getting a lesson in what it's like to be the 'fawner'...I'm pretty sure I don't like it.

"Hello?" Sakura repeats.

Oh, shit. I have to answer. I gulp and then, "Helloooooo." What in the shitting hell was that? My eyes flick around wildly as I come out with the silliest voice possible. Why have I put on a silly voice? What have I done?

There's quiet on the other end for a while and then Sakura speaks again.

"Sasuke is that you?"

"Nooo." I reply in my high-pitched voice. So...apparently, I'm running with this now. WHY? I curse myself mentally as I wait for Sakura's response.

"Yes it is," she replies to my denial. "What's the matter with you Sasuke? Is this all a big joke to you? Calling up and putting stupid voices on, it's not even like you! It's like you've gone out of your way to annoy and upset me." And then the phone's slammed down, I feel a piece of my heart crack.

I stand there, receiver in hand, and curse myself. Why on earth did I put on a silly voice? I'm just about to crack the phone against my head when it rings. I pick up.

"Yes?" I say, my heart feeling like a dead weight in my chest.

"That didn't seem to go so well." Suigetsu's voice resounds into my ear.

"It didn't." I agree.

"What happened?"

"I...For some reason I put on a stupid voice." I scrunch my eyes closed as I say this, well aware what the reaction will be...

"What?" Suigetsu exclaims and then he bursts out laughing, his chuckling filling the receiver.

I glare at the wall as his laughter goes on for almost a full minute and then he speaks again, amusement still in his voice.

"What did the voice sound like?" He requests.

"I'm not repeating it," I spit back. "It was a stupid lapse of judgement. Nerves."

"Sasuke Uchiha gets nervous?" Suigetsu says in a faux shocked way, before he giggles again. "Go on Sasuke, please?"

I sigh, grumble a little and then speak. "I said hello like 'heelllloooo'." I put on the high-pitched voice again, much to Suigetsu's delight.

My best friend absolutely honks with laughter, hurting my ear as he guffaws down the line.

"Oh my God Sasuke!" he exclaims breathlessly, in between laughing. "I...I feel for you, but that has to be the funniest thing I have ever heard."

"Hn." I reply moodily.

Suigetsu continues on, ignoring my obvious bad mood. "Because the voice is hilarious enough right? But the fact that you...that you..." he stops talking as he erupts into more laughter, but eventually recovers and speaks once more. Not that I want him to. "That you put it on because you were nervous and to the girl you want back no less! Priceless!"

"Yes, yes, my whole world falling apart is just hilarious." I shoot back.

"Sorry Sasuke," Suigetsu replies not sounding sorry at all. "But it is sort of your fault."

Ouch.

"Hn," I grumble back, not in the mood to admit that I suck at relationships. "Look could you just put your lovely wife on please? She asked me to call her."

"I doubt you were meant to talk to Sakura in a silly voice beforehand but sure." Suigetsu says in return and then takes in a deep breath.

I get the phone away from my ear just in time and only hear the faintest 'IIIIINNOOOOOO!' as a result. Thanking God I place the phone back to my ear, only to be met by a barrage of insults.

"You complete and utter twonk. What have you done now, you blithering excuse for a Homosapien?" Ino's voice comes roaring down the line and I wince as her yells pulverise my already destroyed eardrum.

"It was an accident," I defend. "I panicked."

"You've never panicked before! You didn't even panic when we were on that trip to Florida and the car went careering off the road! You have no excuse," Ino retorts angrily. "And now you've set her off again!"

"Sakura?" I check.

"Who bloody else?" Ino yells back. "The queen of bloody England? Of course Sakura! You are in deep doodoo Uchiha."

"Ugh." I hunch over and pile my head into my arms. I am crap at this reconciling thing. I'm great at rejecting bids to reconcile, but clearly, I suck when the shoe's on the other foot.

"You are going to have to do something major if you want her back Sasuke," Ino says, her voice becoming softer. "She's more upset than I've ever seen her...and I saw her when Idate dumped her on prom night."

I let out a groan and lift my head in order to hit it against the wall. "But what can I do?" I request. "She doesn't even want to speak to me."

"Well, that's the thing; I've always thought that the best way to profess love is not through talking, but through showing."

A jolt of dread sparks through me and my head snaps up. "Oh no," I mutter. "Not some over the top, smoochy, vomit inducing-"

"That's right!" Ino yelps excitedly over me. "Huge public displays of affection! Whoo!"

Noo. I hit my head against the wall again. Apparently, I suck at private displays of affection, how on earth does Ino think I can handle public ones?

"And of course," Ino's voice radiates out to me once again.

Oh...here's how.

"I'll help you every step of the way!"

The jolt of dread becomes a full-blown electric storm within me and I resume with banging my head against the wall, bumping out a beat that Bob Marley would be proud of...while also causing myself such intense head injury that Tsunade (my resident doctor and all round boobarella) would most likely cry.

"Now, this is going to need some intense planning. Are you free today?" Ino continues trilling, apparently, she does not care about the fact I'd rather hold my head under water for a sustained amount of time than declare my love for Sakura in front of a crowd of gushing (or mocking) bystanders.

"Oi, Sasuke! I said are you free today?" Ino repeats.

I glance at my diary (though I know for a fact that I am, indeed, free) and then grit my teeth. "Yes. I'm free." I reply unenthusiastically.

"Brilliant," Ino says happily. "Come to mine, on the double."

"Will Suigetsu be there?" I ask pitifully.

Ino lets out a loud sigh. "No Sasuke, Suigetsu will not be there to mock you relentlessly; he's going out with friends."

"I wasn't worried about being mocked." I reply (read lie).

"Ok then and I'm the virgin queen of Sheba," Ino responds breezily. "Just hurry up."

I sigh, bid my farewell and then put the phone down. Great...time to plan the most humiliating day of my life...with one of the most violent women I've ever met. If I don't agree to Ino's terms I have no doubts that she will make her disdain obvious to me through actions with her fists.

Later on (much later on; in her fit of fury Sakura drove off in my Volvo, meaning I had to take the bus) I turn up at Ino's. As soon as I ring on the bell, she rips the door open. She looks me up and down with a sneer and then speaks.

"I want to hurt you physically." She remarks.

"Great." I reply and she moves aside to let me enter her house.

I move from the wooden floored hallways into the large living room/dining room area and then take a seat on one of their plush white couches. Ino follows and then sits down opposite me.

"Ok," she announces. "Even though I want to bite your nose off for being such a blimming idiot, I also want to help you. You made Sakura very happy and I don't want her to do anything brash. However, I have been Sakura's best friend for a long time and I am aware that her impulse, once hurt, is to simply hide away. She also holds the hugest grudges so it's going to take a while to get into her hard shell."

"Hard shell?" I repeat. "What hard shell?"

"The hard shell that completely disappeared when she met you," Ino says, not hiding the disdain in her voice. She does not like me right now. "She thought you were nice -ha-, sophisticated, intelligent, cool, calm and like totally hot. So, of course, you've had the privilege to see her soft squishy side since the day you met."

Huh.

"Oh." Is all I manage.

"Yes," Ino nods her head, acting as if I'm dumb or a baby...or both. "Realising that you just cocked up a relationship with the most besotted woman ever are you?"

"Hey," I retort, my eyebrow twitching. "I'm besotted too."

"Yeah, well, you sure as hell don't show it." Ino replies.

"What do you mean?" I question, getting the feeling that her statement has more weight to it than it initially gives away.

"During all your seven years of dating did it not occur to you once that Sakura may have wanted to get married?" Ino says.

I frown and purse my lips. Sakura always gave off the impression that she was too above the whole marriage thing. She's so collected and together in front of me that I always presumed she didn't feel like she needed a piece of paper to prove our love was real. Sakura could be soppy and sappy, but that was usually about puppies or other people's relationships. I didn't think...I pause in my current thoughts and then cringe. Yeah, I really didn't think.

"Who set up everything for each and every single anniversary?" Ino continues.

"...Sakura." I say, now aware where this is heading...and I'm definitely sure I don't like it.

"Who was the one that initiated every single double date?" Ino barrages on, aware that I am now feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

"Sakura." I say again.

"Who was the one that basically provided all of the romance all of the time?"

"Sakura," I admit. "But...I did do some stuff, like that holiday to Spain?"

"Sasuke," Ino sighs. "Doing some stuff, occasionally, is just not the good foundation for a relationship. You've got to keep the love alive. I know marriage may not seem like a big deal to you, but it means the world to Sakura,"

I stay quiet, taking this all in. How could I have read so many things wrong? Oh yeah, that's right, because I'm an asshole.

"Did you know she's dreamt of getting married since we were kids? And you were her perfect guy. She's put so much into your relationship, she deserves more," Ino's voice is soft and she leans forward as she continues. "Sasuke, you and Sakura are great together. Not as great as me and Suigetsu, but that's ok,"

I roll my eyes at this, but let her continue.

"Listen, I want you to be with Sakura. I know you both love each other, all this means is that you're going to have to do a hell of a lot to win her back."

"Do you think she's been thinking all of this?" I question. "That I don't put anything into the relationship and all that?"

"She's been saying it," Ino responds. "Let alone just thinking it. She doesn't want to be taken for granted. She shouldn't be taken for granted and I know you didn't mean to, in a million years, take her for granted; you love her. You are who you are because of her. She is every reason, every hope, and every dream you've ever had, and no matter what happens to you two in the future, everyday you're with her is the greatest day of your life. You will always be her's." Ino's face takes on a dreamy look and she lets out a content sigh.

"Isn't that a quote from The Notebook?" I ask.

Ino snaps out of her reverie and then tuts. "Not the point," she hisses. "Look, we need to fix this."

"Yes," I agree, at loathe to annoy the blonde before me again. "But how?"

"You are so completely retarded in the romance area," Ino replies. "But I have a plan that will help you!"

"Oh gee, great." I manage, attempting not to be offended by her comments.

"It goes like this, a multitude of different, highly romantic PDA's (public displays of affection),"

I shudder.

"That end up with you proposing to her in front of thousands of people!"

"Pr...proposing?" I squeak out, highly uncharacteristic of me.

"Oh yes Sasuke," Ino nods formally and her long side fringe sways as she does so. "This has to end with a marriage because otherwise there'll be an end to your relationship and I know that's not what you want. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to just love and be loved in return."

"Isn't that from Moulin Rouge?"

Ino squares her shoulders and glares at me furiously. "We are who we choose to be." She retorts.

"That's from Spiderman," I say. "And is also completely irrelevant."

"Sasuke," she growls. "Shut up."

I think I will.

AN: So hi again! Thank you to the three so far who have reviewed and also thank you to everyone who has began following the story or has favourited it! It means a lot to me. Yeah, there were a lot of movie quotes (indeed, the title of this chapter is a quote from Bruce Almighty) in this, and, of course, I do not own those quotes, nor do I own Naruto sadly. But yeah, anyway, thank you for reading and I'd love a review if you liked it :3 Thanks anyway! -G