We sit in the parkinglot of the hospital huddled close together. The heater in the rabbit is broken but I don't get it fixed because I have my own personal heater, that's what I tell Jacob. I'm excited but I keep that crushed down low, crushed down very low, and I focus on the warmth of Jacob's skin on my cheek and the way he smell. He doesn't use sprays or special soaps unless I leave them there on accident. Most recently I switched his body wash with mine and he smells of lavander. It makes me laugh to smell him and it makes the members of his pack laugh too-especially since he's okay with being laughed at right now.
"Are you sure you don't want to go in?" I ask Jacob as I press my mouth to his shoulder.
He tenses up a little but his voice is come and composed, "Yeah, I'm just going to wait out here."
"We can leave," I say as I turn my head upward to look at him. Even sitting down he's taller than me so I have to place my chin on the curve of his shoulder.
"No, we should have came last night if anything. Bella...I...," he looks away and I can see the pain written perfectly in his features. He's confused and lost and he doesn't know how he should be feeling. I want so badly to know what someone said or what someone thought.
"That's enough Jacob. It was an accident. It's not your fault," I uses the gentlest of tones with him, treating him as if he were a child that had broken my favorite vase. I use my good hand to rub his leg and I nuzzle his shoulder with my face, breathing in his scent again.
He relaxes a fraction but his eyes are steady on the hospital as if waiting for someone to come out. I wonder what he would do if he were to see...him...Would he attack, even though he had always treated Jacob with so much respect? What if he were to see Carlisle? Or Esme? Two vampires that I miss so much and know must be taking the break up badly. I allow myself to be excited to see Carlisle. I can do that, surely Jacob isn't jealous of him.
"I should go now. The faster I get this over with the faster we can go," I say softly although I make no move to back away.
"Wh-..." he stops. I can tell another fight was going to brew but I'm still not healed from the last one. He knows he owes me some time to heal. "Fine."
"You can come in with me," I probe, knowing I'll feel stronger with him to hold my hand as they push my shoulder back into place.
"No." his voice is soft but I still jump, sending shards of pain through out my entire body. He sees this and quickly fixes his actions by turning his body to me. His hands take my face and lift it up toward his as if I were a doll. His thumbs brush across my face-over my cheeks, along my nose, across my lips-and I'm puddy in his fire hands. I close my eyes and sink into this gentle side that I try to hold onto so much, "I'll wait here for you, Bella."
I don't move yet. I wait until his fingers leave my face and then I nod and whisper, "Okay."
He places a kiss on my lips and I return it in the same manner.
I jump down from the rabbit but before I shut the door I look back at him and say, "I love you, Jacob."
He sighs softly and nods, "I love you too."
I cross the front of the rabbit and walk to the entrance of the hospital. He's guilty for what how he behaved. I can see that in his eyes and in the way he returns my love. He's still jealous and hurt for how I treated him with Edward. He loves me, I think, that's why he acts this way. He's afraid that one day I'll wake up and think I made the wrong choice. But I'm afraid he'll do the same thing. I'm afraid he'll cast me aside as damaged goods. But that's marraige isn't it?
"Bella..."
A cold chill runs through me and I see Carlisle, Dr. Cullen, standing with a clip board at the front desk. I think about my unanswered wedding invitation but push it to the back. This is a good thing seeing him. He holds the clip board tightly and I'm afraid it will snap. He blinks his golden eyes at me with his mouth agape and I'm surprised because I thought I'd never be able to scare a Cullen. He looks like he's not breathing and in this second I take in his entire appearance and the slight alterations only I would be able to notice. His close aren't immaculate as they always were, his hair isn't perfectly combed back, he looks a little strained and a little less self-composed. I wonder what I've done to him.
I try to smile, "Hey, Dr. Cullen."
He looks grim as he lowers his head and returns to his "human" position. He leans against the counter and looks to the nurse, "I'll take care of her in my office."
"Alright, Dr. Cullen, wha-"
"It's fine," he smiles his charming smile and it seems as if he's returned back to normal. He stands up right and turns toward the direction of his office and extends his free hand in that direction as well, "After you."
I nod and begin to walk, feeling as though I might lose my footing at any second. I try not to smell him and I try not to stand too close. I try not to look at his marble skin or his perfect gait or his perfect eyes and his perfect little mannerisms. I try to focus on the pain in my shoulder that has increased since I have become uncomfortable.
We don't speak until we get into his office. He closes the door behind me, locks it, and motions toward the patient bed, "Hop up. Tell me what's wrong."
"It's..my shoulder," I say, my face scrunching as I pull apart my blouse to show it to him. His eyes take it in with the same kind of fear and despair that he had welcomed me with. He doesn't touch me or go near me, maybe he knows how Jacob will act if I smell too much like vampire. He seems deep in thought as his eyes look over the bruises on my shoulder and arm that I don't bother hiding. I begin to explain, "I was with Jacob at our house and I was at the top of the stairs...He had just come home and he was all wet and making puddles everywhere. I was just throwing his clothes too the basement when I slipped and I was going to fall right down and he grabbed me...you know how strong they are."
He doensn't respond to my words. There is the hint of a scowl, you'd think he was Edward. I shouldn't have thought of the name. Without Jacob here to protect me from Carlisle's cold I can't help but to relish in it as I blink and breathe in their scent that I miss so much. His cheek so smooth and white and hard and soft at the same time. It's like cutting out pieces of a magazine to make his image that I long to see, even just once.
But I have to stop, "What's the diagnoses, doc?"
"It's definitely dislocated," he says with a sigh. His arms uncross and he steps away from me and to the counter. He grabs two gloves and I have to marvel again at how he appears to be so human and not human at the same time. He slips on his gloves slowly, even though if he really wanted to they would be on now, "I'm going to pop it back into place but I can't promise it wont hurt."
"I know it's going to hurt," I say, closing my eyes tightly in the blink as if to prepare myself for the pain I know will come. I open my eyes and see him studying me, "But I trust you, Carlisle."
He gives a weak smile as if he's in pain, as if my presence hurts him. In his eyes I can see a thousand words he wishes to share but is too smart to do so. He knows one wrong word will send me going on a downward spiral of some sort. He knows one wrong move and I'll crumble. He walks up to me slowly and with his fingertips he takes hold of my arm and my body in some odd manner. I tense up slightly-half because I know what he will do and half because of his closeness that makes my mind swim with memories-my breathing gets heavy but he softly asks, "How's Charlie?"
Sadness fills my heart as his face fills my brain completely, "...Charlie."
Pop.
My arm feels as if it's been ripped apart from my body and the pain that takes hold of my it is unimaginable and so sudden that a blood curling scream escapes my throat before I can surpress it. A choked out sob follows and then another but Carlisle is there with his cold touch to sooth the harshness of what has just happened. James, it reminds me of the bite. It's that kind of pain and helplessness I am drenched in. I lean my head against him and he holds me up to stop me from falling down. I'm weak with pain and I wonder if Jacob will come running in here to see what the matter was.
"I'm sorry, Bella," he sighs.
"I-It's okay,"I whisper, my eyes squeezed shut, my good arm clinging to his lab coat. I take in deep breaths and it's the wrong thing to do because I lose my control again. I'm reminded of the day in school when we had to check our blood type and I was faint and Edward carried me to the nurse. The one day before I had known but had suspected that I loved him. So close he is, so close that we're touching.
"No."
I look up quickly and Carlisle's eyes are closed as tight as mine and he's facing the door that his locked and closed. I pull apart from him and am back to myself. I'm a married woman now. I'm with Jacob. I picked my sun over my night. I made the right choice. But I can't help but to wonder what Carlisle said "no" to. Was someone waiting on the other side of that door? I look back at him, "What is it?"
"I don't like the way those bruises look," he's walking away from me and flipping through the cabinets and drawers, "Is everything alright?"
"Yes, everything is fine," I answer quickly.
He finds a brace and walks to me. Slowly, as if I were bird with a broken wing, he fits my arm into it. The weight on my shoulder is taken off and I feel so much better than I had before. He smiles softly as he admires his work, as if he already knows the pain he has lifted. He looks into my eyes and I'm reminded of the way Charlie had looked at me the last time I saw him. Two months ago I visited him and Jacob called my cell phone twenty times but I left it in the rabbit and he called Charlie's house phone but we were too busy talking that we didn't hear it. Jacob came there, running, and demanded my attention and we fought on the front lawn but I said we'll talk about it home. I looked at Charlie and I said goodbye and he nodded, giving me the same look Carlisle is giving me now. He smiles and says, "You need to avoid any physical activity and lifting of heavy objects. Ice is welcomed but not necessary and I'll give you a presription for some pain medicine that should fix you right up."
I nod my head and smile, "Thanks."
He grabs his little blue notebook and begins to write "Bella Swan" but I stop him.
"It's Black," I say, keeping my eyes on the book.
His hand has paused in midair as if paralyzed by Jane or some other Volturi. I look up to his face but it is a mask, "Right." He rips that paper away and throws it into the garbage can, each action completed with the care that gives nothing and everything away. He continues to write, as if hurt,"When was the wedding?"
"You were invited," I say quickly. A sudden panic fills me. I made then an invitation and sent it in the mail. He and Esme and Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Rosalie were invited although I was sure only Carlisle and Esme would come. It broke my heart that they didn't but I put on a brave face. I enjoyed my wedding.
He rips out the paper and hands it to me, looking away as he puts the notepad on the counter, "Must have been a mix up in the mail."
"Must have," I repeat, keeping my eyes on him, trying to figure things out that are beyond me.
He looks to me and says, "You're free to go now. There will, of course be no charge."
"Wait...I wanted to talk to you," I say, although I'm already living on borrowed time. "How is everyone? How's Esme?"
He looks down briefly and for the smallest of seconds he appears as though he may cry. My heart completely shatters but he puts on the mask again, "Fine. Everyone is just fine. I hope to see you under brighter circumstances."
This is the goodbye. He ushers me to the door and unlocks it. But I don't want to go. I nod my head, "Hopefully."
He opens the door for me and holds it so that I can exit in front of him, "You go home and rest. Doctor's orders."
I smile but it's not real, just like his, "Sure thing."
I take a step into the hall but I catch an oder of something I long to smell. I look down the hall and feel my heart almost rupture as hair, copper unkept hair, above the crowd is burned into my sight. Carlisle blocks the view and points to the exit, "Goodbye, Bella."
My eyes go straight to the floor as if I'm a child that has stumbled upon Christmas presents, "Goodbye, Carlisle."
And I walk back to the Rabbit and the Wolf.