It had been another month before he finally got to go home. He hadn't said a word since surprising everyone by saying that he wanted Finn. No one could get an answer from him, not even Blaine. Everyone had tried to get him to talk, but nobody was able to. So they decided to just keep talking like normal until he could talk again. But, even though they had come up with that plan, they still worried that his grief was going to take him down a dark road.
Blaine wheeled Kurt inside their apartment, Burt and Carole, Rachel and Jesse following right behind them. Blaine stopped in the middle of the room and set the bags on the couch. He looked at Kurt who was just looking down into his lap. He rubbed his hands on his jeans nervously as he walked over to his husband. He didn't know why he was so nervous, he had never been this nervous around Kurt before. He never really had a reason to be this nervous around him.
He knelt down in front of him, trying to get Kurt to say something again, to maybe even look at him. His eyes were hopeful, his expression full of desperation.
"Hey. Do you want something to eat? You must be pretty hungry. I know you hate the hospital food, you always have." At first he didn't say anything at all. Blaine waited one more second before he stood up to go see if the others were hungry. No one wanted food so Blaine decided to make a good cup of coffee for everyone.
None of them wanted to leave. Rachel couldn't bring herself to. She knew that she was more Blaine and Kurt's daughter, and Kurt would've gotten upset if he heard her say that out loud. He was so grateful that he made sure Rachel knew that Elizabeth was her daughter too, no matter what. Kurt was the last person to see their daughter, he was the last connection to her for Rachel, and he is her best friend so naturally she won't leave his side until he says otherwise.
Everyone sat on the couch and on the chairs with the T.V running on some news channel that no one was watching. Kurt had moved his chair by the living room entrance and just sat there. He didn't watch the T.V, he didn't say anything at all. Blaine reached for the remote and turned it off. He walked over and decided to start a fire. A good calming fire would help the mood, he hoped.
Suddenly the door knocked and Blaine let Artie, Mercedes, Puck, Sam and Tina inside. He took their coats and they walked in a few feet. Rachel stood and walked over to hug each of them sniffling and hiccuping. Burt hugged Carole close thinking about their granddaughter. Mercedes slowly walked up to Kurt to see if he would say anything yet. She knelt down to see if he would look at her.
"Hey, Kurt. How are you feeling?" He didn't respond in any type of way. Her face had such a sorrowful look upon it that Sam stepped in.
"Mercedes, just give him some time." She reached out and grabbed his hand and they walked into the living room. Artie smiled at Kurt as he wheeled on by. He was so nervous that he accidentally bumped into Kurt's chair and Kurt let out a sharp hiss of pain. Blaine was immediately there by his side.
"Kurt are you okay?" He asked. Blaine hoped that when Kurt finally looked at him, he would see a bright smile at least, but instead he got a a cutthroat glare of physical and emotional pain along with slight self-incrimination. As if he had betrayed Blaine, and he knew right then; Kurt blamed himself for their daughters death. He knew then that Kurt was worse off than anyone thought, and it was going to be a very long road to recovery for them, even more so for Kurt.
Kurt wheeled away in silence, not looking at anyone or anything. Everyone watched the scene unfold and watched as Kurt left the room. They all stood there in shock of what they saw. The Glee club alumni felt heartache for their crestfallen friend. Mercedes silently cried for her best friend, Sam wrapping an arm around her. Tina and Artie just held hands in comfort. Jesse stood behind Rachel who wasn't crying, she was just standing there watching Kurt wheel himself away and then stared at the spot he just occupied. Burt and Carole looked at each other uneasily and Burt couldn't help but feel like he let his son down by not being able to bring him out of whatever dark place he was in.
Blaine just stood frozen in the same spot that Kurt had left him. He had never seen an expression like that on his face. It killed him to know that Kurt thought of himself as the reason why they again had no child. For the second time in his life he didn't know what to do.
With tears in his eyes and now two holes in his heart he turned around to look at everyone. He saw their faces and he suddenly felt as if he couldn't breath. The room seemed so much smaller than when they first moved in. All of a sudden he didn't care for the room. He needed to get out of there, but he didn't want anyone to think that something was wrong. He took a deep breath and decided that there wasn't anything he could do, for now.
"Does anyone need anymore coffee?" He asked. He waited about a second and then decided to go ahead and make a fresh pot anyway. He got to the kitchen and grabbed the pot from the dispenser and saw that there was still some hot steaming coffee in there. But, he needed the excuse to get away from everyone so he started to pour it out into the sink and didn't realize that he was pouring it too fast and some of it spilled onto his hand.
"AH!" He cried out quietly, and unsuccessfully. Carole was walking into the kitchen when she saw him.
"Here put it under cold water. I'll get a towel for your hand." She said walking towards him. She turned on the water and put his red, burning hand under the nice cool water. She reached around and opened a drawer and got a towel out and placed it on the counter next to her. After a few minutes they took his hand out and she wrapped it up in the towel.
"There. It'll sting a little while but, at least it's not burning anymore." She stood back and took a good look at Blaine. She didn't notice before that his eyes were droopy and there dark bags under them.
"Why don't I send everyone home for you, so you can get some rest. I'm sure Kurt would rather be home alone with his husband than with a bunch of us hovering around."
"Thank you Carole. I appreciate everything you're doing for us."
"Of course. Blaine, I know that Kurt needs you right now. I know that he is in a lot of pain and will need his husband whenever he's ready to talk but, you need the same thing. You lost a daughter too. That's what Burt and I are here for, and your friends. We're here because you both need support of family and friends. Blaine, you are a part of my family and I protect and help my family in any way that I can no matter what. Now Burt and I are staying at a hotel nearby for a about a week or so. If you need anything, you call us okay?" He nodded and took a deep breath.
"Okay, sweetie." She hugged Blaine and he hugged her back. They let the moment linger a little longer, not wanting to let go until she had to. She cupped his face just like any mother would and walked towards the living room. After a moment, Sam and the others came in and gave Blaine a hug and told him to call them if they needed anything else.
"I'll go with Rachel, make sure that she's ok. She doesn't blame you and Kurt, Blaine. Okay? Just make sure that you and Kurt know that. She's just grieving too." Mercedes smiled and gave him another hug and left. Blaine followed them out to the front door with Burt standing beside him. Burt turned and grabbed a hold of Blaine's shoulder as if to comfort a son.
"Keep an extra eye on him. I know you saw that expression on his face earlier. I've seen it before." Blaine looked at him confusingly.
"When his mother died, he went around believing that she left because of him. I think he thought that she left because she knew that he was different. He didn't really understand everything back then, but he knew that he was different, so he still blamed himself. He did the same thing with Finn. For days he didn't say word to any of us and just walked around like a zombie not really knowing how to be himself anymore. It's gonna take you, and everyone else to help remind him that he is not to blame for Elizabeth, and of who he is. It's gonna take a lot and it's gonna take a while, but he'll get there. Just don't do anything out of the ordinary. He'll start talking on his own, just bare with him. And when he does start talking, make sure that you're talking too. He's not the only one who has lost a daughter." By the time Burt was finished, they were both crying. Burt hugged him tightly.
He hugged him for the loss of their son, for the loss of his granddaughter, for the pain they were both going through, for the loss of Finn even. Things like this tended to make everyone think about Finn. How could they not. Especially when the only thing Kurt has said was that he wanted Finn. It brought back some memories for all of them. And with those memories came the pain of losing him, too. No one was really sure how to deal with that. They had been able to at least come to terms with Finn's passing and get to an 'ok' place about it. But, now they had to do the same thing all over again, and not just for Finn, but for Elizabeth.
They let go and gave each other a weak smile and Burt walked out the door. Blaine stood there for a second. He then walked into the living room which was quiet and still. He wasn't used to it being so calm. There were no toys strayed out across the floor, there were no songs being sung by so precious a voice, there was no little angel dancing in her favorite ballerina dress. It brought tears to his eyes when he thought about her dancing all around the house. Blaine turned and faced the kitchen and swore he could see Lizzy dancing her way into the kitchen and Kurt give her a small piece of whatever it was he was cooking for dinner. The memory made him smile and he could feel the tears cascading down his cheeks. He didn't move to wipe them away or to stop himself from crying, he just stood there, remembering and mourning for his daughter.
Blaine didn't see Kurt slowly wheel back into the hallway and into the foiyay to see Blaine standing and staring at the kitchen. He glanced inside to try to see whatever it was that he was looking at but saw nothing. Then suddenly he remembered all the fun times they had in that kitchen. He thought of the many times when he would play music for Lizzy to practice her ballet while he was cooking.
"You wanted to get onto her because she was always so full at dinner without eating half of her food." The surprise of his voice made Blaine jump slightly as he turned around to see Kurt looking at the kitchen. It touched him that they were thinking about the same memories.
"But, really she was full because I let her sneak some pieces of what I was cooking while she was practicing her ballet." Kurt let free a small teary smile. Blaine walked slowly over to Kurt and placed his hands on Kurt's knees.
"I know. I would stand at the doorway and watch. I always thought of how I could have been so lucky to have everything that I ever wanted." Blaine smiled lovingly at the memory. But, Kurt's smiled faded quickly.
"Something I took away from you." He said bitterly as he began to wheel away from Blaine. Blaine stood quickly and walked towards the hallway.
"From us. And you didn't take her away from us. That bastard who was drinking and driving did! He also had so many drugs in his system that it killed him too!" Kurt stopped when Blaine moved to stand in front of him blocking his way into the bedroom.
"You're not the only one who lost a daughter, Kurt. We lost a daughter. We both lost her. You can't blame yourself for something that you had no control of."
"You're right. I didn't have control. I should've swerved out of the way. I could've took a different road, I could've just called a taxi! Either way she's gone because of me, she's dead because of me!"
"Baby no she's not! You are not to blame for this. No one could've missed that truck unscathed. They said that they were lucky enough to have saved you. And I am eternally grateful to at least have my husband who I wish I can grieve for our daughter with." That last sentence made Kurt look at Blaine a different way. He didn't realize that Blaine was hurting so much. 'Why wouldn't he be, stupid?! He lost his daughter too! He needs you just as much as you need him, you just can't admit it', Kurt thought to himself.
Kurt was unsure of how he really felt. He knew that he felt responsible for their daughters death. He also felt that no one should forgive him, which he secretly, deep down hoped that they would forgive him. What he was failing to realize though, was that there was nothing to forgive. But, he still believed that he didn't deserve their forgiveness, especially Blaine and Rachel's.
Rachel.
Her daughter had been snatched away from her too. He couldn't imagine what was going in her head. He couldn't imagine how she was feeling. Her best friend was responsible for her daughter's death. He wondered if she still cared about him. He wondered if she was even worried about him. A part of him knew that she was, no doubt. That part of him thought that it was foolish he thought that she wouldn't worry or care about him. There was no way he would forgive himself if Rachel and Blaine didn't.
Kurt let Blaine help into bed that night to try and rest. He wasn't sure that he would be able to sleep but, he had to try. If he didn't at least try, Blaine and his dad would bug him about it and make plans to ensure that he would sleep. Plus, he was just so darn tired, mentally and physically tired. Not to mention the pain medicine he was on was starting to wear off. He didn't want to tell Blaine though. He wasn't sure why.
So there he laid, thinking about the entire world. How it didn't recognize that his daughter was dead. Thinking about how no one blamed him for her death when he blamed himself. It was going to take a while to heal from this, and take even longer to get over the death of his daughter.
He knew that it would take a lot for them to get back to the way they were. They were all going to need each other during this time. They all had lost Elizabeth, and it was going to take a lot more than song to help them heal.