Hi, hi, hi! Hello wonderful people, I know it's been a while but certainly not as long as it was before! Another update of My Little Soldier is coming soon, I promise, but for now please enjoy our two favorite idiots dealing with a baby who is too much like Four.

Wow, it feels kinda sorta weird writing like that BUT ANYWAY...

Thank you for the 25 reviews I got for the first chapter of this story. They are much, much, much appreciated and I love each and everyone of you guys for them.

A few questions I need to answer. To GRACE,the guest reviewer. First off, thank you for the review! It really warmed my heart and that is a hard thing to do, since I don't have one. Haha, just kidding. To answer your question about what happens to the baby: That story isn't anywhere near over. These oneshots take place before, throughout, and maybe even after that story. In the last one Theo was, say, quite young. Maybe around three months. So, the oneshot was months before My Little Soldier. Same with the initiates. There is still more to come!

Also, TRISSYPOO, I just wanted to say thank you thank you thank you for the review. I am a big fan of your fanfics so I may have gotten a teeny weeny tad bit overly happy at your review. SO THANKS CHICKITA! I know I spelled that wrong..

Anyway, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I have as much a right to owning Divergent as Zeke does to owning some maturity.

"Tomatoes and Pads and Babies, Oh My"

"Tobias, you need a list."

"Tris, seriously, I'll remember."

"You need a list."

"No, I don't. I - ," Tobias grabbed Tris's face between his two rough hands, slightly squishing her, and held it firmly. "I. Do. Not. Need. A. List." he said slowly and loudly, cooing as if he was talking to Theo.

"What did I ask for then?"

Tobias kept his hands placed tightly on both sides of Tris's face, tilting his head sideways as he answered.

"Baby bottles, a pacifier, diapers, apples, diapers, eh... diapers.. and..uh...some, eh.. - ,"

Tris rolled her eyes as she shook her face from Tobias's grasp.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go write you a list, Hotshot." Tobias watched Tris walk past him and into the living room, watched the slight sway of her hips as she bent down and scooped Theo into her arms. Tobias did a quick double take, glancing down at the spot near his feet where a now abandoned fire truck lay. His eyes widened when he looked back up to where Tris had picked him up, a good ten feet away from him. His head slightly tilted as he looked at the baby in Tris's arms.

"How - ?"

"I told you he's fast," Tris smirked as she handed Tobias a squirming Theo and proceeded to write the list.

"Are you sure you and Zeke will be fine with him? I can tell Christina that we can go shopping some other time, or we could all go together, or - ,"

"Tris, seriously, he's my son. I'm not gonna to kill him." He let out a maniacal cackle and lifted his baby above his head. "Yet." he growled playfully, bringing him close and blowing on his little stomach. Theo let out a fit of giggles and his swinging feet caught his father below the chin.

Tris laughed, "That's what you get for making death threats to your son, genius."

Tobias brought his boy to eye level and stared him dead in the eyes. The sight was quite comical, a man well over six feet holding a baby equivalent to the size of a small stuffed toy, his legs kicking to and fro in the air. Both had dead set serious expressions on their faces.

"You know I'm kidding, don't you baby boy? Daddy would never hurt you. Never ever ever ever." He swung his arm under Theo and propped him up in his arms, planting a kiss on Theo's head as the baby patted his father's face in agreement.

Tris let out a small 'aww' before bringing all three of them back to reality. "Honestly, Tobias, I'm more worried about you and Zeke than Theo," she chuckled as she set the pen down and made her way to her two boys – the now half asleep one who was now grabbing his father's shirt, and the tall and muscular one, staring at her in wounded disbelief.

"What -,"

Tris gently lifted her hand and grazed the fading bruise on Tobias's face, smirking slightly as he sucked in a breath. She shook her head and laughed, returning to the list as a knock sounded through the homely apartment.

"Four, sweetie, Zekey's here!" an ear – piercingly, annoying voice wafted through the door. Tobias cringed slightly, wondering how Zeke's low voice could ever possibly get that high and why he would even attempt to make such a noise anyways.

The jostling movement of his father and the unwelcome noise jolted Theo awake and Tobias's eyes widened as he saw the little baby's nose scrunch up and eyes fill with tears. He hurriedly slammed the door open and shot a glare at Zeke before bobbing his son up and down and cooing comforting nonsense into his ear.

"What happened?" Tris's voice called from the kitchen. Tobias and Zeke started to the kitchen, Zeke puffing out his cheeks and pulling at his ears in an attempt to make Theo laugh.

"He saw Zeke's face, what else?" Tris's snort turned into a full blown laugh as Zeke, currently preoccupied with making a fool of himself for Theo's sake, ran right into the wall – Tobias walking swiftly through the doorway. At the sight of Zeke in a crumpled heap, Theo's chime like laughter filled the room. Somehow, it always ended this way – one of them on the ground at the amusement of a certain baby and in pain, and the other, shamelessly holding said baby with panicked eyes. Tobias looked up slowly as Tris looked at the two men, her hands resting lightly on her hips, and set Theo into his high chair. She eyed her husband with a smirk and raised her eyebrows at him.

"This is exactly what I am talking about, Genius."

Tobias bowed his head sheepishly before snatching the small shopping list and backing up out the doorway, his hands held up, palms outward, in surrender.

"Come on, idiot. Get up." he mumbled while passing Zeke, delivering a sharp kick to the ribs. Once the front door was closed the two let out a simultaneous, deep breath and looked at each other with exasperated smiles. They were about to start off down the hallway when Zeke pulled Four back by the collar, a shamed expression on his usually smiling face.

"We forgot the baby."

Four's eyebrows shot to his hairline as he eyed the door.

He gulped.

"Right."

TIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB

After a rather embarrassing baby retrieval and watching Tris nearly collapse from laughter, the ego-bruised party made their way down to the Dauntless Grocery Store. Both were practically foreigners to this part of the Compound, seeing that Tris and Shauna normally did the shopping and the fact that Four and Zeke were perfectly content on living off the cafeteria food.

"Okay," Four muttered, gently placing a flopping Theo into a cart and strapping him firmly in. "Baby safety, check." Theo giggled as his father pecked his head and gave it a small pat. "Don't you dare move a muscle, baby boy." he smiled slightly – the smile he saved only for his son and wife.

They quietly strolled along the aisles, Four pushing the cart and Zeke pacing a few feet ahead, making random comments about what was on sale and what looked good. Honestly, to anyone not knowing who the two were, the little trio looked strangely enough like a little family. The way that the man pushing the cart would smile lovingly at the child and then glance to his "partner" every few seconds was kind of heartwarming. Aside from the fact that what was really happening was far from that. Four kept his gaze locked on the small baby who just so happened to be prone to wanting to touch everything – and his best friend – who always seemed to fall victim to a wall or, quite frankly, Theo. This being said, Theo managed to somehow grab ahold of a small toy from a stand while heaps upon heaps of baby diapers were being piled into the cart. A very small toy – yes – but hard, none the less.

"Theo, Four said softly, cautiously eyeing the mischievous twinkle in his son's eyes. The very twinkle that often had him covering his precious parts and disarming his son of any harmful items. "What do you got there, buddy?" Theo's small lips, identical to Tris's, formed into a smile as short bursts of babyish giggles filled the aisle. His pudgy hands clapped against the cart handle and Four couldn't help but cringe when he heard a slight clanging noise. He gently grabbed his son's hand and slowly flipped it over, revealing a small, metal car.

"Theo. Give that to Daddy." Four tried to say sternly, avoiding the baby's big blue eyes at all costs. He could hear Tris's sarcastic voice in the back of his head, 'Stay strong, love. You got this.' Everyone had already joked that if they ended up having another baby – a daughter – Four would be absolutely screwed. He couldn't even say no to Theo and he couldn't even talk yet.

Theo's wide smile turned into a pout, his eyebrows furrowing in the same fashion his father's were now.

"Theo, come on baby boy. That's not yours. It could have germs." Four tried to pry the car from the baby's persistent grasp without hurting him. "Theodore James Eaton," he whispered in a hushed tone. "Why on earth do you have such a tight grip? You. Are. A. Baby." In was obvious to any onlookers who was winning this battle, and it wasn't the Dauntless prodigy.

During the slight engagement occurring between father and son, Zeke rounded the corner, carrying what seemed to be a life's supply of diapers – only they weren't diapers. Ever the intuitive genius, the idiot had looked at the pictures instead of the actual item's name and unknowingly grabbed three or four stacks of pads. Yes. Pads. The pile rose just above head level in such a fashion that he had to crane his neck around the packages just to see. With his view being obstructed, it was easy to miss the awkward stares he was receiving, and easy to miss the situation going on with his best friend and godson.

"Yoowhoo! Look what I got!" Zeke paused in mid step when he was met with two frowning faces – so similar to each other, in fact, that he had to do a double take. The duo's eyes were almost an alarming shade of black with frustration and their mouths both formed the similar, tell tale Eaton pout. Even with Tris's mouth Theo could still pull that sucker off.

"What did I do?" Zeke asked incredulously, taking two misguided steps backwards. Never had a baby's stare seemed so menacing, so lethal – something Theo did indeed inherit from his father. As Zeke backed up, unknowingly into a wall of soup cans, Theo drew back his arm, car pinched firmly between his fingertips, and let the toy soar through the air with uncanny aim.

Right.

At.

Zeke's.

Face.

The poor idiot let out a girlish shriek and dropped the stack of feminine products he had been clutching so tightly, and proceeded to use his hands in an attempt to protect his face – all the while stepping into a pyramid like structure of cans. They went everywhere. Under his feet, down the aisle, mixing with the pads that lay strewn across the floor. Zeke fell in a heap on the tile – Always Nighttime maxi pads and Stoney's Homemade Tomato Soup in a swirling mess around him.

Four was on the floor too – in a completely different mess – lying on his back clutching his burning sides with a fury and sounding like a chipmunk with a severely punctured lung. His face had flushed red and his cheeks puffed as he gasped for breath. Tears were forming in his eyes and he propped himself up on his elbows, in an attempt to recover, only to fall back down and shake with laughter again after catching a glance at Zeke's dazed face.

Theo kicked his legs happily and clapped his hands together, somehow managing to look completely innocent in everything. He watched his father roll around on the floor in an odd way, but hey, it was funny. Baby like squeals filled the air and his eyes sparkled as his father reached up from his peculiar position on the ground to tickle his tiny feet. It was then Four realized that he had forgotten Theo's shoes.

This day was just bound to end up like this from the start. He lay there, in a failing attempt to catch his breath, just staring at the ceiling and tickling Theo's swiveling feet and praying shamelessly that the footsteps he was hearing weren't Tris or anyone female for that matter and wondering how the hell they were getting outta this one. Because, lets face it, they were two unconventional idiots and only had the slightest inkling of what had just happened, knowing that somehow, in the back of their minds, Theo had a start in all this and that they were just caught in the crossfire, and because they could never, ever, in a million years, even if they wanted too, even if they really, really wanted too, heck even if they had to – blame the baby.

A grunt came from above. "What happened?"

Blame the baby? Dammit Tobias, you can't fucking blame a baby!

"It was the baby," Four groaned in a whiny manor, the way an older sibling might blame the younger one. He looked up sheepishly and nearly fell back down in relief when he saw who it was.

"Uri," he sighed. "Thank God."

"Uh, I don't know what," he gestured around, swinging his arms widely, "is happening, but you have about ten seconds before Mar and Shauna round the corner so if you have any intention of Tris not cutting your balls off tonight, I would make a run for it. Now."

Four was up, baby in arms, in a matter of milliseconds – Zeke trying his best to make haste in his – er – situation.

"But the mess – and I still need diapers!" Uriah inwardly chuckled at the sputtering macho mess of a man in front of him. Never would he have thought that Four – emotionless, like a rock, authoritative Four – would be worried about a girl finding out a trip to the store for diapers turned into a Zeke vs. Soup Can/Feminine Necessities match at the hands of a baby. A baby, that Uriah had come to respect greatly for what he was capable of – namely making to grown men seem like broken idiots. He smiled to himself deviously. This was definitely the leverage he had been praying for - ,

"Uriah, what the hell are you smiling like that for? It's freaky."

Uri's head snapped up. "I'll take care of the list," he said, grabbing the crumpled paper from a stone stunned Four and shoving him along. "And all this.." he continued hesitantly and wearily, staring at the growing puddle of soup and, uh, stuff. Four visibly sagged in relief, ready to kiss Uriah if that's what he wanted.

"I owe you one, man," he thanked, holding Theo against his chest like the baby was propped on a chair, his back against his father's chest.

"Oh, you owe me everything," he said with a malicious glint in his eye as the two took ff down the aisle – running as if their asses were on fire. Uriah turned at the sound of the girls, faltering smile on his face. Their eyes landed on the small toy car, sitting delicately in the middle of a giant tomato soup puddle.

"What the hell?!"

TIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB

Four's face was beet red and Zeke's nose sported a small cut that was already mending into a scar – that one would have a mighty fine story to go with it, once everything had mulled over – by the time they had reached the apartment. Four swung Theo on his hip and held the sleeping baby tightly, wondering how on earth the culprit in the matter was this sleeping. He leaned his head slightly on his son's as he let out a big yawn, trying to blink the sleep from his eyes – a yawn Tris always claimed made him look like the cutest little thing on earth. Theo followed suit, releasing a small sound along with his yawn that was pure adorable. Zeke smiled tiredly and silently 'awwed.' It was a nicer shared physical feature between the two than, say, the glare. They both looked at him with slightly furrowed eyebrows, tilting their heads to the side.

"Seriously guys, it was cute at first but now it's gettin' creepy." Four and Theo looked at each other and Four let out a bark of laughter that Theo just shrugged off – fully intent on going back to sleep.

"Four? Is that you?" Tris's voice came from the kitchen. The two men followed the sound and the more overpowering smell of food, letting their noses lead them to their hearts' desires.

Four smiled. Tris was in mid-laugh, clutching the counter top with one hand and a wooden spoon with the other, her long hair swinging back and forth. Christina gave a small wave and he shot her a fleeting grin.

Tris glanced up. "You got the groceries?"

Four blanked, his eyes widening.

"Oh and Eric stopped by," she said with a frown. "Apparently there was a huge mess in the Grocery Store and he wants you to take a look at the cameras so they can scare up whoever did it. I don't know why he just doesn't do it himself though," Tris trailed off, turning back to the stove with a small pout.

Four stood frozen as Zeke just waved them off, heading to the fridge while dragging his feet.

"Where's the beer?"

Half of his tomato soup dyed body practically dove into the fridge as he grabbed a couple of the cold bottles and looked around innocently at all the wide-eyed stares he was getting. It wouldn't have been the first time, today.

Tris's mouth was hanging open, Christina looked like her eyes were gonna pop out, and a guiltty looking Four was slowly but steadily backing out of the kitchen, cringing slightly with each step.

"Zeke. Why is there a dirty pad on your back?" Chris grimaced.

His eyebrows shot up, dropping the beers on the counter and spinning around frantically, screaming loudly with his eyes squeezed shut.

"GET IT OFF!"

Thanks for reading! I hoped you like it. BY THE WAY, the "dirty pad" was just a pad that got the tomato soup on it. But Zeke doesn't know that. Yet. Anyway, if you guys have any ideas of what scenarios to put them in, let me know! Please review! I REALLY LIKE THAT.