Anastasia
Pain. That's the only thing I feel, the only thing I felt, for months, with and without him.
I know agreeing to do this with him was a little unorthodox, but just because he has a red room of pain and likes it rough, that didn't stop me. It should've, but it didn't.
Surprisingly, it was all very pleasurable, even his punishments were hot. I found myself breaking his rules just to be punished. He never punished me harder than I could take, and it was only ever on my ass or many, many orgasms. I never used a safe-word because he never hurt me beyond that breaking point. I know he could've done much worse, and was probably accustomed to using a heavy hand when punishing, but he was gentle with me. He took it slow with me. And I enjoyed myself.
Which also made me fear he would soon tire of this arrangement and end us.
I knew, in this very wrong situation, that I would be the one getting hurt. But the forbidden fruit was too much, I couldn't say no, it was the only way to be with him.
He assured me that I had a way out anytime I wanted this to stop, but the thing is, I never wanted him to stop.
And now... it's all over.
I never planned on falling for him, it just happened.
At first I thought I could ignore it, but my feelings were too strong to fight it. I thought about telling him so many times, but I knew he would end us. He said before that he ended relationships with others for that very reason. After I found out I was pregnant, I thought if he accepted the news, I could tell him and we'd live happily ever after.
He quickly put a stop to those plans when he freaked out. He only wanted me, not our baby, and that wasn't okay with me. I loved him, I wanted to be with him, but I wasn't going to put him above our unborn baby who needed at least one of us. I had to be strong, I had to leave, and so I did.
Knowing I would forever be in his life did little to ease the ach in my heart. I thought he would come around, that he was just in shock, much like I was, but when I sent him an email halfway through my pregnancy to tell him about it and he basically ignored me, I knew it was over. He never responded, not even to tell me to stop. I guess he meant it when he said if I left there was no coming back.
Since then, I've pretty much accepted he isn't going to be involved in our lives.
I've told everyone the truth. Well, almost. I said I met a guy and we obviously had sex. I didn't want to tell them that he bolted, ran like most guys do, as soon as I told him I was pregnant... I was ashamed. My parents, and especially Kate, were shocked that I was involved with someone at all and didn't say anything. But I told them he likes his privacy and I wanted to keep him a secret. Kate is convinced the guy is married.
I'm due in two weeks and tonight I have the place to myself. Kate went to Chicago to go to a conference for the Seattle Times and she's due to come back in two days.
With nothing to do and no one home, I'm binge watching Netflix, some show called The Fall, and eating ice cream and pop corn. My little bear loves vanilla ice cream. I know I shouldn't watch these shows where the main character looks like Christian's long lost twin with a beard and does nothing but remind me of him, but I can't help it.
The Braxton-hicks contractions I've been having all week are a welcome change from the pain I still hold in my heart for him.
As I sit with my legs tucked under me, I place my ice cream bowl on the table since I'm finished and then sit back to continue eating my popcorn that is now resting right on top of my protruding belly. I feel like a pig, I'm constantly eating and it's all going to my little bear. I try to eat healthy, but occasionally, like tonight, I like to indulge.
I'm in my pajamas, which do very little to cover up the fact that I'm pregnant, because I couldn't afford a bunch of maternity clothes; both for work and for comfort. Work being more important since I planned on working until I delivered so I could take more time off after little bear was born, that trumped comfy clothes. Not to mention I can no longer borrow anything from Kate since nothing of hers will fit me anymore.
When season 3 is over, I get up to put my dishes in the sink and clean up, but as I do, a contraction tightens my belly.
I breathe through it, like my doctor suggested.
Knowing it's a practice contraction, since I'm not due for 2 more weeks, I'm not too worried about it. But when another one comes soon after I start to freak out a bit.
I know I could go into labor now, it is possible for little bear to come early, but I have nobody to take me to the hospital.
Ana, why are you over thinking this, it's just Braxton-hicks contractions, it's not the real thing.
When another contraction comes, I pick up my phone and call my dad. He's hours away, but I need my daddy.
"Hello?"
"Hey, daddy." I smile.
"Hey, baby girl."
"Dad, I think... I don't know for sure, but I think I might be going into labor soon."
"What?!"
"Dad, calm down," I giggle, imagining him jumping up from his chair. "It's still early, but my contractions... the Braxton-hicks the doctor said were practice contractions, they're coming more often. Maybe they're not practice contractions, maybe these are real contractions and the baby will come early?"
"Annie, don't do that to your old man, I thought you were in full blown labor."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to, I just wanted to, I don't know, tell someone. I got a little excited."
"Do you want me to come through?"
"No," I tell him since it's getting late. "The baby wont come for some time, I was just thinking... probably more like hoping, little bear would come sooner."
"Why don't you relax, take a bath or lay down with a book. If these contracts continue, call me and I'll come right over."
"Okay. Thanks. I haven't had any while talking to you so maybe they've stopped."
I continue talking to my dad and reassure him that I will call if I get anymore contractions and I think I'm going into labor. He knows Kate is not home and I wouldn't have anyone to take me.
After talking to him, I decide to call it a night and go to bed.
Laying down, the contractions start again. I'm not really tired so I lay with my shirt up, just under my boobs, and watch my baby move and my belly tighten. They're not unbearable but I still have to breathe through them. And it's really interesting to watch.
Soon they come stronger and last longer.
My heart is beating like crazy and I'm thinking this is it. Maybe I should call my dad to come over, just in case.
I grab my phone and call him back, but it goes to his voicemail.
Now I'm really freaking out. The contractions don't seem to be letting up this time and my dad, my only ride who is hours away, is not answering his phone.
Maybe I should just call a taxi.
As I scroll through my phone, I see the number I haven't used in months. I've tried to delete it time and time again, but all I did was keep my finger hovered over the delete button, never actually deleting it. I've memorized the number so it would be useless to delete it. I guess if I deleted it, I wouldn't have to see his name in my contacts list every time I looked for someone's number, and it doesn't help that he's listed at the top with the Cs, but I couldn't bring myself to delete it permanently.
I feel like I should tell him. He has the right to know, he is the father of my little bear.
Would he even want to know?
There's only one way to find out.
Another contraction comes through, giving me the final push I need to connect to call.
Putting the phone to my ear, I listen as it rings and rings.
I half expected him to answer right away, because when we were together he would. The other half expected him to ignore my incoming call, having it go straight to voicemail instead.
When he doesn't answer, and I eventually get his voicemail, sadness washes over me. He meant very word. If I walked out, there was no turning back.
I decide to try again. We need to talk about this whether he wants to or not.
But again, no answer.
Looking at the clock on my side table, I see that it's only 7:34. It's not too late and I know he's not much of a sleeper. He could be working late.
Deciding to give him one last chance to answer, I call again.
"Anastasia?" He finally answers and his voice still gives me butterflies.
"Christian," Another contraction hits and I wait for it to pass before I continue. "I'm in labor."
He doesn't say anything so I check the phone, to make sure the call is still connected, and it is.
Before I can say anything else, another contraction comes. I wait for it to pass before I continue.
"I need a ride to the hospital." I say instead of asking him what his intentions are now that our baby is about to be born.
"Kate isn't home and my dad isn't answering his phone." I explain my need for him.
He's still quiet, just listening to me speak.
"Please." I beg him.
"Yeah," He breathes, finally responding and sounding shocked. "yeah, I'll be right there."
"Really?" I ask, surprised, but he already ended the call.
I have my hospital bag packed and ready to go, one for me and one for the baby, so I get it out of my closet and take it into the living room where I'll wait for Christian.
Oh god, I'm going to see him again after months of not seeing him. Was this a good idea? I mean, we do need to talk and since we have a baby coming into this world soon, it would make sense to have this discussion as soon as possible. But the thought of seeing him again...
As I'm waiting for Christian my water breaks.
I'm really freaking out now, I'm alone and I'm waiting for my ex to pick me up. He said he wanted nothing to do with our baby, so what if he only said he would come just to get me off the phone and then doesn't come. What if I have my baby at home alone. What if-
The front door buzzer goes off, bringing me from my thoughts.
I'm both surprised and not that he made it here so quickly.
"I'll be right down." I say after I push the button to talk.
"Let me up."
Pushing the button to allow him access has my heart in my throat.
I waddle back to the sofa where I left my hospital bags and grab them.
Knocking on my door, more like pounding like a police invasion, I know Christian must've ran up the stairs instead of using the elevator.
"I'm coming." I try to yell but it comes out as a squeak when another contraction hits me.
This is it, once I open this door, I'll see him. The man who has been haunting my dreams since the day we ended our relationship.
"Anastasia, open the door!" He commands from the other side.
With every once of strength I have, I turn the knob and pull it open.
There he is. Christian Grey. The only man I've ever fallen in love with, though he doesn't know it.
"Ana." He breathes, his beautiful grey eyes on me then going straight to my protruding belly.
I pull my tank top down, trying to hide the fact that I am pregnant, but there is no hiding it.
As I look at him, really look at him, I realize how much I've missed him. He's just as beautiful as I remembered and I can see he is still in amazing shape, each well-defined muscle hiding under his T-shit. But as my eyes travel down, it feels as if I've crashed and burned. His jeans. I know those jeans. They are his Playroom jeans. Which means, he's moved on, forgotten all about me. I obviously didn't mean as much to him as he did to me.
He follows my eyes and sees that I notice what he is wearing.
"Ana-"
"Ah!" I fake a contraction, putting my hand on my stomach for good measure, to avoid the obvious bullshit he's going to string. I don't need to know and I don't need to hear it. We're over, have been for months, it only makes sense that he would move on. I just wonder how long after we ended did he actually move on.
Christian takes my bags and helps me lock up before leading me downstairs and to his R8.
I love this car, but-
"My water broke." I tell him. "We should take my car."
"My car is faster." He opens the passenger door for me, not bothered by the fact that I am leaking amniotic fluid.
"Okay, but don't kill me if we don't make it to the hospital and I end up giving birth in your car." I joke lamely.
He leans over and fastens my seatbelt for me, and I have to hold my breath because inhaling his woody, manly Christian scent is making my head spin. Remembering all the ways he would secure me in his Playroom and then have his wicked way with me... I wonder if we conceived our little bear in the Playroom during a scene or in his bed during one of our vanilla moments.
"I could care less about the car, Anastasia."
Once I'm in, and secure, he shuts the door and walks around to the driver's side.
The contractions aren't unbearable yet so I breathe through them just like I did at the Lamaze class I went to. Needing a partner, Kate joined me. A few people thought we were a lesbian couple and I was artificially inseminated. Kate got a kick out of it and went along, calling me pet names throughout the class. I was half horrified, half hysterical.
We're both quiet while he drives. Surprisingly, the silence isn't totally uncomfortable, given our current circumstance, but it is deafening. Only the slight hum of the engine can be heard, along with my heavy breathing when a contraction comes.
It's weird, us being together, alone in this confined space. It's just him and I, and our baby that is still inside of me. It's almost like we're a family. Almost.
Earlier I wanted to talk to him about the baby and his plans, now I don't even know what to say to him. And it appears he doesn't as well.
Risking a glance towards him, he looks to be deep in thought.
I wonder what he's thinking about.
Is he thinking about me? Is he thinking about our baby? Is he thinking he's ready to accept becoming a father? Or is he more worried about the submissive I know he left at his apartment?
He turns his attention to me for a split second before it's back on the road.
He opens his mouth, like he's about to break the silence, but my phone goes off interrupting him.
Seeing it's my dad, I answer.
"Hey-"
"Sorry I missed your call, kid, I'm on my way to your place. I decided after talking to you that since you were still having those whatchacallit contractions that it would be best if I just stayed with you until Katie returns home. If anything happens, I'll be right there instead of a few hours away. It's the weekend so I don't have to be a work until Monday. We could make it a weekend visit, if anything else."
"Um, actually, I called because they didn't stop. I'm on my way to the hospital now."
"Are you serious right now, Ana?"
"Yeah, I think this is it, they wont stop. I'll call you back once I get checked out."
"Alright, I'll head to the hospital instead of your place."
"Okay. See you soon."
"See ya soon," He repeats. "Love ya, kiddo."
"I love you, too."
Thankfully my dad didn't ask who my ride was. I wonder if Christian will still be at the hospital when my dad arrives.
After hanging up, Christian turns into the hospital parking lot.
As luck would have it, he finds a spot close to the entrance.
Getting out, he nearly glides to my side. I don't know why but I half expected him to drop me off at the door. There's your ride, I did my part, see ya later kind of thing.
Once he has my door opened, he gently helps me out and grabs my bags.
It feels a bit strange to have his arm around me, and that tingling sensation is still there, but I don't pull away.
Another contraction hits and I breathe through it as we walk into the hospital.
They have wheelchairs lined up for patient use, so Christian grabs one for me.
I've been here before, with Kate, taking a tour of the labor and delivery floor, so I know where to go and direct Christian.
It's weird having him push me around the hospital in a wheelchair, but when another contraction hits, I'm thankful. They are becoming stronger and more painful by the minute.
After passing all the hospitals security measures for the labor and delivery floor, Christian pushes me up to the information desk where I talk to a nurse.
She asks us to follow her as she comes from behind her desk.
Another contraction comes as Christian pushes my chair down the hall while he follows the nurse.
"I'm sorry, sir." She stops him. "Family and fathers only passed this point."
It's obvious she knows of Christian, because otherwise she wouldn't have stopped him. He is thé Christian Grey, known to be single with no history of having a girlfriend. But that doesn't mean he can't come back with me. My doctor said I could have whoever I wanted in the delivery room. I asked to make sure since I was planning on having Kate with me. It's almost like the nurse is daring him to say the words and I'm shocked to the core when he does.
"I am the father." He growls at her.
She looks just surprised as I do at him admitting it, but not nearly as surprised as the woman standing near the nurses station behind him.
"Christian?"
I've never met his family, but I know from photos that the lady standing nearby is his mother.
I guess he didn't tell anyone, not even his family, that he was going to be a father.
This can't be good.