Poison Ivy was surprised to hear a knock on her door. Putting down her watering can, she murmured, "I'll be right back, babies," and then left the greenhouse, shutting the door behind her. She walked down the hall to the front door and opened it.
Her surprise only grew when she saw who her unexpected visitor was. "Harvey?" she murmured.
"Pam," muttered Two-Face, nodding curtly at her. He looked uncomfortable – both of his faces twitched nervously and his hands fidgeted in his pockets, playing with his coin. "Can I come in?" he muttered.
"Sure," shrugged Ivy, opening the door wider. "Sit down," she said, gesturing to the green sofa in the living room. She sat down on the sofa opposite, folding her arms and looking at him suspiciously. "So to what do I owe the pleasure, Harv?" she asked. "I make a point never to stay in touch with my exes if I can avoid it."
"Believe me, I'd rather be almost anywhere else than here right now," growled Two-Face. "Including Arkham. This ain't a personal call, Pam. Strictly business."
"If our personal relationship didn't work out, I sincerely doubt we should think of establishing a business one," she retorted. "So thanks for the offer, Harvey, but no dice."
"It ain't a business offer," he growled. "I just want some info."
"In return for what?" she demanded.
"For Christ's sake, Pam, stop being so defensive!" growled Two-Face. "Why do you always have to be so difficult? It was this kinda crap that ruined whatever chance of happiness we had together! You always have to attack first, to be the strong one, to show everyone that you can take care of yourself, to prove you're not weak and vulnerable. It ain't attractive, Pammie!"
"This from a man with half a face," she muttered.
He stood up. "I'm leaving, and you can rot in hell, you bitch," he growled. "I don't even know why I'd bother warning you."
"Warning me about what?" demanded Ivy.
"Screw you!" snarled Two-Face, yanking open the front door. Ivy raced after him.
"Harvey!" she shouted. "Harvey, get back here!"
"I said screw you!" he shouted back, not turning around.
"At least give me a coin toss!" she shouted.
He whirled around, glaring at her in fury. But his hand dove into his pocket and emerged with his coin, with one good side and one bad. "Call it, Pammie," he muttered.
"Heads," she retorted.
He flipped the coin up into the air with his thumb. It landed on the back of his hand and he turned it over. Then he nodded. "Good call, bitch," he muttered. He reluctantly walked back to her, following her inside. Ivy shut the door and sat back down. Two-Face remained standing.
"So tell me. What warning?" she asked.
Two-Face began rummaging in his pockets again, pacing the room. "When's the last time you saw Harley Quinn?" he growled at last, turning to face her.
"What business is that of yours?" she snapped.
"Just answer the question. It's important," he retorted.
Ivy leaned back on the sofa. She tried to look and sound casual, but the question hurt her more deeply than she let on. "I dunno. Ever since she and Joker were reunited after splitting up for about the millionth time, I haven't heard from her. She doesn't speak to me when she's with him. She doesn't need friends with the clown Casanova around."
"So you haven't heard from her recently?" he demanded.
"No. Why?" she asked.
"I just thought you might have, that's all, being her best friend," he growled. "See, everyone else has."
"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled.
"Me, Crane, Tetch, Freeze, Nygma, Cobblepot, Kyle," he muttered. "Quinn's come to visit each one of us, just to catch up, a friendly chat, she calls it. But she's a real bad liar. She came on behalf of the clown, and the clown's planning something. Something that involves all of us. I don't like it. So I thought she might have come to talk to you, to tell you the truth, to confide in you, as best friends do. But you don't know what he's planning anymore than we do, do you?"
"No. I try to encourage Harley not to talk about Joker, if I can help it," she retorted. "It's the only way to break her out of this maddening cycle and her abusive relationship with him."
"Kinda funny that you think you can give people relationship advice," growled Two-Face. "Don't think you know much about relationships myself. No evidence that you do. You'd like Harley to be as bitter and twisted about men as you are? You want her to start seeking solace from plants, the way you do?"
"I'm not the one who twists her, Harv," growled Ivy. "I'm just trying to help her see her boyfriend for the scumbag he is."
Two-Face shrugged. "My advice would be don't try to wake a sleepwalker. They could fall and break their neck."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Ivy.
"It means sometimes people let the ones they care about believe the lies, because they know that's what keeps them going," he muttered. "Sometimes a lie matters more than the truth. Can't expect you to understand that, Pammie. You're as bad as the Bat."
"In what way?" she demanded.
"In that you have strong beliefs that can get you into trouble. Me, I let a coin decide everything," he murmured. "Life's a whole lot simpler that way."
"Perhaps I prefer not to be as mindless as you, Harv," she retorted. "Is that all you have to tell me?"
"Yeah. Sorry to bother you," he muttered. "But just a heads-up. If Quinn comes knocking, she's probably here to cause trouble. I wouldn't trust a word she said. Not that I need to tell you that, Pammie. You have enough trust issues as it is."
"Thanks, but I think I can handle Harley," retorted Ivy. "I do trust her, despite what you think. If Joker's planning something, she'll tell me the truth."
"Don't suppose you'd be inclined to pass it on?" asked Two-Face.
"That depends. What would you be willing to offer?" she asked.
"Well, my gratitude, not that that would matter to you," he retorted. "We can discuss prices when you have something worth selling. Until then, I'd rather not have to look at you. Nothing personal, it's just seeing you brings back the feeling of the knife in my back, the cold, steely blade of betrayal. I hope one day you know what that's like. And I hope whoever does it twists it in. You deserve nothing less. Goodbye, Pam."
"Harvey, wait," she said, catching his arm. "Look, I know you only came here for information, and your warning wasn't necessary, but…thanks anyway. You didn't have to tell me."
"It wasn't my choice," he retorted. "It was the coin, Pam."
"Yeah, I know," she replied. "But thanks."
Two-Face looked down at her. She looked up at him. And at that moment, the front door opened and Harley Quinn walked in.
"Hi Red, door was open so I thought I'd…" she began, but paused when she saw the two of them. "Oh, geez, sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything important…"
"You didn't, Harley," retorted Ivy, removing her hand from Two-Face's arm. "Harvey was just leaving."
"Yeah," agreed Two-Face, heading for the door. "Nice to see you again, Quinn. Give the clown my best."
"Will do!" she said, saluting as he left, shutting the door behind him. Harley turned to Ivy and grinned. "Well, Red, anything you want to tell me? You and Harvey thinking of reconciling?"
"Don't be silly, Harley," Ivy retorted, angrily. "There's absolutely no chance of that. I tried to kill him, for goodness sake."
Harley stared back at her blankly. "And?"
"And people don't usually reconcile after something like that," retorted Ivy.
"Aw, Red, that's a loada crap," retorted Harley. "Why, me and Mr. J have tried to kill each other more times than we can count! And you ain't never seen a more loving couple in the whole wide world!"
"Speaking of his eminence the Clown Prince, what are you doing here, Harley?" asked Ivy. "He kick you out again?"
"No, of course not," said Harley, puzzled. "Why would he do that?"
"I don't know, he's only done it about a thousand times before," retorted Ivy. "And that's usually the only time you come to see me. To tell me how much you love him, and how much he loves you really, and how much it hurts you to be away from him. And then I spend most of the week listening to you and supporting you and trying to prevent you from crying every five minutes, until gradually I think I'm making some progress into helping you function as a strong, independent, and capable woman, when suddenly Mr. J comes a-knockin', gives you some crap apology, which you buy, of course, even though he's pulled the same stunt countless times. You go running back to him with a brief 'Bye Red, see you soon!' Which I never do, until he kicks you out again and the cycle repeats itself. Honestly, if I didn't know better, Harley, I'd say you were just plain stupid."
"Aw, Red, don't be sore," said Harley, frowning. "I don't mean to ignore you. It's just Mr. J needs me a lot, y'know, almost constantly. He depends on me for so much, and I really can't afford to be absent from his side. Plus he doesn't like it. He likes to me to be to hand when he needs me."
"Yeah. So he can pet you or slap you, depending on his mood," muttered Ivy. "But you haven't answered my question, Harley. What are you doing here? I gather from Harvey that you've been paying visits to lots of our Arkham friends. Is this related?"
"Yeah…yeah, sort of," said Harley, suddenly looking uncomfortable. "See, the thing is, Red…the thing is, Mr. J has got a plan. It's a brilliant plan, a genuis plan, the kind only he could think up, because he's just so smart…"
"You can skip the gushing," interrupted Ivy.
"Well, this plan…see…it involves a lot of our Arkham friends. It's supposed to involve you, but…but I don't really want it to. But he insists it has to, and so I won't argue, but I just wanted you to know that…that whatever happens, it's nothing personal. Mr. J doesn't hate you. And you know how much you mean to me. You're my best friend, Red, and I love ya."
"What are you talking about, Harley?" asked Ivy. "Tell me plainly."
"I can't do that, Red," she replied. "Mr. J wouldn't want me spoiling the surprise. But you'll be ok, you have to believe that. You're not going to be hurt. It's all just a gag, a joke, you see?"
"No, I don't see," snapped Ivy. "And I would think, if our friendship means anything to you, Harley, that you could tell me the truth. What is Joker planning?"
"Look, Red, you don't understand my position," said Harley, quietly. "I can't tell you. Mr. J would be furious if he found out. I don't want that to happen. I'm afraid, see."
"You're afraid of him?" demanded Ivy. "Why? What's he done, Harley? Has he hit you?"
Harley looked at her, incredulous. "Well, yeah, but he always does that. No, I'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid for him. He ain't been right since the Bat's been ignoring him. He's been kinda crazy. I mean, he's always crazy, and I love him for it, but it's a different kind of crazy. I'm afraid he's in pain. I'm afraid he's really hurting. I don't want him to be in pain anymore. I'll do anything to stop it. So I'm helping him with his plan, even though I hate it. Even though almost everything in me tells me not to do it. My heart tells me I have to go through with it, for his sake. I love him, Red. Please try and understand that, whatever happens. And forgive me."
"Forgive you for what?" murmured Ivy.
"For this," she whispered. Before Ivy could react, Harley had whipped out her mallet and struck Ivy a blow to the head with it. She fell to the ground, her vision swimming and hazy. Through the shadows that danced around her eyes, she dimly saw Harley kneeling beside her, then straighten up as a man appeared next to her. A man clad in purple.
"Good work, Harley girl," he said, kissing her and taking the mallet from her hand. Then he bent down, and Ivy saw the smug, leering face of the Joker grinning at her. "Nighty night, Pammie," he whispered, raising the mallet again. Ivy was struck on the head again and lost consciousness.