Still don't own anything, etc…see the multitude of disclaimers in the first chapter, s'il vous plait :) And oh, geez, did my asteriks not come up in the last chapter?? I just noticed they didn't show up here...now I have to use 8's, lol. Sorry if that caused any confusion...maybe I'll try to go back and put them in...
Hikitsulover-818—Thank you for reviewing!! Glad someone else out there has our sense of humor, haha :)
Erid'Lor—Yay! Glad you liked it:) That is our goal in life…to make people fall off their seats, laughing. Of course, we don't want to cause any injuries, lol. And ohh…Bilbo, being the interesting character that he is…well, don't worry, he will make more appearances ;)
Later, Frodo came running into Bag End, shouting for his uncle. He only stopped when he was next to Gandalf. "Where's Bilbo?"
"He's…gone," Gandalf simply stated.
"To stay with the elves?"
"Maybe some dead elves," Gandalf muttered. "Yes!" he said loudly to Frodo. "He's left you this ring."
"What about Bag End?"
"Oh, it's mine," Gandalf stated.
"So all I get is a ring?"
"Looks like it." He put The Ring in an envelope and handed it to Frodo.
"Show everyone The Ring; it's safer that way."
"What?" Frodo asked.
"Keep it secret, keep it safe. Don't show anyone!" Gandalf sternly ordered, heading for the door.
"I don't understand!" Frodo cried, following him.
Gandalf turned back around to face Frodo. "Neither do I."
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Across a field Gandalf rode, urging his horse to go faster. As he was harshly jolted up and down, he scowled and thought, 'Next time I am in Imladris, I am stealing Asfaloth. Arwen does it al the time…' Suddenly, the mountain in the distance rumbled before spewing…a weak puff of smoke. "Well, that was anti-climatic," the wizard mumbled.
He arrived in Minas Tirith and sought the library. Throughout the remaining day and night he intently searched the yellowed, fragile scrolls. At last he found the accounts that told of the One Ring TM. With mild interest, he read the words of Sauron before falling asleep.
In the morning he awoke to find the scrolls a soppy mess from his gallon of drool. Hastily, Gandalf gathered the materials, shoved them in the dustiest corner, and took off for the Shire.
He arrived at Bag End in record time. With much drama he burst into Frodo's home. "Is it secret, is it safe?" he demanded with must gesturing and lifting of his eyebrows.
"Is that all you can say?" Under his breath, Frodo added, "Freak…"
"What was that?"
"Don't worry. I showed everyone in the Shire but Sam…I don't trust him."
Gandalf blinked. "Give it to me." Frodo shrugged and dug it out of him pocket.
"Hey, have you gone senile?" Frodo yelled when the old wizard threw it into the fire.
Gandalf smiled at he carefully pulled it out with a metal rod. "Hold out your hand, Frodo. It is quite cool. And if not, well, your lost and not mine."
Grudgingly, Frodo took The Ring. Gandalf asked excitedly, "What can you see?! Can you see anything?"
Squinting, Frodo said, "It reads: 'The One Ring. If found, return to Sauron on 614 Mordor Lane, 819160.' Should I mail it to him?"
"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Lightning bolts materialized and crackled in the background for effect. "You must never tell Sauron or his minions that you have it!"
"Geez. Freak out, why don't ya?" Frodo grumbled. "So what shall I do?"
"On my way here, I heard birds talking. They whispered of a dark meeting of Sauron's helpers…"
A gloomy room is seen with flashes of material, skin, and fire. A queer voice is heard. "Shire, Baggins!"
Gandalf cried, "The Nazgul will come for you! They have overtaken Fed Ex; they will be here at any moment!"
The scene cuts to a scared hobbit at the edge of his lane, a dark rider on a horse before him. From under the hood, a voice rasps, "Shire, Baggins."
Trembling, the hobbit pointed to the right. "If you're looking for a ring, Frodo Baggins has it in Hobbiton. That way!"
Cocking his head, the rider commented, "Ring? I was merely looking for a place to stay. This creature said they were hospitable. But this ring sounds interesting. I shall have to check it out."
Frodo gasped, getting scared. "Oh, no! You must take it!"
"You cannot offer me this Ring!"
"I must take it!" Frodo insisted. Gandalf nodded. Frodo realized his mistake and shouted, "No! I meant you must take it!"
"Too bad. It's yours now."
"But where shall I go?"
"Get out of the Shire!"
"Okay." Frodo thought. "I'll head to Mordor. The closer you are to danger, the farther you are from harm."
Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Sounds like something Pippin would say. Why don't you go to Bree instead?"
"Fine, but if anything--"
"Shush!"
"But--"
"I said SHUT UP! I hear a noise." Gandalf crept to the window.
"But I heard this great joke…you see, two Mandaloriens were in the woods…"
"I said SHUT THE BLEEP UP you STUPID BLEEP ! I hear a noise." Gandalf reached out the window and posed his staff like a sword. "Ah!"
"Ah!" Sam was wrenched into the house and onto the table.
Frodo sniffed. "What is that smell?"
"Sorry! Old and Ugly here scared me," Sam cried.
Gandalf wrinkled his nose. "Gross." Then he menacingly pointed his staff at Sam's throat. "Were you spying on us?"
"No! I didn't know you were even here! Honest!"
"Oh, really? Then why were you outside the kitchen window at this time?" Gandalf growled.
"Actually, I thought it was Mr. Frodo's bedroom window," Sam admitted.
"That's…creepy," Gandalf muttered.
"Really?" Frodo beamed at Sam. Eagerly he asked, "Are you going through a confusing time in your life, too?"
Sam looked a little scared. "Not anymore."
Frodo giggled. "Oh, Sam," he cooed in a…well, I'm sure you can hear it.
"Erm, yes….Anyhow…Samwise, you will accompany Frodo to Bree. I have to tend to a few matters first. So…have fun!" Gandalf waved cheerfully and rushed out of Bag End.
"Wait! I don't know the way!" Sam yelled, but the wizard was already gone.
"Oh, Sam," Frodo sighed. "We can find the way together."
Sam stared at Frodo in muted horror before scrambling away. "Uh, I'm going to get some stuff at home…"
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"If I take one more step, it will be the farthest from home I have ever been," Sam gravely declared.
"Oh, Sam…hey, wait." Frodo looked around, confused. "We're not even outside your gate yet."
"Oh…heh, heh. Yeah. I was just kidding." The two hobbits continued on their trek across the beautiful landscape of the Shire. They reached Farmer Maggot's garden and began to push their way through the towering stalks. Suddenly, none other than Meriadoc and Peregrin came barreling out of nowhere and crashed right into them.
"Oof!" they all cried as they collapsed into a heap. Conveniently, Frodo landed on top of Sam, who conveniently had a spasm which resulted in his foot conveniently connecting with Frodo's chest.
"Oh, Sam!" Frodo wheezed. They all froze when the sound of dogs and the farmer filled the air.
"Oh, no! Not again!" Merry cried. "Everybody rrrruuuuuunnnnn!!!" The four hobbits hauled butt out of the garden and into a wooded area that looked creepy enough to house some Nazguls. Merry abruptly stopped, standing before a steep drop, but Pippin slammed into him, then Sam and Frodo. They all tumbled down the mini-cliff, squealing.
"Mushrooms!" Pippin screeched once they landed. Everyone but Frodo stampeded to the two little mushrooms on the side of the road. Frodo looked around as the camera panned in on his face dramatically.
"I think we should get off the road," he breathed like the drama queen that he is. They paid him no mind. Either that, or they didn't hear him over their own breathing. "I SAID GET OFF THE FREAKING ROAD!"
About two miles from their location, Nazgul 2 perked up as Frodo's scream alerted him. "Sweet!" He reared up his pony and galloped toward the sound.
"Good job, Frodo!" Merry hissed as they ran for cover. "Now we have to hide in this very visible hole with a creepy spider that is about 1/18th the size of Shelob."
"Huh?"
"Shhh!" They all squeezed together and held their breath as the Nazgul stopped above them.
"Hey, Merry, this one time, at band camp--"
"Pippin, shut it! We'll get killed," Merry hissed in Pippin's ear.
"But…there were cookies, and--"
"If you don't shut up, I will rip off your arm and beat you to death with it," Merry threatened quietly. Nazgul the Second sniffed loudly by their heads.
Pippin pouted, oblivious to the danger. Then he brightened. "I can still eat carrots and mushrooms with one hand."
"Yeah, but you'll be dead."
"Why do you always ruin my good moods??"
Despite the obviousness of the hobbits' presence, Nazgul II decided to leave. He leaped onto his evil-looking horsie and sped away. The hobbits exhaled in unison and raced away to Buckleberry Ferry.
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Meanwhile, in the elvish land of Mirkwood, King Thranduil had a dilemma on his hands. The creature Gollum had escaped. Thranduil would have searched better, but he had enough trouble, damn it, and he didn't have a special ring to help when he felt lazy, and Galadriel and Elrond never bothered to help. Just thinking about it made his immortal blood boil. But not enough for his face to become an unseemly color.
"Stupid half-breed and his stupid mother-in-law. Stupid Celeborn for always being forgotten and shoved aside due to his wife," Thranduil grumbled.
So, he decided to make Gollum's escape Elrond's problem. However, someone had to deliver the message to Imladris. He told elves to spread the word, and word returned to him that his son Legolas wanted to take the job.
Thranduil looked to the door as Legolas entered, head high and feet gliding across the floor in the graceful manner of elves. Thus began the showdown. Finally, Legolas pouted and stomped his foot in a manner that happened to be unbecoming of a grown, elvish prince. Only those with death wishes would have pointed that out to him at the moment.
"Ada, I'm going whether you like it or not!"
"Legolas, my son, the outside world is a dangerous place…we've been over this," Thranduil gritted through his teeth.
"But, Ada! It is dangerous for me here!" Legolas exclaimed.
Thoroughly puzzled, Thranduil asked, "We protect you from orcs and spiders, do we not?"
"Orcs and spiders? Please!" Legolas scoffed.
"Then what?"
"You, of course," Legolas replied in a matter-of-fact voice.
"Me?" Thranduil was bewildered. "Why, Legolas, I love you more than anything."
Legolas snorted. "Yeah. Maybe when you're not smashed. You beat me every night!"
Deeply shocked, Thranduil cried, "What?"
"Yeah, don't deny it! Every night you beat me and say you hate me and blame me for mother's death!"
Thranduil blinked. "Your mother isn't dead."
"….She's not?"
"…..Noooo. And I never raised my voice at you, let alone my hand."
They blinked at each other. Then Legolas narrowed his eyes. "What about the fact that you love my 50 brothers and one sister more than me? Huh? Huh?!?"
"…Legolas…darling…you are an only child."
Legolas frowned. "Really?"
"Yes."
"Well, you raised me as a girl!"
Thranduil suddenly recalled why he didn't want millions of punks running amok… like Elrond did. "…No, I didn't."
"Well, you condemned my love for Aragorn, also known as Estel, my Ranger Snuggle-Bunny Love-Muffin!"
"…Legolas, my poor, demented son. You are not gay. In fact, you proposed to a nice elf-lady whom you have loved for about 1,000 years."
Legolas frowned and thought. Finally he slapped his hand against his forehead. "Damn! I need to stop reading all those fanfics! So, can I go?"
"…Sure?"
"YES!! Hey, is that because you want me dead?" Legolas eyed him suspiciously.
Thranduil's eyes twitched, and he looked ready to slit his wrists.
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When they arrived at Bree, the Gatekeeper opened the peeky hole but saw no one, so he closed it.
"Hello?" Sam asked. "Let us in you nasty, old keeper-of-the-gate guy!"
"I must be hearing things," the Gatekeeper muttered to himself.
The hobbits decided to climb the gate, so they came flying over the top and plopped into the mud. "Attack!" the Gatekeeper yelled. "We're under attack!" He raced off, never to return. The hobbits shrugged and continued on.
They entered the inn of the Prancing Pony and sat down at a table. "Where are the prancing ponies?" Pippin asked, and everyone gave him weird looks. Luckily Merry came over and sat down, distracting the younger hobbit. "What's that?"
"This, my friend, is a gallon," Merry replied, eagerly licking his lips and salivating.
"I'm getting one," Pippin declared, running full speed for the counter, shoving people out of the way. Meanwhile, Sam was talking to Frodo.
"Mrs. Frodo, all that guy has done since we have arrived is smoke!" Sam said, then he yelled: "Hey, you, if you smoke anymore, there will be an ash storm in here!"
"Smoking is cough good," the stranger wheezed.
"Whatever!" Sam yelled, throwing his mug at the stranger, but he only hit Frodo, who sat in front on him.
"Oh, whack Sam," Frodo sighed.
Pippin, also, was having fun. "Baggins? Sure, I know a Baggins, Frodo Baggins. He's got this ring that turns him invisible, and it belongs to Sauron, but we're not allowed to give it to him. We're taking it to Rivendell," he said. "Do you want to see it?" The men all nodded.
"Hey, Frodo!" Pippin yelled. "Show everyone your ring!" So Frodo got onto the table and drew The Ring from his pocket.
"Fool of some munchkin!" the stranger yelled. He started to run across the room, totally plowing Pippin over and anyone else in his way. Then he leaped up and body slammed Frodo on top of the table. "Stupid munchkin!" he yelled, punching Frodo. "Stupid bloody munchkin!"
"Get off of Mr. Frodo!" Sam shouted, pushing the stranger off of the hobbit.
"Oh, Sam, thank you," Frodo gasped, as the stranger started shuffling around, looking for his cigarette. He found it lying randomly on the floor and picked it up, putting it into his mouth. Then he drug the hobbits upstairs into a room.
"Who are you?" Merry asked.
"Your worst nightmare!" the stranger replied. "But in reality, you can call me Aragorn." The hobbits blinked at one another. Aragorn turned to Frodo. "There is evil coming. Evil far worse than the evilest thing you could think of. We must leave Bree. We'll head to Rivendell because there's a lot of pretty elf-ladies there."
"Did you say 'we?'" Merry asked.
Aragorn stared at him for a moment. "No, I said 'us,'" he replied.
"'Us?'"
"No, I said 'we.'"
"'We?'"
"No, I said 'us.' ARE YOU DEAF, YOU STUPID MUNCHKIN?" Aragorn shouted. All the hobbits knew that the evilest thing in the world was standing right before them.