Title: Coffee and Calypso

Author: LadyBladesong

Summary: Alex's dreams cause some introspection.

Feedback: Please:)

Morning Pick-Me-Up

Jeanette was up before Alex was, a coffee pot brewing by the time Alex padded out to the tiny kitchen, a giant shirt pulled over her lithe body.

"You had a bad dream, huh? You kicked me. A lot." Alex gave a little half nod as she poured herself a cup.

"...Sorry." Alex said, still tired.

"Such plaintive sincerity!" Jeanette mocked, attempting to hug Alex who stiffened and moved away from those words. "What's wrong babe? Do you want to talk about it."

"No," Alex said firmly, but she stared at her coffee and sighed. "But I should." Concerned, Jeanette decided to bring Alex over to the couch. Taking the hispanic girl by the shoulders, Jeanette gently led her girlfriend to the living room, letting Alex sit herself down.

"Okay lil missy. Let's hear it."

Alex looked uncomfortable for half a moment before speaking. "Do you remember when I told you about Paige?"

Jeanette frowned, ruffling her short hair remembering. "Cheerleader fashion bitch who kicked you out and left you to rot?"

Alex sighed again. "That's not exactly how it happened."

"Lexi...okay. You were screwed up. Any girl who couldn't notice how purely SAD you were at that time is a blind idiot who didn't deserve your time of day." Jeanette tried to move closer to Alex to comfort her, but Alex pushed her away.

"Just let me talk okay!!!" Alex yelled. Surprised, Jeanette withdrew. Alex continued. "I just...I think I could have done things differently. Hell, I KNOW I could have done things differently. I mean, If I had, I wouldn't have met you or Mark, but I wouldn't have lost her either."

"Wel---" Jeanette paused as she recalled her last interruption.

"I know, I know, she was my first, we all love our firsts, blah blah fucking blah, I've heard it. But that's not what bothers me, the love that is."

Alex looked down again, embarrassed while Jeanette flinched at hearing the word love in reference to this past girlfriend, "Then what?"

"The fact that if I saw her again, I think I'd be more inclined to hurt her than chase her."

Jeanette got up and stretched, flexed her well-built body, then looked at Alex. "What's my biggest flaw?"

Alex thought for a moment, although she didn't know where this was going. "You don't think people will take you seriously when you show your feminine side."

Jeanette actually blushed, but nodded in a sort of almost-amused manner. "And you're afraid that people will think you're a bitch if you act strongly. You've told me just about everything Lexi, and far as I can tell, when it comes to your past, you're afraid to confront it because you think you'll go too far. I don't think there is a too far. I mean as long as you don't go throttling someone..."

"I almost did." Alex put down her coffee mug and buried her head in her arms. "I almost...oh god...I was so angry...I can't believe I almost...after all that bullshit with Chad and all those other assholes...I turned out just as bad." Alex was shocked out of her muttering when Jeanette thwapped her upside the head.

"Idiot. You're not anywhere near as bad. You stopped yourself. That counts for a lot. You have to get all this 'I'm a horrible person' bullshit out of your system. Getting Paige out of your system would be nice too," Jeanette smirked "But not mandatory. I do understand you know. I'm not that butch."

Alex smiled, but still looked somewhat withdrawn. "I don't know if I should take The Den. I mean, I don't get why Mark left it to me of all people. We barely knew..."

"Jesus Mary and Joseph! Alex, seven years does not constitute 'barely knew'. You took care of him. When I couldn't..."

"You were trying to become an officer. That and he kept it from you." Jeanette took Alex's matter-of-fact tone as a good sign.

Jeanette suddenly smiled. "You see? We all have regrets. It's not what we did or didn't do in the past. It's how we treat our pasts in the present and how we let them influence our futures"

Alex rubbed her temple. Her head hurt now, but at least it wasn't her heart. "How in the world are you that wise this early in the morning?"

"Easy." Jeanette stuck her tongue out. "I've had more coffee than you."