GP2: Part 02 edited & re-posted FEB28/07

Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"
Author: Moor
Genre: General/Humour/Parody
Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.
Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".

AN: By somewhat popular demand, a sequel to "Girl Problems" – "Girl Problems 2: The Return of Girl Problems"! This time, Azula gets her turn! In this chapter, the Fire Sages pronounce the date of the battle and we meet Admirals Pho and Po.

IN THE GREAT HALL OF THE FIRE NATION PALACE

The Chief Fire Sage noticed with some trepidation, as he made his way to the Dais of the Sages in the Great Hall, that a number of his colleagues were having an inordinately difficult time following his somber lead. Their solemn march was occasionally marked by unbalanced steps, jostles, and, despite their best efforts, at least two of the Esteemed Wise Ones were leaning against each other every step of the way, essentially propping each other up.

In short, the majority of the Sages were still quite hung-over from the night's 'scrying' with the nuns.

Reaching the top of the Dais, he stood behind the Alter of Agni, raised his hands, and began the proclamation (praying to Agni simultaneously):

"By order of the Great Agni, the Original Spirit, the True Fire," he began, "Please hear our prayers."

Please let me live through the humiliation I know will come to pass.

"Your guidance has never faltered, our devotion is absolute."

Just don't let any of them fall off the Dais into the crowd and kill a noble. I'm begging you.

"We have communed with your Pure Spirit, and seek your way."

Ok, to be completely honest, we communed with the sacramental wine – but we were searching for you. We just lost our stick in transit. Hey, yeah, if you see that thing, could you send us a sign, please? We're still looking for it…

"By your blessing, we pronounce your judgment:"

Look, you'll have to forgive us for this one, we just made it up. See the stick-thing above.

"On the week before the full moon, may your esteemed descendant set sail with our Great Nation's troops, and may their battle begin the day of the full moon, when they are at their most powerful."

Well, we're pretty sure that's when Azula will be most… uh, how to say this politely to a Great Spirit… "Predisposed to follow her nature." And yes, we know that waterbenders are also likely to be at their most powerful, too—but I'm sure Azula will be able to cover things. We'll leave that in your hands, her being your descendant and all…

"We thank Agni for his blessing, and the spirit in which it was given. All about, all return, blessed be."

"Yeah, let's hear it for the spirits – all 20 litres of 'em!" he heard one of the Sages mumble drunkenly to his neighbour, before hiccupping.

The Chief Sage prayed fervently none of the audience members had overheard the comment.

The nobles bowed and repeated "All about, all return, blessed be," and the commanding Sage led the rest of his followers away, as quickly as he dared, back to their common room. The Fire Lord was watching them closely, he noticed. The Chief knew to expect a visit from their great leader, going by the look on his face. If he was really lucky, he'd be able to come up with a reason to need 'extended solitary communal time with Agni' before Ozai showed up. Another hiccup from behind him. He winced. REALLY lucky…

Please watch over our soldiers, Great Agni. I pray for their safe return, he finished silently.

One of the Sages behind him giggled. And then fell down, and giggled harder.

Great Agni, I pray for myself, too, actually, if you have time, added the Chief Sage desperately, as he rolled his eyes and heard another Sage quickly haul the fallen man to his feet and drag him along. I have my work cut out for me with this lot.

ON BOARD THE 'DEBILITATING CRIMSON TIDE', LOADING AT THE FIRE NAVY DOCKYARD

Azula was not impressed with the Fire Sages' declaration, but she was going to do her duty and bend the Earth Kingdom scum to her will, come Hell or high water. In fact, she dared it to be more the latter than the former, just to keep things interesting.

She watched as her trunks were loaded up the gangplank to the ship, carried by her personal palace servants, while Ty Lee and Mai observed the goings-on with a curious and casual eye from beside a pile of crates nearby. Azula's trunks contained all her necessary personal items, her spare armour (the dressier set, for special occasions), and all her… girl-things, too. She'd vowed they weren't to leave her sight until they reached her cabin securely. She was supervising the loading of all her own possessions, along with overseeing the ship's provisioners. Boring, but necessary, as she had to make sure no one brought any contraband aboard, or other unnecessary items. The boatswain, also known as BOSN, was doing most of the work, but she was there to make sure he did it well -- and intimidate those who dared flaunt their indiscretions.

"No, you are not allowed to bring an inner-tube with you on board to have the ship tow you on the 'off-days'," drawled the boatswain as one soldier tried to sneak in a large, tightly-bound package. "This is a war, young woman, not summer camp."

"Yes, you can bring pictures of your family." BOSN's eyebrows rose into his hairline as the pictures were brought out for inspection. "Not pictures like those, though! Agni preserve us, soldier, what in Spirits' name possessed you to take a picture like that and bring it aboard?…"

"No, we don't follow Prince Zuko's code of musical-instrument restrictions – you are welcome to bring as many Sungi horns on board as you can carry. We only request you not play them all simultaneously."

"No, you aren't permitted to bring your mistress with you for 'personal sanctuary and the occasional conjugal'. Or your girlfriend. Or her sister. Or her best friend…"

"That also means you can't bring them with you all-together, either, sir. Kindly ask them to remove their costumes, kiss them goodbye, and return to shore in a respectable fashion—NOT IN THAT ORDER! OH MY SPIRITS, stop that right now! I order you all to DEBARK THIS INSTANT! GET OFF THIS SHIP, YOU MORAL DEGENERATES! And YOU over there, stop staring! And YOU, NO you CAN'T join in! All of you, back to work!"

Pausing for a moment to calm his hysterics, the flagship's operator turned to the next crewman in line. "Yes, you can bring your rubber turtle-duck…" By now he was rubbing his forehead with a hanky and hoping the vein there stopped throbbing soon. Sighing, the excitable man ticked another name off his list. And prayed for patience. They hadn't even left port yet…

Princess Azula's attention was severed from the amusing, though monotonous supervision by the nearby outbreak of lupo-chicken squawking, however. Snapping her head in the direction of the noise, she saw that one of the ship's containers of live provisions had been dropped, and its cargo of foul fowl were skittering all over the deck, making their haphazard break for freedom. Her duty as ship's superintendent, and her general dislike of chaos, spurred her into action and she began ordering the chickens rounded up and restrained. Looking around, she saw one man trying to sneak away from the scene of the crime (and his duties), and called out to him, her voice razor-sharp with authority, "You there! Return to your station at once when you've assisted the others with the quarantine of the provisions. You look like an admiral, you should be leading by example! What kind of dedicated soldier to the Fire Nation, are you?" He turned towards her voice slightly and rushed to salute her. The Princess nearly paled at the look of joy that crossed the man's face upon recognizing her.

Oh no, not him of all people, she realised dismally.

Admiral Pho grinned widely and waved in comically-exaggerated fashion at the princess before starting towards her-- His Boss. The woman he idolized above all else. The enraptured look on his face was enough incentive for Azula to decide that yes, it was time to delegate, delegate, delegate, and get the Hell away from the main deck and her mortifying admirer, as fast and as dignified as possible. She wasn't avoiding him, she was just… seeing to more pressing matters. Every single one of them. Before she was ever going to deal with him.

Suddenly deciding her job as the A-Team's Supervisor could start after she'd settled herself into her quarters, Azula ordered the mate to oversee the cleanup on deck and purposefully walked back to the area she'd left her servants, intending to direct them to her room. To her astonishment, the servants were nowhere to be seen.

And neither were her trunks.

Even her trunks of girl-things were missing.

The young woman's shock (and subsequent analysis of the situation and listing of Most Likely Places to Find her Girl-Things), was jarringly interrupted by the recurrence of a most unfortunate circumstance…

"Your Majesty! Your Majesty Azula! It's me, Admiral Pho! Hi! Hey, remember me? I'm an admiral now! Your Majesty! Your Majesty, I'm over here! Can you hear me, your Majesty? Crown Princess Azula? Wanna see my Admiral's badge? It's really impressive! Your Majesty!"

…An unfortunate circumstance called 'Admiral Pho'. (She called him 'Admiral Fool' around Ty Lee and Mai. She'd have to watch her mouth while she was on her ship. Mental-voice only, she reminded herself swiftly.)

The over-eager shout behind her rang out loudly across the ship's metal deck, and every pair of eyes turned to the yelling man who was parting the crew (and chickens) like the Red Sea, in Herculean effort to reach her side.

Ty Lee and Mai had already moved into place just behind their leader and were following her through a doorway into the ship's depths. Ty Lee glanced back at the exuberant fanboy who followed closely after them. She squinted her eyes at him, before a look of recognition blossomed across her features and she waved.

"Pho! How are you?" she called to the man cheerfully, still following Azula. The Princess kept her eyes forward and ignored them both.

"Lady Ty Lee! Lovely to see you again! I see you're with your Mistress, how fortunate. I'm fine, by the way, thank you for asking. Hello Lady Mai, how are you?" Silence. "So, Lady Ty Lee," he gave a gigawatt smile and climbed over a few more soldiers, still trying to reach the departing women. "What are you up to on the ship? Just here to oversee the supplies and bless the mission?" He was trying to tidy his hair and straighten his uniform, all while chasing them across the deck. Some crates fell off their loading-dolly and cracked as they hit the ship's deck, spilling grains across the bolted metal plates.

Ty Lee shook her head no, bouncing back and forth on her feet. "Oh no, we're coming along! I can't wait to go to war!" she giggled back, excited.

"You'll be joining us then? Uh… All of you?" Pho asked hopefully, nearly running into a bolt of cable that was littering the ground. "Are you joining us for the voyage then, your Majesty?" he broached, trying not to sound overly eager (and failing quite spectacularly). He leapt deftly over a group of men chasing a random lupo-chicken that squawked in terror at his stumbling rush. More crates crashed behind him as people jumped out of the way to avoid the hell-bent admiral.

"Ty Lee," was all Azula said, but the meaning behind the casual tone was clear to her friend. Smiling apologetically to Admiral Pho, Ty Lee bounded over to the young gentleman and quickly bowed to him.

"I'm really sorry to do this to you, Pho, but Boss's orders!"

Pho gave her a confused look (coupled with his endearing, friendly grin) before the deck of the ship leapt up and smacked him in the face.

The rest of the crew were doubled-over with laughter a moment later as Ty Lee skipped back to Azula's side, Admiral Pho laid out uncomfortably on his back on the baking metal deck of the ship. Shifting his weight just enough to make his head loll to the side to watch them walk away (upside down), Pho smiled back at the retreating women.

"I'm ok, don't worry, your Majesty! I'll see you at supper in the Officer's Mess! Can we eat together? I can carry your tray for you! Rest assured, it'll take more than this to keep me down!"

"Duly noted," muttered Azula, stepping from the bright deck into the ship. She took a dark corridor that would lead to their quarters.

"Old friend?" asked Mai in an uninterested tone. Ty Lee giggled, knowing Mai was just teasing their friend.

Azula ignored her, preferring instead to continue the search for her missing-in-action possessions.

"They can't have taken them far. Search the officers' quarters – there's no way those servants would have dared go below decks. I want them back, now." Her eyes were icy and focused on something only she could see.

Ty Lee and Mai looked at each other and shrugged. Ok, so they'd search for a bit and then send some lackeys out to do the rest. They had more interesting things to do. Hopefully the A-Team's Harem would provide them some entertainment while they were away at sea. (They'd gotten a good, long, purely appreciative look at them as they'd boarded. Ty Lee hoped there was a juggler among them…)

SOMEWHERE BELOW DECKS ON THE 'DEBILITATING CRIMSON TIDE'

The servants followed the pair of soldiers uneasily. This didn't look like their Princess's type of quarters, and they really hadn't wanted to leave the main deck in the first place. Some soldiers had ordered them out of the way during the lupo-chicken fiasco, and somehow they'd eventually ended up in the belly of the ship, still dragging their cargo behind them. Other crewmen passing by had shown them the way out, luckily, but by then the Princess had left the main deck and the boatswain had been apoplectic with rage at his debauched, miscreant crew, so they didn't dare bother him.

Now they were following the directions of another soldier, a very kind one who'd taken one look at the trunks and immediately routed them to the Officers' Quarters.

Stepping into the lavish hallway, the servants immediately breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow, this corridor had lots of light, lush plants, and plaster mouldings along the floor and ceiling joints. This was definitely more representative of the Regal Accommodations to which they were accustomed. Stopping in front of the most impressive doorway they could find, the lead servant rested a moment before rapping smartly on the door.

Almost smiling with the notion of soon returning to the familiar Fire Nation Palace, it took a moment for the servant to realize that the person answering his polite knock wasn't his Mistress, Princess Azula.

Admiral Po, his hair in rollers and a beauty-mud mask expertly caking his face, delicately swung open the door before his eyes brightened at the sight of the handsome young servant-men. He started clapping enthusiastically.

"Ooooh! Pressies!" he cried, exalted, before noticing their trunks and crates. "And you brought gifts, too! Oh, do come in, come in, come in!"

(HEARD AMONG THE CREW AND SOLDIERS ABOARD THE 'DEBILITATING CRIMSON TIDE')

"Five silver on Pho getting his ass handed to him by Ty Lee, Mai, and the Princess by breakfast."

"Ten silver on the Princess's hench-wenches cock-blocking him."

"Four gold on Pho getting a kiss in with her Highness before we return to the Fire Nation."

Raucous laughter resonated through the mess hall. "If that happens, I put ten gold on the Princess shooting him full of blue lightning in appreciation!"

"And if she doesn't, twenty gold on her daddy doing it thereafter!" More boisterous laughter and comments rang out.

The hooded stranger calmly took down all the bets in the Secret Fire Navy Bookie Ledger, storing all monies in the Secret Fire Navy Bookie Cashbox. No one knew who the bookie was, but the betting was always better when the mysterious individual was around.

The bookie's hand raised, indicating there were only a few moments left for the attendees to place their bets. A few rushed orders later, a chart was drawn up to indicate all the bets and expected odds for each. It would be placed in the crew's mess hall, and would be updated frequently. It was tradition to have some kind of game to motivate the crew and keep them out of trouble on missions, and gambling (nothing too elaborate or dangerous, obviously) was as good as any to keep everyone's minds off their mission, to relax.

And to feed the gossip mill.

Each crewmember bowed to the bookie before exiting, and when the room was silent, the bookie closed the door, counted the money, and calculated the final tally.

Yes, thought Mai, shifting her hood to let her dark hair fall across her shoulders, things would definitely be interesting this time…

TBC

/AN: We finally meet two of the admirals! I can't wait to bring in Bo and Mo!
/AN: It will be getting funnier soon, don't worry! I'm working up to it!
/AN: BTW, the "Buffy" quote from the last chapter had to do with the A-Team's "keen fashion sense". This is a line from the original Buffy movie that came out back in the early '90s. Hilary Swank and Luke Perry were in that movie. This was a LONG time before Hilary got her Oscar nod. You've been warned…