It's Hard To Refuse You
Chapter Two
Mr. Merriman was very ill for most of August, and Felicity spent most her time helping her mother take care of him, while Nan took care of the house. She fanned her father and sponged him off. She fed him broth. When her mother was occasionally overcome with exhaustion from nursing her husband and fell into bed, Felicity watched over him. The whole family longed for the cool breezes of the plantation, but Edward Merriman would never have survived the trip, over the rough roads they would be required to drive along. They had sent the servants who went to the plantation every summer without them. Rose was especially sad to miss the chance to see her family, who lived on the plantation year round, but she knew Mrs. Merriman needed her help.
Felicity was glad her sister was able to run the household, but missed talking to her. She was too busy to wonder how Nan was feeling about things, and longed for more hours in the day, but her father came first.
Felicity was glad to have something to do, to keep her mind off Ben. He was avoiding her, but to be fair, she was also avoiding him as much as possible. Things had become awkward between them. It was clear that they could never be friends again as they had been as children, but neither of them knew what their new relationship would finally be.
Ben missed Felicity at the store, though. Mrs. Fitchett came in one day, after she had done the rest of her marketing, to inquire after Mr. Merriman's health, and when Ben told her he was no better, but no worse, she looked troubled.
"Mr. Fitchett is talking about going back out for the Commissary," she said, "but I do not want him to go alone. If Mr. Merriman were well enough to go along, I would not worry so much."
The war was not going well, and Ben knew the woman's fears were well–founded.
She brightened, though, when she remembered something else. "Did Miss Felicity tell you about the letter she got from the Coles?"
Ben paused, pained. "We have not spoken much of late. She is busy helping Mrs. Merriman with the house and with her father's care and I have been busy here at the store."
"Well!" said the stout woman, "I thought for sure she would have told you. You and Lord Harry were such good friends…for all that he was a Loyalist! He was wounded, you see, fighting with General Burgoyne at Fort Ticonderoga. He pulled through, but his soldiering days were through. He decided to go back home. And he resumed his courtship of Miss Annabelle Cole! They are to be married in a few weeks, so that she can return to England with him! I heard it from Mrs. Deare, who got a letter herself from Mrs. Cole. They were quite good friends, you know. But I know that Miss Elizabeth wrote Miss Felicity about it. She picked up her letter at the Post Office about the same time Mrs. Deare did."
"I didn't know," Ben exclaimed. "I wish Miss Cole and Lord Harry ever possible happiness. They are probably better off out of New York. I expect Lord Harry's sister will be pleased to have him home, even if she is not pleased to have a Colonial sister-in-law."
"Perhaps Felicity did not mention it because the subject of marriage is so painful for her right now. You heard she rejected Jeffrey Galt's suit, did you not? Perhaps she regrets it. It would have been a good match for her," Mrs. Fitchett said, as she looked at some fabrics.
"As I heard it, Miss Merriman did not feel that she and Mr. Galt suited each other at all, and that it was improper of him to bring up such a topic at such a time. The war makes things so uncertain, and her father is so ill," said Ben coldly, as he stood beside her, straightening out some sewing notions.
"All the more reason to find herself a husband," said Mrs. Fitchett, dropping the bolt of fabric and gathering up her shopping basket. "There aren't that many suitable young men left in Williamsburg."
The key word, Ben mused, twirling a quill in his hand, as he watched the woman leave, is suitable. He wanted to ease the strain that existed between him and Felicity, but Mr. Merriman was still too ill to discuss the matter, and he did not feel right burdening Mrs. Merriman with his feelings of inadequacy. Then he got an idea, and made a decision to go see Mr. Fitchett as soon as possible.
He thought about Felicity, and how she would respond to the idea he had in his head. Would the Merrimans really think that their former apprentice was good enough for their daughter anyway? Would he ever be able to have a business of his own? What would happen to Mr. Merriman and to the store if the war continued on indefinitely? Ben wondered how he would he be able to afford a home of his own with business so poor. Marcus had become worried that if times did not get better, that Mr. Merriman would change his mind about keeping the slave families intact, but Ben assured him that his wife, who helped Ruth with the garden, and his sons, Ethan and Luke, who helped with the horses and other household chores, were not going to be sold. The lack of trade at the store worried Ben, too, however, and he felt very guilty about having gotten so physically intimate with an innocent impressionable girl that he had no official understanding with, as much as he had enjoyed the intimacy itself.
Felicity had also gone to Market Square that morning, running errands for her mother. As she passed the post office, she thought about the letter she had gotten from Elizabeth. According to Elizabeth, Annabelle was much relieved. She was now at the age where she was afraid of being a spinster, and found Lord Harry much more appealing now than she had at the age of sixteen. Annabelle was sick of war and ready to go back to England. The initial excitement of living in the colonies had long passed for her.
Felicity walked into the house feeling as if she would never be happy again. As she hung up her cloak, she heard her mother calling to her.
"Lissie? Lissie? Is that you? Come here, my dear!"
Felicity hurried up the stairs, and found her mother standing in the doorway to the sickroom where her father had spent so many days in a fever. Martha Merriman was crying, but she was smiling, too.
"Look, my darling," she said, as she led Felicity to Edward Merriman. For days he had lain twisting in bed, his pale skin hot and dry. Now it was flushed and he seemed peaceful. "The fever has broken. He is sleeping naturally."
"Oh, Mother, I am so happy!" Felicity hugged her mother hard. "He is going to start getting well now?"
"It will take a long time for him to recover," said her mother, "but I think he will."
By the middle of autumn it was clear that Mr. Merriman was on the mend, Felicity took over most of his care. Her mother started to take charge of the house and the other children more, and was able to get more rest herself while Felicity stayed with her father. He slept a great deal, but gradually started regaining some strength, and when he was awake, he liked to listen to her read, or sing, or just have her sit beside him and hold his hand. When he slept, she closed his bed curtains, to keep out the drafts. She kept the pitcher full of fresh water. Occasionally she looked out the window as her father slept and watched William and Polly playing in the yard. William had become quite fond of playing marbles, and the youngest Merriman children both liked rolling hoops. Felicity would stop for a moment and try to remember what it was like to play childish games, but then her father would waken and she would turn back to his care. When Nan came in, she was often forced to hush her and send her out, since her father needed his rest, and that was hard, but Felicity knew they would have time later to talk.
The only time Felicity made sure not to be in her father's bedchamber was after dinner, when Ben came up to discuss the store's accounts and progress with him, and discuss the news of the war. He kept Mr. Merriman entertained most evenings. The area west of the Appalachian Mountains and north of the Ohio River was the scene of some of the bitterest fighting so far. George Rogers Clark was leading an expedition of Virginia troops against the British and their Indian allies. Ben and Mr. Merriman both thought Clark a great frontier leader.
She stayed in her father's bedchamber, helping him eat his meal while the rest of the family had supper, and then when Ben was about to come upstairs, she would creep down to the kitchen and get herself something to eat. She made sure she saw him as little as possible, and that they were never alone together.
She and her mother were both attending to Mr. Merriman one day, when her mother spoke to her gently. "Lissie, you have been a wonderful nurse, but Father is better now, and I think you are spending too much time in the house. I have gotten caught up with my other work now. Would you not like to go back to the store, at least part of each day? I'm sure you miss being out with people."
Felicity's heart froze. "I'm fine, really."
Her father smiled at her. He was able to sit up now. He liked reading the papers and books, but was getting restless and soon hoped be able to leave his bed for short periods of time. "Your mother is right, Felicity. As much as I enjoy your company, it would not be fair of me to keep you here day and night. I'm sure Ben and Marcus could use your help. Ben says nothing of you, but I'm sure he misses you there."
"No, he does not! I cannot go back. I cannot face him again." Both of her parents looked at her, startled.
"Felicity, what do you mean? Has Ben done something to upset you? I noticed you were not speaking, but I thought you were just too busy worrying about your father and about me," said her mother.
"He has nothing else to say to me. He doesn't want to be near me anymore. He thinks it is his fault, but it is mine, and mine alone." And with that Felicity buried her head in her arms on the edge of her father's bed and began to cry.
"What happened? What did he do and what did you do? I want to know." Edward Merriman said, and his voice had all of the sternness of days past.
"It was that dreadful Jeffrey Galt. One day when I came home, he was waiting for me on the porch. He…he told me that he and his father had decided it would be a good thing if he were to come to court me."
"Why, what did you say?" Mrs. Merriman asked, wide-eyed.
"I told him no. I tried to be as kind as I could, but he became angry. He told me that father was going to die, and that you'd be better off if I were out of the house so you didn't have the burden of caring for me."
"He said that to you? But what has this to do with Ben?" Mr. Merriman asked, confused.
"William heard what Jeff said and got very upset. Ben heard Jeff, too, and sent him off with a flea in his ear. Ben was so angry, but so splendid, father. I wish you could have seen him! Then Ben talked to William until William calmed down and felt better. Ben was so kind and gentle with William. I was so grateful. After he sent William away, he turned to me, and took me in his arms. He meant no harm. I was so confused, so angry and disappointed, and humiliated, that it felt wonderful to have someone holding me, someone that I trusted and believed cared for me."
"Lissie," said her mother slowly, "I do not want you to get the idea that it's fitting to make a habit of standing on the porch in men's arms, but there was nothing wrong in Ben trying to comfort you. You were distraught, and I agree it is certain that Ben meant no harm. He is a gentleman, and I can see why he might feel he took a liberty, but I do not see it that way, and I'm sure your father does not, either."
"Certainly not," said Mr. Merriman, but before he could go further, Felicity shook her head fiercely, tears flying off her face.
"It wasn't just that. I…kissed him. I kissed him, and he kissed me, and I didn't feel angry or humiliated any more. I felt safe, and happy, and I never wanted to stop. It was so exciting! I knew then why I didn't want to marry Jeff. He's an impossible oaf, but he could have been wonderful, and I still would not have wanted to marry him, because he would never be as wonderful as Ben. Mother, when I kissed him, I knew. I love Ben. And I told him so."
"And Ben does not feel the same way about you?" Mrs. Merriman asked gently.
"He says he does, but if he did, I can't imagine why he'd get so upset about me saying that I feel that way. Ben says that while he's old enough to know his own mind, I am not, but I think I am. He says he doesn't want to take advantage of me, or insult you, but I swear, he wasn't doing anything I did not wish him to do, and I know how much you like Ben. I thought you would be happy for us. I thought you would understand."
Felicity stood up and began to pace like a caged animal. "Ben even said he didn't want to be like Jeff, but he couldn't be, ever. He's not that ill-bred. He says there's too much going on in our lives right now to be sure that it's right. But no matter what Ben says, however kindly, I still think I made a fool of myself, over a man who didn't want me. And that is why I cannot face him!"
"Felicity, listen to me," said her father. "Can you not see how honorable Ben is being? He wishes only your happiness. You were very, very emotional, and when you are emotional, you do not always keep your wits about you. You know that. We all know that. If Ben wants to make sure that you know your own mind that is a very kind thing to do. It takes a stout heart to keep clear-headed around you when you are set on something. He is a gentleman and finds you very hard to refuse in most things. If you love him, and he loves you, it will sort itself out."
"What if he leaves us before that can happen? He still speaks of it sometimes. What if he goes away and never comes back?"
"Felicity," said her mother, taking her daughter into her arms, and brushed the last dampness off her cheeks, "If you love him, and he must leave you, and does not come back, it was not meant to be. If it is meant to be, it will be."
Martha Merriman gave her daughter a last hug, then said, "At least go sit in the garden for awhile. The fresh air will cool your temper and do you good. If you are still restless, you can check the burlap Ethan and Luke put over the vegetables. If we don't keep it on, the rabbits will be eating the last of them before I get a chance to finish putting them up for the winter."
'Yes, Mother," Felicity answered sadly.
When she had left the room, her parents looked at each other and shook their heads.
"Well, this is a fine mess," said Mrs. Merriman. "Poor Lissie!"
"Poor Ben," Mr. Merriman retorted. "Lissie must have blasted him like lightning. You know how determined she can be when she thinks she knows what she wants. At least he kept his head."
"What can we do about this?' Mrs. Merriman said, worried.
"I will speak to Ben." Mr. Merriman said firmly.
"Get some rest first. This excitement is not good for you. I'll bring you some fresh water," said his wife, and she left her husband to his own thoughts. He had actually found the excitement rather invigorating, and he trusted both his daughter's feelings and Ben's ability to do what was right.
When Ben came up to visit Mr. Merriman after dinner, Edward had planned out what he wanted to say. He waited until Ben had complained about the lack of trade at the store, which was due to the problems with money in the colonies. Congress had issued paper money, which the citizens had nicknamed "continentals" but the states had also issued paper money of their own, and most of it was worthless. It took forty paper dollars to buy one gold dollar. Ben was also upset about the rumors that the capital of the colony of Virginia might at some point have to be moved away from Williamsburg due to its vulnerability to attack by the British.
"We shall lose our prominence," Ben fumed.
"Perhaps if it happens, it will only be temporary," Mr. Merriman suggested. "The college will certainly continue to flourish." He considered Ben carefully. "You now consider Williamsburg your home, do you not?"
"This is the best home I have ever had," Ben said firmly.
"But it is a troubled home," Mr. Merriman said, plucking at the edge of his coverlet. "I know about Jeffrey Galt. I know what he said to Felicity and how it upset her and William. I know how you came to the defense of my daughter and son."
Ben looked at Mr. Merriman warily, clenching his fists and sliding forward until he was sitting on the edge of his chair. "I wanted to kill that fool. I'm glad I did not, however. It is a more fitting revenge for him to know he was wrong. I thank God every day for your recovery, Mr. Merriman. You have always treated me more than fairly, indeed like a son, and I will never forget it."
"My daughter has the notion that you might make a fair son-in-law," said Mr. Merriman, slyly watching Ben's face.
Ben's face twisted in pain. "I wish I could be sure she meant that, but she is very young, and I want to earn a comfortable home for her, instead of always imposing upon you. Everything I have, you have given me. Is it fair to also ask you to give me your daughter as well? There are many in Williamsburg who would find me a poor match for Felicity, not just Jeff Galt."
"You have never imposed on me. You have earned your place in our lives. You are a truly excellent young man and I can not refuse to listen to you simply because of how you came into our lives. If Lissie loves you, my wife and I are perfectly willing to have you go on learning to love her, and to help you go on working to find a place in this world for the both of you."
"I would feel better if I could continue to work for her. I want her, but I want to make sure I can make her happy, and I also want a chance to stand on my own two feet. There were so many things I thought I wanted. I wanted to be a soldier. I wanted to be a fighter, at least for the things I believed in. I wanted to be a hero."
"Lissie does not want a hero. She wants you, for what you are. But if you feel you have more to accomplish before you are ready to marry, I can understand that. It will all sort itself out in time."
"I hope so," Ben said earnestly. "But I still want to pursue my dream of doing something for my country. Mr. Fitchett is ready to go back out to assist the troops, but Mrs. Fitchett does not want him to go alone." Ben swallowed hard. "I was talking to him and I think I should be the one to go with him, now that you cannot."
Mr. Merriman plucked at his covers again. "Are you sure this is what you want? I don't regret for a moment what I did, but I saw many disturbing things. It can be very dangerous at times. Do you really know what you are getting into?"
"Aye, I've been giving it a lot of thought. You would need another apprentice, but you can use my share of the store's profits to pay for one while I am away. My mother has a friend in Yorktown, who is looking for a place for her youngest son. He is about to turn fifteen, and she is afraid he will get swept up in Patriot talk and run away and join the militia if she does not find something else to bind him. My mother's friend has Loyalist leanings, but her son does not. You do not have to worry about that."
"If you think he is suitable, I will not worry about it. Nearly every family I know has been torn by this war. Benjamin Franklin himself has a son, named William, who is a Loyalist, you know. What is this lad's name?"
"Charles Prentis, Sir. May I write to him in your name?"
"Yes, if you promise to speak to Felicity first about your plans. You need to be honest with each other."
"Yes, sir, I will," Ben promised, and Edward believed him. He was a good lad, a really decent young fellow.
The next morning, while Nan was helping to churn the butter, Felicity offered to go to the smokehouse for Rose, who was quite busy. She felt it was time that she got back to helping with household chores. Nan had shouldered an unfair amount of that burden for a long time. Besides, Felicity loved the smokehouse. She loved the smell of the good smoked meat, and the sense of security it gave her to know there was plenty of food ready for her family, that they would never know hunger.
She was startled though, by Jeffrey Galt, who appeared in her path quite suddenly. He swept his hat off his head, and bowed low before her.
"Miss Merriman, forgive me, but I really must speak with you."
"I have nothing further to say to you, .Mr. Galt," said Felicity, wishing that the very earth could swallow her up and take her away.
"If you do not speak, at least you can hear," Jeff said passionately, his pale eyes flashing. "I deeply regret what I said to you previously. A great miracle has occurred here, and it was born of your faith. It must have been. I know I behaved badly, but I deeply regret the hurt I caused you. Please accept my apology. Can we not forget about the past and move forward? I still care for you, and I would give anything for a chance to show it."
"It's no use, Jeff. I wish you no ill will. I'm sure many girls in this town would be happy to have you come courting, but I cannot accept you. I wish you well, but it's not use calling on me. I will never change my mind."
"Won't you even tell me why?"
"There's nothing to tell. I just know in my heart we are not suited to one another."
Jeff's face twisted with anger and pain. "You're a heart-hearted girl, Felicity Merriman. I've loved you all my life, even if it was from afar, and you turn me away without a word. I used to watch you and Miss Cole speaking to each other so intimately and dream of the day when I could speak to you the same way. How can you be so cruel?" He spun around and stomped off.
As he walked forcefully away toward the road, Felicity stood rooted to the spot. She thought of all of the girls in town, who considered it fun to have lots of men come calling, and who enjoyed having their parents presented with lots of proposals. Felicity couldn't understand how anyone could find it amusing to turn down men, even if it was the right thing to do. Felicity thought it was awful.
She stood still, thinking, until Ben appeared, coming down the path from the house. "Was that Jeffrey Galt I just saw turn the corner of the house?" he asked, distracted. "I thought I told him to stay away from you!"
"Let him go," Felicity said, tiredly. "Forget about him. I think that business is finally done."
"We still have unfinished business between us, however," said Ben gently. "May I speak to you, and speak freely?"
Felicity had so much going through her mind that she thought her head would burst if she were forced to add anything else. Irritated, she answered, "You have not spoken to me for days, Benjamin Davidson! Jeff has left me unsettled in my mind. I need to bring in the meat, and it looks like it might storm. Can this not wait?" Felicity asked impatiently.
"I have not much time, and I would be easier in my mind if I had the matter settled. I am going to the post office today, to mail I letter I have written, with your father's permission, to a lad I know in Yorktown. With luck, he will come to us soon, and will take his place as your father's new apprentice."
Felicity was shocked. "A new apprentice? But business is not good enough for Father to hire another apprentice! There is barely enough work for you and Marcus to do! Marcus told me!"
Ben looked at her, determined to explain as clearly as possible. "Once the new lad comes, and understands his duties, I will be joining Mr. Fitchett. I am going out for the Commissary in your father's place. It is all arranged. This is something I need to do. I cannot let others labor for my freedom and my future, and not lend a hand. Fate has decreed I do not join the militia, as I so wished to do, but I will still serve my country and work for her freedom in my own way, and thus I be able to be content."
"Oh, Ben!" A look of total despair crossed Felicity's face, and it caused Ben pain, but also gave him a bit of hope. "I do not want you to go. I do not want to lose you. I told you that I loved you," she blurted impulsively, "and God help me, in spite of everything I love you still."
"Felicity, come." Ben took her by the hand, and led her to the edge of the garden. His fingers were warm entwined around hers. They sat on a bench, and were surrounded with the scent of roses rising up behind them, and sage, thyme and mint floating on the air before them. Felicity listened hard; afraid of what he might say, yet longing for what he might say.
"I love you, too. I'm sure of it now. I will think of you every day until I can be beside you again."
"Then why do you have to go at all? What makes you risk your life and our happiness now, when things are so dark and dangerous?" She was confused, and her head was whirling. How could two different men happen to confess their ardor for her in less than an hour? And why did the one she wanted most to stay have to be the one determined to go away?
"It is honor," Ben said, "that compels me. Felicity, try to understand. I cannot make it any clearer."
"I am trying," said Felicity, "but it is not easy for me to let go of something I want, and in spite of everything, I want you here."
"And it is hard for me to refuse you in anything, but I have always been a patriot, and that has never changed. I wish to serve my country. I need to serve my country," Ben said and sighed. He looked around searchingly, then reached out and pulled off the head of one of Martha Merriman's vivid pink roses and pressed it into her hand.
"Look at this rose, Felicity," Ben said gently, cupping his hand around hers, and leaning his head in until his forehead touched her bright hair. "Life and love are both very precious, especially in full bloom, the way this rose is, but God willing, they always return in the proper season. When I come back, I am sure we will find ourselves in our proper season. And that is why, before I go, there is something I want you to know. If God grants me life, I will be back someday. And I want to come back to you. I want to come back for you. If I come back, will you marry me?"
"When you come back I will marry you," Felicity said, tears stinging her eyes, "I will wait for you, and I will marry you, and if you do not return, I will never love anyone else."
"That is not what I need you to say," said Ben with a groan. "I only want your happiness."
"I'll only be happy when I am your wife."
She tilted her chin up, and found his lips on hers again, but this kiss was not hot and hard, the way their kisses on the porch had been. This kiss was soft, and warm, and the warmth of it went all the way through her. Felicity wanted it to go on forever. They kept kissing, over and over, many of these remarkably gentle and sweet kisses, until the sound of a startled gasp caused them to break apart.
Rose, wondering where her breakfast ham had gotten to, had finally come out after Felicity, and found her in Ben's arms.
"Rose," cried Felicity happily, "Congratulate us! We've come to an understanding!"
Rose looked from Felicity, to Ben, and then back to Felicity. She shook her head, her arms akimbo. "I'd be happy to congratulate you, Miss Felicity, but I think I'll save my prayers for Master Benjamin."
And they were all laughing as they headed back to the house. One person was not, however. Jeff Galt, who had come back looking for the hat he had dropped in his rage, had seen Felicity kissing Ben. He had turned away, finally understanding why she would not tell him the reason for her refusal. He had a rival, and he was not happy about it. He left vowing revenge.
Authors note: The name Prentis comes from the Prentis store in Colonial Williamsburg now. I am grateful for all of the reviews I have gotten. I confess I am more interested in correctly presenting the history of the time period than I am of how I present the characters, but I have found the characters a great way to play with the historic timeline, and I am grateful for that..