My Time Aboard the Death Star
The Last One Standing
By Fairy Chipper
"Kanna, did I ever tell you about my time on the Death Star," the old man uttered.
Kana resisted the urge to repeated bang her head against the nearest hard surface. Sure it was interesting the first time she heard this tale, but the thousandth…
"Imperial officers were perhaps the best recruiters of all time and of the lot…Darth Vader was the best of them all. 'Come join the Empire, see, experience and interact with ancient, alien cultures, and then kill them all! For the elite, we promise shiny new uniforms. For the best of the best there was always the unspoken promise of a chance to don the latest black prosthetic suit and use a cool red lightsaber to cut your way through all the Empire's foes.' What kid with any Mandalorian blood running through his veins could resist that call?
"It was all lies and bore as much to reality as a nerf herder's right hand is akin to a certain princess in a chainmail bikini.
"Our disappointment was our armor. It was the lowest grade plastic that could be found. I cannot begin to think of how many bribes got paid to pass off that junk as armor. I remember my daddy's armor. It was metal…real Mandalorian weave. This new stuff…Jabba's dancing girls wore more effective armor. Hell, our daddy's stuff stood up to enraged Wookies. Our stuff, little Ewoks with rocks could beat us.
"Second, I was promised the most elite posting in the galaxy, a real chance to be on the front lines against the scum of the universe. I was number one in my stormtrooper class at the Carida Academy. I was promoted to Stormtrooper corporal upon graduation. The captain promised me a posting with Vader's 501st. What did I get…guarding an empty corridor on the Death Star. The only thing I saw cleaning droids and my sergeant randomly checking up on me.
"My orders were worse than I could ever image at the time. 'TK-421, guard this corridor. TK-421, make sure that cleaning droid M-O 1138 gives a protocal three dot five scrubbing on the floor every 28.2 standard minutes. TK-421 please make sure that you communicator is on Imperial propaganda frequency nine eighty.' It was never, 'TK-421 guard the sexy princess,' or 'TK-421 kill the rebel scum.' Hell, my blaster was virgin during my rookie assignment. While my classmates got to kill Rebel scum, the only action I was my shooting hand on my joystick while I stared at smuggled videos of Jabba's dancers waiting for that Twi'lek Oola's tit to pop out while she was dancing."
Kana knew exactly what was coming next. As a kid, her grandmother would clock her great-grandparent on the head with a steel girder to shut him up, but now there was no shutting the old man up.
"Worse yet, we got these doors that swoosh or crash. Imaging 180 ton doors crashing shut faster than a squadron of Tie fighters racing back to the bar after a battle. More than one stormtrooper got his career terminated by those blast doors.
"Even worst was the small doors that lead to our quarters. When I was off duty, I could not enjoy the privacy of my sleep cubical without my door swooshing every fifteen minutes or so. There was no override or lock that allowed me any privacy. No it swoosh…swoosh…swoosh every time somebody walked by. Even clones need a little privacy.
"I was frankly getting stir crazy. Even clones need recreation and I was not a clone. I couldn't take it anymore. There were no females aboard save for some prisoners scheduled for termination and there were officer in line for viewing the video feed of them taking a shower. I was stuck enjoy my pictures of a certain princess caught on a nude beach on Alderaan when Vader walked by my door.
"Being on the Death Star was supposed to be a career enhancing posting, however the door swooshed open just as I was shooting my personal blaster. Vader, having got a facial, looked at me and gave me the Conan Motti treatment (Choking but still alive). It could be worst, most of the time, I would have gotten the Raymus Antilles (Choke until dead), but Vader was too cruel to be that merciful.
"I got forced choked …my ticket to stormtrooper officer school got rerouted. Vader confiscated my nude Princess Leia photos and personally 'recruited me' to join the Torrent Company of the 501st. My father was proud that I was in his former unit and told that my new commander was the best commander he ever had. Thankfully, Vader did not tell anyone exactly why I was made his orderly…a.k.a. bitch.
"TK-421, scrub my helmet. TK-421, clean up the remains of this idiot I just choked. TK-421, my 'freshly-made' hot coco is too cold, kill the mess hall crew. TK-421, that rebel just pissed and shat himself, kill him and clean up the area. TK-421, fluff my pillow and read me a bedtime story. TK-421, make sure that you get ambushed by the rebel scum hiding in that junk freighter.
"It was the assignment from hell. The only assignments that would be worse than being Vader's bitch was being either one of Jabba's bitches or Emperor Palpatine's bitch, a.k.a. Vader. Palpatine literally screwed Vader's arse and Vader figuratively screwed mine without any lubrication. My only hope was for some other idiot to earn his way onto Vader's shit list. If Vader knew that Leia's was his daughter on Bespin, Han Solo would have been Vader's new bitch and I would have been free. But no…there was no escaping Vader.
"Other than that time we boarded the Tantive IV, we were not allowed to kill Rebel scum. Sure I finally got to devirginize my E-11 by killing some Jawas and a couple buddies of mine got to blast two moisture farmers away, but the rest of the time, we were order to not hit anyone. We were supposed to let them escape thinking that they were good enough until we could find their main base.
"It was hell. We stormtroopers of the 501st were supposed to be the elite of the elite. No one was supposed to be as precise as we were with our E-11 blaster rifles. In the end, all we got to was graze our targets. We weren't even allowed flesh wounds. Our squad leaders were allowed one leg-shot or arm graze per engagement and do you think that they would let us be the lucky one to shot that one good shot…Hell no. The only reason that my targets were able to reproduce was that I was good enough to miss their reproductive organs by a centimeter. Our reputation as being Vader's White Death was in tatters. We went from the being Vader's elite to being the poster child for Imperial Marksmanship Academy dropouts.
"No, the 501st was Vader's fist, but instead of striking down Vader's foes, we got be his proctologists, just digging into the univerise's bunghole and pulling out shit. I was so happy when Vader ordered me to get ambushed on that Cornellian frieghter. Getting knocked out seem like action. Afterwards, the few of us on the Death Star were ordered back to the Executor, just in time to avoid the First Death Star fiasco at Yavin."
The old man closed his eyes and started snoring. Kana resister the urge to yelp in excitement. Here was her chance to slip away before he got into the Battle of Hoth. She did not want to hear again about stormtroopers deliberately pissing in their armor in a futile attempt to stay warm.