Please remember that this story is listed under humor/parody. It's supposed to be funny, not be cannon.
Same disclaimer as last chapter, unfortunately.
Harry stared at the sign above the door with his head cocked to the side, seemingly in thought. In all actuality, though, he was wondering how hard it would be to escape with Ginny and where he could get a corn dog with mustard.
Lavender squealed. "Oooh! I love therapy! It means I can talk about myself! I love talking about myself! And it means I can talk about others without getting in trouble! Oooh! This is brilliant! I love Professor Dumbledore so much right now that I could kiss him!"
Padma stared at her sister's best friend in horror.
"Professor Dumbledore is gay," Blaise told her casually.
Lavender ignored him. "This means I can talk about Harry and Ginny's apparent abortion, what I think about Hermione's perm, why I think Draco is gay, where I found Hannah and Neville last friday, all about how perfect I am, and…"
Everyone tuned Lavender out as she rambled to herself.
The lady behind the glass slowly slid it out of the way, jumping as everyone whipped around and pointed their wands at her. "Eek! Why are you all pointing sticks at me?"
Susan rolled her eyes and walked up to the counter. "Hi! We're here with an appointment. I'm guessing it's under the name of Dumbledore?" Susan asked the lady kindly.
The lady smiled at her briefly before dropping her eyes to a list. "Ah," she nodded. "Yes, very well. You're booked for the extra large group room for the next week."
Draco, who strolled up to listen in, made a choking noise and his eyes bulged.
"What is it, Drakey-poo?" Pansy asked worriedly as she scurried over to his side.
Astoria rolled her eyes at Daphne.
Draco was apparently too horrified to speak. All he could get out was little stammers of "we-we-week," and "my f-fa-fa-fath-father."
Blaise walked over to his roommate and frowned when he saw the look on his face. He looked like he had the one time he got a letter from his father that was actually supposed to be for his mother in his third year. The poor child wasn't the same for weeks afterwards. Blaise waved his hand around in front of Draco's face, impressed with the way he didn't blink. "I think Draco is broke!"
Ron cheered. "Yes!"
Pansy whirled around and pointed her wand at him, a snarl on her pug-like face. "What do you think you are celebrating for?"
Hermione gave a small start and took out her own wand and pointed it at Pansy. "Back off, Pansy."
The lady at the glass was watching them all nervously. "Yes," she laughed nervously. "I can see why you're booked for a week…"
Everyone ignored her. The boys were too busy taking bets on who would win if it came down to a cat fight, and the girls were all watching fascinated as Pansy unwisely went up against one of the deadliest duelers in the school, only second behind Harry.
"I wonder if Hermione is even aware of what her reaction is giving the impression of," Padma said amusedly to her twin.
Parvati laughed. "I don't know. I mean, everyone's known that they've been in love with each other for like ever, so this isn't very surprising.
Padma nodded. "Exactly! Hmm. I wonder if we should break them up…" she trailed off, watching as the two witches stood with their wands pointed at each other and fierce looks in their eyes.
"I won't. You can if you'd like, though," Parvati told her sister sweetly.
Padma stared at them for a moment. "Yeah, you're right. I'll just let them be."
Parvati nodded. "They can work it out."
"CHILDREN!" the lady behind the desk shouted, startling them all. Harry was gripping Ginny tightly in his arms with his wand pointed at the lady, Hermione and Parvati were so startled their wands fell, the boys all dropped their sickles as they jumped, and many of the girls jumped as well. "The therapist is ready to see you now. So if you would all follow me…" the lady said.
"Will this harm my girlfriend in any way?" Harry barked at her.
The lady was obviously shocked. "N-no, sir. It shouldn't…"
Ginny smacked Harry lightly on the chest. "Honestly, Harry. Tom isn't going to pop out of thin air and shout "Surprise!" Relax a little, alright?" she told him sternly.
Harry smiled sheepishly. "I know, I just get so nervous sometimes…" he trailed off. "And I know Tom wouldn't shout "Surprise!" Tom would laugh maniacally and shout an Unforgivable. Probably not 'Imperio' after what happened last time he tried that, but still. The other two aren't pleasant, I can tell you that."
The lady coughed, alerting everyone to her presence again as everyone was watching the couple avidly. The lady had moved out of her glass box thing and was standing in front of a hallway. "It's this way, everyone!" she called over her shoulder as she started down the hallway. She walked down the long hallway to the very end and paused at the door on the right. "Dr. Harmuth will be with you all momentarily."
The large group of teenagers followed her into the large, bright room. The walls were painted a bright sky blue, with paintings of various beaches and seashells adorning the walls. The entire back wall was a large window, hence the brightness of the room. There was a large conference table in the middle that had about fifteen seats, and two dark blue couches lined the opposite walls. Harry immediately went over to a couch with Ginny, Ron, and Hermione. Draco, who was led by Pansy, Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle went to the other one, leaving the remaining students to seat themselves around the table.
The large group's attention was caught as they all watched the door open to reveal a tall, thin, severe looking woman wearing a black suit walk into the room. "Hello, everyone. My name is Dr. Harmuth, and I will be working with you all individually, coupled, and as a whole for this next week. When I am not with you, my associate, Dr. Rex will be working with you. I am required to inform you that these sessions will be recorded." All of the Purebloods and Half-bloods stared at her blankly. "Now, how about we start with everyone introducing themselves?" she asked, though it was more of an order, as she went over to the empty seat left for her at the head of the table.
"Who should start?" Hermione piped up anxiously.
"I'll start first, dear. My name is Dr. Carly Harmuth, I am thirty years old, I have been a therapist for four years now, and I love my job. It's so interesting to meet new people with new things to work out, and I'm never bored or frightened. I hope you all will come to feel the same way by the time this week is up," she listed.
"That's nice. But I meant which one of us should start?" Hermione asked impatiently.
Dr. Harmuth smiled and glanced down at the clipboard with a notepad she brought with her. She also brought a small, black video tape recorder and pressed a button on it. "I have orders with a Professor Dumbledore to start with his favorite student, a Mr. Harry Potter," she read, before frowning. "That was a joke, right?"
No one laughed. Everyone stared at the blushing Harry.
"Harry is Professor Dumbledore's favorite, sir. But he's everyone's favorite," Terry grinned.
Dr. Harmuth nodded tightly. "I see, I see. Now, Mr. Potter?"
Harry blushed again. "Well, I'm Harry Potter. People call me Harry, usually."
"Or The Chosen One," Dean added.
"Or The-Boy-Who-Lived," Seamus inserted seriously.
"Or a crazy, psychopath, deranged, dirty liar depending on the year," Ron added teasingly.
Dr. Harmuth stared at them all blankly before turning to Harry. "What do they mean by all that, Mr. Potter?" she asked sharply.
"My parents were murdered when I was one and I lived," Harry responded tiredly.
Ginny rubbed small circles into his hand with her thumb.
"And because of that people call me The-Boy-Who-Lived. Now they're calling me The Chosen One because they believe I'm the one who can defeat Voldemort," Harry continued.
"Voldemort?" Dr. Harmuth interrupting, noticing everyone flinch violently at the name.
Harry nodded. "Yeah. He's this megalomaniac that kills for fun. I'm his main target. He's wanted me since I was born."
Dr. Harmuth furrowed her brow. "How is it that this is the first time I'm hearing of this 'Voldemort' character?"
"Because you're a filthy muggle," Draco spat, unable to contain himself.
"Draco!" Pansy said gently. "There is no need to defile yourself by talking to it."
Dr. Harmuth looked vaguely offended. "I see…."
Harry continued to talk, ignoring the outburst from the Slytherin. "I'm also called everything that Ron kindly listed about every other year, depending on the situation."
"I see."
"I'm sixteen, I'm in my second to last year of schooling, my girlfriend is Ginny Weasley," Harry broke off to smile lovingly at Ginny, who sat next to him. "And my two best friends are Ron Weasley," he nudged Ron, "And Hermione Granger," he finished, smiling over at Hermione.
Dr. Harmuth nodded, jotting something down quickly on her notepad. "Very good. Thank you, Harry. It is nice to meet you."
"Likewise," Harry murmured back politely after a jab from Ginny.
"We'll move on to Ginny," Dr. Harmuth stated.
Ginny smiled widely. "Excellent! Alright, let's see. My name's Ginevra Weasley, but if you call me Ginevra I'll be forced to do bad things to you. I'm dating Harry Potter, obviously, my best friends are Hermione and Emily, who isn't here currently. I'm a year younger than almost everyone here, I like reading, and my favorite food is mashed potatoes. Anything else?" she asked the therapist.
Dr. Harmuth smiled. "No. Thank you, Ginny. Wonderful job. Ronald Weasley, you next, please."
Ron glanced up at her with apprehension. "Do I have to?"
Dr. Harmuth smiled kindly at him. "It will just be a quick introduction, Ronald. Nothing to worry about."
Ron nodded uncertainly. "…Alright, if you say so… I'm Ronald Weasley, but everyone calls me Ron. I'm the youngest of six brothers, I have jealousy issues, I have an inferiority complex, I have Arachnophobia, and I love those muggle singers Mariah Carey and Celine Dion."
Justin and Ernie snickered.
"Stop it, you two," Dr. Harmuth said sharply without looking away from Ron. "Thank you for sharing, Ron," she told him in a much more gentle voice.
Ron smiled at her slightly before resting back into the couch.
"Hermione, was it?" Dr. Harmuth asked Hermione.
Hermione nodded excitedly. "Yes, my name's Hermione Granger."
"Nice to meet you, Hermione! Would you care to tell us a bit about yourself?"
"Not at all!" Hermione beamed. "Let's see… my parents are dentists, and they own their own practice. I absolutely adore books."
"No!" Lavender gasped sarcastically.
Hermione ignored her and continued on. "I love to read in my spare time. That's all I do, really. Other than study, and hang out with Harry, Ron, and Ginny. I'm also in my second to last year of school, unfortunately, and this week away is really going to cut into my study schedule," she bit her lip worriedly. "I'll manage somehow…"
"That was excellent, Hermione! Good job! Now how about you?" she asked, turning to Neville.
Neville looked down. "I'm Neville. I have a pet toad, Trevor, who I think is evil, and I'm better friends with Harry and Ron than Dean and Seamus," Harry and Ron grinned at him, while Dean and Seamus mock pouted. "I live with my grandmother, who's very scary. I have a bad memory, and I love plants."
Dr. Harmuth smiled and nodded. "Thank you!"
"I'll go now!" Dean said excitedly. "Alright. Yo, I'm Dean Thomas, I'm also in my second to last year of school, and I'm totally still in love with Ginny and am resentful to Harry for stealing her from me even though she broke up with me," he stated happily.
Dr. Harmuth eyed him, then Harry, warily. "Thank you, Dean."
"My turn!" Seamus shouted. "My best mate is Dean. I'm Irish, as everyone is well aware of, and they all make fun of me. Everyone also thinks I'm a pyromaniac because of all of the things I set on fire."
She stared at him. "You set things on fire?" she asked in a worried tone, clearly fearing for her lovely building.
Seamus, realizing this, laughed. "Not on purpose, of course!"
Dr. Harmuth looked faint. "So you set many things on fire on accident?" she asked cautiously.
Seamus bobbed his head up and down. "Exactly!"
"Right," she muttered, scribbling something down on her notebook. "Thank you for sharing, Dean."
"No problem, madam!" He grinned.
"My name's Lavender," Lavender spoke up as soon as she saw the therapist's eyes on her. "I'm misunderstood," she said simply.
"And why's that, Lavender?" Dr. Harmuth asked gently.
Lavender smiled. "Well, it's because I'm so flawless and perfect. I make people feel inferior. I can't help it, though. It's not my fault that I'm naturally gorgeous, right?" she asked worriedly.
Dr. Harmuth smiled slightly. "Of course not."
"My name's Parvati, and I'm a twin," Parvati continued the chain of introductions, winking over at her sister. "I love reading gossip magazines. It's a bad habit, I suppose," she giggled. "I have a love for shiny hair accessories and Christina Aguilera. I also like that Leonardo DiCaprio bloke who's in that new movie coming out. He looks delish!"
Dr. Harmuth nodded and wrote something done. "Thank you for sharing, Parvati," she said warmly as she continued to write.
Padma sighed. "I'll go after Parvati. It only makes sense, after all. Hmm. Let's see… I love to read, like Hermione. We'll sometimes study together in the library with Lisa and Tracey, but neither of them are here… My parents are strict, and want me to work hard in my studies. I also love apple tart."
Terry sat up a bit straighter as the therapist directed her gaze to him and smiled. "Hi! I'm Terry. My friends call my Big T or T-dog, but you can just call me Terry if you'd like," he said, laughing along with Michael. "I'm in my second to last year of school also, and I love it where we all go. I think the Headmaster is kind of mad, but all the good people are," he winked at Harry, who scowled.
"I'm not mad, am I?" Harry whispered to Ginny.
Ginny snickered softly. "Absolutely."
"And when I graduate I want to be one of those, oh, what's the muggle term? Doctors! I want to be a Doctor!"
Dr. Harmuth seemed confused as to what a muggle was, but didn't say anything about it.
Michael snorted. "I'm in my second to last year also, and love sports. I also want to be a Doctor when I graduate, and am working an internship with the school Doctor right now."
"That's wonderful!" Dr. Harmuth exclaimed, writing something down again.
"I'm Hannah," Hannah introduced herself shyly. "I'm in the same year as everyone else, and I'm really interested in plants. I tend to act before I listen to the whole story, which is something I'm working on. I also really like garlic bread, even though it leaves your breath smelly."
Susan smiled at her friend before turning back to the therapist. "I'm Susan! I try to always be positive and happy, and I like to think I'm a good investigator after my Auntie," a sad look came on her face. "My Auntie was killed over the summer, you see, so it's still hard for me. My best friend is Hannah, and I love mu- rollerblading," she finished, catching herself at the end to not say 'muggle.'
She smiled. "It's wonderful to meet you two."
"I'm Justin!" Justin announced excitedly. "I am judgmental, or so my mum says, I am sarcastic, I'm not very trusting, my best mate is Ernie over here," he laughed, patting Ernie, who was sitting on the chair next to him, on the back. "I don't like snakes, and I want a pet hippo."
"My name is Ernie," Ernie said pompously, and rather loudly too. "I also do not like snakes. I can get freaked out easily, which isn't good when Justin invites me over for scary movies. I mean, have you seen some of those things? Terrifying! I can be loud sometimes," he said with a grin.
"No kidding!" Justin muttered.
Dean quickly turned his laughter into a coughing fit.
"And I enjoy school clubs and standing up for what is right," he finished regally, his head in the air.
"Very admirable, Ernie," Dr. Harmuth complimented.
Ernie beamed. "Why, thank you!"
Dr. Harmuth nodded and turned to the Slytherin couch expectantly.
Blaise noticed this and nudged Draco. "Your turn, mate!"
Draco pouted sullenly. "I don't want to talk to her. I'm perfect just the way I am."
"No you're not, Draco. Don't kid yourself! You'll never amount to be anything in life! You're just about as worthless as your father!" Blaise said cheerfully.
Pansy scowled. "You're not helping you useless prat."
Blaise shrugged.
Pansy rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll deign myself to this… therapist," she spat, her nose wrinkled. "Alright. My name is Pansy. I am insecure, I think muggles are a waste of space and life, I want to join Voldemort, I hate puppies, and I really like Celine Dion."
"Me too!" Ron yelped excitedly, before realizing he was agreeing with a Slytherin. "I mean, Celine Dion sucks. She's a girl. She should go back to Canada, or wherever the hell she came from."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Right. That's exactly what you meant."
Ron raised a finger threateningly. "Don't you bloody start with me, woman!"
"Excuse me? What did you just say?" Hermione asked threateningly back, her eyebrows raised.
"That you're pretty and smart and deserve chocolates and flowers?" Ron squeaked.
Hermione smiled pleasantly. "That's what I thought you said."
Ron nodded fervently.
"Whipped!" Seamus coughed.
Draco stood up dramatically. "MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"
Terry, who was sitting next to Dr. Harmuth to her right, grinned as he heard her muttering what she was writing out loud "Clearly has issues with making decisions. Brings up father often. Could be compensating for something?"
Harry snorted. "That's all you need to know about Draco, Dr. Harmuth."
Dr. Harmuth looked up from her frantic writing and nodded her head hesitantly. "Right then… and you two are?" she asked sternly, staring at Crabbe and Goyle.
"We don't think they know how to speak," Michael told her helpfully.
Dean nodded. "Yeah, we think all they know how to do is grunt and point."
Crabbe grunted, pointed at Dean, made a fist, and smashed it into his other palm.
"Exactly my point," Dean stated.
Dr. Harmuth looked worried. "That's not healthy at all…" she mumbled fretfully.
Lavender nodded excitedly. "Oh, you should hear some of the stories going around about them! I'll tell you all of them when we have a more private session, of course," Lavender trilled.
Dr. Harmuth got up from her chair suddenly and dashed quickly out of the room. Everyone could distinctly hear her muttering about "Needing kegs of alcohol to get me through this… must call Marissa to ship bottles over…"
"That went well," Blaise laughed.
Everyone but Ginny laughed with him. When Harry noticed this, he looked down at her with a frown. "Is something wrong, Ginny?" he murmured in her ear.
She shook her head distractedly, staring at the table.
"What is it, then?" Harry asked curiously.
She glanced up at him before looking back at the table. "She left her notebook."
The small conversations going around the room ceased at that statement.
"No!" Hannah gasped.
"Excellent!" Parvati squealed.
Let me know what you all thought, please. (: