Chapter Two: Open Wound
The next morning came early. Dean woke with a pounding headache, and in Cas' arms. Cas didn't have to sleep, so he'd held Dean all night while Dean slept. Dean's eyes took in Cas, and he was reminded again that his mother had left. He couldn't keep the tears from welling up. "Cas….. she's still gone." Dean didn't know where to start with how he felt. He fisted the covers, trying to keep himself calm. "She could be with us, and she's choosing to be away from us." Dean wished he could be more eloquent in what he wanted to say on that regard. He buried his head in Cas' neck, glad that he could do that now. Dean didn't know how he was going to make it through this without Cas.
"I wasn't enough for her." Dean said, his voice wobbling as he said it. Dean couldn't believe that Mary had left. She had talked about being in heaven, and she missed John, and that she missed Sam and Dean as they were in heaven. She didn't seem to want to get to know Dean and Sam as they were now. That hurt Dean more than he could say. "She…. she didn't want me, Cas. She is walking away from me and Sam because we aren't her Dean and Sam." He sounded hurt that she had chosen to walk away.
Dean lifted his head to look at Cas. "She…. she walked out of my life." Dean said, his eyes full of tears. He was crying, big sobbing breaths that were rocking his whole body. He had never been like this with Cas before, and it felt amazing. He was glad that he could just let himself be with Cas, no fear. He looked into Cas' eyes.
"What am I gonna do, Cas?"
Cas hated the sound of hurt and pain in Dean's voice. He sounded as if he was in agony. Cas hated that Dean felt like it was him that had made his mother leave. It wasn't good for Dean to think that he hadn't been enough for his mother. Cas touched Dean's face, cupping his jaw. "Dean, you are good enough. Your mother… I am sure she had her reasons, but you not being enough isn't one of them. You love your mother. Dean, you are good. You try to help people, you risk your life daily to help people. You've literally died for people to be safe."
He hated that Dean saw himself that way, that he wasn't good enough. Cas kissed Dean, softly and tenderly. Showing him all the love that he had in him for Dean. He looked into Dean's green eyes. "You are good, Dean." Castiel didn't know what he was going to say to get Dean to believe that. He knew that the other man didn't believe and he didn't know how to get him to see.
"I know that I can't force you to believe that, but you are the best person that I know."
When Cas told him that, when he had so much faith in Dean, it made him love Cas that much more. Dean ran his hand through Cas' hair, running his fingers through Cas' black locks. It was gorgeous hair. Dean wished that he could believe that he was good, like Cas said. Dean had done a lot of questionable things. He couldn't count them on one hand, they were too many to list.
"She saw I was a bad person, Cas, and she left." Dean said, barely able to get the words out. He buried his head in Cas' neck. Dean was so messed up right now. He could barely keep it together. He didn't know what he was going to do without his mother. He was going to die a little every day knowing that she was out there living her life, away from him. And it was what she had chosen. Dean was getting short of breath just thinking about it.
His heart started to pound, and Dean could feel the panic attack coming on. He didn't know how to stop it. Cas wrapped both of his arms around Dean, and held him as Dean started to panic. He wasn't going to know if anything happened to her. She was most likely going to be safe, because everyone thought she was dead. She couldn't go out and be Mary Winchester. She was going to have to come up with a fake name.
"Cas, I can't calm down."
When Dean told him that, sounding more broken than Cas had ever heard him, he pressed kisses all along Dean's face. "Dean, I'm right here. I'm going to be here for as long as you'll have me. It's okay. I love you, and this is not your fault. You are a good person, and you can't say that you weren't enough for your mother. It was her choice to leave. She chose to leave you because of things that you can't control."
He wasn't sure of what Mary's reasons were, but he had to imagine that she must have been in heaven, and so her Dean and Sam had been baby Sam and four year old Dean. Castiel didn't know what that must have been like for her, to have to adjust to her sons being men, and John being dead in this world. Cas knew what it was like to be cast out of heaven and want to go back. He could understand that part of it. He could understand feeling like you didn't belong. He didn't want to say that to Dean, though, he didn't want to upset him.
"I love you, Dean, more than anything in this world." Cas whispered in his ear, stroking Dean's back in a soothing gesture. He wanted Dean to know that he was safe, and he could let go with Cas. Castiel wished that he could make Dean believe that he was a good man. That his mother leaving, that was on her, not him. "I'm right here, Dean, you can fall."
When Cas told him that he was there for him, Dean let go, sobbing on Cas' shoulder. His grip on the angel tightened, holding onto him like a life preserver, as if he was drowning. Dean didn't know if he was going to be able to handle knowing that his mother was choosing to live her life without her children. Dean had felt a lot of pain in his life, but nothing felt like this. Losing Cas had almost felt this bad, Dean had known that Cas was family for a long time now. Something about the angel had stuck with Dean ever since he'd first met him. He just wasn't sure what it was. Dean had dreamed about the other man's eyes for years. Since they first met.
He was working on getting his breathing back, he couldn't feel Cas' heartbeat against his. He wanted to feel that, feel that closeness. He pressed as close to Cas as he could, glad they were both still shirtless. Dean pressed his flesh to Castiel, and he finally started to calm when he felt Cas' heart beating against his. He whispered in Cas' ear. "I love you, Castiel. I can't get through this without you." He wished that there were more words that were better than 'I love you'. He didn't think they were enough, to cover what he felt for Cas. Was this what Mary had felt about John? Was this why John had gone so crazy to get what killed her? Dean could understand being so crazy for Cas that he would go to the ends of the Earth to avenge him if something happened.
He was finally starting to calm down, feeling Cas' heart beating against his. He took deep sniffs of Cas' neck, trying to remind himself that Cas was here. "I understand my dad, Cas, why he went so crazy to get my mom back. If anything ever happened to you, I would stop at nothing to make sure that you were okay." Dean pulled back to look into Cas' eyes. "I won't ever be without you again." Dean told him, and he meant it more than he had ever meant anything in his life. He would go to the ends of the earth, spend his last breath, to save Cas from death, let alone avenge him. He didn't ever want to know how far he'd go to save Castiel.
That meant so much to Cas, that Dean compared them to John and Mary. They may have been tragic, but they loved each other above all else. John had never gotten over Mary, he had spent the rest of his life trying to avenge her death. He had died for Dean to finally get a break, so he didn't have to fight anymore. Castiel could get that, although he would never give up on finding out what happened to Dean if he were to die.
Before he could say anything, Sam poked his head in the room. Cas looked up at him, his arms still around Dean. He gave Sam a soft smile. It was brief, though. He knew Sam might not be up to smiling. He looked at Sam. "Is there something you would wish to say, Sam?" He asked. He had never been able to call Sam anything but Sam, he knew that Dean called him Sammy. Cas wasn't that informal. He hoped that Dean was okay with Sam seeing him this way. He knew how hard he tried to protect Sam.
Sam wasn't surprised to see Cas still in bed with Dean, and holding him close. Sam knew that Dean would let go with Castiel, where he wouldn't with Sam. Sam had been trying to get Dean to treat him like an adult for years now. He knew that Dean wasn't going to see it that way. Sam didn't know what he was going to do to get Dean to see him differently.
"Actually, can I talk to you guys for a second?" Sam asked, there wasn't anyone that he had to talk about it with. He let out a sigh. He wasn't sure that this was the best time to interrupt what was going on, but he had to get his feelings off his chest, too. He stepped into the room, and leaned against the door. He didn't know what he was going to start with. He looked into Dean's green eyes, which were so wet. Dean looked so broken. Sam didn't know how to change that. He was angry at their mother. Especially since Sam knew that Dean was blaming himself for Mary leaving.
"Dean, don't do this. Don't blame yourself for Mom leaving. Okay? You were enough. You are amazing, this was Mom's choice." Sam's tone was firm.
Without hesitation, Dean said, "I told her how happy I was that she was back, Sam! I let her in, I let myself believe that this was going to work out for us. I thought that Mom would be here." Dean could barely breathe, he was so disappointed that Mary had left. He was still clinging to Cas, glad that the blankets covered that they were still naked. He hated for Sam to see him this way, this broken. He always wanted to be the strong one for Sam. It was how he had been raising Sam his whole life. Dean had had to grow up fast, much faster than other kids had had to. But he couldn't blame John anymore, he got why John had been the way that he was.
"Sam, I'm going to be dead, knowing that she's out there every day, and I won't be able to keep her safe." Dean said. He saw that Mary could take care of herself, but she had died once before. There was no telling that she wouldn't die again. No one would be there to take care of her. "She left us, Sam. She could be here with us, but she is choosing to be away from us." Dean said. There were no words for how much that hurt. He knew that Sam had to be feeling the same way.
"See, Dean, I'm more angry than I am upset that she's gone. I hate that she's done this to you. Do you know what you just did? You were going to sacrifice yourself, take yourself away from me, from Cas. We're your family, Dean. The only family that you have left. You were going to kill yourself with Amara to take her down. Knowing that there was no way that you'd come back." Sam couldn't stress that enough to Dean. They had done everything that they could, but Dean had been prepared to make that sacrifice. Sam thought that was incredibly selfless.
"Don't let her make you feel that you aren't good enough." Sam said, he wished that he could make Dean see how good that was. How much that made him a good person. He couldn't get Dean to believe that he was worth it. That he was a brilliant human being. He didn't have to have gone to college, to be brilliant. No one had saved the earth as many times as Dean had. No, he hadn't always been perfect, but that didn't mean that he hadn't done his best.
"I missed her so much too, but I know that we're better off without her if she doesn't want to be with us." Sam hated to be the one to say those words, but he was glad that it had been him. He knew that Dean would never have said it. Sam didn't know her the way that Dean did. He knew that Dean had had four years with her that he hadn't had, "I know that you don't want me to say that. I know it. But it's true." Sam said, brushing his hand through his wet hair.
Dean could not believe that Sam had said that. "She's our mom, Sammy. She should be with us. Don't you think she should be trying to get to know us? We're family." Dean said, he couldn't imagine wanting to be away from Sam or Cas. Mary had chosen to leave them. Because Dean wasn't good enough. "Sam, you need to leave now. I don't need to hear you talking about Mom like that." Dean said, and wrapping the sheet around him, stood, and went to the door, standing by it, ready to close it.
He kept his gaze away from Sam, and stood there till Sam had walked out. He closed the door, turning to look at Cas. He wondered if Castiel felt the same way. He looked at Cas. "You don't feel the same way as him, do you?" Dean asked, going back to the bed and sitting with Cas. He hadn't gotten a chance to tell Sam that he and Castiel were engaged. Dean really needed Cas not to be on Sam's side in this issue. He didn't want to have to choose between Cas and his mother.
Cas wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know that Sam was wrong, but he didn't think that saying that would help. Dean was going to have to come to that decision on his own. Castiel couldn't imagine not being there to get to know your children that you hadn't seen in 33 years. Although it must have been hard to leave heaven where you had been with your husband and children. Cas couldn't imagine being in her shoes. But he knew how stubborn Dean was, and didn't see the point in saying so.
"Dean, you are right to feel upset about your mother leaving. She is your mother, and she's been gone for over 30 years. You can be upset about that. Especially since she chose it." Castiel said, ignoring the question that Dean had asked, because he didn't want to answer it falsely. He didn't want to lie to Dean, especially now.
The words sounded good. Dean looked at him, sussing him out. He wasn't sure if he completely believed that Cas didn't feel the same way as Sam. He thought that Cas' refusal to answer the question was telling, but he didn't want to fight. They were finally together, and it felt too good. Dean rubbed his hand over his face, mulling over what Cas had said.
"I need to get showered." Dean said, standing up, letting go of the sheet, letting it fall to the floor. He gave Cas a kiss. "I love you." He said, and went for the bathroom, letting Cas have a full view of his delicious bod as he walked, smirking to himself a bit. He couldn't help it. He knew he looked good.
Cas watched him go, not sure what was going to happen. Dean was either going to keep it all bottled up inside, or it was going to come out explosively. He wasn't sure which was going to be better, he wasn't sure which to hope for. He went to talk to Sam, after he'd gotten dressed, of course. He found Sam in the library, sitting at his computer.
"Hello, Sam." He said, as he entered the room.
Sam looked up when he heard the angel say his name. "Where's Dean?" He asked, not sure that he wanted to know. He knew Dean was pissed, but he wasn't going to take back what he'd said. He wanted Dean to know how good of a person he was, and that Mary leaving had nothing to do with him being a bad person. Sam was looking for a case, wanting to bury himself in work.
"I'm not taking back what I said, Cas. He needed to hear it."
"I'm not asking you to, Sam." Cas replied, sitting at the table across from Sam. He folded his hands on the table, staring at them before he started talking. "Dean is in the shower. I wanted to talk to you privately and I feel this is the time." He said, his speech still formal after all these years with the Winchesters. He looked at Sam. "You were right to say what you did, Sam. He needed to hear it. I am inclined to agree with you."
Cas wanted to tell Sam the happy news, but he couldn't take the joy of it away from his fiance. He knew that it would mean the world to Dean to be able to tell his brother that he had finally sealed the deal with him. Cas kept his steady blue eyed gaze on Sam. "He will calm down, and then you can fix this. He just needs some time. Dean might not ever think that he's worthy of love, Sam. I wish that he would. But he might be doomed to think that he isn't worthy. All we can do is show him that he is worthy of love." He said. It felt wrong to be talking about Dean like this with Sam, and he knew that if Dean knew he would blow his top. If that was still an expression. Cas wasn't exactly up on all the current slang.
"It kills me that he sees himself that way, Cas. He is worthy of so much good. I can't believe how much good Dean's done. He may not always go the best way about it, but he is good." Sam said, keeping his gaze on the computer screen. He didn't want to look Cas in the eye. Sam wasn't sure why. He kept his voice calm and even. "I don't like that he thinks that way about himself. Bad people don't give themselves up to save the world from extinction. And Dean has stopped the apocalypse every time."
He finally looked up at Cas. "If he'll listen to anyone, it's you. You have to tell him how good he is .I am sure that he'll believe you eventually. Also, I am very happy for you two. You deserve to be happy. Both of you. I have always known how you two feel, and I was hoping that you two would work it out." He ran his hand through his long brown hair.
"You need each other, Cas."
While they were talking, Dean was in the shower, letting the water run over him. It was cold, because he was trying to wake himself up. Plus, he was thinking about Cas, and it was a habit to take a cold shower when that happened. Dean leaned his head on the shower wall, his heart beating out of his chest. Dean didn't know what to do. He hated that he had lost his mother again. And it was still something that he couldn't control. He could feel the pain boiling up in his stomach.
He could feel the pain of Mary leaving filling up his chest. Dean didn't know what he was going to do. He felt like he was four years old again, although this time instead of Mary dying, she had left. Dean could feel the panic attack coming on, and he leaned his head harder against the shower wall, and ended up calling out to Cas.
"Cas! Please…. I need you!" He called out, in the grips of the panic attack, trying to catch his breath.
"I'm sorry, Sam." Cas said, and hurried to their bathroom, stepping inside the shower, not even bothering to take off his clothes he was in such a hurry to get to Dean. He stepped up and wrapped his arms around Dean, holding him close. He didn't want to change the seriousness of the situation, but he did notice that Dean was naked. Cas tried to keep his thoughts away from that, Dean was having a panic attack. He whispered in Dean's ear. "It's okay, Dean." He said, stroking Dean's back, not caring that he was getting soaked head to toe with the cold water.
Dean could barely focus on anything, even with Cas' arms around him. "Mom, why did you leave, Mom?" He asked, anguish in his voice, trying to keep himself from passing out. He didn't want to, and he was getting more upset by the moment. He let himself feel it, curling into a ball in the corner of the shower, the water running over him, it turned warm, Cas turned the water to warm to keep Dean from freezing. Dean let the water run over him, the pain felt crippling, and he didn't want to leave the shower.
"Why wasn't I enough?" He asked painfully, his heart aching. Dean wished he could go back in time, to try and convince his mother to stay, instead of backing off when she'd tried to hug him. Sam had let her, before she'd walked out. Dean couldn't breathe, he was feeling the pain so much it was immobilizing him. "Cas, I can't…. I can't move." Dean managed to get out, his voice barely above a whisper.
Cas moved about Dean, washing him. He started with Dean's hair, Dean wasn't fighting him at all. Castiel washed Dean's hair, letting the water run through it carefully, not wanting to get soap in Dean's eyes. He soaped up Dean's body, running over him with the loofah. He moved slowly, letting the water warm Dean, and he let Dean feel the pain, he didn't want him to be upset, but it was the easiest way to get past this. He whispered in Dean's ear. "It's okay, you can move when you're ready, love." He told him this confident that Dean would at least be able to move enough to get out of the shower.
When he had gotten Dean clean, he turned off the water, and after a couple of tries, Dean stood, and they stood while Castiel toweled him dry, and then got him to the bed, where he sat him down so he could get out things for Dean to wear. Dean had suddenly gone catatonic. Cas didn't know what to do, but he did his best to make sure Dean was taken care of, this was the only thing that he could think to do.
"Dean, are you okay?" Cas asked, hoping that he could get Dean to reply, Dean hadn't said anything to him the entire time during the shower. Once Dean was in some fresh pjs, Castiel got out of his wet clothes and put on some dry ones. He wondered what he was going to do if Dean stayed like this. It wouldn't be good for any of them. Hunting would fall by the wayside, and that wasn't good when Lucifer was on the loose.
"Dean?"
He heard that Cas was talking to him, but he didn't seem to be able to reply. He was sitting on the bed, in the pjs that Cas had put on him, and he tried to find the words to answer his fiance. He ran his hand across his chin, and kept staring into space. Dean didn't know what jhe was going to do without Mary. He just wanted his mom to be with him. Why was this happening? She was back from the dead. Not that Dean didn't sympathize, it had happened to him before. It could be disorienting. Of course, with Mary it was different, she'd been gone longer than just a few months. Although, Dean had been through hell and torture for forty years, once you'd been through something like that, it changed your perspective.
Dean realized that he couldn't reply to Cas, and he turned to look at him. He tried to form the words, but he couldn't. His mouth fell open, but nothing came out. He was shaking, as if he was cold, but Dean knew it wasn't that at all. He was in shock. Dean didn't think that that was normal, especially for him, he had already seen so much more than most people did their whole lives. All he could do was stare at Cas helplessly, his mouth working and no sound coming out.
"It's okay, Dean, you don't have to talk." Cas told him, taking Dean in his arms as he joined him on the bed. Cas of course didn't need to sleep, but he was looking forward to watching Dean sleep. He kept Dean pulled close. "You can talk when you're ready. You will be okay, Dean. I promise." Castiel said, taking note of Dean's current state, he could talk to Sam about it, he had never seen a human like this before and he wanted to be able to handle it. Dean was his entire life. Everything he had done since he had met Dean was all for him. Even if he didn't always know that was why.
"Come on, I know that it's morning, but you need some more sleep." Castiel said, getting him to lay back in the bed. He settled in next to him, wondering what he was going to do about Dean. He wasn't sure how to handle any of this, even after all of this time on earth he was working on learning human emotions and what went along with that. He watched Dean, who was leaning against Cas, staring into space. Castiel was extremely worried that Dean was going to slip into bad habits, he'd heard from Sam when things got too tough for Dean to handle he took it really hard.
He watched as Dean's eyes slipped closed, and he held him until he fell asleep, and then slowly moved out from under him, he had to go and talk to Sam. He left Dean in the bed, and went to find Sam, who was in the kitchen. "Sam? May we continue our conversation?" Cas asked him, watching as Sam was making breakfast for himself. He waited until Sam had turned to face him.
"I am worried about Dean. I think that he's going catatonic. I don't know how to deal with that, it's never happened to anyone I know."
That was the last thing that Sam wanted to hear. "Oh shit…. Cas….." Sam said, his eyes widening. He didn't know what was going to work. Dean didn't have anyone but him and Cas, it's not like he could call Bobby and ask his opinion. He didn't know what he was going to do if Dean really was going catatonic. He knew that Dean wouldn't want to take pills or anything, so that wasn't going to help anything. Sam thought Dean definitely needed some or therapy, not that he didn't need it, Sam definitely could use some couch time.
"I don't know what we're going to do, Cas….. I wish that Mom hadn't taken off…. I'd be able to call her and ask for her advice. I can't exactly do that with this, it's her fault that he's like this." Sam didn't know what he was going to say to Mary if he had to call her about Dean. There was no telling how far Dean was going to take this, if it was what Cas thought that it was. "He won't talk at all? Nothing?" He asked, feeling immediately let down when Cas nodded that that was correct. Sam felt his heart drop a thousand feet. He didn't know what to do.
"I'm at a loss, Cas…. I wish I could do something more." Sam knew that it had to be bad, he had called for Cas while he was in the shower. Dean never called for help like that. Only when there was no other option did Dean ask for help. They were going to be able to handle this, right? Sam hoped so. He really couldn't lose Dean. He paced a bit, still keeping an eye on the eggs.
"We can save him, Cas, I know that we can."
Author's note: So…. apparently this isn't finished. I have no idea how much longer it will be, but I hope that ya'll are enjoying. I wasn't so sure what ya'll would think of Sam's thoughts on Mary, and I don't necessarily think what Sam said, but it still felt like the right thing for Sam to do. Anyway, I hope ya'll liked the new update, and I hope that I will have something new for you soon. XD.