"Hey! you're banjaxed!
Hey! you're screwed!
And death is coming for you!
Trapped on an island lost at sea!
Shipwrecked you'll cease to be!" – Alestorm.

Oh bollocks, what the fuck is that?

What am I going to do?

Panicking Sep searched the ground for anything he could lay his hands on, something hard, something heavy. Anything!

Oh please don't let that fucking thing see me, but unfortunately despite his silent wishes the gatecrasher continued to head in his direction. Shambling to less than 25 feet away. Piss off you ugly shit. Just go away.

There! He silently exclaimed spotting a fair sized but manageable tree branch lying on the ground some 8 feet away. Cracked and semi-rotten it never the less would pack some weight and hopefully send crackhead over there to never, never land. While he was thinking this the ugly thing seems to have gotten distracted and was sniffing the air like some kind of dog or snake, it would almost be comical if it wasn't for how menacing it seemed.

Then seemingly at random it started to turn away following some scent. Oh thank you Freyja for being downwind. Then without warning it turned back as a shift in the breeze catched its attention. Fuck you Loki.

How can I get to the branch? Will it notice? Will I be quick enough if it does?

Sep was not terribly agile nor the quickest man in the world. Despite using dumbbells twice a day and jogging every evening too much sleeping and fast food had left him unfit even if he was still a happy weight. And despite its loping gait he was pretty sure this not-so-friendly friend was no slouch if he needed to be. The indecision was killing Sep as he waited with baited breath hoping that it would skulk on its merry way, but to no prevail as the lizard-zombie's eyes continued to scan the area. Stooping to the ground it inhaled deeply.

It looks almost apelike hunched over like that, this is definitely not good. Is it 'tracking' me? Mr ugly started to gurgle softly to itself as it moved in an almost spiderlike fashion up to a tree that not long ago Sep had grazed his hand on, catching himself on the way to the 'poop site'. No way how does he know I've been there? He can't know that.

Slowly it began to pull itself upright still emitting that wet gurgling sound from it as it's head reached the point of the tree Sep had touched before. Equally as slowly and wishing the thing would Fuck off he begin to shift his weight and take a step towards the fallen branch, I have to reach it.

'Crack!'

"Oh you fucking cocksucker!" Sep shouted as Zombido snapped around and stared with milky reptilian eyes towards his location. He knew exactly where he was now due to his carelessness breaking a twig and the outburst. Sep was also sure the ugly mug could see him now as both where stood upright.

For Sep that moment lasted for an age then with a start fight or flight kicked in and he scarpered for the branch as the hunter came bounding towards him in almost graceful strides. Sep managed to grasp the makeshift club as a horizontal slash comes arching towards his neck. Ducking he lifted the 'big stick' to deflect the blow, which he succeeded in doing. Unfortunately for him the wooden weapon broke, with an echoing 'snap' and a shower of splinters. As the assailant lifted his sword in both hands for a downward stroke he seized the one chance he had.

The fucking thing isn't wearing any pants! Sep mused as he thrust his free arm forward and up between its legs with as much force as possible.

To this the creature for all its horrid inhumanness had a very human reaction… Rolling its eyes to the back of its head and with a deep grunt it collapsed backwards, hands tightly clasped between shut legs. OUCH! I know that feeling; Sep mused at the back of his mind sharing the thought of sympathy all men feel for such an incident before frantically he scrambled forward, landing on top of the creature and preceding to smack the remains of the branch into its head, repeatedly bludgeoning the already disgusting face into even more of a mess as with dull cracks the skull began to split.

Scrambling again to his feet Sep continued to kick at the unmoving creature for a few more moments, until panting he began to calm and take stock of what exactly it was, although battered beyond recognition the creature's features where still discernable; jagged fanglike teeth that to Sep seemed reminiscent of an Anglerfish and an Uruk'hai's mixed protruded from its shattered jaw line, its eye sockets seemed to of been gaunt and skull like with crusty yellow reptilian eyes sporting a glazed almost milky sheen. Deep purple blood and brain matter was leaking over its once pulsating diseased white skin mottled with yellow and green scales in haphazard groups surrounding vile pustules seeping black ichor, a few strands of wispy black hair where visible from the mess… Taken with its impressive muscular frame and its rusted and jagged equipment Sep recognised it with a sick sense of dread…

"HOLY SHITTING PROPHET ON A STICK IT'S A DARSPAWN!"

As he processed this a scratching roar ripped through the air… There's more of them?... Unfortunately for Sep, as is well known in Thedas. The Darkspawn. Always. Move. In Packs.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!"

"UurrRaaaaaaarrrrgh!"

"shitttttt!"

Sep ran full pelt through the woods yelling obscenities to the sky, the forest and all the gods in general as he headed back towards the river, a small group of around a dozen Darkspawn Following his breakneck pace; the party following was mostly Hurlocks and Genlocks but Sep thought he spotted a few Shrieks darting through the bushes and low hanging branches, their springy double jointed legs easily allowing them to leap across the broken ground.

Smashing audibly through the trees Sep made his way to the waters edge intending to swim in some form to the other side momentarily pausing to consider the rivers speed. Darkspawn can't swim that well being from underground can they? As he thought this his pursuers broke from the foliage and after a slight pause in the glare of the sun made to intercept their prey. For Sep this proved to be the inspiration needed to drive all doubts from his mind about the river and if Darkspawn can swim. Splashing exuberantly he waded into the water as several crude, barbed arrows wizzed past him.

Oh great now the fuckers have bows, at least they can't aim w… "argh!"

Sep plunged face first into the swell a burning pain shooting from his left calf. The Darkspawn for all their apparent lack of aim had caught him with one of their twisted missiles. Rising back above the water level Sep awkwardly fought to reach the opposite bank of the shallow river teeth gritted against the throbs of pain arching up his leg. Uneven splashes indicated that the Darkspawn where tentatively pursuing, obviously intent on finishing their quarry.

Reaching the far bank Sep began to half craw-half hobble up the gentle muddy incline. Pausing only to take a look at the point the arrow had impacted and immediately wishing he hadn't. Black magpie feathers haphazardly bound to a shaft of knotted wood was the sight that greeted him sticking from the meat of his lower leg, the arrow having struck with enough force; had skewered his leg in what Sep's shocked mind reflected, resembled a BBQ skewer. A change from splashing to squelching brought him from his inactivity. The fastest Darkspawn had forded the river and where upon him.

The lead Darkspawn, a squat and insanely muscular Genlock dived into him knocking the off balance Sep to the floor and clawing at his arm and preparing to strike with a mace which was little more than a solid lump of rusted iron, forged into a shaft and jagged mass. Weak from the blood loss and shock Sep offered little resistance but managed to throw the first strike to the ground right of his head. However even as he struggled he knew he was facing a violent and sudden death.

Atleast it'll be over quickly Sep thought as the Genlock raised its mace ready to deliver a better aimed blow intending to finish the kill.

Yet before the creature could conclude its violence, strong and equally as putrid arms sent it tumbling away and a Hurlock standing taller than its compatriots roared in a guttural, gurgling voice.

"Relin-ka humana, et all-ia olfacta, reduc ad majore-Am kon-ver at!"

Or at least to Sep that's what it sounded like. With that he found himself being dragged by the arms to his feet by two subservient Hurlocks. The Alpha for that was what it surely was spat more orders in their halting language and the party set off towards the opposite bank again. They had barely lugged Sep a few feet into the water when with a crack a shriek fell limp its head caved in from the impact of some blurred object. "Thor's blood" muttered Sep as there was a moment's pause with all eyes focused on the body of the corrupted elf-spawn before more blurred impacted, shattering limbs and cracking armour. Panicking and screeching the Darkspawn frantically returned fire with their own archers having spotted their attackers on the side of the river they where returning from. Sep however was not to see his possible rescuers as a javelin punctured the chest of one of his supports dropping it with a wrench that tore Sep from the other Darkspawn's hands. Falling face first into the shallow river and gashing his head on a large jagged flint Sep fell into unconsciousness his last thought a simple Fuck my life.