Problem: Babysitters

Author's Notes These guys are probably out of character, but I'm not apologizing. Nope! As a reminder, these are not necessarily connected, so I can CMA for any inconsistencies. :P

Benjamin Grimm was not a happy camper. He'd been woken up this morning by a horrible screech and had accidentally ripped his door off its hinges when he'd come storming into the main living area, ready to lay waste to whoever was fucking with his family. He'd arrived to the sight of Sue and Johnny in the kitchenette and nothing that needed to be clobbered.

"Yes, yes! Please tell him, yes! I am available anytime he wants to come by today. Right now even! Pleasepleasepleaseplease!" Sue was telling Johnny, her hands clasped in front of her, while she practically bounced on her toes.

Ben frowned and wondered what the hell was up. He hadn't seen her this excited since Reed had proposed to her.

Johnny laughed, and started typing on his phone. "I told him you wouldn't mind. He probably won't be by until later." Johnny paused as his phone dinged with an incoming message. "Yup. He's asking if 2 is too early? And does he need to bring anything?"

"Not at all. And nope. I'm going to go pick up some things before he gets here. Thank you, Johnny!" Sue grabbed her brother in a quick, ecstatic hug before she darted past Ben towards the sleeping quarters to change.

Ben turned from watching her disappear into her room to raise an eye ridge at Johnny. "What was that about, Johnny?"

Johnny shrugged. "Guess she's excited. Oh, hey can you leave the southeast window unlocked for Spidey, please? I have things to do, bye! Flame on!" The Human Torch didn't wait for a response, but flew out the very same window he'd asked to remain unlocked.

Leaving a very confused Thing in the middle of the Baxter Building's living area. "What the hell?" It was too early for this, Ben decided. He turned and went back to his room, grumbling as he pushed his now crooked door closed. He'd fix that later. Again. He stretched out on his mattress and closed his eyes.

Then he sat back up and asked the empty room. "Why the fuck is Sue so excited about Spider-man visiting?"

No answer was forthcoming.

Ben had managed to forget about the whole weird turn of events this morning by the time he'd officially woken up a couple hours later.

Reed stood out in the kitchenette this time, steaming mug in his hands. He stared at a point on the wall, his eyes half lidded.

Ben went into the freezer to grab the whole box of frozen pancakes. He glanced at his friend, trying to determine if the spaciness came from sleep deprivation or from some problem that had stumped him in the labs. Or even a mixture of the two.

"Where's Sue?" Reed asked suddenly, though he hadn't stopped staring at what Ben realized was a spot of peeling paint on the wall.

Why should he know- Oh wait. Ben remembered now. "She went out to get stuff. Apparently Spidey is visiting and she's being weird about it."

Reed took a long, slurping sip from his mug. "Hmm," he finally said. Then he walked to the elevator to his labs without any further explanation.

Ben's hands balled into fists at his side. "What the hell is up with this family?" he snarled. Then he stomped off to work on the Fantasti-car, setting the computer to let him know when Sue and Johnny returned so he could get some goddamned answers. He lived here too dammit!

Sue returned first, with an hour to spare before Spider-man's scheduled arrival.

Ben stomped out of the vehicle bay to ask her what was going on.

She sat on the living area's couch, unpacking an assortment of brightly colored things from the shopping bags that covered the other seats around her. She cackled a tad maniacally as she held up some pink thing between her hands.

Ben couldn't deal with that right now. He'd wait for Johnny to get back instead. He retreated back to the vehicle bay.

Johnny returned at 1:55.

Ben found Johnny and Sue standing over stacks of brightly colored things, both grinning like a pair of stupid idiots. Johnny held a large unopened box ; Ben could not see the labels on it. He tried to ask, but they ignored him, except to remind him to let Spider-man in when he got there as they disappeared into Johnny's room both cackling like maniacs.

Isn't that why they left the stupid window unlocked?

Ben edged closer to the pile of stuff on the living room floor, trying to wrap his head around what he was seeing scattered around the rug.

Why did Sue go and buy a bunch of-

*Knockknockknock*

Ben looked up and glowered at the red mask with its creepy staring eyes. Spider-man waved, then gingerly pushed on the window, clambering inside when it opened under his hands. He crawled across the ceiling, holding himself awkwardly so the weird contraption of webbing and straps attached to his front didn't touch the ceiling.

"Uh, hey Ben. Is Sue in? Or Johnny?" He spoke in much more subdued, softer tones than Ben was used to hearing from the occasional times the Fantastic Four had teamed up with the Spider-men duo.

Ben frowned. "Spidey, what the hell is that thing on your chest? Are you hurt? Is it another symbiote?"

He didn't think he'd seen anyone flail so effectively with one hand before.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. She just fell asleep half a mile ago."

What?

That bore repeating. "What?"

Rather than drop to the floor like he normally would, Spider-man stuck a web to the ceiling and floor where he climbed down feet first, his grip sure the on the web.

Spider-man tugged the webbing off the ceiling and floor, one arm curled protectively around the bundle stuck to his torso..

A tiny head, sporting a partial Spider-man mask adorned by pigtails, rested against his chest.

Ben gawked in shock. What the hell? "Where'd the baby come from, Spidey? This ain't lost and found!" he snapped, ignoring all of Spider-man's gesticulations for quiet.

Then Spider-man's creepy lenses blinked and he stiffened. "Lost and found?" he hissed in that subdued voice. "She's not lost! She's mine!"

Ben blinked. "You gotta be kidding me? Since when did you have a kid?"

The pigtails jerked and Spider-man stiffened. "Oh great."

Whoops.

A low whimper built into a high-pitched sob, emanating from Spider-man's weird contraption like some demented alarm

Spider-man quickly lifted the little bundle off his chest, setting the web contraption on the floor so he could hold the little girl to his shoulder.(Ben couldn't place her age, but she seemed somewhere between loud and full of trouble).

"There, there, little… um… Spider-ling. It's just big, grumpy Uncle Thing being too loud. Shshhshh."

Ben narrowed his eyes. Uncle Thing? Shouldn't that be Uncle Ben? Was he okay with either? His opinion mattered, right? "So you're bringing your baby here, because…?"

Spider-man looked up like he'd been shocked. "Sorry, I though Johnny said something? He told me Sue said I could drop… um, er, Spider-ling off so the Mrs and I could have a night off? Date night, y'know? I'd have asked Kid Arachnid, but he's visiting family." He never stopped soothing his daughter, gloved hand rubbing circles on her back while he rocked in place. "Did he forget to say something? I am going to-"

"Do I hear the call of a baby?" Sue sang from the hall to hers and Reed's quarters.

Spider-man's attention shifted from Ben to the hallway entrance.

Ben wasn't done with the conversation he was having with Spider-man, because… "You have a wife?" The red mask nodded. "You?"

"…Yeah? Why is that so surprising?"

Sue appeared (literally) at Spider-man's side, leaning down to coo at the unhappy little girl.

Spider-man didn't jump in surprise or anything, he just tilted his head at Sue. His mask moved as though he was about to say something.

Nope. Ben still wasn't done, yet. "She gotta name?"

He ignored the sharp look Sue shot him. Knives didn't touch him, sister.

Spider-man swayed a little side to side as he thought. "Uhhhhh… Spider… Woman?"

Ben grinned, teeth bared. "I thought she was based in Britain."

Ben shouldn't get such pleasure from the panic that appeared even on Spidey's masked face.

"Shoot. I'd forgotten bout her. Um… How about… ugh. Spinneret?"

Sue had extracted the little girl from Spidey's hands while he'd stuttered and stammered at Ben. She continued to shoot glares and grimaces at Ben.

Which he ignored. This was way too much fun.

Ben regarded the spidery guy who looked like was he waiting for a fist to come crashing down on him. "Y'know, we can probably find out your identities if we ran her DNA, right?"

No man's voice should hit those notes. "Well yeah, but… You wouldn't do that, right?"

Sue rounded on Ben, her eyes flashing. "Benjamin Grimm, I swear that if you ruin this for me I will hand you to Doctor Doom as his personal plaything for a week!"

Ben spread his hands, but he couldn't stop grinning. "Hey, I wasn't talking about me!"

Sue's blue eyes flashed with understanding, and then narrowed and she pulled out her communicator to speak into it, sugar dripping off thorns, "Reed, dear?"

"Yes?" he said in his 'I'm-busy-don't-distract-me' voice.

"You're not allowed to come out of the labs until…" She raised her eyebrows at Spider-man.

Spider-man flailed again and then held up both of his index fingers. "Eleven?" he said in a stage whisper.

Sue's face scrunched around her nose. "What are you teens? You can stay in the lab until two, Reed. Not a minute earlier." She didn't wait for his reply, but shoved the communicator into her pocket.

Spider-man clapped his hands together, and proceeded to blow kisses towards Sue, press his clasped hands to his chest, and make a heart shape with his hands. Good god, the guy acted like he'd spent too much time around fucking Deadpool. Then again, Johnny pulled the same shit, maybe they were just too much two peas in a pod.

Speak of the devil.

"Is that my little girl?!" Johnny asked in a too-high voice, popping up behind Sue to make faces at Spider-man's daughter.

The little girl must not have a sense of self-preservation, because she squealed and waved her little hands at the boy, reaching over Sue's shoulder for him.

Johnny stole the baby from Sue and tossed her in the air.

Sue pouted at her now empty hands, then she turned to Spider-man, suddenly serious. "Does her mask have to stay on while she's here?"

Spider-man turned from where he was watching Johnny toss his daughter in the air. "No, that's to make M-my wife happy, and protect her eyes when I'm swinging and climbing your walls." He gestured to the high window he'd clambered through.

Ben snickered at Spidey's having to catch himself around his family's names. "So here's a question for you Spidey; not that I'm objectin' Sue," he added before Sue could interrupt him, "why can't you just use a regular babysitter?"

Johnny caught the little girl (Ben refused to call her Spider-ling) and gave Ben his best shit-eating grin.

"Johnny…" Sue said, suddenly suspicious. "What aren't you telling us?"

Spider-man dropped his head into his hands. "Jooooohnyyyyyy. You didn't tell them?" Spider-man pointed at Johnny, or rather his daughter. "My little monster likes to crawl on walls. And ceilings. She really likes light fixtures, cause they're shiny? I'd be careful about your vents, too. You've got big ones in here," he said, turning to look at the long silver vents under the ceiling. Spider-man bounced on his heels, nervousness oozing through his suit.. "I'd understand if you changed your mind. It's a little weird."

Ben busted a gut laughing at the expression on Sue's face.

Blue eyes wide, mouth hanging open, Sue stared at Spidey, then turned her wide eyes to the little Spider-ling (who apparently actually deserved that stupid moniker).

Johnny's shit-eating grin never left his face either, and Ben would bet that he wore one to match it on his own face.

A family of scientists, after all.

"Uhh…" Spider-man tensed, edging toward Johnny.

"She's a super-baby?" Sue squeaked.

"Yeah. Super. Sure. I mean, the wife and I think the world of her, and maybe this wasn't such a good idea?"

"Oooh," Sue said.

"No, really. I can tell this is going to be a lot of trouble, already."

"Oooh," Sue said again.

"Aww, Spidey, don't you trust Uncle Johnny with the little Princess for an evening?" Johnny tossed her again, eliciting another squeal of delight.

Sue's eyes tracked the squealing toddler, though she otherwise remained still.

"Maybe I'm being a little, just a little, understandably concerned? Johnny," Spider-man hissed at the youngest of the family. "You're family is kinda freaking me out right now."

"Ooh," Sue said, then she straightened, all sugar and honey once again. "Spidey, I don't mean to make you worry." Sue said in her most placating tone. "I just… She's a super-baby. You can't expect me not to be… surprised? She'll be fine here, I promise."

Spider-man still edged closer to Johnny and the little Spider-ling. "Spider-baby, is what M-my wife likes to call her. Or adorable, as I like to say, personally. Still not really making me feel better though."

Spider-ling batted at her father's gloved hand, hiding her face in Johnny's neck and whining.

Johnny laughed and ducked out of Spider-man's reach. "Seriously Spidey. She'll be fine here. No poking, promise. Sue's just going to want to see what she's capable of. Ben, too."

"She is adorable," Ben allowed from nearly ten feet away from the little fingers and toes.

Sue bounced on her toes, but her eyes didn't stay on one spot for any length of time. "I'm sorry for overreacting. She's just… Reed and I have speculated about, you know babies. And we always wondered if..." She gestured, her hands flickering in and out of sight. "Johnny should have warned me. But that doesn't change anything-"

"You're still the first parent, super or otherwise, that Sue knows who is willing to leave your precious little girl with her." Johnny set Spider-ling down on the living area rug, holding up one toy after another until Spider-ling grabbed for it.

Spider-man looked between the three of them. Then he settled his creepy white lenses on Sue. "How many super-parents do you actually know?"

Sue shrugged. "You'd be the first."

Ben grinned at the way her voice rose hopefully at the end. He knew about the discussions. Reed sometimes talked when he needed to step away from some difficult problem in the lab. He'd talk, until he remembered who he was talking to. Then he would stop, and Ben would want to wipe that guilty look off Richards' face. With his fist. He'd also seen the way Sue had looked at little kids that occasionally visited the Baxter Building on field trips, or at the littler kids in the strollers when the Four visited parks.

It was hard to be a superhero and make friends that would let you sit their kids. Sue had the baby-fever for some months now. It had been driving Ben crazy. He couldn't have imagined dealing with it for years, too.

Spider-man joined Johnny on the rug. Spider-ling didn't pay her father any attention, much more interested in the stuffed bear who's ear was currently stuck in her mouth.

Spider-man picked her up anyways, talking to her in a baby voice.

She screamed with delight when he turned her upside down and dangled her back into Johnny's hands. Then he picked up the web and straps contraption, ripping the webbing apart (not easy, Ben had pulled those webs apart before during a few team-ups) to reveal a bag at the bottom. A diaper bag. He started pulling out things, explaining to Johnny, and Sue who joined them on the floor, Spider-ling's sleep schedule and snack schedule, and things to be wary of or that she especially loved.

Ben looked down when someone tapped his toe. He froze when he saw the big blue eyes looking up at him. She'd gotten her mask off at some point apparently.

"Babu ba ga," Spider-ling state, smacking his foot again. Then she grinned at him, showing off her cute little teeth.

Ben frowned at her. "Sister, I ain't a good playmate."

"Abababaaa gubi da." She pat his leg then. Then she she started climbing up up his leg, her hands felt weird on him, like she had magnets that stuck her hands and feet to him,

Ben stayed frozen, unwilling to risk pinching little fingers or toes in the crevices of his rocky skin.

"Ahhh, Ben… you good over there?"

She got to his chest and patted the four emblazoned on his shirt. "Gada."

"Can you get her?"Ben asked. "Before she gets hurt?"

Spider-man stared at Ben for a moment, before hopping over the couch and extracting Spider-ling's hands and feet from Ben's cloth. He held the little mound of trouble and considered Ben for a moment.

Then he held the kid back out to Ben. "You know, you're not the only one who's terrified of breaking her. Just make sure you're hand are over her clothes, and be careful when you fold your fingers? Wear gloves too, then you really won't pinch her skin."

Ben stared at the joyfully burbling, squishy bundle in Spider-man's arms.

"Dadadadada Dadada babu plllllllpth," she told Ben, those little white chompers peeking through her smile.

Ben reached out a stony finger which she grabbed and immediately tried to stick in her mouth.

Ben didn't retreat. Nope. He just took a step back. "Maybe later."

Spider-man shrugged. "Suit yourself. I wouldn't leave here if I didn't trust all of you guys, you know." He jiggled the Spider-ling, no doubt to get another screech from her, before he carried her back to Johnny and Sue.

Ben decided that would be a good time to see what Reed was up to in the lab. And he'd get a pair of gloves while he was down there, too. Thick ones. Spider-ling would be here all evening, after all.

Author's Notes Spidey is fairly good friends with Johnny Storm in most Spidey-verses. So I'm keeping it in the game as well. Here, Johnny knows who Peter is, but keeps the secret from his family. This scenario would eventually lead to the rest of the Fantastic Four learning of the Parker family through mutual trust and respect, or because Spidey sends wife and kid to the F4 when a thing becomes too dangerous for them to be left alone (for the baby, otherwise MJ would never go)

I might have had too much fun with this thing. Longer than I meant it to be. Hope it kept it's charm.