Head First Fearless

Author's Note:

For you the reader I wanted to offer a bit of a summary. The first chapter of this story was written for Sort of Beautiful challenge as a judge's sample story. I fell in love with the characters and have toyed with the idea of finishing it. So, alas, I am writing the rest of the story.

You will find as you read the rest of this story that the original fluff and cream will be absent. This story unfolds dramatically, and we will be exploring some rather dark material later on. Please keep in my mind that Bella has a troubled past. She has no direction or guidance. Renee was non existent and Charlie lived in Forks. So, in essence, she was absent of a stable adult.

Okay, I have to issue some thank yous.

Mombailey, you are an incredible, fantastic beta. You push me when I need it, and you lift me up when I need it. I simply love you.

Teamsob – bloodofbeckie, Live720, My hubby is no Edward, Btvsna, Ysar, mybrandofheroin. At some point each of these fabulous people had a hand in some part of my work. I want them to know I appreciate what they mean to me, and to fanfiction. We really do make it all 'sort of beautiful.'

Okay, finally, to EchoesofTwilight and LJSummers, thank you. You both are sweethearts, and I'm glad to call you both friends.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 2: "A Good Dose of Karma"

~*~*~*~Listening to Gravity by John Mayer~*~*~*~

Community service was such a menial waste of my time. I was aiming for an education, not a Nobel Prize. Professor Bailey had an insane idea that community service would be a great character builder, and it would be fifty percent of our final Sociology grade. Already pulled in a thousand directions, I didn't need another deterrent in my life, and I certainly didn't want to spend the rest of spring semester volunteering when I had other commitments. Inwardly frowning, I realized how incredibly selfish my thoughts were turning; helping others was a noble gesture. A good dose of karma could never hurt. I needed to grip this swelling apprehension and overcome the next obstacle. That was life after all - jumping one hurdle only to face another.

Under different circumstances, I would have been more than excited about the opportunity to work with the misunderstood teen. I knew all too well about being on a lost track and needing someone to help map your way back. Nor was I above volunteering, but my lack of enthusiasm stemmed from my unsteady relationship with Jacob. He was the single most, important person in my life, and I was slowly losing my grip on him. We were at a pivotal crossroads, and all I needed was another obstruction to further the wedge between us. Jacob was so focused on, scratch that, obsessed with his job that I was a mere afterthought; a growing-more-bitter-by-the-day afterthought.

He moved out of Charlie's house shortly after fall break in an effort to focus on our relationship, and I hoped for more alone time as a reward. However, our lives had become very separate, and we seemed to have developed a predictable routine of hide and seek. The distance between us was insurmountable, and unfortunately at times, I felt closer to strangers. Jacob had become unreachable, unsearchable and unattainable.

His mind always somewhere in the distance, Jacob was actively fulfilling his self-proclaimed destiny. He had this overwhelming belief that he was born to be a cop, to help people, and to put away the bad guy. There was no way to deny the obvious fact that Jacob had a special gift, and who was I to argue with fate.

Forks wasn't necessarily a criminal's first choice for notoriety, but Jake was doing a great job at apprehending every one he had the opportunity to go after. He had earned the respect of many decorated officers across the state by aiding their policing efforts in the past few months. Jake had an innate sense of the job, and it was only a matter of time until he moved on to greener pastures. In the wake of his popularity, I somehow got left behind.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. In my situation, absence made the heart grow weary.

I looked through my book bag five times before I found the handwritten directions to the Community Center. Although I had been going to school in Port Angeles for over seven months, I was still very unfamiliar with the city. My point of destination was always clear, and I never stayed a second longer than I had to.

Already late for my first day of the Leadership Mentoring Program, I wondered how many youthful lives I was going to corrupt with my bad advice. Considering any given day I was the one in need of counseling, I seemed out of place participating in a project designed to give teenagers an adult to discuss their problems with.

My first day was not starting off well, and I had to circle the crowded parking lot three times before I found a spot. I then slammed my bag strap in the truck door, which resulted in a hideous display of tug-o-war and me face down on the pavement. I picked myself up, removed my trapped bag, and slammed the door shut, once again, cursing my very existence. More importantly, I cursed Dr. Bailey's existence and her insistence on ruining my life. Running up the front steps and into the main entrance, I continued to huff about the need for more parking.

"Excuse me. I'm looking for the LMP room," I gasped out to the first human I made eye contact with, who just happened to be a beautiful, young, blonde woman.

"Upstairs, and down the first hall. Second door on your right," her voice called out. My obvious conundrum was in no way interrupting the blonde girl's mission.

"Thank you," I returned, but the girl was already gone, only an echo of footsteps left in her wake.

Out of breath and sweating, I dried my palms on my jeans and turned the knob of the door. Just as I had been instructed, I entered the second room on the right, but immediately wanted to turn back. Three unamused faces turned to glare at my obviously tardy entrance. I scooted my feet inside and let the door slam behind me, adding to the annoyed looks of my peers. I focused my eyes on the tile floor beneath me to escape the awkwardness that embodied the room. I inhaled slowly and exhaled even slower.

"Miss Swan, I presume."

Looking up from the safety zone of the floor, I was completely unprepared for the stunning beauty that met my eyes. My breath was cemented in my throat, and I couldn't speak for the huge lump. I swallowed hard, only to find my tongue had become paralyzed and unwilling to roll out the words my mind was urging it to say. My lungs were clamped tight, and I was dizzy. As I focused on steadying my breathing, my eyes resumed their previous position on the tile pattern. He was exquisite, magnificent even, and I'm sure God must have cried when he left Heaven. With the exception of Jacob Black, of course, I wasn't a mindless crusher. But here I stood on the verge of a major melt down, having wonderfully vivid thoughts of this man before me. Did I really just think God cried?

"Miss, are you alright?" He asked smoothly.

"Yes," I finally responded. Had the Earth stopped rotating? There was a definite change in the center of gravity, at least where I was standing. Perhaps it was an effect of global warming and not me rocketing into outer madness. I steadied myself and met his gaze again. I needed to get control of my emotions…quickly.

"Very well. You're late, and I don't tolerate late," he snarled.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, taken aback at the sudden change in his disposition.

"I'm Edward Cullen." His lips sneaked into a slight grin, exposing a beautiful set of perfect, white teeth, contrasted by full, pink lips. He reached his hand forward to properly greet me, and any merited hostility from before was gone. Edward, to my relief, became a friendly face.

"It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen," I said, trying to offer some semblance of maturity and professionalism.

"Bella, how old are you?" He asked sincerely.

"I'm twenty," I replied, confused by his peculiar question.

"I'm twenty-one. No need for the Mister; call me Edward." He smiled again, and my heart fluttered. I usually wasn't so easily flustered by the opposite sex, but I couldn't contain the overpowering sensation that I felt around him.

"It's very nice to meet you...Edward." After our introductions, Edward showed me the ropes and presented me to the other counselors; the three faces I had annoyed upon my arrival. He quickly ushered me into his adjacent office, and I sat quietly while he finished instructing the other counselors. I heard him dismiss them and make steadfast footsteps back into the room.

Slipping behind his desk, he gave me a stack of paperwork while we discussed my application, and he thoroughly went over the mentoring expectations. To my relief, I had a rigorous training session to go through before I could be trusted with actual adolescents. Edward was very friendly, and his warm smile put me at ease. He seemed interested in what I had to say, which comforted me. He shared past experiences of the project, and I gave him humorous anecdotes of my escapades with Renee, carefully omitting the tumultuous years. I also learned that Edward was a Psychology major and had been involved in LMP for the last three years. Before I realized it, we had been in his office over an hour, chatting away like old friends.

"Wow, I should probably get going."

"Yes. I apologize for keeping you," he said as he opened the door.

"Oh, you weren't keeping me from anything important, unless you count a cold piece of pizza and stale conversation with my father."

Edward chuckled at my declaration and fell in place beside me as I walked out. Once we were in the parking lot, we continued in aimless conversation for thirty more minutes. I felt like I could talk to him endlessly, and never grow tired of his voice. With Edward I was an equal. He had a special gift of forfeiting his own thoughts to understand mine.

I drove home in silence, relishing thoughts of my new friendship with Edward Cullen and my anticipation over seeing him again. I was excited to be involved in his program, and I secretly hoped he would fill the void created by Jacob. Knowing myself well, I needed a confidant and friend like Edward, and he would perfectly fit into both categories.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Fridays always brought about a wave of hope, signaling the end of the week and two days free of academic responsibility. My lone class ended at 9:45, and without any research or assignments due, I was left with a clear schedule. Although I promised Mrs. Newton to work this particular Friday evening, by six I'd be with Jacob, and I vowed to myself that we would make some progress on our diminishing relationship. With no other choice than to confront the growing gap between us, I had to remind him of the fact that I needed him in my life. It was clear to me now that I needed to take charge.

I walked out to the parking lot feeling empowered and courageous, until I spotted him across the grass median. Edward. He was talking casually on his cell, standing by a shiny, new Volvo. Halting me in my tracks, I wondered if he had noticed me first, and secretly hoped that he was waiting for me. I brushed off the misguided notion as his brilliant smile greeted me, and he waved me over with his free hand. Whatever force I had invested in Edward was one-sided, and I was being ridiculous to think otherwise.

The closer I got to him, the harder I found it to breathe; Edward certainly had a unique control over me. He was attractive and mysterious; it went without saying. But it was his smile and his eyes holding me on edge, threatening my existence with their depth and intensity. The way he looked at me made me feel important, special, needed.

Was the connection real? Did he intentionally try to control me this way? I was nothing more than a frayed ribbon hung loosely around him, waiting to unravel at the slightest disturbance to my thin threads of sanity. Hopelessly, I clung to his every word and the power behind his stare, cherishing the calm relief provided by just being in his presence. I received from Edward, what one might attain from the fountain of youth. Much more than a heart-to-heart encounter, Edward spoke to me with his soul, and I responded to him with mine.

I quickly crossed the lot, pushing the nervousness under my obvious curiosity. Edward put his phone in the pocket of his jacket, and extended his hand to me. I gladly returned the gesture, controlling the onslaught of body rushes that accompanied the connection of our skin. My fingers tingled against the searing heat left by his touch.

"Bella," he prompted.

"Hi, Edward." I dropped his hand quickly, realizing I was grasping it longer than necessary. Smiling nervously, I hoped my cheeks weren't giving away my humiliation. I was often betrayed but their incessant pooling of redness.

"What brings you to the neighborhood?" He asked, twisting his lips into his mouth and back into a crooked grin.

"Sociology, today. You know Drill Sergeant Bailey," I replied as my temperature was quickly rising. The threads were unraveling.

"Bella, Professor B is one of the best. If she's pushing you, it's because she knows you can handle it."

"I suppose. So what are you doing here?" I asked, trying to change the subject from the dreaded Dr. B. I didn't admire her nearly as much as Edward.

"I'm meeting a benefactor for the Project today."

"You're very dedicated," I complimented.

"Passionate would be the operative word. But, yes, I'm dedicated," he said with light humor and obvious pride.

"The teenagers of Port Angeles are very fortunate to have you. I could have used you as a mentor when I was teen," I openly admitted without an ounce of remorse. I was generally very guarded about my adolescent misfortunes. However, I felt I could tell Edward the secrets buried in the depths of my heart, and confidently know he would honor them with respect and reverence. In customary fashion, Edward reassured me of any doubts. Warmth radiated through the recesses of my heart as he smiled at me. He spoke softly and fluidly through his words, while his eyes held the power to heal everything in me that was broken-past, present, and future.

"Bella, I'm sorry you had to face your troubles alone. I know this wasn't your first choice for an assignment, but you can use your past experiences as a resource in helping someone else. You just need to find your confidence, and I know from experience helping others will allow you to overcome."

Edward's past was troubled, too. Although we had yet to discuss the details of our similarities, we understood each other perfectly. I felt as if I had known him for a long time, and through only three conversations, I was already attuned to his soul. We were connected on an intricate level.

Edward's steady gaze remained as we stood silent for a moment. "Bella, I'd love to continue, but I'm kind of in a hurry. I'll catch up with you next week. Okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Uh…sure. See you next week." I could feel the despondency coming out in my weak attempt at goodbye, so I exaggerated a smile to cover my desperation. I wanted to latch onto him and never let go, allow him to protect me from the harms of life and comfort the hurt buried deep within. Something inside told me he could calm the ever growing fears.

"Goodbye, Bella," he said, the last syllable lingering between us. "Think about what I said. Sometimes you just have to jump in head first."

Head first.

Edward had confidence in me that I didn't have myself. He believed in me, and he was urging me to jump in. I had done just that with Jacob; now I wondered if I should doubt that decision. With a deep cleansing breath, I realized I would gladly do it again. Jacob had certainly given me courage and faith in a time when I possessed neither, and if my life was destined to be void of him, I would still be indebted to my wonderful Jake for helping me find my way.

Work at Newton's was excruciating as I found myself alternating between thoughts of Jacob and Edward. More so the later, which overwhelmed me with guilt. When I arrived home, I was pleasantly surprised to see Jake's cruiser in the driveway, and I hurriedly made my way into the house, practically skipping with giddiness. I wasn't shocked to see Jake and Charlie mesmerized by the TV; however, it surprised me to see that it wasn't sports. I expected some football or basketball game, but they were watching the news, more importantly, Jacob on the national news.

I discovered that he had arrested a kidnapper, from Seattle, on the run for over three months. He had eluded local and state police, as well as the FBI. Jacob's skillful thinking and quick reaction had resulted in a career altering bust, and the life of a six year old little girl was saved.

Jacob, Forks Hero of the Year, was elated to be a nationwide household name. The whole weekend was spent in a blur of interviews and press conferences, and the only time I really got to spend with him was driving to the airport on Sunday so he could fly to New York for an early morning interview. I pouted the entire trip to Seattle and missed out on some valuable conversation time. Instead of assuring Jacob that I was proud of him, and I admired him for his heroism, I sulked. I barely spoke a word to him. I hated myself for being selfish, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't help the feelings of despair and loneliness that accompanied Jacob's chosen profession. It was apparent that balancing the career Jacob wanted and the relationship I needed was near impossible. I was on the losing end of the scale, and it was fostering the bitter sadness inside of me.

I drove him to the front entrance and let him out. There was no energy in my heart for an emotional goodbye.

"Bells, I wish you could go with me. I bet we'd have a lot of fun in New York."

"Uh-huh."

"I'll call you as soon as I get there. Look, I promise when I get back we'll have some time together. I haven't forgotten you."

He quietly placed a kiss on my forehead, and our eyes met as he held my face in his hands, moving in closer. I couldn't make myself look at him, and yet, he was too close to look away. I shut my eyes as I waited for my consolation prize in the form of a farewell kiss. Unexpectedly, I felt him shift away from me, and the door open. I blinked my eyes to see that he was already outside the truck. After grabbing his bag from the bed, he leaned back in to say goodbye.

"Bye, Bells. I'll miss you...real hard."

"Me, too."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once again, I was running late for LMP-fifteen minutes to be exact. I took the stairs two at a time, and nearly slid into the door. When I entered, the office was mostly deserted. I looked around, eyeing every corner, hoping for a glimpse of Edward. All the counseling rooms were closed, and the red in-session lights were turned on. Great. I went to look for him, mostly to beg him not to kick me out of the program for habitual tardiness, partly because I wanted to see his smile and eyes.

Since dropping Jacob off at the airport yesterday, I had been in a fog of despair. The phone call he promised lasted about twenty seconds, so I wasn't exactly able to redeem my inexcusable behavior.

"Um, Can I help you?" A petite, brunette girl asked. I didn't recall meeting her last week, but I wasn't in the best state then, either. I hadn't made eye contact with any other member of the program, so recognition was basically nil.

"I'm Bella."

"Ah, I see. Edward said you'd be late. I'm Alice."

"Where is he? Edward, I mean," I asked anxiously.

"Edward will not be here today. Basically, I'm next in command," she said, pushing her red frame glasses up onto her nose. She grinned at me skeptically; Edward had obviously mentioned me to her. I couldn't help but wonder what he had said.

"Oh." I was disappointed and pretty sure it was evident on my face by the way Alice grimaced at me. "Can you point me in the direction I need to be?"

Alice smiled and led me into a room off the back hall. "This is the file room, and these stacks of files need to be, well...filed." Her grin was mischievous, hinting at the punishment for my tardiness intended from the day's task. I eagerly got to work. Keeping busy would pass the time, and working alone in the file room meant that I wouldn't have any interaction with troubled teens. I shuddered at the recollection of my own formative years.

Once Alice skipped out of the room, I pulled out my cell phone. I was hoping for a text or a missed call from Jake. My hopes were crushed for the second time in as much as five minutes, the first of which belonged to Edward's absence. The blank display only added to my enormous dread surrounding Jacob.

I wasn't a priority; I wasn't even an afterthought, now. I closed the phone and placed it back into my pocket. I concentrated on the mountain of manila folders and began to tediously put them into some sensible structure. The banal task would at least offer a rest from the recent imprisonment of fear and insecurity. The fear that my own life was slowly dismantling before me-an all too familiar feeling.

A/N: I'd love to know your thoughts/reactions.