Self-Help
a dan and phil fanfiction
chapter 2
Enjoy.
Dan's eyes focused on the TV, his fingers gripping the controller until his knuckles were white. He was losing a particularly difficult game of Crash Bandicoot, & it wasn't helping with his feelings.
He'd spent his Wednesday walking on air, he aimlessly did things around the house without thought, until he found himself just as frustrated as before.
Dan's head jerked up as he heard the door to his home slam, and he stood abruptly. His dad was home.
His keys clattered loudly across the house and Dan tensed.
"Dan!" he cringed.
He abandoned his game and forced his body into the living room, facing his father. James Howell's eyes were glazed over, his appearance a wreck.
"What did you do today?" James leaned forward and his rank breath billowed into Dan's face, causing him to flinch.
"Judging by the way you look, I suppose nothing. When are you gonna get off your ass, Dan?" he paused, and studied his son. "You weren't making those videos again, were you? I won't tolerate you being a worthless son."
Dan had started a YouTube channel called danisnotonfire, expressing his interests and enjoying himself, before his father forced him to shut it down. "You're making yourself look like an idiot! Is this how you're taking the family name?" he had said.
Dan put his hands up and shook his head. James watched him through narrowed eyes, before spinning around and bumping into the kitchen island.
Taking that as an excuse to leave, Dan bounded back up the stairs, closing the door lightly. Dan sat with his head in his hands for a few moments, troubled. Times like this brought memories he shoved back into the depths of his mind, buried so far back he could hardly recall them.
Then he remembered Dr. Lester. Why was he thinking of him of all people? Dan remembered his surprise as he realized the psychiatrist's eyes weren't just blue, but a shocking array of colours. The lines on his face, the faintest of stubble, the crinkle of his eyes, his crooked nose... Dan's heartbeat slowed as he drifted, with Dr. Lester's face fresh on his mind.
Dan jerked up when he realized he had gone into a doze. The outside sky was just breaking into a dawn, the birds beginning to sing to one another.
He briskly showered, & shrugged on an average black and white striped sweater and skinny jeans.
"Ow!" he gasped while straightening his hair. His fingers had brushed the hot metal while he slowly disappeared into his thoughts.
Grappling with the hot object, Dan managed to tame his curls and he fiddled with the fringe, admiring his handy work. Dan quickly got dressed, and checked the clock.
10:43
He better leave soon, or else he'd be late to the appointment. He shrugged on a jacket and left the house, too quick to notice he hadn't eaten anything.
The sky was a threatening grey, as if it would burst at any moment and bruise the ground in pools of water. Dan shook the feeling of dread while exiting the taxi and eyeing the familiar building.
The same receptionist greeted him with a grin, and he sat in the same chair as he had two days ago. He spent his wait playing games on his phone, not entirely focused on one thing. Waiting for what seemed like forever, the lady finally called his name in the familiar high tone. As he stood, he noticed her name tag: CORNELIA. She smiled around her thick glasses and gestured to the hallway.
Once again, he felt the same burning nervousness, but not entirely similar as the last time.
This time, the door was shut, Dan politely knocked, his heart thumping.
"Come in." A lady answered.
What? That wasn't Dr. Lester!
He opened the door slowly, peeking his eyes into the office. A lady with long blonde hair was rifling through his drawers, not bothering to look up.
He stood in the doorway and waited for some sort of explanation. Dan heard a toilet flush in the far corner, and Dr. Lester came out drying his hands, his eyes crinkling to a smile as he noticed Dan's awkward posture.
"Daniel! Good to see you again!'' He turned to the lady. "Did you find the papers you needed, Alice?" She responded with a grumble, and stood.
Office Romance. Dan understood what he was seeing.
"I'll come by after the appointment and search one more time. I know I left them in here somewhere!" Her lips puckered, and she turned to leave. She swayed her hips tantalizingly, but Dr. Lester gave no sign that he saw what she had done.
"So Mr. Howell, how have you been since the last time I saw you?" He sat down, and tangled his fingers together, gazing at Dan.
Immediately he remembered his alcoholic father, burning his finger on a hair straightener, losing several games of Crash Bandicoot in a row, and falling asleep to the thought of Dr. Lester. Why was that coming to his mind now of all times?
"It was fine."
"Did you do anything in particular?"
"Not really."
Dr. Lester's eyes searched his, giving nothing away. He leaned back, and sighed.
"Daniel, you have to understand. It's my job to help you. I can't do anything unless you meet me half-way, and I'd rather not decide who you are by your papers." Dan's eyes widened with shock at his statement. Before now, Dr. Lester had never made such a direct comment.
The tall man behind the desk stood and walked around to where Dan was sitting, only to plop down in the uncomfortable wooden chair next to him. There were things about Dr. Lester he hadn't noticed before, like the smile lines, and the smell of aftershave.
He couldn't be over 30! Dan was shocked by his youth, but said nothing.
"May I?" Dr. Lester's hands reached out for permission. Permission for what?
Dan nodded, confused. The dark haired man's fingers found his sleeve, and pushed down to reveal the younger's wrist.
At once Dan flinched and jerked his arm; Dr. Lester immediately released him.
Why had he done that? Why? Why? Why?
"I want you to tell me about your life, Daniel. When all of this started, what made you quit." Dr. Lester's voice was calm, but asserting a tone that showed his authority.
"I... Um..." Dan was lost for words. "My dad." He began awkwardly.
"What do you mean?" Dr. Lester's milky gaze watched him closely, Dan was almost mesmerized.
He began mumbling about his childhood, where he adapted to dodging objects being thrown at him, learning to tune out the mocking voices in Secondary School. He meekly mentioned nightmares and his dissociation that ate him away. He did not mention the parties, or the drugs, or the screaming that echoed in his mind.
Talking about the situations he despised so much made anger boil in the pit of his stomach. He dreamt day after day of a better life, a life where he would just make better decisions. An array of dark feelings that had been bottled up for years began to threaten to erupt.
"And the worst part of it was," Dan's voice began to change octaves from fury, his eyes crinkling, "It could have been prevented if I didn't make such stupid fucking decisions!" Dan's hands slapped the edges of the chair, hardly aware of Dr. Lester's gasp.
He spun around and went for the door. "Wait!" Dr. Lester made it there first, blocking Dan's exit. "Get out of my way." Dan muttered. "I didn't want to come here. I didn't want to talk about this, because this is what happens!" Dr. Lester's eyebrows were furrowed with intense worry, his lips turned in a hard frown. "Please, just... Let me out." Dan whispered, fighting the wave of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him at any moment.
Dr. Lester's eyes were searching his expression desperately, before moving out of the doorframe. "I can't force you to stay, but this isn't the end of our sessions. I'll see you soon."