Chapter 2 - Fireflies

I can't remember exactly when I began to fall for Sesshomaru-sama. Maybe it began years ago, with the countless times he saved my life, and spared me from death. Maybe it was the strange compassion that he showed me, in a world that was otherwise cruel. Maybe it was when I first laid eyes on him, and how even as he was weak and injured, he was still the most beautiful person I'd ever seen.

But that was merely innocent admiration – as I was just a ward who was grateful to her guardian. Those feelings changed as time passed...

After the battle against Naraku was over, Sesshomaru had me live with the old priestess Kaede in the human village. I pleaded to stay with him, but in the end I acquiesced.

As time went by, he would visit me on occasion. He would even bring me gifts – mainly new kimono. But as beautiful as they were, seeing Sesshomaru's face again was the only gift I needed. It was even nice to see Jaken again, even if he was still just a cranky little toad.

Not a day went by where I didn't have my eyes on the clouds, hoping Sesshomaru would appear. Even when months went by, then years, I would still look towards the sky every day.

Readjusting to human life was a slow process, but I got through it. I grew especially close to Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, and Sango, and saw them as older siblings. I'd even helped deliver their children. Then of course there was Kaede, who taught me almost everything I know about taking care of myself. It was a difficult time when she passed away, but I like to think that she'd be happy with the person that I've become.

The most difficult part of trying to live a normal life was making friends my age. It's not that the kids in the village were mean to me, or they excluded me. I just felt as though I couldn't relate to them. There was only one person close to me in age that I ever felt somewhat close to, and that was Kohaku.

Then again, how couldn't we feel close with all that we'd been through during the year that we first met?

It wasn't until one summer night that I realized Kohaku's true feelings for me. I was feeling restless, so I sat alone outside looking at the stars, connecting them to make images in my mind. Kohaku had just come back from slaying demons all day. He looked exhausted, but there was still a smile on his freckled face.

"Hey Rin, what are you doin out here?" He offered me a hand and I accepted it, lifting myself from the ground.

"I can't sleep so I'm just sitting out here...I'm sure you're tired though, you should probably go to sleep."

"Well actually I, uh, wanted to know if you would take a walk with me, maybe, if you want."

I thought it was strange that Kohaku was interested in taking a walk at that time of night, but I figured maybe it would tire me out and ease my restlessness, so I agreed to go with him. He led me to a meadow filled with wildflowers on the outskirts of our village. Countless fireflies flew around, their glow illuminating the darkness. I managed to catch one in my hand.

"Do you ever wonder what they're saying to each other?" I asked Kohaku, staring at the firefly's blinking light.

"Well, to be honest, not really." He chuckled. "But I imagine that they're trying to find a mate."

"Oh, I see." I said, releasing the firefly back into the night. When my hand was free, Kohaku grabbed hold of it, interlacing his fingers with mine, and pulling me so that I faced him.

"Rin, I hope I'm not being too forward by asking you this but...may I kiss you?"

I could feel all of the blood rushing to my face as I tried to avert my gaze so that I was looking anywhere except directly at Kohaku. To this day I have no idea why I did this, but I nodded.

"Um...sure, I guess." Once I consented there was absolutely no hesitation on Kohaku's end. He leaned forward and our lips met.

That was my first kiss. I didn't see fireworks, and I didn't feel like I was floating on air. I'm not sure why I expected anything like that, but I found myself a bit disappointed.

A chill crept down my spine when Kohaku put his hand on the small of my back. It was fine at first, but then he got a bit too bold. He rubbed that same hand down my backside and upper thigh, and then tried to undo the knot of my obi, all while his lips were still on mine.

"Kohaku, what the hell?!" I yelled shoving him away from me as hard as I could. He looked genuinely surprised by my reaction, which I found astounding. "Have you been spending too much time with your brother-in-law or something?" I said, trying to readjust my clothing. "You really just wanted to drag me out here so you could try to fuck me?!"

"Rin, look, I'm sorry." He reached out to me but I swatted his hand away. I had no interest in anything he had to say, so without another word I walked back to the village by myself, not looking or caring to see if Kohaku was following behind me.

I was 15 years old at the time. Kohaku was 18. We were at that age where it was typical to be primarily interested in romance or sex. I felt foolish for not figuring out beforehand that Kohaku felt that way about me. I wondered if the signs had been right in front of me the whole time, but I was completely ignoring them. It's not that there was anything to dislike about him. He was my closest friend, he was kind, strong, good-looking, but I certainly wasn't in love with him. I thought that if there were anything between us, I would have felt something in that kiss.

When I got back home I collapsed onto my futon and stared at the ceiling. I felt something tickling my hand and looked to see that a firefly had come inside to keep me company. Just like before I watched its blinking light, wondering what it was trying to say. Before I fell asleep that night, I wished that I were a firefly. So that I could shine my own light, in hopes that Sesshomaru-sama would see it, and finally come back to me.