ONE DAY LATER, AT 12:00 AM on October 31st of 2015...
"Death?" Dracula asked with bloodshot eyes, lying exhaustedly on the floor of his bedroom, staring straight into the empty dark void of the closet.
"What is your request, master?" Death asked in response to Dracula.
"Kill this book." Dracula begged, handing the Twilight book over the Death. "Kill it with fire."
"What is the magical word, master?" Death reminded him.
"PLEASE." Dracula begged.
"Very well then." Death concluded. "IGNIS VOLTAJIO!" Death chanted as he fired bolts of flaming lightning from his palms. It left a trail of smoke rising up from the book's front cover, and somehow burned a trollface onto that exact same cover, but had no visible effect on the book's contents.
"Dracula?" Death asked.
"What?" Dracula asked him.
"Can you please pick my jaw up off the floor?" Death requested.
"Uh...sure thing." Dracula replied as he gave it to Death, who magically reattached it back onto his skull where it originally was.
"What impertinent treachy is this madness?!" Dracula yelled, bewildered. "This book is a spawn of Satan indeed! Death, give me your cell phone!"
"The one that has the My Little Pony ringtone?" Death asked.
"Whatever, just GIVE ME THE GOD-DAMNED THING! I NEED IT! I am more than strongly convinced that whoever wrote this god-awful piece of shit was truly, literally a freaking demon from Hell!" Dracula explained, breathing heavily and foaming at the mouth while doing so.
"I know this may sound insane, but I honestly think that we just might actually need Richter's help in order to defeat the hellspawned beast that created this horrendously, ungodly awful, and absolutely atrocious freaking joke of a novel." Dracula explained.
"What about Alucard? Don't we need his help too?" Death asked.
"Ah, yes, Alucard, my beautiful, fabulous son. Why, I love him so much that I literally GUSH over his amazingly brilliant and fantastically beautiful, handsome, shiny, flawless, perfect, sexy, sensual,muscular, flowery, sparkly-"
"AHEM." Alucard was standing right behind him.
"Umm, hello there! Heh heh...I...uhhh...I meant to say all of those things about my daughter, okay? I'm not gay." Dracula nervously replied in a fit of panic, sitting on the floor and backing up into the wall.
"You sick old man. You don't even have a daughter." Alucard replied. "Do you even realize how hard it was for me to stop myself from laughing at what you were saying about me?"
"P-Please...son, I didn't mean it. T-This book handled its female protagonist so pathetically badly that it somehow managed to singlehandedly, temporarily turn me into a homosexual." Dracula explained.
"Vampires don't sparkle, dickwad." Alucard told Dracula somewhat angrily.
"They do in this fucking train wreck of a love story!" Dracula explained, holding the book up with one hand and pointing at it with the other.
"What is this book called?" Alucard asked.
"Twilight." Dracula replied.
"WHAT?!" Alucard responded with shock. "That book put all of our vampiric generations combined to absolute shame and was simply nothing more than a total mockery of everything that both you and me have accomplished for our bloodline!"
"I no longer have any tolerance for such a vile, evil and detestable sin of a book, Father. Therefore, I need you to summon Richter, Death!" Alucard commanded.
"Very well, then." Death replied, teleporting Richter into the house.
"WHAT THE? HOLY CROSS!" Richter yelled in a wild fit of confusion and bewilderment, performing his ultimate Holy Cross attack.
Richter's ultimate Holy Cross attack tore the house's roof wide open and caused the floors, walls and staircases to collapse on top of themselves, basically demolishing the entire mansion in about five seconds flat.
"Damnit, Richter..." Alucard groaned. "Why must you be such an insufferable imbecile? Now I realize how insanely durable Dracula's old castle was, to be able to withstand the sheer power of such an attack..."
"Hold on a second. I'll check the rubble and see if I can find his whip somewhere in there." Death explained, approaching the piled-up remains of Dracula's mansion.
"THAT DAMNED BASTARD DESTROYED MY FUCKING HOUSE IN ONE HIT! ONE! FUCKING! HIT!" Dracula screamed with anger, pounding his fists and writhing on the driveway in a fit of anger and frustration. "WHERE IN THE SEVEN HELLS AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LIVE NOW!?"
Death levitated numerous pieces of rubble out of his way until he found Richter's arm, still holding the Vampire Killer whip, sticking out of the rubble, whipping the air for no apparent reason.
He sliced the arm off with his scythe, froze the rest of Richter's body with enough power to where the ice would only melt at extreme temperatures, and took the Vampire Killer whip from Richter's cold but not-quite-dead hands.
"I suppose I'll be 'borrowing' this whip for a little bit, if you don't mind." Death jokingly quipped.
"Ha ha. Very funny." Alucard retorted.
"Oh, how I love sarcasm!" Dracula responded.
"Alright, back to seriousness now." Death concluded. "In order to locate Stephanie Meyer's place of residence, we'll need to use the GPS on my Deathmobile, which I am able to summon at any time just by thinking long and hard enough about it." Death explained. Dracula snickered. "And don't laugh!" Death snapped at him. "We're already in deep enough shit as it is, shithead."
Death summoned the Deathmobile, which looked a lot like the Batmobile except with a skull on the front hood, opened the car's roof, jumped in and examined the GPS map. "Okay, it looks like she is in the Manayunk District of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania."
"What street is she on?" Alucard asked.
"Basically, she's on Gay Street." Death explained, causing Dracula to bust out laughing. "Shut your bloody mouth, you fuckin' wanker!" Death snapped at him again, shaking his fist at him with a pissed-off expression. "Don't make me bitch-slap you right in that smug, shit-eating face of yours again! I've got a hard hand and I'm not afraid to use it, you motherfucker!" Death yelled at him threateningly.
"Death, don't worry about the incredible immaturity of my father. I'll deal with it myself." Alucard explained.
"I know, but he's just being such a fucking stupid obnoxious cock-sucking douchebag piece of shit!" Death explained.
"Trust me, I'm used to his predictably unpredictable behavior." Alucard explained.
"What in the hell does that even mean?" Death asked.
"I honestly don't know, but he himself rarely makes any real sense whatsoever. Please just finish your explanation of the current mission at hand." Alucard demanded, giving Dracula the evil eye.
"ANYWAY," Death growled, "she lives in the general area of Gay Street. We'll know exactly where she is when the GPS leads us there."
"But because I'm a crazy senile dumbass, I decided to blockade the bridges leading across the Delaware River from New Jersey to Philadelphia...with a huge unavoidable storm of Medusa Heads!" Dracula suddenly remembered.
"Ah, but there's still one important thing you didn't blockade." Death pointed out.
"And what would that be, may I ask?" Dracula asked.
"The subway train passage on the lower underpass section of the Betsy-Ross Bridge." Death specified.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." Alucard groaned.