This fiction is an EPOV of New Moon - written very much in the style of Midnight Sun. As such, I have re-purposed the dialog from the book whenever Edward and his family are with Bella. But the thoughts, feelings and the story line of Edward and his family away from Bella have been created by me.
That being said, ALL of the Characterizations all belong to S. Meyer - with absolutely NO copyright infringement intended whatsoever, and this story is meant purely for entertainment purposes only.
2. Stitches
I'll handle this, Edward.
Centuries in the emergency room made Carlisle the one I counted on to save the situation. With his usual unshakable calm, he smoothly took control.
"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." He ordered, his quiet voice full of command.
Frowning with concentration, Emmett nodded curtly. "Come on, Jasper." I'll take care of him, Edward. Sorry about this. He thought as he got a fresh grip on Jasper's arms. Jasper twisted and struggled, his teeth bared, still snapping and growling, his thoughts an incoherent whirling mix of blood, death and destruction.
With Jasper under control for the moment, I whirled and crouched with my back to Bella, to protect her from anyone else that might make a move towards her. In their minds, I could see my own whitened, fierce, growling expression from six different view points, and I was catching the scent memory from all of them, despite the fact that I had quit breathing the second I realized that she had cut herself. It almost set my entire body on fire with the wanting of it, but I furiously blocked it from my thoughts. Even though it was my own very much loved family standing in front of me, I couldn't quite stop the low growl of warning that escaped my locked teeth and I stayed alertly on the defense, waiting to see what would happen next.
Rose, whose smug face made me want to leap across the small space between us and rip her head off, stepped in front of Jasper, cautiously avoiding his gleaming, snapping teeth and got a grip on him to help Emmett drag him from the room through the back glass door Esme was holding open, one hand over her nose and mouth to avoid smelling the blood.
This is what happens when you fall for a human. I hope you're happy, Edward. were Rose's snide thoughts as she left the room. I'd never actually hated Rosalie before, but I did in that moment. I would definitely need to calm down before going anywhere near her again.
I locked eyes with Esme, the heartsick look on her face made it clear how she felt about what happened even before I heard the sorrowful timbre of her thoughts. Oh Edward. Please don't hate Jasper for this. It wasn't his fault. He hasn't been away from human blood that long. You know he loves you... and Bella. I'm so very sorry this happened. Aloud she said, "I'm so sorry, Bella," her anguished cry followed her as she escaped to the yard.
Distracted as I was, I hadn't realized that Carlisle had come to stand quietly in front of me, patiently waiting for my protective instincts to be overridden by my concern for Bella's injuries. Finally, when he spoke it was so softly I barely heard it, even with my sensitive hearing.
"Let me by, Edward." He whispered. I hesitated the barest instant, and then relaxed my defensive crouch, nodding to the only Father I could remember. I turned to watch as he knelt by Bella, examining her wound, a large, jagged cut in her upper arm - and the source of the blood - whose sweet perfume I could still remember in all their memories and taste on my own tongue. This is going to need several stitches. He thought the last more to himself than to me.
Alice came forward and handed Carlisle a clean towel. "Here Carlisle." Until I saw her, I wasn't even aware that she was still in the room. Her mind swirled with so many thoughts, it was impossible for me to single out any one in particular.
Carlisle shook his head. "There's too much glass in the wound." He tore a strip from the already ruined table cloth and quickly and gently fashioned a tourniquet around her upper arm to stem the flow of blood. Since I wasn't breathing, still, the scent of it didn't bother me so much, but the memory of it did. I had actually had tasted Bella's blood once already... although not because I wanted to at the time.
A recent memory sparked, and a episode during Biology class reminded me that Bella had a weak stomach when it came to blood. The irony never failed to amuse me. Just the same, I peered closely at her to gauge her reactions. Surely shock had to be setting in. She did look a little paler than normal, and slightly queasy.
"Bella," Carlisle asked her quietly, "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" I knew that if she went to the hospital, Charlie would hear about it, and how would we explain what had happened then? From the look on her face, I could tell that Bella agreed with me.
"Here, please," she whispered in a voice so low, even I could barely hear it.
Alice was in motion immediately. Her thoughts were still in a jumbled mess, so I assumed she was just worried about my reaction to what Jasper had almost done. "I'll get your bag." she said, and then she disappeared.
"Let's get her to the kitchen table," Carlisle instructed me. Feeling the burn in my throat and trying very hard to ignore it, I lifted her up and held her carefully as I walked her into the kitchen. Carlisle held the makeshift tourniquet firm and moved with us.
"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle questioned her. I saw in his mind that he was afraid that she wasn't handling the pain very well, and he was trying to keep her calm. It would never cease to amaze me how easy he made it look. I'd worked with him in and around hospitals in decades past, and his complete control around the blood day in and day out, as well as his calming bedside manner, never failed to make me proud of him.
Proud to be called his son.
"I'm fine." Bella replied, and I was surprised that she sounded fairly steady. She must be doing better than I had thought. I tried again to distract myself from her nearness as I set her carefully in a chair. I hovered protectively over her, still holding my breath. Alice was waiting there with Carlisle's medical bag, and had already set up a bright lamp nearby. Carlisle pulled up another chair to sit in, and started to examine the gashes more closely in the brighter light.
My eyes must have given away my inner struggle with my always demanding thirst, because Bella looked up at me and huffed out a short breath of resignation and irritation.
"Just go, Edward."
"I can handle it," I snapped between my tightly clenched teeth, fighting to speak without taking a breath and risk getting a whiff of the glorious scent that I was sure permeated the room.
My throat felt like a desert - dry with dust and tumbleweeds - flaming with the memory of tasting Bella's always beckoning blood last Spring. I swallowed convulsively, fighting to stay where I was... knowing I should probably just leave. I'd had to suck the venom from the wound after James had bitten Bella on the hand, and remembering the glorious taste of it had my mouth drowning again in my own venom. I'd mostly buried the monster inside me after that episode, but I could feel him growling inside me now, remembering the taste of her blood with the scent memory I'd just been bombarded with. I knew Carlisle wouldn't let me do anything stupid, but I also knew better than to push myself past my own limits.. and I was quickly getting to that point.
Just keep a hold of yourself, just keep a hold of yourself, I thought over and over as my instinct to protect the girl I loved warred with the demanding black monster resurrected inside me. Don't give in.
"You don't need to be a hero," Bella pointed out, interrupting my internal battle with myself. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Go get some fresh air." and she flinched as Carlisle gave her a shot to numb her arm before he stitched up the long slices in her arm. The sight of her in pain rooted me to the spot just as I had thought to leave.
"I'll stay," I said, but my resolved sounded weak even to my own ears.
"Why are you so masochistic?" Bella muttered, impatient with me. My desire to stay wavered a little more, and my need to flee the scene quickly grew stronger.
Carlisle decided I had pushed myself far enough. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now." Hearing that Bella is going to be OK from you is the only thing that will stop him from beating himself up, Edward. He probably figures that you hate him for what he almost did here tonight. Carlisle added silently. It happens to the best of us... that break in control. He can't be blamed. Now go. As always, Carlisle added himself among that number, even though he'd never suffered from a break of that kind.
"Yes," Bella agreed quickly, "Go find Jasper."
Alice nodded. "You might as well do something useful." Please, Edward. I'm sure he feels just awful. I'll join you as soon as I can, and we'll talk to Jazz together. It was the first thing she'd clearly thought privately to me since Jasper had made his lunge for Bella.
I frowned slightly, not appreciating the way all of them had turned on me, but I was past the point when I could deal with my thirst effectively. My imagination had started to take over, picturing things I didn't need to think about, and hadn't thought about since the first day Bella had stepped into my Biology class. I looked at all three of them, nodded once, and then flashed instantly through the backdoor of the kitchen into the blessed fresh air of the back yard.
Once my feet hit the grass, I took several deep gulps of the crisp night air, trying to rid my senses of the memory of Bella's blood. I forced myself to breathe slowly, inhaling and exhaling several times to cleanse my mouth and throat to put out the flames of my thirst. It would never go away, but it wasn't always so dominant a force in my life as when I was around Bella.
Calm down and just breathe. Just breathe. "Quit being an idiot," I said out loud for my own benefit.
In a few minutes, after sufficiently calming myself, I turned to go and find Jasper. I discovered that I wasn't really mad at him. I thought that I would be, once I got outside and away from the scene, but I wasn't. It was in his nature, after all. It was in of all of us - this maddening thirst for human blood. It was and integral part of our canon, just as sleeping and eating regular food was for humans. Carlisle was right about that, as he was right about just about everything... it could have happened to anyone. It could have just as easily had been me that turned and attacked her.
By all rights, since I was vastly more sensitive to her blood than the rest of my family, it should have been me. The fact that I loved her more than anything else was the only thing that kept her even remotely safe from my thirst for her. And that might not always be enough. The potential that I could slip up and forget myself was always present. And if I killed her accidentally because I wasn't paying close enough attention to what I was doing or thinking, I would never be able to forgive myself.
I had thought that once I had made the determination that I would be strong enough to resist the insane desire for her blood, the greatest danger to her would be in the past. Tonight made me realize that it wasn't, and it never would be. In my world, Bella would always be in danger, and not always just from me.
My family was not the only coven of vampires around, and although they were my family's friends, as long as she remained human, she was still at risk of death from any one of them. There were always nomads around, like James and his small coven, and their simple curiosity about my family had nearly caused Bella's death because she was with us when they came to investigate the intermingling of our scents.
No. The safest thing for Bella would be for my family and I to just leave Forks... like we should have done when I first met her.
Gritting my teeth against the idea of leaving Bella, I walked around to the front of the house, following the mental 'voices' of my family.
As I followed the train of thoughts that buzzed in my head, I tried to gauge their emotions as I walked at human speed to find them, in no hurry for this confrontation. Eventually, I located all them clustered in the seldom used 'family room' built into the cavernous garage, in various states of turmoil, and I hesitated outside the door, 'listening'.
As was usual, Emmett was the most calm, his mind reviewing the events of the night, wondering idly if it could have been avoided. My older brother generally took things as they came, though, so this didn't really surprise me. He'd always been fairly open minded about the things that happened to and around him... never judging anyone by the choices they made. It was one of the reasons he was my favorite adopted sibling.
Rosalie still had the snide 'I told you so' edge to her thoughts, but she was thinking more or less about retuning her BMW yet again. Or buying a new car. She liked my Vanquish. Her thoughts waffled back and forth on that one for a few seconds, and then they turned to thinking how good she had looked for this party, even though it was in Bella's honor. The fact that she was thinking of herself after what had transpired tonight came as no surprise, either. And she dares to call me selfish and spoiled. I snorted mentally.
Tuned into Jasper's body language, Alice was analyzing his every minute move, and looking ahead into the future to see what the outcome of tonight would be based on what he was thinking. I skipped out of Alice's mind quickly - I didn't want to see what she saw if she looked ahead to see my decision being made. That possible future was too painful for me to face just yet.
Esme's thoughts caused me the most distress... so extremely worried about what had happened, the effect on Bella, how she would now feel about me and our family, and how I would react to it. I deeply regretted, for her sake, the choice I knew I must make soon. My leaving, should I be strong enough and choose to do so, would hurt her the most.
Taking a steadying breath, I focused on Jasper's mental voice last, preparing myself for what I would hear from him, firmly telling myself that whatever it was, I would deal with it calmly and not overreact.
Jasper, however, surprised me - caught me totally off guard - and with my gift of reading minds and all the thoughts that crossed them the instant they crossed them, that was nearly impossible to do. Knowing how he had originally felt about Bella, that she was nothing to us, only an insignificant human... he had thought she needed to be eliminated when she had found out about my family to keep her from revealing our secrets.
I was shocked to hear the intense shame in his mental voice as he berated himself over and over again for what he had tried to to her do tonight. As I shamelessly eavesdropped on his thoughts, I was more and more surprised to see how much his considerations of Bella had changed in the last six months. I discovered that he had started to truly care for her - to see her as an extension of our family - and as such, he saw her as an adopted little sister, and, more importantly, a good companion to Alice, whom he loved as he had never loved anyone else.
I suddenly realized that I hadn't really been paying very close attention to Jasper lately, my whole world had been revolving around Bella and our budding relationship, so I hadn't noticed this subtle shift in his attitude towards her. He tended to steer clear of us when we were around anyway, still overly cautious about his intense lingering desire for human blood. This discovery, coupled with the shock of how his feelings had built into an affection for this human girl that I loved, wiped out any left over feelings of anger I might have felt towards him.
Alright. It was time I confronted him, which he already knew was coming, and let him off the mental hook of his own making. I smiled grimly as I reached for the door knob, anticipating his surprise, knowing that it wouldn't be anything close to what he expected from me.
They all looked up at me as I walked in the side door and shut it behind me. All of them, that is, except Jasper. Everyone was oddly quiet.. and by quiet, I mean that no one was directing any thoughts my direction, and no one verbally said anything to me, waiting to see how I would react.
Sitting beside Jasper on one of the couches, Alice met my gaze calmly, holding Jasper's left hand tightly to remind me of how strong their bond was. He was hunched over with his elbows in his knees, so I was unable to see his face as she sent a mental plea my way. Please, Edward.. don't be too hard on him. You know he didn't mean it. I returned her stare unblinking, but smiled slightly to let her know what my frame of mind was. She relaxed marginally and took a breath.
Standing on the far side of Alice was Emmett, with Esme next to him, his hands in his pockets. He met my eyes when I looked up at him and shrugged, telling me that he would back me in whatever role I chose to play. Rose stood behind Alice, situated the furthest away from me, and wouldn't look me in the eye. If she was smart, that is where she would stay.
Jasper still didn't look up, his eyes locked on some small crack in the concrete, his shoulders rounded, his lean body as frozen as a statue made of marble. I wasn't even sure that he was breathing.
In his mind, the scene of his attack on Bella replayed over and over again.. and each time, his pain stabbed at him harder than the time before as he remembered with perfect clarity what he had tried to do to the girl that I loved. I flinched away from reliving the scene again, but I couldn't stop seeing it as it played out in his head.
In his version, however, I noticed that in about every other rewind, Alice replaced Bella in his minds eye. It took me a second to grasp it, but I suddenly realized that part of what pained him so badly was that he was putting himself in my place.. and how he would feel if I had done the same thing to Alice. Losing her would have destroyed him, so it gave him some small idea of what I would have felt had he succeeded in killing Bella in his moment of weakness.
I walked slowly to him, and crouched down in front of him, so that I was eye level with him. He still refused to look at me, but I could more clearly see the anguish carved into every line of his smooth, pale face. Slowly, so as not to spook him in his already rattled frame of mind, I reached out and cupped a gentle hand to the back of his neck. I heard Esme draw a quick breath in concern, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett wrap a big arm around her shoulders for support and draw her close to him.
Jasper tensed under my hand, clearly expecting a forceful retaliation from me, but obviously willing to take whatever I thought he deserved as punishment, without defending himself.
Cautiously leaning my upper body forward, I lightly rested my forehead against his, and heard him let out a long, gut-wrenching breath. Ah. So he hadn't been breathing. It struck me deeply that at this moment, Jasper, the one who could so easily control everyone else's emotions with barely a thought, had absolutely no power over his own.
"Jasper." I said quietly. No response... just his quietly ragged breathing. "Jasper." I tried again, a little louder. Still nothing. I waited him out. Suddenly, his mental pictures became a scattered, chaotic mess, like dry leaves in a tornado, and I knew now that he was listening to me.
"Brother... look at me," I whispered. Lightly, I squeezed his neck to focus his attention on me and away from the images swirling in his head. I knew that it took every ounce of inner strength that he had, but he finally raised his head to lean back and look into my eyes. "Listen to me," I held his gaze strongly, not allowing him to look away. "I don't blame you for what happened."
I could see the rebellion forming in his eyes, mentally intent on beating himself up, and I shook my head. "I. Don't. Blame. You." I enunciated every word to drive my point home. "Bella doesn't blame you. You are what you are."
Stopping for a second, I considered my next words carefully. "Jasper... you are... what we all are. It could have just as easily been me. Or Alice. Or Emmett." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Emmett nodding his head, a slight grin on his face. Big monster, I thought, with a mental shake of my head.
I continued, still holding his gaze with mine. "If I am completely honest with myself right now, I am the one to blame. I am the one who fell in love with Bella... a human girl. I put the temptation out there.. for all of us. You haven't been following our way of life as long. We have no right to expect you to be anything other than what you are."
I paused to let those words sink in, and then squeezed his neck again for emphasis. "Jasper, you are my brother... in all ways that matter.. and family has to support family. I. Will. Not. Let. You. Blame. Yourself. For. This." As I spoke, my voice grew in strength, finally ending in a command with a military ring to it.
Hearing the authority in the tone of my voice, Jasper pulled himself up a little, searching my eyes with his own, testing my level of honesty. For the first time, I felt him sample the mood around me, feeling with his other 'sense', what my emotional state was to confirm to himself if what I said was true.
I was completely calm. As good as I had become at lying over the decades, lying to Jasper to save his feelings about this never crossed my mind. I spoke nothing but the truth, because, deep down, I believed everything I had just said to him. It was my fault. Not his. It should have never happened. It only happened because I had fallen in love... helplessly in love... with a human girl. I was the one who should be burning with shame... not Jasper.
What he felt must have reassured him that I was telling the truth as he sat up straighter, brought up his chin, squared his shoulders and squeezed Alice's hand. I dropped my hand from his neck and patted her knee. She smiled at me. Thanks big brother. I winked at her.
Jasper drew a deep breath. Thank you, Edward. I don't deserve your forgiveness... or Bella's. His mental voice was humble. I reached out with my other hand, and after a long moment, he took it in his, and I gave it a healthy squeeze... just once. He didn't smile, but nodded, and I knew that everything would be back to normal soon. Or, as normal as my strange vampire family ever came close to being.
"We aren't speaking of this again." I said, for the rest of the family's benefit.
Standing up, I looked each one of them in the eye, finally glaring at Rose to drive my point home. She returned my look for a long moment, and then looked away, turning to busy herself with getting something out of her car. Esme headed back up to the house, already thinking about cleaning up the mess left from the events of the evening. Alice stood up with Jasper, and they both walked out of the garage and into the night, probably to be alone for a few moments together, now that the crisis had passed. Emmett came forward to clap me on the back, grinning.
"I told them you'd be cool about it." he laughed in his typical, always happy way. Nothing ever seemed to phase him. After all, it's not like some of us haven't slipped up before. Emmett silently said with a thump on his own chest and a big grin. I narrowed my eyes at him, and he held his hands up, unrepentant. You know it's true. He thought, chuckling. I just sighed and shook my head.
"I need to go and check on Bella and get her home." I sighed. "And," I added, my voice full of sorrow as I felt again the weight of the choice I would have to make. "I have some serious thinking to do." Emmett looked at me closely, and I just shook my head and stuffed my hands in my pants pockets. For once, he didn't smile.
I wandered aimlessly out of the garage, into the dark stillness of the back yard. The crickets were chirping, somewhere a frog croaked, and off in the distance, I could hear the creek that ran along the back edge of our property whispering over the rocks and the moss that grew there. Usually, when I was troubled, I was able to take comfort in the stillness of nature. But not tonight.
Tonight, I could find no solace in the simple enjoyment of the life that teemed in the woods surrounding me. Tonight, my mind was a spinning, cluttered mess of emotions and horrifying images of the events that had happened this evening.
"What the hell happened?" I muttered darkly, disgusted with how the evening had ended.
Had we really only been at my house less than three hours? It seemed unreal that the future should be able to change so quickly, and yet I knew from past experience-decades of it-that it was very possible. Take me, for example. One minute, I was dying in a hospital bed of Spanish Influenza, and in the blink of an eye, once Carlisle made the choice to 'save' me, my whole future was suddenly different.
At a shuffling walk, I roamed the damp grass of the yard, arguing with myself of the differences between the right thing and the wrong thing to do now. The right thing, would be to leave Forks, and as a result... leave Bella.
That last thought was so immediately painful, it drove the breath from my body and doubled me over. Before I knew quite what had happened, I discovered that I was on my knees in the wet grass, my hands clenched into fists.
Gasping for breath, I squeezed my eyes shut against the agony the thought of leaving her caused. I had read stories in books in the past of people who had lost loves, and who had felt like their very hearts had been ripped cruelly from their chests.
I could now, for the first time in my existence, understand what they meant when they described it that way.
Several minutes passed as I crouched there, trying to get control. Oddly, I found myself suddenly comparing this pain - the pain of voluntarily leaving Bella to save her from the fear of accidents like tonight - to the pain of last Spring, when I had thought that I might be too late to save her from James.
For reasons I didn't quite understand at first, it seemed like this pain was much worse than when I had thought I might have lost her forever. Then, in a sudden flash of insight, I realized why this moment hurt so much more.
When I had thought I might have lost her previously, I was prepared to follow her.. if not into Heaven, where I was positive she would go.. then at least from this world, into whatever awaited me... if anything. Or nothing. I would not allow myself to suffer one day longer in this world, knowing that she was not a part of it. As I had told Bella earlier in the evening, I would have immediately found a way to end my life.
Now, that the possibility of leaving her was on the horizon, I knew I would suffer every day, for the rest of my limitless life, knowing she was alive, but never seeing her again. That pain was almost physically crippling.
I took a deep, steadying breath and stood up, wiping my wet hands on my dress slacks. Suffer I would... because I loved her that much. I loved her enough to leave her.
Even as selfish as I was, I knew it was the right choice to make. Even as painful as that would be, just knowing that she was well and happy, either here in Forks, or somewhere else, at least she would be alive... something that I could not guarantee if I stayed with her.. no matter how cautious I was. Tonight proved that.
"But are you strong enough?" I whispered to myself in the darkness. "You love her enough, but are you strong enough?" I wasn't sure that I was.
Turning back towards the front of the house, I knew that I really wasn't any closer to making a firm decision about what I needed to do than I was when I had stepped out here. The main reason I knew that was because Alice wasn't out here, begging me to stay. I knew the minute I made a definite plan to leave, she would be all over me, having seen the future in the choice I'd made.
I wasn't ready to face that at all. I was pretty sure that the only member of my family that loved Bella almost as much as I did was Alice. She would not be happy about leaving... should it come to that. Not at all.
Pausing outside the front door, I could hear Bella and Carlisle talking within - -Carlisle's calm, comforting voice, as always, reaching out and soothing my rattled nerves, acting as a buffer to my over reactive personality.
I listened as he told Bella the story of having changed me into my current self to save me from suffering the same fate as my mother. I reached out with my extra sense, trespassing into his head as he spoke, seeing Bella's face, rapt with wonder as she listened to his tale, and for the first time in many decades, in his clear vampiric memory, I saw the face of my mother. She was so beautiful... even in the final moments of her life, as she pleaded with him to save mine.
I crept in through the door, quietly, even though I knew he had to have heard me, and listened from the shadows of the dining room. Carlisle told Bella about the remorse he had felt for making my transformation difficult - although I doubt there would've been any other way. Remembering the agony of it very clearly, I couldn't imagine it not being painful... for anyone. Yet one more thing I wanted to save Bella from experiencing.
Truly, Edward, I'm so very sorry that you had to suffer through it, but I'm not sorry that I did it. You are my son. Carlisle thought, and I knew he had indeed heard me enter the house.
I checked my emotions, calmed myself internally, and smoothed my features into an unreadable mask. It wouldn't do for Bella to know ahead of time what I was considering. She would fight with me about it, and I wasn't sure if I was up to the task tonight... if ever.
Finally satisfied that I was as about as rational as I could be about the decision I was facing, I went ahead and walked into the living room.
Carlisle smiled at Bella. "I suppose I should take you home now." He said.
"I'll do that," I said, stepping into Bella's line of sight. Her liquid brown eyes locked on mine instantly, and I knew I was right to prepare myself before stepping into the room. She was already on full alert, studying my face, trying to read my emotions. I suppose I should have expected that.
"Carlisle can take me," she said, glancing down at her bloodied shirt. I hadn't had time to notice it before, but she was quite covered in it, and it took me a second to register that I hadn't felt the normal reactionary throb of my throat to the scent. I wondered idly what the cause of that would've been.
Oh... I'm not breathing. That would be why. I guess it's become a habit now. I snorted mentally.
"I'm fine." I stated calmly, keeping my face smooth. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." and I turned and walked swiftly out of the kitchen door, heading for the garage, mentally roaming out for Alice's whereabouts.
I found her and Jasper sitting down by the creek bank where it curved in closer to the far edge of the garage. Jasper looked up and made immediate direct eye contact with me when I came through the trees. His face was calm, no trace of the frazzled emotional state that he had been in when he left the garage in earlier, but his body posture was tense. I nodded just slightly, and he relaxed somewhat. I saw Alice squeeze his hand, unaware of our silent exchange, and she looked from Jasper to me, judging our reactions to each other.
Is everything okay, Edward? Alice asked me silently as I came closer. I reached up to run a hand through my hair, a reassuring gesture that I had adapted from the many silent conversations Alice and I had had over the years. Her face relaxed.
"Is Bella alright?" she asked aloud for Jasper's benefit, not knowing that he had asked the same question in thought the moment he'd heard me coming. I could hear the deep remorse still present in his mental voice, and I felt bad for him. It would take him a long time to forgive himself completely.
"Yes, she is going to be fine. Carlisle has her stitched up." I chuckled to ease the tension. "You've seen her walk... I'm fairly sure she's had worse injuries in her life." I winked. Jasper smiled a little at that, and I saw in his mind a memory of Bella tripping over her own feet walking down the halls at school. I smiled back at him, nodding. "See?" He nodded back, more relaxed than he was when I had first walked up. Alice looked from Jasper to me and back again.
"What?" she demanded. It didn't bother her to have silent, one-sided conversations with me, but she hated it when she was the one left out. "What did you show him, Jazz?"
Jasper chuckled."Bella's two left feet." Alice smiled, and we all had a quiet laugh about it.
"I'm taking her home," I said as they stood up quickly, brushing the moss and dirt off their clothes. "I do need you to grab something for her to wear first though, " I told Alice. "I can't take her home to Charlie covered in cake frosting and blood. He'd probably have heart failure."
"Oh goodness you're right about that one," Alice rushed, the picture in her head the last vision she had of Bella as she had slipped out the door. I couldn't help the wince at her perfect memory. Alice grimaced in apology.
Oh... her tone was contrite. Sorry, Edward... I shrugged. Jasper leaned forward and kissed Alice quickly.
"I'm sure that you will both understand if I remain here," he said, flashing us a crooked, sheepish grin. "It's better to be safe than sorry... again." I nodded at him, smiling a little as I reached out and squeezed his shoulder.
Alice and I flitted silently back to the house, heading directly to the back doors. I held the door open for Alice and stood back waiting for her as she bounded forward to grab Bella's uninjured arm.
"C'mon," she said. "I'll get you something a little less macabre to wear." and she pulled Bella from the room.
As the girls disappeared upstairs, I stood by the door, waiting. The smell of bleach was almost overpowering, but I knew it was a necessity. Lord knows I didn't need to have that oh-so-pleasing aroma as a constant presence in the house. Or a reminder.
Perhaps it would be the final straw to drive me totally insane.
Or maybe I was there already. Who the hell knew anymore?
I couldn't bear to meet the glances that Esme kept shooting in my direction, so I kept my eyes on the floor, waiting in frozen silence for the girls to finish upstairs.
Esme stowed away the cleaning products and went to sit stiffly on a dining chair next to Carlisle. He was watching me stand alone by the door, having perched himself on the edge of the dining room table, just one of many 'props' in this house that were never used for their intended purpose.
Edward, My father's voice slipped silently into my head, gaining my immediate attention, although I didn't look up, nor did I look at him. We were as good at these silent, one-sided conversations as Alice and I were. Too many decades of practice.
Don't over react. I can tell by the look on your face what you're thinking, he thought. Give it some time to pass before you start thinking about taking drastic actions. I slipped my hands into my pockets and shrugged slightly to let him know I heard him and understood what he was trying to say.
Don't leave us, came Esme's silent plea. I couldn't help reacting to her, the only mother that I knew.
Quickly looking up, I could see the sadness etched in every line of her face at the thought of losing me. I couldn't look away as she begged with her eyes and more silent mental pleas to stay with them. I smiled at her gently, and shook my head, silently telling her that I had decided nothing yet. That eased the stress in her mind, and she relaxed against the back of the chair.
Upstairs, I could hear whispered voices, but they were low enough that even with my over sensitive hearing, I couldn't make out what was being said.
Damn. I wished again that I could get inside Bella's silent mind. I gritted my teeth.
Well... I couldn't get into Bella's head, but Alice's on the other hand...
I took a quick peek into Alice's head and saw Alice's thoughts flash to Jasper, realized that Bella had asked how he was doing, and then I skipped out again realizing that Bella was changing clothes, and I need to get out before I saw something through Alice's eyes of Bella that I didn't need to see. Even though a part of me really wanted to take a look, I wasn't going to do that. I didn't need any more temptation. Especially not now.
No... definitely not now.
Hell, I'm still a man... I thought, feeling my hands clenching into fists at the thought of seeing Bella undressed. I took a deep breath and again smoothed the worry lines out of my face, hearing the girls coming back down the stairs.
As soon as Bella hit the bottom of the stairs and made eye contact with me, I held the door open for her, silently telling her that it was time to go. She frowned slightly as she started walking slowly in my direction, and I figured that I hadn't done much of a job keeping my expression neutral. Oh well. It would have to talked about eventually. No time like the present.
Alice darted forward to grab Bella's presents, both opened and unopened, as well as her camera from where they had been placed out of the way underneath my piano and flitted back to Bella's side.
"Take your things!" she said as she tucked the gifts into Bella's uninjured arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."
I stood stonily silent as Esme and Carlisle said subdued goodbye's to Bella... both of them casting questioning, worried looks my way as I waited with the door open. I avoided making eye contact with them, absorbed in watching Bella making what she thought were subtle furtive glances at me.
Breezing past me out the door and down the steps, I had to walk faster than the normal human speed I usually adopted with Bella to keep pace with her. She seemed relieved to be out of my house and away from the scene of the accident. I couldn't say that I blamed her. I was glad as well. Tonight was one night I would rather forget. Too bad I never would.
Silently we walked to her truck and I held the passenger side door open for her again, somewhat surprised when she climbed in without grouching about it.
Inside the truck, the new stereo waited, shiny and new and completely out of place in the beat up old Chevy. Emmett, as a final touch to his thoughtful gift, had added a nice red bow... stuck to the dashboard. Bella pulled the bow off as I climbed into the drivers seat and dropped it on the floorboard. When she thought I wasn't paying attention, she kicked it underneath the seat. I refused to look at the stereo, and Bella refused to turn it on, so it loomed like an elephant in the silent cab of the truck as I drove too quickly back towards Forks.
After tonight's nearly deadly events, it didn't take being a mind reader for her to figure out that I wasn't happy. I could hear her heart starting pick up it's pace, and I knew instinctively that she was searching for something to say to me. My continued silence had to be driving her crazy. Honestly, it was driving me crazy. The difference between us was that she didn't know what to say, and I knew what I needed to say, but I didn't want to say it.
I was having a really hard time trying to keep up my carefully crafted outward calm facade. One wrong word, and I was sure that all of my bottled up terror over what had almost happened tonight would coming pouring out. I didn't want it to happen that way. She'd already gone through more than any human being ever should because of her association with me and my family. I didn't need to add "hurting her feelings" to the list. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore. "Say something," she begged as I pulled the truck out onto the highway.
I kept my voice carefully neutral as I said, "What do you want me to say?" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her wince.
"Tell me you forgive me." she all but begged.
That surprised me, and made me mad all at the same time. I felt the tight hold I had on my emotions slip a fraction.
"Forgive you? For what?" I demanded flatly.
She wouldn't look at me. "If I'd have been more careful, nothing would have happened."
Another slip in my grip. "Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut - that hardly deserves the death penalty." I spat, nearly grinding my teeth.
"It's still my fault." she stated.
Her words were like a slap in the face, and I felt my control slide away.
"Your fault?" I gripped the steering wheel so tightly, I nearly snapped it. "If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened was what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage?" I drew a ragged breath, my mind screaming at me to stop, but my mouth was simply unable to. "If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own - without someone throwing you into them - even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up - and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." I finished my rant on a growl.
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" She demanded, incensed.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I snarled. I couldn't help the sound of disgust. As much as I loathed the boy, he would most certainly be the better choice of suitors, should she need to choose between the two of us. It made me sick to admit it, but I knew it to be true.
"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," Bella argued. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
"Don't be melodramatic, please." I groaned, wallowing in my self loathing.
"Well then, don't you be ridiculous." She huffed. I refused to answer and stared out the windshield instead.
We drove the remaining distance to her house in silence. I pulled up in front of her house, and shut the truck off, realizing that my hands were still clenched around steering wheel in a death grip. I sat and waited, refusing to speak for fear I'd not be able to shut up again. I'd already done enough damage to the evening with my previous outburst. No need to make it any worse.
"Will you stay tonight?" Bella asked in a small voice.
Of course I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay more than anything, but it would make it harder for me to carefully consider all the choices I needed to consider.
Oh hell. Who was I kidding? No one but myself. Staying with her tonight would make it harder for me to leave her later.
"I should go home." I stated quietly. I needed my space to think effectively.
"For my birthday," she pushed.
"You can't have it both ways - either you want people to ignore your birthday, or you don't. One or the other." It irritated me that she was trying to play on my emotions that way, but I couldn't be mean to her. She was right.. it was still her birthday.. as disastrous as it had turned out.
"Okay. I've decided I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." She jumped out of the truck and turned to pick her presents off the seat. I couldn't help the frown I felt crease my forehead.
"You don't have to take those." I said, trying to give her an out, but knowing if I said that, she would want them all the more.. and I really wanted her to take them.
"I want them." she responded immediately... just like I knew she would.
"No you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." I pushed.
"I'll live." She picked up the gifts and tucked them under her uninjured arm and reached back to slam the truck door. I jumped out of the truck and was standing next to her before she could blink twice.
"Let me carry them, at least," I offered, reaching out to take them from her. "I'll be in your room." I told her.. against my better judgement. I allowed myself a mental snort of disgust. When it came to anything regarding Bella, I was convinced that my better judgement had taken a vacation a long time ago.
I was rewarded with one of her breathtaking smiles. "Thanks."
"Happy birthday," I gave up and leaned down to give her a quick peck on the lips, pulling away quickly when she came up on her tip toes to extend the kiss longer than I had prepared myself for. I grinned at her in silent apology and then I melted into the dark night and watched as she went in through the front door and closed it behind her before I took a quick two stepped sprint and jumped quickly up to her second story window and smoothly let myself inside.
Inside her now too familiar bedroom, I could clearly hear the sound of the TV on downstairs, and her and her father exchanging greetings. I wandered over to her bed and crawled into the middle of it, sitting cross legged with the unopened gifts in my lap.
As I sat there, I decided that I wouldn't say anything about what was on my mind tonight. It was still her birthday, and for what was left of it, I was going to allow her to have her happiness. I wouldn't take that from her.
I could hear her now in the bathroom... taking what she called, "a human minute". It had never failed to make me laugh before when she had said that - her beautiful eyes sparkling, a smile on her perfect lips. Now, it just pointed out the glaringly obvious differences between us. She was human. I was a vampire. It would never work... and it nearly killed me to admit it.
As much as I wanted to see her, she was coming down the hall to her bedroom much sooner than I was ready for her to. I wasn't sure I would be able to keep my emotions off my face and keep the rest of our evening light. For her though, as with everything, I would try. Dammit all... I would try.
I looked up when she came in, playing with the bow on one of the gifts she had yet to open.
"Hi." I said quietly. She stopped and looked at me critically for a second. Judging by the look on her face, I'd failed that attempt to keep it light.
The next thing I knew, she was climbing onto the bed with me, taking all of the boxes out of my hands, setting them aside and then crawling carefully into my lap. Surprised, I didn't even have a chance to draw a readying breath before she snuggled up to my chest. I wound my arms around her, pulling her in as close to me as was possible. Inhaling her wonderful scent, I carefully committed it to memory. I never wanted to forget it, although I didn't think I ever could.
"Hi." she said back. "Can I open my presents now?"
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I wondered aloud.
"You made me curious."
She picked up the gift from Carlisle and Esme. I took it from her. "Allow me," I offered. In one quick move, I had the wrapping completely torn away, and handed her back the white rectangle box inside.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she mumbled, but I let it pass, pretending I didn't hear her.
She opened the box and looked inside. Laying there were the plane tickets that my parents had purchased for her. I could see that she wasn't sure what they were just yet, but I didn't want to spoil the eventual surprise by telling her what they were before she figured it out on her own.
Bella picked up the tickets, setting the box down, and proceeded to read them over carefully. I counted to fifty before I saw that it had finally sunk in what they were.
"We're going to Jacksonville?" I smiled at the excitement in her tone. It was nice that the gift was so well received. I wasn't sure it would be.
"That's the idea." I laughed.
"I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." She said, always worried about someone else's happiness before her own.
"I think I can handle it." I said, frowning. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."
"Well of course it's too much," she stated her tone implying that it should have been obvious. "But I get to take you with me!"
I had to laugh a little. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being so reasonable."
Bella set the tickets aside, and reached for my gift, curiosity written all over her face. I took it from her, as I had with the last gift, and tore the paper off quickly.
Inside was a clear CD jewel case, a silver CD inside, with nothing written on it. It was this that I handed back to her, a small smile on my face.
She took the CD from me and turned it over in her hands, confused. "What is it?" she asked, completely stumped.
I took the CD out of the case, and reached around her to put the disk into the CD player she had sitting on her nightstand next to the bed. Pushing play, I waited in breathless silence a few moments for my gift to her to make itself known. Then the music started.
I locked my eyes on her face, anxious for her reaction. I willed with everything that I was that she would like it. I had poured my heart and soul into this CD for her of my piano music, and I had waited all day for this moment to come.
Her eyes wide, her jaw fell open, and for a few moments, she couldn't say anything. Then I saw the tears welling up, and I was suddenly worried that her arm was paining her. I reached up and brushed away the tears in concern.
"Does your arm hurt?" I asked her quickly, worried that she might be in pain.
"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." she gushed, then stopped to listen.
I was pleased with how well my gift had gone over. I'd recorded a bunch of my piano compositions on the CD for her, starting with the lullaby I had written for her soon after we'd met. It took me some time to decide on what the perfect gift would be... one that she would actually accept without complaint. I'd recalled how much she enjoyed sitting at my piano with me when I played, content to just listen. I was glad that I had thought of this.
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so that I could play for you here," I explained, smiling.
"You're right." Bella laughed quietly.
'"How does your arm feel?" Regardless of what she said, I was aware that it had started to pain her again. I was fairly sure that the shot Carlisle had given her to numb the area had worn off by now. Her own natural body heat was one constant I was used to feeling, but in addition to that, I was able to pick up the extra heat that the wound was radiating through the bandage where she had her arm pressed against my chest as she sat on my lap.
"Just fine, actually." she lied unconvincingly.
Gently, I slid her off my lap and on to the bed. "I'll get you some Tylenol."
"I don't need anything," she argued. I knew better.
"Charlie," she all but hissed at me as I headed for the door.
Her father didn't know that I usually spent five nights out of seven cuddled up with his daughter upstairs in her room as she peacefully slept the night away. Granted, I was fully clothed, and she was always safely in modest pajama's as well as being cocooned in a blanket to protect her from my icy body temperature, but, we figured he would probably have an apoplexy anyway, so we kept the secret..
Despite her repeated attempts to get me to set aside my self control and do a little more than some mild kissing, I remained stubbornly strong, and refused to let things get out of hand... even when she really pushed me.. which, lately, had been more than was normal for her. I suspected it had everything to do with her obsessive desire to become a vampire, but I kept that notion to myself, not wanting to start that fight again.
How I managed to keep from throwing caution to the wind during those instances and just going for it, I'm still not sure. I'd never wanted anything so badly in my entire existence. It was almost expected by girls for us to try stuff like that. Or, so I'd been told. However, seeing as how the mere idea of touching Bella in any fashion beyond just kissing her caused my mouth to suddenly swim in venom, I was positive that I wasn't up to that attempting that task... just yet. Satisfying my recently rampant curiosity about sex wasn't worth risking her life if my lust for her blood suddenly overwhelmed the lust for her body.
"He won't catch me," I promised as I swung her door open, and I proceeded to prove it by flitting to the bathroom, grabbing the glass off the counter and the bottle of Tylenol from the medicine cabinet and catching the door before it could close on the back swing.
I popped open the bottle of pills, shook two out into my hand, and gave them and the glass to her, along with a stern glare in case she tried to refuse me. She surprised me by obediently tossing them into her mouth and washing them down with the water I'd given her without a word. Her arm must really be bothering her.
With my piano music - her lullaby, actually - playing softly from the CD player, I looked her over critically, deciding that she needed to sleep... and I needed to think. The best way to accomplish both was to just put her in bed, climb in with her and hold her until she fell asleep. It might not be the best idea, considering what I needed to think about, but I didn't see any way to get out of it at the moment. The conversation I anticipated having with her soon was not one I wanted to have tonight. I would have to do it this way. And, selfishly, I was OK with that.
"It's late," I announced suddenly. Before she knew what was happening, I reached down and scooped her up in one arm, yanked the bed cover back with the other and laid her in bed gently with her head on her pillow. After I'd tucked her quilt in around her, I laid down next to her and wrapped my arm around her. She laid her head against my hard shoulder and sighed. The happiness I heard in the sound caused my face to twist in pain, and I was very glad that she was unable to see it.
"Thanks again," she whispered. It was so soft, I almost didn't hear it.
"You're welcome." I replied as softly.
We lay there listening to the music for awhile as I waited for her to drift off to sleep. My mind was whirling a thousand miles a minute with thoughts I didn't want to be thinking about.
Thoughts I had to think about.
I needed to find the strength to leave her. Somehow. After the near close call with Jasper, I knew deep down in my core that it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do.
The wrong thing to do would be to stay here and selfishly continue to endanger her life every time I was with her or brought her around my family. What happened to tonight was very mild compared to what could have happened.
Hell, her association with me had already almost gotten her killed by James! How many more close calls was it going to take before we realized that this just wouldn't work out between us?
I think that if I could have vomited from pain, that last thought would have caused it.
The CD drifted from Bella's Lullaby to the song I'd composed for Esme as a tribute to her love for Carlisle. I closed my eyes and listened, trying to shut out the painful thoughts and drown myself in the music as it played.
If only it was really that simple to die. What a pleasant way to go. Much better than the alternative... Ugh.
"What are you thinking about?" Bella sleepily asked out of the blue, totally taking me by surprise.
I had to think about it for a moment before I answered her. I didn't want to lie to her-that would have to happen soon enough as it was-but I didn't want to tell her the whole truth, either. Not tonight.
"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." I answered as truthfully as I could. She deserved at least that. Just the same, I felt her shudder at my words.
Sometimes, I wondered who was reading whose mind.
"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked me, a little too quickly. It was obvious to me that she was trying to distract me from whatever it was that I was thinking about.
"Yes," I admitted carefully, waiting for the punchline.
"Well, I was thinking that since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again." she twisted to look up at me. I smiled down at her.
"You're greedy tonight." There was nothing I wanted more at that very moment than to kiss her. OK. If I was honest with myself, I wanted a lot more than that, but a kiss would have to suffice. It might be the last one I ever get to experience.
"Yes, I am-but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she snapped. Damn. Now I'd made her angry. That wasn't what I had set out to do.
I laughed, but there was no heart in it. Her words sobered me even further than I had already been. I was already facing having to do something I didn't want to do.
And it was killing me.
I sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," the words came out slightly strangled as my throat threatened to close off from the pain the thoughts of leaving her caused me... so much more potent now than the ache of my blood thirst for her.
I lightly grasped her chin and pulled her face up to lightly touch my lips to hers. One, I swore to myself. Just one soft, innocent kiss. And that's it. One last... kiss.
Gently, I held her chin as my lips moved on hers, much the same way they always did. It was familiar, this feeling. I'd grown accustomed to the feelings that kissing Bella evoked within me. The primal stirrings I felt. These were easy to control. Sometimes.
Right on cue, her heart started it's stuttering tempo as it reacted to my kiss. Hearing it thumping so erratically, and the smug feeling of hearing her breathing quicken almost made me smile, as it usually did.
And then it hit me. This was not the 'usual' kiss. This was my goodbye kiss. The chapter before the end game. The preparation for the exit scene.
I wasn't ready for this.
I'm not exactly sure what happened next.
Suddenly, of it's own volition, my free hand reached up, before I knew what I was even doing and tangled itself deeply into the hair at the base of her neck. I heard her breathing pick up even more in response, her hands tangled into my own hair. I felt my hand holding her tightly to my mouth, pressing on her neck to lock my mouth on hers as I kissed her with more urgency than I'd ever felt before.
Bella responded by crushing her body against mine, holding me tightly, and I could feel her delicious human heat through the quilt that separated us. We were too close, and at the same time, not near close enough. I wanted more.
Much more.
I wanted it all.
It was pain. So much pain. Not only was my throat flaming from the fire of my ever maddening, always present thirst, but my body was just as fiercely aching with the pain of wanting her in ways I could never have her, and all the while my mind throbbed with knowing that this was my goodbye. The agony of it all combined nearly crushed me.
I couldn't do this. I couldn't. I wouldn't survive it.
I had to.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, trying to put out the various flames within me, I somewhat abruptly pushed her away...ending the kiss, and detangling my hand from her hair as gently as possible as I did so. She fell back against her pillow, still breathing heavily.
I knew how she felt. I felt like a complete criminal having done what I had just done to her. I would never be able to forgive myself for that. But, I knew I would carry the memory of that kiss with me for the rest of my existence.
"Sorry," I said.. still trying to calm my own heavy breathing. "That was out of line." I apologized softly.
"I don't mind," she panted, still out of breath.
I couldn't stop the frown I felt crease my face. "Try to sleep, Bella."
She'd been so cooperative all night, it surprised me when she argued back, "No, I want you to kiss me again."
The memory of our last kiss washed over me. I couldn't taint that perfect memory with a more chaste kiss. Despite how painful it was, leaving it as the last kiss we ever shared, I wanted to have that passion as the memory I clung to.
"You're overestimating my self-control." I muttered darkly.
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she challenged quickly.
I chuckled despite the despair I felt. "It's a tie." and then I sighed. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"
"Fine," she huffed, snuggling closer to me. I felt her slyly shift her injured arm so that it was pressed against my shoulder. I could feel the heat coming from the wound, and guessed at the reason she had done so... it was paining her. I shifted my body to make it easier for her to access the chill of my skin and she sighed in contentment, the heat in the stitches lessening in response to the coolness of my touch.
Well, at least I was good for something.
My mind was whirling with the images of our final kiss, and my whole body tightened in reply, and I felt the slight secretion of venom begin again. My throat felt as if it shriveled from the dry, parched heat as I breathed in deeply through my nose and mouth over and over again, concentrating on breathing in Bella's own beautiful, mouth watering scent... committing it clearly and firmly to my perfect memory.
My perfect vampiric memory.
As I thought the last, I felt Bella shudder down into the final stages of sleep, and decided that it was a fitting response for her to have. When it came to me, it was the first one she'd ever had.