I was walking out of the Cambias building, just having dropped Miranda off after spending the day together. It had been a great day up until than. Up until I heard Bianca on the phone making dinner plans with Spencer, her intern, a very sweet, very good looking girl of 19 who I know has a crush on MY Bianca. I know I have no right to be bitter, Bianca and I have been broken up for over a year and it's only been the last few months that she's allowed me back into her life, as a friend of course. A not quite distant but not quite close friend, who just happens to be her daughter's other parent, who she would occasionally flirt with and on a few occasions had kissed.
When she first came back to Paris, I naively assumed it had something to do with me, but she squashed that thought faster than Ruben Studdard's music career. She did finally relent after a month to allow me to spend time with Miranda, with Miranda's nanny. I would pick Miranda up outside of the penthouse and then return her there with the nanny, never seeing Bianca. It took two more months before I was allowed to take Miranda without her nanny and actually see Bianca each time. It was a bit awkward and strange. There was a distance there that seemed wider than the Grand Canyon and I didn't know how to breech it. I was too afraid to lose what little leeway I had made in at least being able to be back in the penthouse for those few brief minutes, for being allowed to spend at least one day a week with Miranda. I think she was afraid to let down those walls. She always seemed to be looking or waiting for something. For what, I don't know, for me to bail again, or for me to try and take that leap across all the distance that was between us, or something else entirely, maybe all of the above, take your pick. We would say hello, I would tell her what plans I had with Miranda that day and then when I brought Miranda home she would say good bye. I never made it past the entryway, except for the one time I asked to use the bathroom. I found a sliver of hope in the fact that she still had a photo of the three of us sitting on the mantle of the fireplace.
It took three more months before she actually asked me how my residency was going, before she actually showed an interest in my life. I was shocked. I was dropping Miranda off after a late day, I had taken her to Cirque du Soleil. She asked me to tuck her in when we got back, Bianca was standing there. I was trying to find a graceful way out so that Bianca wouldn't seem like the bad guy, but she actually smiled and said it was a great idea. I felt my heart soar and that sliver of hope grew just a bit more.
I felt tears in my eyes as I got to bath Miranda, read her a bedtime story, tuck her in and then give her a kiss good night. If this last year and a half has taught me anything it's to appreciate the little things. Those ordinary, everyday things that we don't seem to realize how precious they are until we can no longer do them. Those moments that add up to a life together with the ones you love. Those moments I was missing out on each day Bianca and I failed to get back together.
As I was leaving, she actually stopped me and that's when she asked how things were. How I liked the hospital I was working at. I told her it was challenging but in a good way, I felt as if I was actually making a difference. She just listened to me go on for a good ten minutes, with a wistful smile on her face. For those moments it was almost as if the previous year hadn't happened. It was just me sharing something that meant a lot to me with someone who meant the world to me. For those moments I was grateful but it also had a bitter taste as that's all it was, just a taste of everything I was missing in my life.
It took another month before we actually started making small talk, lingering a little longer in the entryway when I would pick Miranda up or drop her off. I was starting to notice that she was actually looking at me, not through me or everywhere else but actually at me. She was also smiling at me a lot more, I felt that sliver of hope I held close to get me though the long nights get that much bigger. It was during that time that I realized that maybe all hope wasn't lost, that maybe we could get back to where we had been.
The first time she had invited me to dinner was for Christmas. I was surprised she wasn't going home for it, as she had when we were together. Truth be told, I was a bit peeved about that. She couldn't wait to run home while we were together but now that we weren't, she was staying in Paris for the holidays? Of course she said it was because Miranda wanted me there but I have known Bianca long enough to know when it's something she wants as well and she really wanted me to spend Christmas with her and the Munchkin. It was a hard struggle not to jump up and down, thanking whoever above while leaping into her arms screaming yes, YES!, yes of course I want to spend Christmas with my family but that last year had taught me to be cautious as well. So I played it cool, telling her I would have to check with the rotation I was on for Christmas at the hospital and get back with her. I already knew I was working during the day Christmas Eve and had all day off on Christmas until 11pm at night but I didn't want to appear to anxious, too needy.
It was the best Christmas I had ever had. I went over there for dinner on Christmas Eve and then she asked me to stay over so that I could be there in the morning, for Miranda, of course. Staying in the guest room down the hall from the room I use to share with Bianca was a little surreal to say the least. It brought me back to our first few months in Paris, before we had gotten together. That's when it hit me, like my own little Christmas present from above, this was a new start. We had come full circle. I was being given another chance. A chance to show her she could count on me, that she was the only one I loved and wanted to be with, another chance to get it right, but first I had to show her that I was okay with how things were going. I wouldn't press for anymore than she was willing to give to me, it was all on her schedule.
It was another two months of her inviting me over for dinner every now and again before she actually flirted with me. I was still taking Miranda one day a week and even sometimes two days when my schedule allowed. Every other week or so Bianca would invite me to stay for dinner after bringing Miranda home and then she would allow me to get the little girl ready for bed and tuck her in. Things were slowly getting back on track. One night after I had put Miranda to bed, Bianca actually invited me to have a glass of wine. Of course I accepted, I wouldn't want to be rude. Okay, who am I fooling, she could have asked me to stay and iron all her clothes and I would have gladly done it.
We sat there on the couch, a bottle of red open, something we had done frequently when we were still a couple. Our knees where so close if I just leaned the slightest they would have touched. I wanted to lean more than anything but I didn't want to scare her and have her back away. Just having the possibility of our knees accidentally brushing together made my heart rate increase. It was the sweetest torture.
We just talked about mundane things, neither of us bring up the fact that it was my cheating on her that had resulted in this slow, drawn out dance to we were now going though. It seemed almost too late to talk about it or maybe it was still to soon. Regardless, we settled on a safe topic, Miranda and the silly things the four year old did that made us laugh, scared to death, feel proud and all those other emotions young children put their parents through.
There was a moment while we were laughing after Bianca had told me a story about Miranda locking her Nanny out in the hall that our eyes met, brown to brown and they just held. It wasn't a look we had shared in over a year but there it was. It was a look of love, desire and want. I felt sparks fly and my insides felt like they were on fire. Before I realized it, I felt her lips on my in the most tentative of kisses. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in 14 months, two weeks, 3 days and 17 hours. I know how pathetic am I that I know the exact last time I had felt the softest lips ever against my own.
We both pulled back, wearing equal looks of shock on our faces. I told myself not to read into it, that we had just gotten caught up in how familiar and comfortable the moment had felt. I was trying to find a graceful way to end the suffocating awkward silence that was threatening to over take us both when she gave a look that sent shocks down my spine. If I hadn't been sitting I'm certain my knees wouldn't have been able to hold me up. She grabbed the glass of wine out of my hand, setting on the coffee table, then cradled my face in her hands for a moment before leaning in and kissing me like I had never been kissed before. It started off slow and tender but as I felt her tongue brush my bottom lip it suddenly turned hot and passionate but the tenderness was still there. I felt her teeth gently bite my bottom lip and couldn't contain the moan that came from deep within me. My pulse sped up hearing her moan in response. Then as suddenly as it had started it was over. I felt her hands on my shoulder, pushing me back away from her.
"I'm… I'm sorry… I shouldn't… I didn't mean…" Bianca stuttered over her words, her face was flushed, her eyes looking anywhere but at mine. I know I was looking at her with a thousands questions in my eyes but also with hope. I couldn't hide the hope that shined there. I didn't want to hide it.
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I wanted to reassure her that everything was okay. That she never had to apologize for kissing me, but my mind was unable to come up with any words, I was completely blank, waiting for her words to fill me in. I needed some type of direction because I honestly didn't know what kissing me meant to Bianca, only what I wanted it to mean.
When her eyes finally did meet mine, there was so much sadness in them it almost broke my heart. "Maybe…I think you should go…" she softly said, looking down at her hands.
I wanted to stay and talk about what had just happened between us. I wanted to know what she was thinking, but she stood and walked towards the door, not leaving any interpretation as to what she wanted right than. With a sigh of defeat I walked out the door. I turned to say something, anything to make sense of it all, to keep my hope alive but at her look all I could get out was a soft, "Good night, Bianca." Before she closed the door, not harshly but firmly behind me.
The next two times I went to get Miranda, the nanny was there, Bianca was nowhere to be seen, same when I dropped her off. I knew she was avoiding me so I decided that for once I wasn't going to just stuff this down and let us both avoid it. Two weeks after the kiss I unexpectedly showed up at the Penthouse, it was something I hadn't done since she had come back to Paris. I always called, she always knew when to expect me, she always knew when to avoid me. I went over there with the flimsy excuse that Miranda had left her blankie in my car, even though I had purposely not brought it in the night before. I felt a little bad, knowing that Bianca must have had a hell of a time trying to get the little girl to go to bed the night before without her blankie, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
I anxiously waited for her to answer the door, and when she did I thought I would pass out from nerves. She seemed shocked to seem me but very relieved to see the blankie in my hands. I was worried she would be a little mad at me just showing up unannounced but there wasn't any anger, just a slight look of panic in her clear brown eyes. After much stammering and circling around the situation, she finally cracked and asked me in to talk. She told me that she was sorry about the kiss, she was just feeling nostalgic and lonely. I would have believed that excuse, I would have still held onto my hope, maybe not as strong but I wouldn't have questioned it if she hadn't kissed me again a few weeks later and then yet again a week after that. After the fourth kiss, the second one for that week, I knew something was up, she couldn't be feeling THAT nostalgic and lonely around me while we were in her office waiting for her assistant to bring Miranda from the Cambias Daycare. She finally relented and asked me out to dinner later that week so we could discuss things. As in dinner not at her house, as in dinner out at one of the finest restaurants in Paris, as in dinner that could very easily be considered a date.
As in a dinner that did turn out to be a date of sorts. She told me she did still care about me but she wasn't sure what to do about her feelings. She just wanted to see how things developed but that nothing could happen if we couldn't get our friendship back first. And that's were we have been stuck for the last two months, four days and 17 hours. I didn't mind so much at first as it's more than I thought I would ever get but then Spencer came into the picture about a week ago. Bianca swears they're just friends but than why are they going out to dinner? Why did Bianca have that goofy grin on her face while she was on the phone with the blonde? Why wasn't she looking at me like that?
I had met Spencer a few days before when I came to have lunch with Bianca and Miranda who goes to the daycare center at Cambias when Bianca works. I walked into her office and heard her laughter before I saw her. It was her cute, flirty laugh which put my defenses on high alert. I stood in the doorway for a couple minutes before Bianca even realized I was there.
"Oh, Maggie, is it that time already? Bianca looked at her watch while standing up from the edge of her desk.
"I'm a little early. I got done with my rounds faster than I thought." I tried not to look to hard at the cute blonde sitting in the chair in front of Bianca's desk but it was hard not to. She looked to be around 18 or 19. Who was she and why was she sitting there flirting with the woman I loved? No, I was not happy with this at all.
"Where are my manners, I'm sorry. Maggie, this is my new intern, Spencer Carlin. She was the winner of the Cambias Young Marketers Fellowship. Spencer, this is my gr…uh, friend, Dr. Maggie Stone."
Maybe it was because Bianca had been so use to introducing me as her girlfriend for so long and it's been forever since she's had to introduce me to anyone but I didn't want to read to much into her almost slip up. Spencer stood up, giving me a friendly smile and holding out her hand. She had noticed Bianca's almost use of girlfriend as to my former role in her life, she didn't seem to acknowledge it.
"I'm still a resident, so not a full fledge doctor." I smiled as I quickly shook the younger girl's hand, not wanting to be rude.
"It's nice to meet you. It's so nice to have fellow Americans around; it makes it feel a little more like home." When she smiled she seemed even younger. I tried to rationalize with myself that she was way too young for Bianca but then that little voice in my head reminded me that even though Bianca might run a multi-billion dollar corporation and was a mother, she was still relatively young at 22.
"All the employees here at Cambias are bilingual, Spencer, it makes it easier. I remember when I first started here how nervous I was. I was practicing my French all day, every day, so sure that I wouldn't understand a word of what anyone was saying to me when I got here. Remember, Maggie…" She had been so caught up in the memory that she almost slipped again, almost fell back into that easy pattern that had been us when we had first gotten to Paris. Shaking the faraway, wistful look in her eyes, Bianca turned back to Spencer with another of her classic million dollar smiles. "Anyway, Spencer, no need to worry about the language barrier here at Cambias and I'm sure by the end of the summer you'll be speaking French fluently."
I tried not look uncomfortable at how easily Bianca swept me away, brushed aside that memory of when things had been so much better between us. I slightly felt like I was intruding for the first time in months. I didn't like that feeling, I wanted to feel like Bianca still wanted me there. "If I could pick it up, you should have no problem, Spencer." I wanted to at least sound supportive.
And like that, the slight tension that had fallen between Bianca and I was lifted, she started softly laughing. "Oh, God, Maggie's French was atrocious, for the first six months all she knew where medical terms. Have you ever heard anyone try to use medical terms when asking for the bathroom?"
"I wasn't that bad, I knew how to order dinner." I replied with mock hurt.
"Yeah, because pizza is so hard to remember." She gently teased. Her eyes held mine, there was no pain or regret in them, just her laughter and tenderness.
If I could keep a moment from the last 4 months and wrap it up to carry around with me, this would be the one. It almost most felt like things where back on track, that everything was going to be ok. That is until the moment came to an abrupt end due to Bianca's phone ringing. And then, just as soon as it had started it was over.
"OK, Amelia, we'll be down in a couple minutes to pick her up on our way to lunch." Bianca hung up her, turning to me. "That was the day care, Miranda's just getting cleaned up from finger painting, so we can just grab her on our way down, if that's alright?"
"Sure, B, do you know where you want go for lunch?" I smiled at the thought of spending at least an hour with my two favorite girls.
"Nothing fancy, that café around the corner should be good."
"I should be going, I'm sure Madeline has a ton of things for me to get started on already." Spencer stood to leave but before she could get two steps Bianca stopped her.
"Maddy's at lunch already. Why don't you come with us? The café has the best food around here, better than the company cafeteria." I tried not to cringe as Bianca invited Spencer to join us for lunch, without even asking if I minded, not that I could tell her if I did. That would just raise to many questions we'd be avoiding lately.
"Oh, I don't want to intrude on your time, you've been so nice already showing me around and everything." Spencer looked shyly down at the ground. I wasn't sure yet if it was an act or if she was really just like that.
"Don't be silly, Spencer, it's fine, right, Maggie?" Oh, nice, now she remembers I'm here.
"Yeah, it's fine, Spencer, I'm sure Miranda would love to meet you." What could I say, that I hated the idea of her being with us, it wasn't anything personal, I'm just very selfish of the time I get with Bianca and Miranda. Again, it's the little things.
"Oh, I already met her. She's the cutest little girl I've ever seen." Her blue eyes got even brighter at the mention of Miranda as a huge smile took over her face.
Wait, what? When did she meet Miranda? Why was Bianca already introducing her to Miranda, seriously what was going on here?
"I took her by the day care when I was showing her the building earlier. You know how I can't walk past it without stopping in to at least say hi." Bianca smiled sheepishly. Sometimes the way the girl can almost read my mind scares me.
"Yeah, I know." I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice that I felt for the fact that she seemed to be letting Spencer into her life so much easier than she was me. I know I have no right to be jealous, seeing as it's my fault we're in the emotional space we are with each other, but that still doesn't mean I'm not insanely, completely, jealous.
The rest of the afternoon went down hill from there, as I watched Bianca and Spencer get along famously. They and that cute, easy-going banter going on between them that once came so easy with Bianca and me. Miranda even seemed smitten with the blonde, chatting in that cute 3 year old way about this boy Blaine who ate the finger paints and had a bright yellow tongue as a result.
As much as I hated to admit it, Spencer really was genuinely nice and just so excited about being and Paris, along with having the opportunity to work at Cambias, for the summer. It reminded me of the enthusiasm Bianca and I had when we first got to Paris. If it wasn't for the fact she was unconsciously flirting with Bianca, I probably would have found myself wanting to be her friend but I saw how her cute, gee whiz charm was working Bianca over fast than one of those masseuses in the Red light District. I didn't want to be around for any happy endings. I glanced at my watch and made some lame excuse about needing to go check up on a patient and go the hell out of there.
That had been a week ago and now they were going to dinner together. I couldn't stand it, I know Bianca has dated other people but it never got serious. I was annoyed but really in no position to say anything, also I knew it wouldn't go anywhere but something about the way Bianca and Spencer interact has got me feeling more than a little nervous and truth be told, panicked. This is the first time I actually thought Bianca might want to be with someone more than me.
It was with these troubling, jealous, thoughts that I stomped down the sidewalk with, not noticing the short girl with dark brown hair tinted with auburn. I didn't notice her until she literally ran into me. We both fell in an ungraceful heap on the sidewalk, her practically straddling me.
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry." She said as she tried to get up off of me. If I hadn't been so caught up in Bianca I probably would have noticed at the time just how breathtakingly beautiful she was. As it was I just stood up and brushed myself off, not taking the time to really look at the girl who had just knocked me flat on my butt.
"I'm fine, it's okay. I'm okay." I said as I tried to brush her helpful hands away from me.
"No, it's not, you're bleeding, I'm so sorry." Her voice was slightly raspy but not in a truck driver kind of way but in a phone sex operator kind of way.
Well what I would assume one of those operators to sound like, not that I know from personal experience. Ok, there was that one time I picked up the phone in my room when I shared an apartment with Jamie and heard him on the phone talking to one of those women, at least that's what I assume from hearing only a brief, very brief, ok… 5 minutes of the conversation before I had to hung up because I might have gasped a little at the things she was saying to him.
"Oh, God, you must have hit your head pretty hard too. You look dazed." I shake myself out of the memory and finally look up at the worried girl. The first thing I notice is her mane of dark brown hair with natural auburn highlights, then her light brown eyes that are crinkled up in concern. If I wasn't so madly in love with Bianca, I would so be hitting on this girl. She looks like she might be a few years younger than me but the way she holds herself seems to be in a manner of someone much older. She's simply beautiful in a wild kind of way.
I realized I must look like a concussed person because I have yet to say anything else to her since she started talking again. "No, sorry, I was just dazed."
"But your elbow is bleeding." She points a well manicured finger at my elbow. I bring my right hand down and feel the warm sticky wetness on my left elbow. She opens her small Prada purse and pulls out a napkin. I gratefully take it from her. As I'm unfolding it I notice a phone number written on it. Some guy, Antonio has written down his number for her.
"Um, you might not want to me to get blood all over this, it has a number on it." I tried to hand it back but she just waved a dismissive hand towards me.
"Nah, I only took it to be polite after I let him buy me drinks all night, trust me, he's not my type." There was a mischievous glint in her eyes as she said that.
I wasn't quite sure what to make of this girl in front of me. "Um, ok, thanks." I held the napkin up to my elbow, not sure really what else there was to say.
"No problem, it's my fault you're hurt. Let me make it up to you. How about we go grab a drink, if you're not busy?" She looked at me hopefully, but the last thing I think I needed was to get a drink, not with the mood I was in. I'd probably end up singing along to Patsy Cline on some old jukebox in some hole in the wall bar while hugging a pint of beer to my chest, tears streaming down my eyes. Not that that's ever really happened, much.
"Oh, come on, please? You're like the first American I've ran into since I've been here. It'd be really great to be able to have a conversation that didn't mainly consist of hand gestures and my horribly broken French." Oh no, she's giving me puppy dog eyes and I do feel a little bad for her, being alone in foreign country, I can relate.
"Ok, fine one drink but do I at least get to know the name of my assailant?" I'm not sure why I gave into her, maybe it was because I could relate to her so well. Maybe it was because I was just as lonely as she seemed, maybe it was because I recognized a bit of myself in her, regardless I had already told her I would go get a drink so there wasn't any backing out, besides what harm could one drink do.
"It wasn't on purpose." She playfully pouts, though I can see her smiling. "And I'm Ashley, Ashley Davies."
"Nice to meet you, Ashley, Ashley Davies. I'm Maggie Stone." We shake hands as people walk around us on the busy sidewalk.
"Likewise, now let's go get that drink. Um, you're gonna have to pick the place, I don't really know my way around here." She smiles.
"Ah, you're in luck, I happen to know this cute little dive bar around the corner that has the best jukebox, mostly all American music, half of it oldies. Do you like Patsy Cline?"