Chapter 2

"I thought I had lost you."

Those were the first words spoken between them. Amanda whispered them into Olivia's hair, when the older woman had become too exhausted to cry any longer. The only response she got was two arms circling her waist inside her jacket, and an elongated inhale as Liv drew in her scent, relishing in the serenity it brought her.

Olivia had known from the moment she had laid eyes on Amanda Rollins that she was going to be the death of her. With all the feelings of abandonment she was dealing with due to Elliot's departure without a word, she halted the sudden rumbling in her belly she encountered when their hands met in that first professional handshake. She had always regretted the way she had been toward the blonde when she first joined the squad, but she was only trying to protect herself. Amanda was so much like another person in her life that had completely abandoned her, with her strikingly beautiful blonde locks, piercing blue eyes, and legs that went on for days, mixed with her strong personality and passion for the job. With the recent wound of Elliot Stabler and the healing one of Alexandra Cabot, she was so cold hearted toward Amanda, when all the younger detective wanted to do was gain her approval. That was another one of those pesky defense mechanisms her brain had created in order to protect her heart from inevitable hurt. She wanted to make it right, to connect and quiet the growling beast within her soul, but she never seemed to have an opportunity, or perhaps, she was just making excuses to herself. Then one day, during a particularly tough case, Olivia had confided in Amanda with her tale of being undercover in Sealview, and although Amanda was very vague with her own tale of torment, the older detective knew from years of experience that there was much more behind it. A bond had been formed, and from there they had a more solid friendship that even extended outside of work hours. It had been so liberating for Olivia to finally have someone that she could confide in, that felt that same sense of duty for the job but understood the trials and tribulations of being a woman on the force. Over time, the embraces lengthened and the gazes lingered, and that rumbling in Olivia's belly has spread to encase her entire insides, and she wanted nothing more than to take Amanda in her arms and just dance, to only the whisperings of how much she adored the blonde.

The day before Amanda had called them all in on a rare day off, introducing William Lewis into their lives, it had happened. They were lounged out in Olivia's living room, two empty bottles of wine and several beer cans littered the mahogany coffee table in the center of the room, and soft, slow R&B was playing in the background. They were doubled over in laughter at some crazy story Amanda was telling about her time in Atlanta when Olivia's ears perked, as the melodic voice of Brian McKnight hit them, and with some liquid courage, she pulled herself up and extended a hand out to the younger woman.

"Dance with me?"

Amanda thought she had misheard her, she was dreaming, or the heavy amount of alcohol coursing through her veins was now playing tricks with her mind.

"What?" the blonde asked, finally meeting Olivia's gaze.

Although she was drunk, Olivia's anxiety rose with every passing second that those blue eyes searched her own. She swallowed it down, determined to not let her fear of rejection stop her.

"Dance with me?" Olivia asked again, a shy smile making its way to her lips as she felt the blush start rising in her cheeks.

Amanda bit the edge of her lip, and took the outstretched hand that pulled her from the floor. She was sure her heart was going to thump straight out of her chest when she felt one arm circle her waist, a hand rest on the small of her back, and another grasped her right hand and held her close. Amanda instantly relaxed into Olivia, looping her left arm around the older woman's neck, meshing their bodies together, as they swayed to the rhythm of the music. The brunette set the side of her chin against Amanda's temple, breathing in her intoxicating tropical scent, while bringing her even closer.

"I don't think you understand how important you are to me. How much I care about you," Olivia uttered softly, emotion making her voice even huskier than normal.

Amanda closed her eyes, inhaling the vanilla and sandalwood aroma that was so purely Olivia, drinking in the strength it gave her, before pulling back and searching for any amount of deceit or untruth in the dark cocoa gaze, seeing nothing but honesty and adoration shining back at her. Amanda broke eye contact, her inability to value her self-worth made this situation incredibly uncomfortable. She had absolutely no idea how she could possibly mean anything to this impeccable beauty that was still holding her close. Olivia gently put her hand under the young woman's chin, forcing her to continue their previous exploration of souls; their faces having inched even closer together.

"I guess I was right," Liv muttered, as she filled the miniscule space between them, enveloping those velvety, pink lips between her own.

She felt a sudden hitch of breath from the other woman that only lasted pure milliseconds, before she completely melted into the older woman's embrace. Amanda's mouth took on a life of it's own as she sought out more of Olivia, and her hands quickly followed. Starting from around Olivia's neck on pure instinct when the brunette had initiated the kiss, they were now traveling down and had planted themselves on the swell of her breasts, not wanting to cross that line until consent had been given to her. This made the older woman's heart burst, because she knew what Amanda was doing. She was asking for permission to touch her, and ironically, that was a first for her. Olivia reluctantly broke the lip lock, and a look of pure amazement at the beautiful, compassionate woman in her arms made one tiny droplet escape the corner of her eye, and show itself down the side of her face. A smooth, warm thumb pad swiftly wiped it away and replaced it with a soft, lingering kiss.

"We don't have to do this, Liv."

The brunette's mind went into overdrive, blaming herself for teasing the blonde or seeming disingenuous with her interest, when all she really wanted to do was take it slow, for once in her life, and do it right. She never had a lover or a partner who made her feel the way she does when she with Amanda, and she wanted to savior that for the rest of her life. Panic filled her body as she felt the younger woman try to lessen the amount of contact, dropping her hands from the brunette's chest. Olivia immediately took both hands in hers, silently pleading with Amanda to look at her.

"Amanda," she began, caressing porcelain knuckles, "I want to do this, I do. I just-," Olivia paused, trying to command the right words to form a coherent sentence on her tongue. This discontinuance made Amanda's stomach clench in familiarity. Here it was, the inevitable heartbreak when she allowed too much of her vulnerability to seep through, and she would be left once again to pick up the pieces.

"I just don't want to rush this," Liv stated, staring at Amanda, seeing the mild shock in her demeanor. When their eyes locked again, Olivia couldn't begin to count the endless questions that lie within, so she continued, doing her best to answer all those unasked.

"For once in my life, I want to do this right. What we have is real, Amanda. I know because I don't ever recall an instance in my life where I felt so at peace with someone, so safe. I'm sorr—" a pair of lips quieted her ramblings, lasting only seconds before the cerulean sea was staring back at her. "Don't say it," Amanda whispered, referring to the unfinished apology that hung in the air, "You never have to be sorry."

She tucked a stray strand of chestnut locks behind Olivia's ear, cupping her cheek and pulling her in for another sensual kiss.

"If I am able to have you in any capacity, that will be enough for me,"