Chapter 2

Later, Stan got himself ready to find his family and defeat Bill. He was wearing a maroon sash that read "Chief," indicating that Chutzpar and the others had accepted them as their leader.

"All right, gentlemen, and lady," Stan ordered to the creatures. "C-Beth and I will be searching for Dipper and Mabel. Chutzpar and the gnomes will stay in the Shack where it's safe. Got it?"

"Yes, sir!" shouted the others in agreement. And off Stan went, with the unicorn as his steed.

As he rode C-Beth, Stan noticed that the town was in disarray, and citizens were being turned to stone right and left. At this, he thought, "If I don't find Mabel and Dipper, they might be turned into stone statues like Lazy Susan over there. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind risking my life to save my family. Heck, I ended up bargaining the universe to bring back Ford."

Just then, C-Beth spotted two girls seated by a campfire. They were Candy Chiu and Grenda, both of whom looked understandably distressed. 'Hark!" said the unicorn. "We should see what's up with these girls."

"Even though you scammed them into beatin' the livin' daylights out of you?" asked Stan, who was obviously not amused at C-Beth's earlier dishonesty with Mabel.

This annoyed C-Beth, who snapped, "Don't remind me!"

The two then approached Candy and Grenda, who were roasting dead rats over the fire. Candy looked pretty worried, with bags under her eyes and a slouched posture. Meanwhile, Grenda just stared into space, shell-shocked. This made Stan pretty concerned for the girls, and he stepped off his steed and talked to them. "Candy, Grenda," he said to them. "Have you seen Mabel and Dipper?"

Candy and Grenda looked up, and the former replied to Stan's question, "No, the last time we saw Mabel, we were discussing our futures."

"And we last saw Dipper on our road trip!" Grenda added.

This troubled Stan. He thought that Candy and Grenda, Mabel's closest friends, would know where she and Dipper were. As he slumped his shoulders, Candy suggested, "But hey, maybe we could help you look for them."

This perked Stan up a little, and he said to them, "Well then, just sit on my horse, grab onto my back, and off we go!"

So Stan mounted C-Beth, with Grenda grabbing onto his back and Candy grabbing onto Grenda's back. And as Stan got C-Beth to race, off they rode to find Dipper and Mabel.

After half an hour, C-Beth declared, "Behold! My horn detects a lonely girl dressed in rags at the end of this dark alley!"

As Stan and the others rode closer, they could see that the girl in the alley was Pacifica Northwest.

"Ugh, this girl!" Stan groaned. "I remember when she pelted me with tomatoes while I was in the stocks!"

But as they came closer, Stan saw that Pacifica was not smirking, but moping. This made Stan, Candy, and Grenda feel a little sad.

"Maybe you should go talk to her," said Candy to Stan. "She might know where Dipper and Mabel are."

So Stan thought about this a little, then, reluctantly, he dismounted C-Beth and approached Pacifica so as to talk to her.

"Hello, Pacifica," Stan groaned in a sarcastic manner. "You probably haven't seen Dipper and Mabel, have you?"

But Pacifica did not show any signs of her usual snootiness. Instead, she looks very sad, and not very confident, and she turned her head away from Stan.

Stan was astonished and said, "Ah, come on! Don't give me that look! I just wanna know if you've seen my family!"

After a long silence, Pacifica finally responded, "The last time I saw Dipper and Mabel was at the Northwest Fest, that time when I let in the common folk of the town, thus fulfilling the promise that had been broken by my no-good, dirty, rotten, waste-shoveling great-great-grandfather!"

As Stan gazed at Pacifica for a long time, his resentment gradually faded to sympathy. He studied her impoverished state, that her dress had been reduced to rags, that her hair was slightly disheveled. The next thing Stan said to her was, "You all right, kiddo?"

After a brief pause, Pacifica replied, "You want to know why I'm all alone in a dark alley? My father got his orifices switched and died from shock, while my mother got turned to stone. And then there's me. I never had a real childhood because my parents pressured me into being exactly like them: mean-spirited, elitist, and just plain stupid! I'm actually glad that Dipper reminded me that even though I'm their daughter, I can be my own person!"

Stan then placed his hand onto her shoulder and said, "Ya know, I know what it's like to be mistreated by family. My old man disowned me when I was in high school due to a little mistake I made involving my brother. But in all seriousness, you should come to the Mystery Shack where it's safe."

And with that, he placed Pacifica onto C-Beth, and they rode off to the Mystery Shack.

Once Stan, Candy, Grenda, and Pacifica were at the Shack, they could hear some "Disco Girl" playing in the living room. And when Stan opened the door, he saw the Multi-Bear and Old Man McGucket dancing to "Disco Girl," while poor Chutzpar covered his ears and groaned, "I can't get that terrible song out of my head!"

But something was different about the Multi-Bear: several of his heads were injured, and the main head was wearing a patch over his left eye. Then and there, Stan knew that the Multi-Bear had suffered a lot before entering the Shack.

"What happened?" Stan asked the other two.

The Multi-Bear answered, "A rock from one of Bill's minions got into my eye. I can't see out of it anymore."

And McGucket chimed in, "I thought I was the only man alive, but I ran out of food so I went up to get some more, when I notices some gnomes a-scamperin' to your Shack, an' now here we are dancin' to 'Disco Girl'!"

But Stan, worried about Dipper and Mabel, asked them both, "But have you seen Dipper and Mabel?!"

"No," the Multi-Bear replied sadly. "I haven't seen your… grandchildren, was it? The last time I saw Dipper was when we sang 'Disco Girl' together. And I've never seen Mabel before."

"And the last time I saw Dipper and Mabel was in Northwest Manor!" cried McGucket. "I tried to warn 'em about the apocalypse! Who knew my paranoia was correct?"

Stan then pressed his finger and thumb between his eyes as he always did whenever he got frustrated. "I just want 'em to be safe," he groaned. "But silly me! No one I found has seen 'em! Maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow." And with that, he went upstairs to try to get some sleep.

But he thought, "Wait, I can't sleep and therefore shirk responsibility. I gotta continue finding 'em."

And so, Stan went back downstairs, and announced to the others: "I, Sergeant Stan Pines…"

Presently, Pacifica interrupted, "Wait, sergeant? You're no sergeant. You're more of a captain!"

Stan was really hesitant and said, "No, I'm not worthy of being captain."

But everyone agreed with Pacifica that Stan should be captain. Finally, Stan gave in and announced: "I, Captain Stan Pines, am pleased to announce that some of you have promotions! Chutzpar the Manotaur will be lieutenant, as will be the case with Fiddleford McGucket! The Multi-Bear will be sergeant, Candy, Grenda, and Pacifica will all be corporals, and the gnomes will remain privates! You all may sleep tonight, but I will not sleep until I find those poor kids, Dipper and Mabel Pines!"

And so, Stan mounted upon C-Beth and rode off to find Dipper and Mabel, who he claimed were his great-nephew and great-niece.