AN: keep in mind, most of these answers are non-canon
Mitch: hello dear readers and all you nameless, faceless people in the crowd, I am Mitch and this is the first ever Ask Them Anything!
Crowd is politely clapping and one guy cheers, but he is not very enthusiastic about it
Mitch: I'll win you over. As you already know, we're interrogating, I mean questioning the cast of the last of us, and they are with us right now. to my right, my idol, Joel
Joel waves to the crowd for a brief second before turning and facing Mitch
Joel: did you say idol?
Mitch looks at his idol with a goofy fangirl-like grin on his face
Mitch: yes, you are the most awesome guy I've ever seen, and I've only shaved twice since I played the game because I want a beard just like yours, and you're a badass and I want to be just like you when I grow up and-
Joel: alright, alright, I get it!
Mitch: moving on, next to Joel is baby girl number 2, Ellie
Ellie: is that all I get?
Mitch: I couldn't think of something to say okay, I was focusing on Joel's beard, I promise to focus on the task at hand from now on. to her right is former firefly and current resident of Jackson, Wyoming, Tommy
Tommy: nothing funny for me?
Mitch: what do you expect of me?, I'm not a comedian, right next door is tommy's wife, who if you ask me, looks disturbingly like a grown up Sarah, Maria
Everyone looks at Maria
Maria: I don't see it
Sarah: me neither
Mitch: that's because you can't see yourself
Ellie: holy shit, that's creepy
Tommy: what makes you think that?
Mitch: I don't know, it's probably just me. Moving on, she's the reason Joel and Ellie went on their epic quest in the first place, and I can only guess, is a former flame of Joel, Tess
Tess: we didn't date
Mitch: what are your sources?
Mitch opens his laptop to check the last of us wiki
Mitch: Joel did you and Tess date?
Joel chuckles
Joel: what we had was definitely not dating, we were just partners
Mitch finds something on the wiki
Mitch: in more ways than one
Tess: what was that!?
Mitch: nothing!. Up next, we have the original baby girl, Sarah
Sarah: what do you mean original?
Mitch: ask your father
Joel gets nervous trying to explain his and Ellie's situation
Joel: well, no one could replace you, but-
Sarah: you had another daughter?
Joel: no she ain't my daughter, she's my-
Sarah: dad, she's like 40 years younger than you, that's disgusting
Joel: no she's not my-, we're complicated, and I'm not that old!
Mitch: what a happy reunion. Next up we have the worlds most paranoid mechanic, Bill
Bill: I'm not paranoid, everyone else just isn't careful enough!
Mitch: understood, I suppose if everyone were like you, the cordyceps never would've destroyed the world as we know it, on the other hand, if everyone were like you, it would be destroyed some other way. Last but not least, we have a glorified terrorist who tried to 'save mankind', Marlene
Marlene: we could've saved the world
Mitch: no you couldn't, someone cover Ellie's ears
Joel covers Ellie's ears
Mitch: first of all, it was only a theory that Ellie's brain could create a vaccine. And even if it would create a vaccine, what makes you think your rag-tag team of doctors could pull off the surgery, a team of the best doctors and scientists on planet earth, maybe, but definitely not them. And even if they successfully created a vaccine, who's to say you wouldn't keep it to yourselves. AND even if you didn't, how could you manufacture it and transport it around the country without it being stolen by bandits. and even if you could do all that, is the world really worth saving by that point, with about 75% of humanity being killers, thieves and rapists. Joel did the right thing and I'm glad he put a bullet in your head. Joel, Ellie can listen now!
Joel takes his hands off of Ellie's ears
Ellie: what were you talking about?
Mitch: nothing
Joel: yeah, just beard stuff, don't worry about it
Mitch picks up a burlap sack full of letters
Mitch: well now that everyone has been introduced and I've finished my rant, we can move onto the questions, our first question is from bent thumb productions, and it is for Joel, how do you make your beard so beautiful?
Joel: shouldn't you be asking other people's questions?
Mitch: of course, I just needed to know
Joel: in the world we live in, my beard is the least of my worries
Mitch: so... Don't shave
Joel: pretty much
Mitch: okay, thank you for the tip sir. Moving on, our first EVER reader question comes from a guest, Ellie, are you into girls?
Ellie: what the fuck is that supposed to mean!?
Mitch: I still haven't gotten around to playing left behind, but I assume he/she is talking about when you kissed Riley
Ellie: I'm not sure, she's the only person I ever felt strongly about in that way, I don't know what I like yet, certainly doesn't help that if I kiss anyone again they'll probably get infected
Mitch: that's gotta suck, it's interesting to note that after hearing that, most girls would still rather kiss you than me
forever alone;(
Mitch: our next question is asked by CookieCrush, she has a question for Tommy, how did you and Maria tie the knot?
Tommy: I had been living in Jackson for about a year, me and Maria had been together for most of that. I decided that I wanted to ask her to marry me, but of course there's no way people can officially get married anymore. So I just asked her if we could just start saying we were married, she wouldn't have any of it, we had to have a ceremony in the town hall that was attended only by her dad, no rings or nothing, we just said I do and it was over in about 15 goddamn seconds
Maria: and then he found a wedding ring on a dead runner and tried to give it to me
Tommy: what's so bad about that?
Maria: it was from an infected, that's disgusting
Tommy: it worked on TV
Mitch: exactly, sometimes girls are just too picky, moving on, our next question comes to us from someone named MCLTB, they are curious about two things, here's the first one. Sarah, where did you get the money for Joel's watch, and if you really are a drug dealer, can he/she have some?
Sarah: I saved up the money for about 2 years, everything from my allowance to gift certificates I got from playing soccer. But no drugs sadly, I got caught before I could make any money with that
Mitch: the second question is for bill, what did you get in return for helping Joel and Tess smuggle stuff?
Bill: what?, people can't do stuff out of the kindness of their hearts anymore?
Mitch: I'm actually quite curious, what did you get?
Bill: I got whatever shit those two could find along the way, for cars and defenses, and an I.D and a few ration cards, in case things got too bad and I had to relocate to Boston
Mitch: and they have a question for me, someone sent me a question, and that question is: where is David, well he didn't have much of interest to say, plus he creeps me out and I don't want him within a 500 mile radius of me, or Ellie for that matter.
Mitch: one more question, it is from Wolfblood109, he/she asks Ellie why she didn't call Joel dad at the end?
Ellie: because he's not my father, we're not father and daughter, I don't think we're best friends, and we're definitely not together Sarah. Like Joel said, we're complicated
Mitch: Unfortunately, that's all the time we have for today, 5 reader questions is the limit for a chapter right now, but it may change at some point, we'll see you next time on ask them anything!
The crowd is cheering slightly louder now
Mitch: now you're getting it!