Chapter Two:
The Dursleys and A Rescue Crew
So I am back, roughly 3-4 +- months later, with an update. Now, don't expect me to update quicker but I will try to post Chapter Three: Serious Back and Ruckus O'Lune With A Dash of Hermi-One Kenobi as soon as possible. But I was away from the 29th of June 2017 to about August 19 2017. But I do not known Harry Potter, check out for the 'Unexplainable Mystery Character' and if you are strong enough, read on.
If anybody had peaked out of their window at this very moment, they would have found the sight either amusing or horrifying as a 17 year old boy made beat-boxing noises and snuck up to the house like a man on a mission. First, he stopped by the alley near the house and looked everywhere for the mysterious vanishing boy and then the case was settled: He was GONE.
He rolled toward the house, the beat boxing coming out odd, and stopped at the door and turned into a stuffed rat, reconsidered and turned into a coin, going under the door and landing safely on the rug and turned into his original form again, brushing off his clothes with a smug smile. His teal blue eyes scanned the house and smirked when it landed on the photo wall. But all he saw there two blobs with hair and an anorexic woman who smiled a lot with the blobs.
But no sign of the black haired skinny one. He looked in the cupboard - finding a bedroom like thing with boxes - and the kitchen, living room, bathrooms and found nothing. He opened another door and gagged, closed the door softly and dry heaved for a while. Okay, that was either where they kept their secret army cattle or a failed science project lay within that room.
He saw a door with lots of locks and the word DANGER literally flashed in his eyes and went to another door, opened it and his eyes grew bigger than his head and he closed the door softly, eyes back to normal. Okay, maybe going in there was a bad idea. It seemed that's where they kept the blobs or the pet bear.
He walked to different rooms with practiced sneaking around tactics and eventually decided that whatever lay behind the locked door wasn't near as horrible as what lay in the other rooms. He opened it with a spell and opened the door, crossing his fingers behind his back and sighed in relief.
It was just a teeny, tiny guest bedroom.
He walked in and saw a leather album on the table and opened it, grinning as his eyes lay on a photo of a young man with black hair, glasses and hazel-brown eyes but then saw the date. This man is probably the boy's father or brother, then. He turned the page and stopped as his eyes caught sight of the garden. He could've screamed. He knew where he was. It was the house of Vermin Derby! Or Vernon Dursley. Either way, he was still a horrid, fat, fat man.
He must be one of the blobs and he has a blob son and his wife is anorexic. And whoever he was - he must be the other son! He flipped through the album, forgetting the hazel eyed man ever existed and stopped at a picture that was taken a little earlier this year of a bright green eyed boy with messy black hair, a scar and glasses.
He knew who this was!
THE BOY WHO LIVED, HARRY POTTER!
Then it snapped. He had been stalking the Boy Who Lived? He shrugged and turned himself into the dude in one flash of white light and put the book back, seeing a snowy owl had awoken. He grinned at it "Hey birdie, birdie!" He said in a low voice.
Hedwig's amber eyes widened and she turned around, creeped the hell out. What was wrong with her master? He smelt of smoothies and garbage and other nasty stuff that she cannot seem to find in his scent.
Risk looked around the room. This must be his bedroom then. It sucked.
He shrugged his shoulders and got into bed with his onesie pajamas he had used to play The Risk Factor Agent while coming to the house. He fell asleep, snoring loudly. Really loudly. It was also really, really disgusting. Kind of like some disturbed, rabies dog being strangled to death.
He woke up the next morning with a loud screech.
"BOY! COME MAKE THE BREAKFAST!"
Who was Boy? He stretched and yawned and got out of bed, conjuring round glasses and placing them upon his face. He looked into the closet and screamed. Like a little girl who had just seen something life scarring. He looked at the faded hand-me-downs with horror in his eyes.
"WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING!?" The voice came again.
It reminded him of Marge from The Simpsons.
"NOTHING'S THE MATTER, MARGE!" Risk shouted.
"I'M YOUR AUNT PETUNIA, MARGE ISN'T HERE!"
"SORRY AUNT PETUNIA!" Risk shouted and looked back at the clothes, wondering how Marge Simpson could actually exist in real life.
He then remembered he had shrunk his own trunk and put it in his pocket and took it out, resizing it and dressing in more fitting clothes. This did not consist of embarrassing shirts and pants. He liked white shirts! He walked out of the room and froze as he saw the door from the science exhibit or animal shelter open.
Something big, tall and hideous stepped out. It yawned, stretching itself. It was truly terrible. A red face, blonde hair on the top of it's head and it's eyes blinked open as it lowered its branch-like arms. Small, blue eyes looked at Harry and he said "Don't you need to make breakfast?"
Risk was speechless. Merlin's sweaty hair! "You're human?" He squeaked, a terrible stench reaching his nose and he refused to sneeze, in fear of inhaling the dangerous aroma surrounding The Blob Monster.
The Blob Monster glared "Shut it, freak," He said and walked downstairs, the stairs creaking dangerously.
Risk could only stare after the blob. The blob who was a human. But he stopped staring as he heard his 'aunt' shout "BOY! COME MAKE THE BREAKFAST!"
Knowing that in no way that was a boy (he never said that), he hurried downstairs.
As he walked down, he wondered if this was his brother or relative or something else. He had never really listened to Harry Potter talk. He just followed him because he was bored. He walked inside the kitchen and smiled sweetly at his aunt.
"Am I 'BOY, COME GET YO BREAKFAST!'" He asked.
She glared "No," She said "You're-"
"The Muffin Man, Miss Anorexic?" Risk asked, grinning.
"HOW DARE YOU!" Aunt Petunia shouted.
"What would you like for tea?" Risk asked in his best Fancy Pants Accent he had ever pulled.
"The usual," Aunt Petunia said.
"I forgot," Risk said.
"What did you forget?" Aunt Petunia said.
"The 'Usual'," Risk said.
"How? You make it everyday!" Aunt Petunia said, outraged.
"I inhaled strange gasses this morning," Risk said "Coming from the Blob Monster next to my bedroom."
And the next thing he knew, he was on his knees outside with a stinging red ear, pulling weeds out of the garden. The Dursleys were odd people, he'd say that. He already came to the conclusion that Harry Potter was mistreated and constantly pulled around by the ears because Petunia did it so easily. Or that might be because he had insulted her son.
Whatever.
Risk wondered how it was with his Yellow Mouse Buddy. He sighed sadly. He was a man on a mission! He cannot afford to be sad. And with that, he pulled the weeds out of the ground with a newfound enthusiasm, singing a song he had just made up. In fact, it was so horrible, Aunt Petunia came out as he sung it.
"AND I SAID, MY NAME IS RUDDY-DOE-DOE-DEE! I LOVE TO SING AT THE PARTIES! AND I AM SO BARMY! I WANT TO EAT SOME SMARTIES! HERE COMES MY AUN-" WHAM!
She had hit him on his head with a pan and he fell forward into the ground "Well THAT was unnecessary!" He said into the ground.
"Just. Shut. Up," Aunt Petunia said "Your singing is TERRIBLE! If you want dinner tonight, you have to just SHUT UP!" She walked back in and slammed the door shut hard and Risk stared at her, dirt on his face and head aching.
He shrugged. Let sleeping dogs lie, he thought and hummed a song softly, pulling weeds out of the ground.
He was enjoying his day until he walked back into the house and saw an older Blob Monster "HOLY HELL!" He shouted and fell out of the door, landing outside again.
"PAINT THE WALLS!" Aunt Petunia shouted.
And so he did.
Risk had painted the wall all day and didn't like the Dursleys one bit. He walked into the house late afternoon and glared at the Dursleys and walked up to the bathroom, showered and was intended on going to bed without dinner.
"BOY, COME MAKE THE DINNER!" Aunt Petunia shouted.
An evil idea crossed his mind and he smirked. He walked downstairs, humming and walked into the kitchen "What would you like?"
"Anything," Aunt Petunia said.
"With pleasure," Risk said.
Risk made them spaghetti but then he took the pepper and stacked it and stirred the spaghetti a lot and retrieved a potion from his pocket and threw a drop of the contents into the food. He smirked. This was gonna be lovely.
He set the table and the Dursleys came to eat, Risk lingering in the shadows. And the desired effect came. Aunt Petunia gasped "How much pepper is in here!?" She shouted.
Risk shrugged his shoulders "I wasn't paying attention. The potion would kick in anyway, by the way."
The Dursleys looked horrified. They had all taken at least one bite of their dinner. Risk's smirk deepened, evil rose in the depths of his vivid green eyes. They screamed.
Risk ran upstairs, laughing his ass off and closed his bedroom door, sliding down, laughing until his sides hurt as he heard the Dursleys screaming. Just wait until morning, children, he thought as he got into bed.
He fell asleep, even though the ruckus downstairs was crazy.
He walked downstairs the next morning to find that the three vile vermin were sitting at the table quietly and discovered Aunt Petunia had made the breakfast.
"HELLO MY DEAR FAMILY!" He shouted loudly.
Aunt Petunia looked at him and meowed.
"A little high-top on crazy potion, aunty?" Risk asked, grinning "What do you think Uncle Vernon?"
"My. Name. Is. VERNON!" He said, stabbing at the bacon with his fork and looked at it "Vernon, Vernon," He kept muttering.
"And you, Dudley?" Risk asked, remembering that's what Vernon called him.
"And you, Dudley?" Dudley said and copied it over and over again and Aunt Petunia meowed.
Soon, Vernon's voice raised "VERNON!" he shouted.
"Meow," Aunt Petunia said.
"VERNON! Meow," Dudley said.
That day was spent with Risk hanging around in the living room, watching TV or he was upstairs, doing Harry Potter's homework to uttermost perfection. Or he was barking like a dog at the neighbors. It was much better than the previous day!
The Dursleys slowly wore off the Drought of Liquid Insanity and Risk sat in his room at this point. Vernon came into the room "We're going out," He said.
Risk grinned "Really?" He said.
"Yes," Vernon said "And you're staying."
"Shap, shap, me oonkle!" Risk said.
"B-Bye," Vernon said "And no crazy stuff!" He said "I'm locking you in."
"Hasta La Vista, me amigo!" Risk said.
Vernon fled, not locking the door. Risk leaned back in his chair. He wondered how birds felt as they flew. It must be nice. Then, he decided to bang his head hard against the window and make snoring noises for 3 hours. That sounded like fun.
Risk shot up in bed. He heard noises! And when he heard noises, he did the one thing he could do in a serious situation as this… find the voices! He jumped up and grabbed the wand on the table and tried to open the door… oh wait. It's locked. He shrugged.
"Alohomora," He said and the door opened.
He snuck quietly and in stealth mode toward the stairs and saw people. He knew what to do. He stood, fingers locked and wand tucked behind his ear and said "Welcome, my children… to this… muggle house."
The gang looked surprised and then the shabby one said "Harry?"
"Yes… it is I. Harry James Potter, the Boy Who Lives In The House Full of French Blobs Who Like To Scream At Non-French-Blobs And Also With The Anorexic Woman Who Pulls Me Ears Off And Happened To Live. It is me."
Mr Shabby Pants (he just nicknamed him) looked confused "What?"
"What is YOUR name?" Risky-Harry asked.
"You know me," He said.
"I was yelled at and my left ear was almost pulled off yesterday and I was swatted with a pan on the head because my singing sucks. I have no recollection whatsoever of who you may be, my dear sir."
They stared. He stared back. They didn't look away. He didn't either. They blinked.
"HA!" Risk shouted "I win!"
"What?" Mr Shabby Pants said "Win what?"
"The Staring Contest Championship! Where's my prize!?"
"Your prize," Swirly-Disgusting-Eye-Man said "Is coming with us to leave the Dursleys."
Okay... if that doesn't ruin brain cells then I don't know what would. Until next time!
- THE DEMENTORS DINNER PARTY