Chapter #2: Calls and Cut

I woke up this morning with a start. I peeled open my eyes and sunlight filled my vision. My alarm clock read 10:30 a.m. . I pulled my blankets back and went over to my closet. I pulled on some black tights with a denim skirt over them, and an Iron Maiden shirt over my black tank, with my favorite red converse. I still had on my father's jewelry.

I stumbled down to the kitchen to get something to eat. I got a bowl of Wheaties and sat down. My mom had already left, since she had a note on the table for me. She said she would miss me and that she would send me letters all the time. I'd miss her. It seemed way too quiet in the house.

Once I finished eating, I went into the living room and got into my mom's old records. I found the Arsenal record she owned and placed it onto the record player. It began playing 'Wanted Dead or Alive'. I jammed out to it as I finished getting my stuff together.

The record soon ran out of songs to play in about an hour, so I changed it to Van Halen. I turned the volume up so it was pretty loud. I began dancing around the house a bit, and I forgot that it was nearly noon. I soon heard a knock on the door and then Drew yell," ARSENAL! TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!"

I replied my saying," YOU'RE TOO OLD IF IT'S TOO LOUD!"

I turned it down anyways and shut off the record player. I walked down the hall to the front door and opened it. Stacee, Drew, and Sherrie stood there. I stepped aside to let them inside. They came in and Stacee looked at my old childhood pictures.

" Ok, need help getting your stuff?" Sherrie asked.

" No, but you can come help if you want. I don't care," I replied.

" Hey Arsenal, where's Madison?" Drew asked. Stacee snapped his head up.

" Oh, mom? She went grocery shopping or something. She's been acting really weird lately..." I said. Stacee began looking at a picture of my mom.

Sherrie and I headed up to my room. We entered and she looked at my room. "Nice room," she mumbled.

" Thanks," I replied, picking up my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. I put my keyboard on top of my suitcase. I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and saw Stacee. He signaled to me, asking if he could come in. I nodded and he came in and sat at my desk. I looked on top of my dresser and saw a picture of my mom. It was torn in half, and looked as if someone was standing by her. She told me my dad was standing by her in that picture.

I knew she really didn't want me to know who my dad was, but I did. I had the right to know and she never told me. I grabbed a few pictures from the dresser and put them in my bag. I couldn't leave them behind.

I was done and Sherrie asked," Why don't you have any pictures of your dad?"

I shrugged. " My mom has them hidden away somewhere and he left when I was just a baby. I never knew him and I never got experience what it's like to have a dad. It's always been my mom and I."

Stacee looked guilty for some reason. " But don't you wonder who he is? Have you ever tried to find him?"

" I wonder who he is every day. I tried to find him, but I lost hope. It wasn't fun to grow up without a dad. I mean, I got to watch all my friends with their dads and stuff." It reminded me of the time I went to the father-daughter dance. I was the only one there without a dad.

Sherrie frowned and hugged me. " Sorry," she said. I shrugged. " At least I had my mom."

Sherrie let go. " You ready?" she said.

" Yup," I replied. We headed down the stairs after Stacee. I left a quick note for my mom and we headed out the door. There was a HUGE tour bus outside by my house. I locked up and Drew guided me over to the entrance of the bus. I went up the steps and looked around. There was a living room, kitchen, everything. I had never been on a tour bus, so it was a pretty cool experience. Sherrie grabbed my hand. " I'll show you to your bunk."

She led me down a short hall with two doors. " We get our own room, since we are girls," Sherrie said. I nodded. She opened the door and I saw two bunks on the right hand side, a closet on the left, and a small washroom straight forward. Two dressers sat near the bunks. It was cool. " I finally won't be alone in here all the time!" Sherrie said. " You get the bottom bunk."

I noticed Sherrie had posters hanging up around the room. They were all of our favorite bands. It was 1987, after all. I sat down on the bottom bunk and began hanging up my old photos and a few posters. " Do you want me to help unpack your clothes?"

" Sure. I didn't pack a lot."

" Smart girl. You knew we'd go shopping together!" Sherrie smiled. I put my keyboard over by the window, near the record player. Sherrie handed me my records and cassette tapes, player and headphones, and I det them on the shelf beneath the record player. I finally got settled in, and the bus had already left. " Where are we first preforming at?" I asked.

" Las Vegas." That was 4 hours and 4 minutes from Hollywood. " Are we preforming there on Saturday?" I asked. Today was Thursday. " Yup," Sherrie replied.

We headed out to the living room after I got my cassette tapes and player. I guess the rest of Arsenal was on a different bus or something, because they weren't on the bus. I sat down by Hey Man and Stacee Jaxx. Sherrie sat on Drew's lap.

I was zoned out, listening to Iron Maiden. I couldn't stop thinking about my mom. She was hiding something from me. What was it though? Did it have to do with my dad? God, why did people never tell me what's going on? I guess my face looked screwed up, because Drew said," Arsenal's thinking again."

I looked at him and took off my headphones. " Hey! Shut up!" I rolled my eyes.

" It's funny because that's what Stacee does when he's thinking..." Drew trailed off. I raised an eyebrow. Could THE Stacee Jaxx be my...? No! That's impossible...isn't it? I'd have to talk to either Stacee or my mom.

Stacee glanced over at me. I glanced over at him. Was it possible that he was my dad? He would've been 17 when I was born...my mom was 17 when I was born, too...

I didn't really know. I just couldn't seem to think that it was possible. There were so many possibilities of who it could be. But, most of the signs were pointing towards Stacee Jaxx. I ignored the situation, though.

I pulled out my notebook from my bag. I felt like writing some songs. I had been working on one that I based off of my father. So far, it went:

I should have known better

Than to let you go alone,

It's times like these

I can't make it on my own

Wasted days, and sleepless nights

And I can't wait to see you again...

It was all true. I believe that it's my fault my dad left my mom, and that I shouldn't have let him go alone. But, sometimes, I can't make it on my own. I needed a father and I never got one. I spent many days and sleepless nights wondering who my father was. AND, I couldn't wait to see him again. I didn't know when I would see him, but I was determined to.

Stacee Jaxx looked over my shoulder at my songs. " Are those songs?" Stacee asked. I nodded.

" Oh, she writes lots of songs. I mean, she has notebooks full of them," Sherrie said.

" Sherrie!" I said under my breath, but loud enough for her to hear.

" Oh really? Can I see them?" Stacee asked.

"Uh-" I began, but Sherrie hopped up and ran to our room. I threw my notebook on the couch and ran after her. She was already heading out with my notebooks. I gave her a look. She ran past me, not before I grabbed her ankle ( I had slipped on the floor and fell on my way down the hall). She pulled me along. " Arsenal! Let go!" she yelled.

" No! Go put those back!" I replied. We made it to the living room, and Sherrie handed Stacee my notebooks. " NO! Slowly...dying...good-bye..." I said, pretending to take in last breaths. I pretended to die and Drew said," Why do you always do that? You've been doing that ever since you were like, 11."

" Actually, since I was 4. It's fun," I answered. I got up and sat back down. Stacee was already looking through my books. I scowled. Stacee looked through all of my books, until finally, he reached the song I was writing. He gave me back my notebooks. " I like them. Can I use a few of them in the concerts?" Stacee asked.

" Uh...sure..." I replied. He wanted to sing some of my songs!

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It was nighttime, and I was in my room, talking to my mom over the phone. Sherrie was in the bathroom brushing her hair.

" It's been going good so far. Stacee Jaxx is really cool! He read some of my song books and said he wanted to sing them on stage!" I said through the phone.

" That's great, honey! I'm so proud of you! I know your father either is!" she replied. Is?

" My father is...?" I asked. I heard her gasp.

" Oh, uh, I meant-" she stuttered.

" Mom, tell me the truth!" I begged. Sherrie looked at me and mouthed 'what's wrong?'. Drew entered the room. 'Daddy issues' I mouthed back. 'Ohhh' she replied.

I heard her sigh. " Arsenal, I talked to your father today. He called shortly before you did," she said.

" ...What?..." I asked.

" Arsenal, honey, he's so proud of you," she replied.

" But he left us! Why would he care about me? He probably wouldn't even like me if we did meet!" I said.

" Arsenal, don't say that! Your father loves you, he wouldn't have called if he didn't." I realized she was right. He wouldn't 'bother' us if he didn't love my mom or me.

" Can I ask a question?" I asked.

" ok..." my mom said, worry evident in her voice.

" How did you and dad meet?" I asked. She sighed.

" We met at the Bourbon. I was set to interview him and the band, since it was their first gig, and I was just at 17. He was amazed by my spit-fire attitude. Soon enough, we fell for each other. But, I had to go back to my office. But, you know what they say. If something loves you, it will come for you. And he did. I traveled with him and his band, and soon enough, you were born to us," she replied.

I had another question. " Mom, did you lie about why he leaved?" I asked.

" I'm sorry, Arsenal, I shouldn't have lied to you..." she whispered. She sounded on the verge of tears. I was angry, but I knew going off on her was a bad thing to do. She only wanted to protect me from the truth.

" Can I know the truth?" I asked.

" Your father left because of management." she replied. " They didn't think that you were important in his life, so they made him leave. It was either he stay or he went on with life." I felt a tear run down my face. He chose fame over me. And my mom.

" So, he chose fame instead of me?" I asked, choking back the sobs threatening to escape. Drew gave me a worried glance.

" No, no, no, honey, You have to understand why he did what he did. He left so he could get us a better life."

" What does that mean?"

" It means, he wanted you to grow up the way you're supposed to grow up. Happy. Even though he wasn't there, doesn't mean he still cared. He loves you more than you think. The only thing that mattered to him was your happiness." WOW. I man I thought didn't want anything to do with me, cared. He wanted me to live a good life.

" Honey, I've gotta go. I'm going to go see Lonny and Dennis to talk. I love you."

" Love you too."

"Bye, honey," she said. I hung up.

" What's wrong?" Drew asked.

" It was all a lie." I mumbled. I played with the buttons on the phone. " He wanted to be in my life, but fame took him from me." I wiped violently at the tears falling down my cheeks.

Sherrie gave me a sad look. " I need a moment," I said, running out of the room. I ran outside into the cool night air. Since the bus was stopped for the night, I stood out on the sidewalk. I began to sing a song I wrote.

She stepped off the bus out into the city streets

Just a small town girl with her whole life

Packed in a suitcase by her feet

Those verses reminded me of Sherrie.

But somehow the lights didn't

shine as bright as they did

on her momma's TV screen

And the work seemed harder and the days seemed longer

than she'd ever thought they'd be...

But you know you got to stick to your guns

when it all comes down

'cause sometimes you can't choose

it's like heads they win, tails, you're gonna lose.

I was sitting on the pavement and staring at the stars. I was wondering if my dad was staring at them, too.

Win big-Momma's fallen angel

Lose big-living out her lies

Wants it all-Momma's fallen angel

Lose it all, rolling the dice of her life...

Now she found herself in the fast lane living day to day

Turned her back on her best friends, yeah

And let her family slip away...

Fresh tears fell.

Just like a lost soul

caught up in the Hollywood scene

All the parties and the limousines

Such a good actress hiding all her pain

Trading her memories for fortune and fame

Just a step away from the edge of a fall

caught between heaven and hell

Where's the girl I knew a year ago?

I heard Drew sing the last part. I looked up and saw him standing by me.

Win big-Momma's fallen angel

Lose big-living out her lies

Wants it all-Momma's fallen angel

Lose it all, rolling the dice of her life

Too much too soon

or just a little too late

'Cause when her ship came in

She wasn't there and she just wouldn't wait...

Win big-Momma's fallen angel

Lose big-living out her lies

Wants it all-Momma's fallen angel

Lose it all, rolling the dice of her life

Win big-Momma's fallen angel

Lose big-living out her lies

Wants it all-Momma's fallen angel

Lose it all, rolling the dice of her life...

Drew sat down beside me. We had a settled silence between us for a few minutes, but Drew finally said," Can you tell me what's going on?"

I took in a shaky breath and began. " My dad was famous. He wanted me to grow up around him. Management took him from me. He left so I could have a happy life."

" Oh wow...that's not too good," Drew replied.

" He met mom through an interview..."

" Hey, that sounds like Constance..." Drew said.

" Yeah, but I my dad can't and isn't Stacee Jaxx! AND, my mom didn't die during childbirth and I'm most certainly NOT dead!" I replied.

" Yeah, but how do you know that? Just think about it, it's not impossible, you know," Drew stated. I thought. I thought and thought and thought. It could be possible...No! Arsenal, NO! It's not possible! I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the tour bus door open. I looked up and saw Stacee. Drew got up and said," Just think about it."

He passed by Stacee and went back inside. Stacee walked over to me and looked down at me. " You okay?" he asked.

" Yeah. I'm fine," I replied. Total lie. Why did I have to lie about it?

" You sure don't sound like it," Stacee replied. I chanced a look up at him. He was staring at me, as if he knew I was lying. " Do you wanna talk about it?"

I didn't reply. " Come on." He held out his hand. I took it. I stood up. Stacee led us toward a record store that was down the street. He opened the door for me and I stepped inside, him following me afterwards. Luckily, not a lot of people were in the store, so they didn't bother us.

I went over to the rock section. I saw Iron Maiden came out with a new record. They already had over 13, and they just wrote them like crazy. " What's bothering you, Arsenal?" Stacee asked, flicking through old records.

" It's about my dad..." I mumbled. Stacee stiffened a bit. I continued on.

" My mom told me a little about him. She told me how the met and why he left in the first place. She said that he's proud of me."

" Well, getting to tour with a famous band is a big deal. Why wouldn't anyone be proud?"

" Yeah...but I just don't think he really, genuinely cares about me. I mean, I'm just me. Nothing special, nothing amazing," I replied.

" Don't say that. He probably loves and cares for you more than you think," Stacee said, nudging my shoulder. I shrugged.

" I don't know. I just really want to meet him, but I have no idea who he is," I said back.

" He may be closer than you think," he said. I couldn't really believe this was Stacee Jaxx. He was very much changed, I knew that. He still drank and stuff, but not as much. It seemed weird.

" I don't know. Dreams will be dreams," I replied.

" I'll get you a record if you want," Stacee recommended.

" Nah, it's alright," I replied. The last thing I needed was to be spoiled. I wasn't ever really a spoiled child, unless you count being babysat by Lonny and Dennis and them bribing me with candy spoiled. I miss the old childhood days.

" I'm gonna go back to the tour bus. You coming?" I asked.

" No, you go ahead," Stacee replied.

I walked out of the store.

I heard singing from a few guys around me.

Wow! Pretty woman, walking down the street

pretty woman, the kind I'd like to meet

Pretty woman, I don't believe you, it must be true

no one could look as good as you...mercy!

Although I was very much flattered, I ignored them.

Pretty woman, won't you pardon me?

Pretty woman, I couldn't help but see,

pretty woman, you look as lovely as you could be,

are you lonely just like me?

Argg...

I knew they really meant no harm, but I quickened my pace.

Pretty woman, stop awhile, pretty woman, talk a while

Pretty woman, give your smile to me

Pretty woman, yeah yeah yeah. pretty woman look my way

Pretty woman, say you'll stay with me

'cause I need you, need you tonight! UH!

Pretty woman, don't walk on by, pretty woman, don't make me cry

pretty woman, don't walk away, yeah, ok

If that's the way it must be, ok

I guess I'll go home , it's late, maybe tomorrow night...

I reached the tour bus door, opened it, and looked back at the men still on the street.

but wait, what do I see?

she's walking back to me

Wow! Wow! Pretty woman!

I slammed close the door and rolled my eyes. "Sherrie!" I called out.

" Arsenal, in the bedroom!" Sherrie yelled back to me. I walked back to our bedroom, where Sherrie had the record player on. She had a worried look plastered on her face. " Are you alright?" she asked.

" Yeah. I think I just needed to relieve some stress." I took a few steps toward the bathroom. " I'm going to get ready for bed."

I walked in and shut the door. Taking a deep breath, I pulled out my razor blade. I still had some stress that needed to be relieved. I was getting better about cutting, though. I only did it every few months when nothing felt right and things like this happened. No one knew I did this.

I sat down and pressed the blade against my leg and began to pull. Once the crimson began to draw, I stopped and watched. It was practically pouring out of my leg. I grabbed a few paper towels and pressed them against my thigh. The bleeding eventually stopped, and I bandaged the cut. My legs had scars covering them. They were fading, but they were definitely still there and they still held some dark memories.

I got changed and brushed my teeth and all that junk, and went back out to our bunks. Sherrie was already asleep, so I didn't bother her. I sat on my bed and heard something crinkle under my weight. I looked back and saw I was sitting on the edge of a bright yellow bag. I picked it up and opened whatever was inside. It was the Iron Maiden record I was looking at in the record store. I smiled and lightly shook my head. Stacee knew I didn't want to be spoiled. Why'd he get it?