I haven't been myself lately
I don't blame you for not wanting to stay
He couldn't believe it, yet knew that it was all his fault no matter how much he tried to deny it. He hated how his mouth would work, would say things without his permission, would hurt his brothers and friends, would hurt himself. He doesn't remember how it started, he only knows that he stopped being himself after that day.
He hates that he can't keep it long enough for the others to stay with him for more than five minutes.
Saying things that I don't mean
Not meaning what I say
He remembers when he first hurt his big brother, the one he admired the most, he hurt him. He didn't mean too, he really did, but when it came to an apology he couldn't simply say it. The words, the same that hurt his brother, didn't want to come out of his mouth now.
When it's good, it's so good
When it's bad, it's SO BAD
"Maybe I REALLY have gone mad!" he once screamed in his room, hands on his head, trying to think what was wrong with him, maybe that was it, so many things they have been thru all this years and he finally lost it! Maybe he knew that his life was coming to an end and could only say what was on his mind. Maybe he wanted to be open to the rest of them, more so than ever and yet. YET. He hurt them, deeply.
What am I supposed to say
When I end up driving everyone away?
Screams could be heard from everywhere and yet at the same time coming only from one place. Him. His words had caused a conflict with his family and now they were gone. Because of him, his words, his attitude, they couldn't work well together and now? Now they were gone, Shredder had taken them, the moment he saw a chance he killed them and left him alive.
Why?
Why couldn't he go with them too? Why why why why.
Cause, I am on fire
A crying, burning liar
He knew why, he hated that he knew the answer but what else was new? He wasn't the same as he used to be before. Yet it hurt, it hurt to know that because of him, his words, he was alone. But...hadn't he always wanted that? Deep down? His brothers always made fun of him since he could remember. They were hurtful most of the time but he had taken the job to not care about them, to be the pranker, the joy of the team.
And he betrayed that when he made a deal with his Master's, his father's enemy.
Seeing nothing, nothing, but myself
And I'm the one with the lighter
His screaming and sobs turn into wet laughter and euphoria. He should be happy. It was done, he was no longer tied to people that were hurting him for so long.
So why did he felt empty? Why did he felt like he committed the ultimate sin? Why why why why?
Every inch of me is charred
God, what happened to my heart?
He doesn't remember how it happened. He can only feel himself sticky and heavy, breathing hard and feeling tired and hurt. He looks around.
Blood.
Most of it comes from the bloody and dismembered body two feet away from him. It takes him a few minutes to realize that he killed him. He killed the Shredder and yet he doesn't remember how.
He knows why. There is no need to dwell on that part.
He checks his body, he didn't come out of the fight intact really, he has a big gush on his right arm and it seems that it was broken as well. He guessed he deserved that, after all, he did turn on who was supposedly his 'ally'.
I'm about to fall apart
Again, again
He screams once more, this time out of rage. He screams until he can't any longer. He feels tired, he feels lost, he feels lonely.
And suddenly he stops feeling all together.
Looking around, baby blue eyes land on the bodies that were scattered all around Shredder's lair. He should do something about it, and he does. He finds what he needs and is only when he comes close to each one of his brothers that he takes a moment to look at the unmoving bodies.
He doesn't feel anything.
Yet tears fall from his eyes.
With just one healthy arm and body tired, he burns the place, it takes time, yes, but no one is coming to check on them. They believe that Shredder has won and that's ok. Because it's true.
And he helped him do it.
And you're never coming back
And I'm not okay with that
He goes back home. No, it's not home anymore, it's just an empty subway station now and he is just waiting.
For what? He still doesn't know.
It takes him a while to understand what has happened. It takes him time to get used to stop acting like a goof. It takes him time to stop calling for his brothers.
It takes him a year to realize that he can't keep being alone forever. He thought about suicide, it seemed like such a good idea at the time but no, he can't. He needs to pay for what he did.
But a year seems enough of a payment. He wants to socialize again, start being a goof again, he wants his old life back.
But he can't have it back. He can't, can't, can't, can't...or can he?
He goes to the lab. After a year, everything seems the same, except there is dust and everything that had been liquid had either evaporated or was of an off colour. But he doesn't care about that, he wants one thing and he finds it. He is indeed no genius like his old brother but he can work on it somehow.
After all, he had enjoyed watching his tall brother do his thing with machines, the patience, the concentration. Of course he couldn't be good like his brother, never would he be that good, but he was a survivor, and survivors tended to do what it takes to keep going in life.
And that's what he did.
Of course it takes him time, his broken arm, despite having healed, would still make him groan in pain when using it for too long.
But he does it. He somehow altered the Kraang portal. It took him another year but it's done. He doesn't celebrate though, he simply tries to search for an alternate universe, one similar to his.
And I should've never let myself get attached
Again, again (x8)
He finds it and without a second thought, he makes his old home explode.
He doesn't feel anything, yet, the pain on his chest tells another story.
He knows what he needs to do, and can't help but feel something when he notices that the lair is once more empty, except for his alternate self, who was playing video games, laughing and enjoying his time until his other self felt him.
Only to end up being knocked down by his nunchucks.
Michelangelo doesn't waste time and does what he needs to do with his other self before his brothers get back from wherever they had went.
What's done is done
And nothing's gonna change
Once they're back, he receives them with his trademark grin and asks how things went.
He feels right back at home, as if nothing ever changed, as if he never betrayed them, as if this wasn't the first time in two years since he saw them again. They are unaware of what took place there and that's fine by him. He doesn't mind acting up again, he wants to do it, to be the fool once more, forget everything.
I should be moving on
But I still feel the same
But he can't, he can't do it, he still feels empty. Why? This are his brothers! Why? This is the exact same world as his! Why? They still act the same as before!
Michelangelo knows all the whys, knows so well the answers. He is simply in denial, that's all. He is alone in this world even when he is surrounded by people that love him.
No, not him, but the other him. The one he keeps locked away in another abandoned subway, one that his genius of a brother had yet to install cameras and detectors there. He could've killed him, it wouldn't be his first nor his last kill, but he can't. There is something different about his other self that stops him from thinking on doing something to him.
So what he does is take care of the other turtle when his brothers are sleeping or uninterested of what he does.
And it's like every day
Is a fight for my life
To get some self control
He regrets to talk to his other self. To Mikey. This other version of him isn't exactly like him.
Mikey is truly a bubbly little thing, one that got lucky. Yes, his brothers do say things he doesn't like, but they apologise later and know that he is trying his best to help them with their own problems.
Michelangelo hates him. Hates the fact that Mikey's brothers are like that, because he knows what he told him is true. He had a first time experience not to long ago when he did one of his pranks on Raph. It was the same as always, screams, chasing and hitting.
Only thing was, the hitting wasn't as hard as his Raphael would of done to him, it was a playful one even before being let go and getting a warning before the hot headed went off to the dojo.
It broke Michelangelo. That was not something he was used too and after that? He tried avoiding altogether the red clad turtle as long as possible.
"I talked to him, dude. When we were seven I told him that I only wanted to make him smile and laugh at my pranks, so he shouldn't take them as a big deal" Mikey had answered his question as to why Raph would be so...tame about the pranks.
Michelangelo stood still, thinking each word... before he laughed, one hand holding his stomach.
"Raphael doesn't do talks"
"Maybe yours not, but mine does" that shut him. Only to end up growling at Mikey, throwing his food inside the room he had put his other self in before walking away once he closed the door.
He didn't want to hear about it.
He can't help but feel once again empty.