Chapter One
Severus awoke with a flash of pain, at once terrifying in its intensity and comforting in its familiarity. He rolled to the edge of the bed and promptly vomited upon the floor. He pulled his wand out from beneath his pillow and quickly lit it, alert enough through the pain to be wary. He sat still and studied his environment for several minutes, the stench of sick curling into his nostrils. Confident enough that no one was in his chambers, he flicked his wand at the vomit. A pause and a sniff later he also cast a scented charm before easing off the bed and making his way to his potions cabinet, suddenly desperate for some relief.
Before he had taken five steps, the pain ceased. It was only when the pain went away, completely and fully away, that he realized his forearm had pained him for the past sixteen years. He clenched his left hand and did not feel the protest of his Dark Mark as he always had before. He rolled up his sleeve and immediately wished he hadn't. Severus was unprepared for the completely blank slate that greeted him. No snake flicked its tongue at him, no skull glared menacingly, not even a red mark existed to indicate his flesh had ever been anything but.
His thoughts quickened along with his pulse as he considered the possibilities. The Dark Lord dead, the Dark Lord somehow severing the connection, a trick, a dream. "Don't be a fool," he said to himself, the words low and rough in the silence. Severus Snape had not allowed himself to dream in near two decades. No matter the reason, there was something he knew he must do. He dressed quickly in the dark and made his way to Albus's office, fingers wrapped around his wand as his gaze swept the empty hallways.
He should not have been surprised, but he was. He had not at all expected to step off the winding staircase and find a battered, bloody Potter sitting in the Headmaster's office. Minerva, Poppy, and Molly Weasley were all clustered around the boy, clucking and administrating potions. Albus stood at the window, removed from the scene, face grave. Without a word, Severus strode closer and thrust out his arm. Albus showed no shock at the bare skin. "Of course," he murmured. His fingers absently twirled his wand. "I see."
"Well, I don't," Severus said and felt his temper rising, rising, always rising. "If you could perhaps explain to me-"
Severus fell silent of his own accord when the fireplace swelled green and spit out Sirius Black. Despite the countless other issues at hand Severus still took time to scowl at the disheveled man. Black sneered in response before rather harshly elbowing Molly out of the way and throwing his arms around Harry. So Black the fugitive was more informed than he. He bit his tongue, glanced at the Headmaster who appeared content not to offer any answers, and stayed silent. In the minutes that followed, half the Order tumbled out of the fireplace.
"It's true then?" Kingsley Shacklebolt asked.
"Yes," Albus said. There was a long moment of silence before the old man's face cracked in a smile. "Yes, Kingsley, it's true. Harry has defeated Voldemort." It was a sign of the tension in the room that Poppy only flinched and sent a wary glance at Albus without verbally chastising him.
"I didn't do anything." Potter's voice was several octaves higher than it should have been but otherwise rather strong. "It was Malfoy," he added to a resounding silence. Severus had started to piece together the general idea of what was happening but this tidbit once again threw him in a spin of confusion.
"Draco," he repeated when no one else spoke up. "What – where is he?"
"I'm not sure," Potter said. He bit his lip. "He ran off."
"Start from the beginning," Albus said. He settled into his desk and regarded Potter with the utmost respect and attention. "If you please." Potter immediately launched into the tale with the air of someone who had recounted many adventures. It was second nature for Severus to keep all fear off his face but with each word, the smoothness of his face cracked. Draco was an idealistic, impetuous child who had caused more problems for Severus than he had ever solved. He was also the first and only diaper Severus had changed; he had bragged to the Potions master about his ability to piss in a toilet; he had thrown tantrums over his Potions grades; he had held his newly branded forearm and cried in Severus's chambers.
Potter stumbled over Narcissa's death and Severus cast a quick look around the room. Everyone was shocked to some degree but no one appeared at all disturbed. As many memories he had with Draco, he had infinitely more with Narcissa. She was too fragile to live the life of a Death Eater's wife, too egotistical to be a proper mother, and she was the closest to a friend he had come…after Lily, of course. And, oh, how Draco must be dealing with witnessing her decapitation.
Harry finished his story with details of how he had Apparated outside the wards and stumbled through the Forbidden Forest. Madame Pomfrey gave Harry a dreamless sleeping draught and ushered him out of the office to get him into a hospital bed. Black followed like the dutiful puppy he was.
"Severus," Albus said. Severus easily caught the message that he was to find Draco. He nodded sharply and hurried out of the office as the rest were briefed on the task of collecting the remaining Death Eaters. Severus rubbed his forearm and hoped he would find Draco soon. He was worried about the boy and he would really like a drink.
Severus did not sit idly by hospital beds when someone got injured. Instead, he went back to Hogwarts, cast several cleansing charms on himself, and set up his classroom for the day. He was more than relieved to note he would not see any fifth years that day. The last thing he needed was to deal with a group of teenagers bleating over their missing House poster boys. He had no patience for children and no-
Severus, in the middle of a lecture on the properties of Monkswood, fell silent. He could feel the heavy stares of thirty twelve year olds yet he felt as light as a feather. He had no patience for children and yet Albus knew controlling the youth would give him the most power and Severus had needed his protection. He had needed to suffer through endless hours of immaturity to stay alive. Now he didn't. Now he was free. The thought had not crossed his mind at all when he'd seen his bare forearm. He had done nothing but worry. With this simple revelation, he stopped worrying.
"Class dismissed," he said. He spelled his supply cabinet shut and swept out of the room in the midst of the children's confused whispers. He had quite possibly never travelled to Albus's office quite so fast. He entered without knocking and found the headmaster observing one of the small spindly toys he kept around his office.
"I was waiting," Albus said quietly. "I quite honestly expected you here sooner."
"Well I'm here now," Severus said and frightened himself with the anger in his voice before he realized he had no more reason to be fearful.
"No more Unbreakable vow," Albus said, "now that Riddle is dead."
"Yes," Severus said. He had nothing to do with the Dark Lord's death and he felt suddenly more triumphant than he ever had before. "I offered you my soul to protect her. It didn't work and still you kept it."
"I did think that after all this time…" Albus trailed off and waved a hand. Severus laughed.
"That I cared for you? That I cared for anyone?" Still he laughed and he could identify each emotion in Albus's eyes – pity, anger, and fear.
"I see," Albus said. "I take it this is your resignation."
"Effective immediately," Severus agreed and stood to exit the office before his exultation got the better of him. Since he had begun to spy for Albus he had difficulty maintaining his façade in front of the gray old man. That was another, unspoken reason Severus was glad to go. It was hard to be egotistical when a man infinitely his better sat across from him, flaunting his wasted power, reminding Severus of everything he could do but chose not to. Severus hungered for that power, the power which he would never have. Now he could retire to his Muggle house and brew potions until the fumes asphyxiated him if he wanted and there would be no glittering blue eyes to remind him of all his failures.
"Before you go," Albus said and extended a scroll of parchment. "With Narcissa passed and Lucius in custody, the legal guardianship of Draco has passed to you. He turns seventeen this summer but the next few months are still up in the air. I recommend that you allow him to continue at Hogwarts." Severus scanned the form stating he gave permission for Draco to attend Hogwarts. There was a disappointingly large part of him that wanted to Vanish the parchment out of spite. Instead, he grabbed a quill off Albus's desk, scrawled his name, and returned both items to the headmaster. "The Ministry has seen fit to grant you access to the Malfoy vaults and grounds to assist in your caring for Draco." Severus knew very well Albus had pulled some strings to get that access and again he wanted to throw it back in someone's face.
"I see," he said. "Is that all?" Albus nodded and Severus left.
It took a single wand swish to pack up twenty years of belongings. Severus felt slightly giddy as he stepped into the green flames, his former quarters empty behind him, and said, "Spinner's End."
Severus spent the first day in bed and alternated between feeling vindicated and exhausted. The second day he went to Diagon Alley and replenished his supplies for his basement potions laboratory. He had not experimented with potions since Albus had taken over his life; Severus was not interested in anything safe or helpful, after all. As he prepared himself a sandwich for supper he received an owl from a healer at St. Mungo. Draco was alert and asking for him. After consulting the time, Severus decided to save the visit till the morning.
He woke in the middle of the night, overcome with the need to explore the poisonous properties of Lady's Foot. At one point, he paused to wipe sweat from his brow and found it was early evening. The side of his pinky had been laid bare, stripped of flesh through some accident he had failed to notice. His basement smelled distinctly of goblin urine although he had not personally carried the ingredient in some time. Through several missteps he had concocted something probably poisonous enough to nauseate a mouse. Nothing had been accomplished and he felt more alive than he had since the day he'd called Lily Evans a Mudblood.
He showered, gnawed on a carrot, and went to bed. He slept fitfully but through the night and awoke with a distinct lack of inspiration. It was as he mooned about in his bedroom that he saw the letter he had tossed aside. He did feel a bit guilty for ignoring Draco, now that he remembered he was doing so, but the reminder came at an opportune time. Maybe as he visited his godson he would spot an afflicted person whose condition could inspire him. He changed out of the bedclothes he had worn for the past 3 days and threw a cloak over his fresh attire.
The check-in to St. Mungo's was expectedly unpleasant. The sight that greeted him in his godson's room was not. Potter sat at Draco's bedside grinning while Draco pouted playfully. Playfully. Draco had never been one to hide his emotions as much as he might have tried to and yet Severus had never seen him so careless.
He cleared his throat and the good humor of the room dropped immediately. Potter lurched out of his chair as if he was going to leave, paused, and sat back down. The initial startle on his face changed rapidly to challenge - typical Potter need to be the center of attention. Severus was here to visit his godson and not the egotistical Gryffindor who needed several good beatings.
"Professor Snape," Draco said, eyes flitting between his godfather and Potter.
"You've heard I am now your legal guardian?" Severus asked in a direct attempt to stave off pleasantries. He returned Draco's nod with his own. "I presume your brain is developed enough and your pocket deep enough to ensure you won't starve to death." Draco nodded again but this time his shoulders were tense, his eyes clouded with anger and something else. Severus met his gaze and saw it easily within Draco's mind. He was disappointed. He had thought the end of The Dark Lord would mean a new Severus. Well, he was right about that. It was only his own fault if it was not the new man he was expecting.
Severus sifted through this information and, as he began to pull out of Draco's mind, stumbled across another thought lurking near the surface. Immediately he withdrew, a sneer curling his lips. Draco took one look at his new guardian's face and went pink. "You went into my mind," he said.
"A favorite pastime of his, apparently," Potter said and Draco snorted.
"Hopefully not also one of yours, Potter, or you might be rather disgusted by what you see in Draco's mind." The beginning hints of mirth on Draco's face melted just quickly enough for Severus to see before he spun on his heel and strode out of the room. He returned to Spinner's End in a haze of anger. Why did Potter have to be around to ruin everything? That little meeting had gone far from how he'd expected and after that who knew when or even if there would be another one. He hadn't even gotten a chance to ask Draco how he was doing, how Narcissa had died, what had happened to Lucius. The more he stewed, the more regret he felt. He was too damn old to be running his mouth like a child any time he grew angry.
He tried to throw himself back into his potions but the day was a waste. Around midnight, he gave up his futile efforts and retired to the living room with a dusty bottle of Firewhiskey. He began to weep around his third drink. It was his own fault, everything, and he had to face that now. The past sixteen years he had blamed everything on Albus, the Dark Lord, Potter, Black, even Lily. Even as a child he'd had his father to blame. It was always someone else's fault that he suffered. He'd had no control, no choice, and so how could it be his fault that everything went to shit? But now four days into what was supposed to be freedom he saw the truth. It was all always his fault. His fault for being a disappointing son, for being ugly and cruel to Lily, for being greasy and friendless, lonely and angry, violent and frightful. He'd made himself into this hideous excuse of a man. And he thought he could run off to his Muggle home and brew potions to the end of his days? The delusions of a twisted worthless man.
The bottle dropped half-empty to the floor with a dull thud. Severus tried to place his glass on the coffee table but it also fell to the carpet. Soon enough, he slipped into a restless sleep.