(Disclaimer: We don't own Redwall or Lord of the Rings. The PPC idea comes from Jay and Acacia, who first came up with the idea.)

Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Mossflower Division

By Bubonic Woodchuck

Chapter One: In Which Shay Receives A Reading List

-----

Rena strode briskly through the corridors. She was in a hurry to get back to Headquarters, as she hadn't been there in hours due to Shay's training.

The new recruit struggled to keep up with the older girl's pace. "Are we there yet?"

"If we were, d'you think I'd still be walking?" Rena replied.

"Um...no."

"My point exactly."

Shay was about to point out that Rena wasn't walking; in fact it was more like a headlong sprint, but she had no desire to lose her newly found job, or her head for that matter.

A few more moments passed in silence; then Rena stopped at a door, unlocked it, and stepped inside, Shay right behind her. They entered a large metal room. Various pelts lined one wall, quite obviously trophies from bygone missions; a large otterskin throw-rug adorned the floor. Shay bent down and patted it; it was extremely soft and smelled of expensive hair-care products. Immediately the Asian checked the console, which was emitting a steady 'beep.'

"'S that?" asked Shay, peeking over Rena's shoulder.

"E-mail," replied Rena. "From Ardin, no doubt."

"Ardin?"

"He's in the Department of Intelligence for the Mossflower Division. He searches out the missions, and sends them to us to take care of."

"I see."

"Apparently this mission's on Salamandastron - some random haremaid heroically fights her way through Ferahgo's horde and saves Urthstripe."

"Um, 'kay."

Rena looked at Shay. "You haven't read that book, have you?"

"...No," said Shay meekly.

Rena shook her head. "That's not good. We can't go on a mission until you're properly acquainted with all of Redwall canon." She checked the computer again, and then gestured at the tall cabinets that lined a wall. "I'll divert this mission to the Bad Slash Department - there's some Ferahgo/Klitch in this one too. They'll take care of that, which will leave us about two days until we go on it to exterminate the Mary-Sue. You have approximately forty-eight hours to read all of the Redwall books you haven't yet read. They're all in that cabinet over there." She turned and began typing a letter to the Bad Slashers.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" A terrified scream rent the air. Rena spun around, almost knocking the keyboard off of the desk.

Shay quivered with fright, pointing at the open cabinet. The Redwall books were stacked neatly in chronological order, but that wasn't what she was screaming about.

A glowing little fireball was seated on the shelf directly below the books. On closer inspection, it appeared to be a miniature version of J.R.R. Tolkien's Balrog, and was actually rather cute in a fiery-demon-ish way. Shay wailed, "You never told me about this thing!"

The affronted creature glared at Shay. Rena snorted in a futile attempt to hold back her laughter. "That's my mini-Balrog, Bromire."

"Mini-?"

"I got him from the Official Fan-fiction University of Middle Earth. Miss Cam runs it - you heard of it before?"

"'Every name spelt wrong in Rings/A mini-Balrog gets its wings,'" recited Shay, who was beginning to blush.

"Right," said Rena. "This one was born from a really, really bad Boromir/Aragorn fic. He takes care of my weapons and things. Cummere, ikkle guy," and the mini-Balrog wandered over and plopped contentedly in her lap. She hugged it fondly, completely oblivious of the flames surrounding the little demon. Bromire made a sound of deep satisfaction, closed his eyes, and snuggled up to Rena. "I used to work in the Bad Slash Department for LotR, you know." She pronounced the acronym smoothly - 'loter.'

Shay watched, one eyebrow raised. Rena was insane. Definitely off the deep end.

-----

"WHAT?!"

"Eh?"

"How could they?"

"Could they what?"

"Give us a mission now? We haven't slept for five days!"

There was a thunk as fist met computer screen. Fortunately, the screen was plastic and very thick plastic at that, for this sole purpose; and so it did not break.

The fist was another matter.

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!"

"'Kiko...!"

"Ow! [expletive]! Ow!"

"Calm down, 'Kiko!"

"Shut up, Mike! Ow!"

"Akiko, if you'd just let me look at the [expletive] hand!"

A sigh. "All right! Ow! Fine!"

An uncomfortable pause followed.

"OW!"

"It's bandaged, okay? Bandaged. Not the best, but we're too far from Medical for it to be worth it."

Akiko Ichimonji sniffled. "Thanks a lot, jerk. Are you saying I'm not worth it?"

Mike Wilson patted her blue-dyed hair. "Of course not. All I'm saying is that it's very, very far from here to Dr. Fitzgerald's office, and the remote activator's broken so we can't portal there, and Makes-Things is too busy being terrorised by the Mary-Sue Department to lend us a hand at fixing it, and finally Dr. Fitzgerald is also too busy tending to Legolas from Lord of the Rings, and Bluefen from here, to bandage your fist up." He took a deep breath after uttering the run-on sentence.

"Yeah, I guess," said Akiko, nursing her hand. She paused. "Hey, wait a minute. Aren't canon characters not allowed in Headquarters?"

"Of course they're not. But sometimes agents lose their neuralysers, or the characters are beaten up to the point of death, and they portal 'em here. It's against the rules, but otherwise canon would pretty much implode. Besides, nobody does it unless it's an emergency."

Akiko smiled coyly at her boyfriend. "Have you ever done it?"

"Maybe." Mike smiled back at her from behind his dark brown bangs. "But in any case you didn't hear it from me. Now, let's go."

"Now?"

"Look. You've been with the Bad Slashers for a year now. You know that the longer we wait, the greater the chance the author might post another chapter."

"Ergh. Don't remind me." Akiko grabbed a backpack and slung it over her shoulder. "Set the disguises, Wilson."

"Right. Vermin, then." Mike flipped a few switches, opened up a portal, and the two Bad Slashers stepped into the heat of a noonday sun.

-----

"So, what was the name of Sollertree before he lost his family?" asked Rena.

"Skyspike," replied Shay promptly.

"Good. What was the name of Tammo's mother?"

"Mem Divina."

"Right. The expert archer that slew Rillflag?"

"Vallug Bowbeast."

"Excellent. The dish that Hon Rosie made in The Bellmaker, which was also created by Rufe and Durry in the prologue of the book?"

"Pearl Queen Pudden."

Rena leaned back in her chair. "Well, now we sit and wait till the Bad Slashers are done, I guess. You might want to take a nap - it'll be the first and only one you'll ever take here. You've a guaranteed fifteen hours. After that, we might be working nonstop for days on end."

"What?!"

"You heard me right. And you're lucky we aren't in the LotR division. I remember how we worked for two weeks without more than an hour of sleep at a time in Bad Slash."

"How do you guys do this?"

"A lot of us can't and go live in the Psych ward. The rest of us? Caffeine." Rena pointed to a bubbling coffee machine in one corner of the room. "That was the first thing I got when I was transferred to Redwall."

"I hate coffee," said Shay as Rena went to get herself a cup.

"You'll learn to like it. And if you seriously can't stand the stuff, you can ask Bromire - nicely, mind you - to get you a soda. There are vending machines in the cantina."

Shay glanced at the mini-Balrog, who bared his teeth ingratiatingly. "Um, I'll take coffee."

"Oh, he doesn't bite. Just ask him real nicely, and maybe give him something shiny. Bromire likes shinies." Rena rubbed the mini-Balrog's head.

"Really," muttered Shay sarcastically.

"Yeah. See?" Here the other assassin opened up a cupboard. Inside were what seemed like a million shiny things, including (but not limited to) two jewelled broadswords, a curved dagger, several necklaces, and no less than six replicas of the One Ring, which, incidentally, looked as if they had been ripped rather haphazardly off of random necks. "Came from Mary-Sues during a crossover mission," said Rena proudly, indicating the rings. "The SO let me keep 'em. Bromire's rather proud."

"I imagine so," said Shay, looking down at Bromire, who was patting one of the replicas fondly.

BEEEEEEEEP!

Rena swore briefly and creatively. Shay raised an eyebrow and stored Rena's profanity in the back of her mind for reference. It never hurt to increase one's knowledge of foreign languages.

"How can they be done already?! How, I ask you?"

"Bad Slash is fast, I guess," replied Shay.

"Bad Slash? Fast? Those words should never be used in the same sentence."

"Unless it's 'Bad Slash is not fast,' right?"

"Right. Vermin disguises. Mm, I haven't been a rat for a while. How about you?"

"Um...stoat."

"Right then." Rena tapped briefly on the keyboard, opened a portal, and stepped onto the shores near Salamandastron with Shay close behind, much like the Bad Slashers had done before.

[Rena's A/N: Some plot development before our first mission, I suppose. Any road I would like to remind you all that this is not an MST; all Mary-Sues contained within this fic are the product of our own demented minds. However, if you would like to gain a wee bit of recognition, you may e-mail your own badfic to us at bubonic_woodchuck@yahoo.com. Please bear in mind that the badfic e-mailed must be yours. Do not e-mail us anyone else's. Thank you.]

[Shay's A/N: Well, there's another chapter done. Please review. Positive feedback will be appreciated; constructive criticism will be taken into consideration; flames will be publicly mocked. Thankee.]