One after the other, everyone began to leave until Castle and Beckett were the only ones left. Beckett who was beyond the point of having any control, couldn't stop mumbling things in a voice that made it seem like she was about to cry. Castle tried not to be distracted by what she was saying as he tried to figure out how to get her home. Ordinarily, he would've gotten her a cab and headed home but she was so drunk that he was worried about her getting to her apartment on her own.
"Come on, it's time to get you home." Castle said, putting Beckett's arm around his shoulder in an attempt to balance her.
"I still have some of my drink left." Beckett said, barely holding onto her glass.
"I think you've had enough." Castle said, taking the glass from Beckett's hand and placing it on the table.
Beckett continued to mumble words Castle couldn't make out as he dragged her across the bar. For a few moments, they stood in silence as they waited for a cab.
"I wish you'd just stay." Beckett said, looking at Castle through the hair that had fallen across her face.
"I can't, Kate." Castle said, the words hurting him as they left his mouth.
Castle tried to shut all of the pain out as he and Beckett headed to her place. He hated the effect she still had on him, how she could reel him back in the second she wanted. There was a part of him that wanted to grab her and kiss her, forgive her for everything and start afresh. As much as he loved her, he couldn't get himself to do it, he couldn't forgive her, not yet.
Getting Beckett up to her room was harder than Castle thought it would be. By the time, they had reached the elevator, Kate seemed completely unable to stand on her own and felt so much heavier than she actually was. The farthest Castle could get her was the couch, so he lay her down and took off her shoes. Once he had covered her up with the blanket Kate always left on the arm of the couch, he began to leave.
"Please stay Castle." Beckett said, grabbing Castle's hand.
"I told you, I can't." Castle said, suddenly feeling sad as he saw the helplessness on Kate's face.
"Just for tonight then." Beckett said.
Before Castle could say anything, he heard Beckett snoring. He thought about leaving, she was probably going to be out for the night but he couldn't get himself to leave her hand. The thought that this might be the last night they could be together without everything changing was what made him sit down on the armchair next to the couch. He knew he had to leave but not right away, he thought; he could stay, even if just for a little while.
Kate woke up the next morning, with the worst headache she had ever had. The sunlight from the blinds was almost blinding. Kate put out a hand covering her eyes as she gathered the strength to sit up straight. She was surprised to see Rick sleeping on the chair next to her. He looked so handsome with the sunlight shining on his face. She wanted time to stop, just so she could be there, watching him sleep just for a little while longer.
"Hey." Castle said, waking up.
"Hey." Kate said, with a small smile.
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright, I must have fallen asleep." Castle said, standing up, ready to leave.
"It's fine, thank you for taking care of me." Beckett said, brushing her hair away from her face.
Castle just smiled, stopping short of telling her how he would always take care of her.
"I should get going." Castle said.
"Do you want to have a cup of coffee first?" Kate asked, walking toward the kitchen.
"I should really get going." Castle said, looking at his watch.
"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" Kate asked, looking visibly hurt.
Both of them knew she wasn't talking about this morning.
"I just..." Castle started.
"You what?" Beckett asked, walking towards Castle.
"I can't stay anymore." Castle said, the feelings starting to well up inside of him.
"Why not?" Beckett asked.
"I don't want to talk about this." Castle said, trying to avoid completely losing his mind.
"Why not? After all of this time, I at least deserve an explanation." Beckett said, feeling somewhat betrayed.
"You deserve an explanation and I don't?" Castle said, raising his voice.
Beckett was taken aback, she had never seen Castle this angry.
"What are you taking about?" Beckett asked after a moment.
"You know what I'm talking about. You remember." Castle said, a weight suddenly lifting from his chest.
"Castle... I can explain." Beckett said, stuttering out the words.
"Explain what? That you didn't feel the same way and were too much of a coward to say it?" Castle said, seething with anger.
"That's not what's going on, just let me explain." Beckett said, trying to touch Castle's arm.
"I'm tired, Kate. I'm tired of trying to convince you that I am someone worthy of being with you. I'm tired of trying to convince myself, I just can't do it anymore. I've spent the last four years trying to be the kind of guy who would deserve you and nothing seems to be enough. I've told you how I've felt and I've waited. I just can't anymore." Castle said, tears streaming down his face. He didn't wait for Beckett's response and started toward the door.
"Castle! Castle!" Beckett called out after him but he was already gone.
Beckett fell on her couch and began to cry. She couldn't hold any of it in, anymore. All of it came rushing back to her, the shooting, Castle telling her he loves her. This was not how things were supposed to be, she was supposed to find her way back to him. Despite everything they had been through, for the first time, she felt like he was actually gone, maybe forever. What was she supposed to do without him? How was she supposed to go on knowing that he was the love of her life and they wouldn't have the happy ending she had always imagined?