I pace around my apartment furiously "They know, they know, they know" I muttered "They'll forget by tomorrow. They were just screwing around, oh no! Damn it. Oh no. Oh no."

I woke up having not slept very well worried what everybody was going to say or do today. I got dressed in my work clothes and cycled to work just like any other day.

I walk in hoping nobody remembers so far so good everybody just says morning as usual and I make to my desk and sit down smiling, nobody remembered!

Jay approaches my desk "So like I said we've got to get you some pussy. Try talking to her" He points to a female salesman and drags me over to her I just freeze up say good morning and run to the stockroom closing the door trying to breathe deeply so as not to hyperventilate.

Jay walks though the still swinging doors "Listen tonight after work, you're coming out with us and it's gonna happen for you"

No way that's happening I have to get out of it, I'm running down the street at full speed turning to see Dave is chasing me he finally catches up "Spencer, stop. Just talk to me." We sit down on the curb of the pavement.

"I don't want to go out with you guys." I say sighing

"Just relax you don't have to do anything."

"I'm busy tonight. I have plans." I try to cover

"You don't have to go out with us tonight if you don't want to."

"I'm thirty years old you can't tell me what to do. It's bullshit. Total bullshit man. You've invaded my privacy and it's not funny. It's my life, I'm fine and my life is fine. I don't need you guys butting in!"

"Okay. We just thought maybe you needed a little push."

I don't need a push. You ever think that some people find sex sacred? It's not a game. This is a choice."

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so religious."

"Well, I am. Okay I'm not but it's my own personal choice. There's more to life than sex. I don't need sex. Why is that so important to everyone? What's the big deal?"

He smiled genuinely at me "If you're happy with the way your life is then fine but you have to ask yourself, are you happy? Don't you ever wonder if there's something more out there? I mean you're not just missing out on sex you're missing out on relationships. How often do you even leave your apartment? What about friends and love and taking chances? Mostly though it is all about the sex. What are you crazy that is the best thing on earth. You can't live your entire life and not experience that. Hiding from that is shutting you down from everything else."

"You know, we've been working together for three years, and I think this is the first time we've ever had a conversation that lasted longer than fifteen seconds." I giggled

"See, good things are happening already. Come out with us tonight. No pressure we'll just have some fun. Don't worry. You won't have sex with anyone tonight."

We laughed he told me he'd cover for me if I wanted to go home and freshen up. I decided to walk home just to think about everything but everything I see on the way seems sexual as if I had seen all of this for my entire life but just never noticed it before.

I pass a magazine stand every cover is of a gorgeous, busty woman turn away and get to the bus stop just wanting to get home. The bus pulls up and on the side of it is a billboard of a perfume ad with a naked man and a naked woman. I can only see their bodies not their faces. It could not be dirtier.

I panic and start running down the street but the bus pulls out and is driving at the same rate of speed as me I cannot escape this dirty billboard no matter how fast Irun. Finally the bus stops at the next light and I lose it but immediately a new bus drives parallel to me with an even dirtier billboard of a couple, bodies naked and intertwined, clearly doing something that I've never done before.

I cut right and starts running through a neighbourhood through houses and lawns. I see two dogs having furious sex on a lawn I cut into the woods and run and run until I run straight through my front door slamming it shut.

I lie down on my bed turning on the TV I flick through the channels every commercial and program I land on seems to have something filthy on it. A soap opera with people kissing, a commercial for Viagra, Paris Hilton almost naked on entertainment tonight, teenagers making out on MTV, a dirty rap video with tons of barely dressed women and a ripped rapper. I shut of the TV and close my eyes as tightly as humanly possible.

Suddenly a banging starts up and the wall behind me starts to shake as the sounds of my elderly neighbours laughing then having very loud sex can be heard vividly through the paper thin wall.

I run into the bathroom the room farthest from that wall and turn on the water, flushing the toilet and put my fingers in my ears closing my eyes trying to block it all out. "Everything's gonna be ok. Everything is gonna be ok." I continue my manta until I fall asleep waking up a few hours later on the bathroom floor.

I decided to take Dave up on his offer of a night of fun and was going to meet them at a new bar opening up in town. I took a shower and got dressed trying to calm my nerves at the same time.

-x-

Jay, Dave, and Bob are all there to greet me when I arrive I take a look around the club I think I may have overdressed slightly.

I walked with Jay back into the bar "Dave told me to be sensitive, so I am going to be sensitive with you. It is important that you lose your virginity, you are thirty years old. Enough is enough. This is a hump you just need to get over. Are you ready to try?"

"Dave said we could just have some fun tonight" worriedly i started looking towards the exit.

"Yes, tonight. What's the difference between tonight and any other night? It's easy, just do what I do and only hit on drunk chicks."

"I can't take advantage of someone when they're drunk."

It's not taking advantage of them. People drink so that they have an excuse to do the things they really want to do. That's why I drink... and smoke pot..."

I sigh it just wasn't something I would be comfortable doing "I don't know it wouldn't feel right."

"Yes, you do know. You've got to get this behind you and it all starts now."

We ordered beers and proceeded to chat and they gave me advice on how to approach my 'problem'

"Just walk up to a woman, but if she's not drunk or into you just move on. It's not worth wasting your time."

I walk around the bar scoping out the women I walk past a table filled with pretty young women talking about getting laid tonight I move towards the table. "Hiya"

They nod all move off but one clearly so she can talk to me alone they give her the eye like 'this is the one you should sleep with'

"How are you doing tonight?"

"Great thank you and yourself?" She had green eyes and dark red hair, attractive but not overly so simply dressed but classy.

I smiled "Never better, can I buy you a few drinks?"

"I'm not really much of a drinker but why don't you sit down?"

I remembered what the guys had told me and this girl definitely wasn't drunk "No thanks. It was nice to meet you though. Have a good night." I walk away back to the guys "She wasn't drunk. Man, this is gonna be hard."

About an hour later they had found me a very drunk blonde propped up against the bar face down on tip of it, if the bar wasn't there right now this girl would be on the floor.

Dave with me over to where she was to invite her to come hang out with us.

Shortly we were all partying with girls who are having a bachelorette party include miss I'm so drunk I can't walk who I now knew as Nicky. Our table was littered with empty glasses and filthy adult novelty items.

Jay was playing with one of the vibrators. He talks into it like it is a phone. "Mr. President. We have a situation in the erection room."

Bob had edible underwear on his face and he is eating through it "It tastes like chicken."

Everyone was laughing hysterically as only drunken people can laugh at semi-humorous jokes they were all a little drunk, except me I have the same beer Jay bought me at the start of the night and I haven't even taken a sip out of it.

Nicky starts mumbling something like "The guy Robin's marrying, Jimmy, is such a good guy. I hated him for two years because he cheated on this other friend of mine but he's really changed. He's a good guy now."

I smile sympathetically I don't think I'd let myself ever get this out of control "That's good that she's marrying a good guy."

"She deserves it. We all do. We've all been friends since we were six. Isn't that sick?" she grinned sloppily

"That's nice to have good friends you've known for a long time."

She turned o me looking at my face blankly "You have kind eyes."

"Thank you. You have..." I was cut off when she kisses me hard on the mouth with lots of tongue. When it ends I have to say I'm a bit shell shocked.

"This is getting lame. Let's get out of here."

Before I can say anything she pulls me up and is walking us towards the exit. I look back at the guys who are so excited that they are high fiving and giving me the thumbs up.

We get into her car I'm not really sure I should let her drive but I go with it for now letting her take me where ever were going.

I started to wonder what i was actually going to do when it came down to it I mean should I tell her or just go with the flow? What if she lives with other people and they all laugh at me tomorrow?

I zoned back in and realised she'd been talking the whole time "She's like, "You are such a B-I-T-C-H," pardon my French, and I'm like shut up, you loser. I hate your fucking guts. Pardon my French. You know what I mean? God, I hate people who are stupid assholes. They are such assholes. You know?" she was clearly extremely drunk and was speaking complete randomness "Who's your name again?"

"Spencer"

"Spinner, let me tell you something don't ever be named Amanda because it is a jerk name. I am Total Cereal. Is a bad person name, she's jerk off you know what I mean?"

Her driving was becoming increasingly erratic "So where do you live?" I was becoming noticeably uncomfortable and hoped we were close.

She just babbled on "Not with jerk-o. No fucking way baby. I did my time. She's someone else's problem now... Do you think I'm pretty?" She turns to ask the question and runs through a red light.

I am quickly starting to appreciate the danger of this situation after another near miss "Oh, God. Yes. Crap."

"Look at me. You're not looking at me. Come on look at my face. Do you think I am pretty?"

She's looking straight at me her eyes don't even glance at the road whereas my eyes are glued to the road, filled with abject terror. "Look at me!" she screams

"Yes your pretty, you're so pretty but I want to live!" I screamed back

"Thank you. You know if people would just offer up a nice compliment like that every once in a while, there would be no poverty. You're cute. Kiss my mouth." I was majorly puzzled at how serious she sounded when she said that, I don't move "Get over here." She forcefully pulls me to her."

I'm now practically sitting on her lap "I like you. You're not a jag..." She pauses to vomit a little in her mouth. "Off." A turns to kiss me oh my god vomit then a kiss gross! Gross! Gross!

"Maybe I should drive. Tell me where you live" I try desperately to help her steer the car.

"Hey, that's awfully forward of you." She begins tonguing my ear.

"That tickles!" I say laughing alternating between laughter and paralyzing fear as the car narrowly avoids striking pedestrians, other cars, trees etc.

Finally Nicky looks up "Oh this is me" she states casually I gather she meant her house and wasn't just referring to herself. She pulled the steering wheel hard, the car did a complete 360 and comes screeching to a halt between two parked cars, in front of a nondescript apartment building. "We're here." She giggled taking off her top "My Mom's staying over tonight, so let's just do it here."

"Maybe I should be moseying home."

All of a sudden she starts to cry then abruptly begins to laugh then proceeded to puke all over me I saw it flash through her eyes a split second before it happened it would of been funny if I wasn't now covered in vomit. "I am so sorry. I think I ate some bad shellfish sandwich." She continued to take off her clothes "Hurry up then we can get breakfast."

I was repulsed and I think traumatized how can she just be ill and act like nothing happened? She doesn't even know me, it's gross. I could smell it on me and felt the bile rising in the back of my throat. "I really need to get going."

I turn to her one last time trying not to giggle at the vomit still stuck on her cheek "I'm just gonna go, I think. Thank you. I had a really nice time."

I made a quick escape and hurried away from the car to make my way home.

-x-