Chapter 2 – Scatter across the sky

August 2013

The midnight sun illuminating through the dark, igniting the spark of the gold stars, the world was alight with the glow of eyes, the dark and the light, the contrast of the same perfection.

They were 6 days into their 14 day honeymoon.

The tropical island, breathtaking.

The heat captivating their bodies, and draining their core, but the water, the blue ocean helping to ease the warmth to a comfortable degree.

The week had evaporated quickly, but they both savoured every moment.

Starting their days early with love between the sheets, ending their nights late with love beneath the stars, immersing in the feeling of new, every single time.

During the afternoon the men never sacrificed the light, opting to brave the burning sun. The beach was situated a few minute's walk from their apartment, relatively and surprisingly quiet for this time of year.

The night brought them to life, the bars loud and atmospheric, just the way they liked it.

But as their nights neared there climax, Aaron and Jackson craved, just each other.

Finding a secluded spot on the beach, they were hidden from the world, surrounded by sand and rocks, alone, in the dark, with just the glimmer from their eyes, keeping a hint of visibility, just enough to see the sight of each other.

They both lay on the sand, propping themselves up with one hand, staring at the now black water ahead, the vision of the moon reflecting in the ripple of the waves.

Aaron, wondering, thinking just before thinking out loud.

"You never did tell me about when you found out you were gay, you told me about when you told your mum and dad, but never about when you found out."

His words, lingered in the air, losing sound beneath the waves.

Aaron's curiosity getting the better of him.

But has he ever heard of the saying, curiosity kills?...

Jackson panicked, the question taking his voice, stealing his life, for just mere seconds.

Taking him back, to where it all was so wrong.

Aaron noticed the startled expression that consumed his husband. Confusion clouded blue pupil's, he now had to discover the truth. To hear, the quiet things, that no one ever knows. Bracing, preparing himself, to feel the cut, opening him wide, the vein that he keeps on closing.

Jackson, looked for inspiration towards the sea, finding none.

He just saw black, feeling the crises he faced, coming right back, he was now afraid, again...of open water.

Feeling the little pieces, of the nothing, just fall to the ground, he transported himself back in time, for Aaron. Wanting him to understand, all the flaws, that once consumed him...

"I, technically found out when I was 11, I was on holiday with my mum and dad in Cyprus. There was this boy, he was about 12, actually he looked a bit like you".

Aaron let out a small laugh, grinning to himself as well as Jackson, leaning intently into him, waiting, preparing.

"I remember asking my mum, why he spoke funny, to which she replied 'he's a cockney sweetheart, it's how people talk in London'. Well I didn't know at the time people in England had accents!

I remember thinking, looking at him, I don't like you.

But I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

After a while I started to get confused, I didn't hate him anymore. I was waiting for him to talk to me, standing close to him, not exactly sure what I was doing, or why I was doing it.

Then it, then something just registered in me. Maybe I was, maybe I was gay.

But I quickly disregarded it, telling myself that I didn't know exactly what it was, but it was something that I had to keep quiet".

Aaron just sat quietly, taking in all the information from his lover, waiting, waiting for the turn of events, waiting for Jackson's memories to surround the both of them in flames, a fire bomb, but they will not burn alone, they will stay in the fire together.

"We got back home, and it was like it never happened. Life returned to normal, playing football, hanging with mates.

Then it happened again.

This time, this time I just knew. I was 12 when I found out properly.

And I was like...fine.

I decided it best to keep my eyes closed, what I feel no one else has to know just yet, keeping my mouth shut, figuring that my mum would say I was too young to know for sure, knowing she would probably cling on to hope that it was just a passing faze.

Nothing had changed, everything remained the same.

The years moved on, I didn't even think about it to be honest, I never grasped the fact I was lying to my friends, my family...me. I didn't need to pretend too much, just at school if the lads asked me who was the fittest in are year, I would lie and pick someone who was pretty, but taken, so they wouldn't pressure me into asking her out.

Every year or so, I would think about it, properly, asking myself whether it was the right time to tell them. But it never was.

And then, suddenly, out of nowhere...I lost who I was."

Aaron watched the tears fall, shock saturating his eyes, Jackson, now vulnerable, his flaws released into the dark, just for him to see.

Jackson felt Aaron's hand grasp his, taking comfort in contact, but the cold was too strong to be taken away.

"My whole outlook changed, never knowing or feeling anything, but strange.

I pushed everyone away, I completely stopped looking at my mum and dad. My friends didn't know what had gotten into me, I snapped at them for just about anything.

I lost all rationality, I lost touch with sanity"

The claws of the ocean pulled him under, the blackness of the water swallowing him whole, leaving no traces, his inner beauty, torn, ripped apart...his true colours, unable to glisten through.

Jackson's tears surfacing, blurring the vision of the stars above.

"I couldn't understand, why my heart was so broken, rejecting everyone's love.

But after a few months, I worked out that, the lie, was holding me down, it wasn't letting me be the person I wanted to be.

But I just didn't want to let them down.

I was never ashamed of who I was, being gay.

I was ashamed of the fact that I cared what people thought of me.

I knew deep down I was being too hard on myself, I remember hearing the saying, 'if you treat your friends, the way you treat yourself, would you have any?'

I just kept crying, screaming in my head, don't be ashamed...don't be ashamed".

Jackson stopped talking, trying desperately to remain in control, instead focusing on discovering where the sea ended and the sky begun, distracting him from the feeling of lost, that consumed his life. For he lost his smile, lost himself in the madness of his head.

Aaron let the tears slip through his grasp, wiping them immediately, immersing himself in living the former life of his husband, living...then letting it die.

Aaron was the first to break the silence, speaking in a soft whispering tone.

"How did you find your way back?"

Jackson smiled, remembering the night fondly, the night he was undone, then suddenly, thrust into colour, captivated by its light.

"I was in my room, staring at the ceiling, my mum and dad had gone out, I wasn't thinking, wasn't feeling anything. Then...a song came on the radio, the long intro of sound captured me, I sat up, waiting for the lyrics to begin.

I can only remember the first few lines, 'Don't be ashamed, closing your weary eyes, nervous and in disguise, covered in white lies, must be away, no reason to run and hide, you know I'm on your side'.

The song continued to play, I could feel something stirring in me, I could feel life behind my eyes, like I was seeing for the first time, seeing everything clearly.

And I knew, in that moment I knew, I would be alright.

My tears flowed into the night, but it was different, like this was my release, like I was rising from the ashes.

I woke up the next day, my whole outlook changed, the faze over, I had even stopped feeling strange...I had chased the bad things away.

And I told everyone, and I promised myself, either way, good or bad, I was never going to let anything, or anyone bring me down.

Because this is me, I am not ashamed, my life is mine to live any way I please, no apologies".

Aaron, his smile beaming the light of 1000 suns, pride overwhelming his eyes, his life...His husband is incredible.

No words were needed, Aaron held him in his arms.

Jackson felt him, he was wrapped in the arms of his world.

Immersing in the ocean in front of them...they never wanted to leave this moment of unity behind.

They heard the waves gently crash into the rocks surrounding them, watching the gold stars, scatter across the sky.

TBC