A/N: Hey, guys, so someone on Tumblr advised me to post my Upstead stories here too and your response has really humbled me. So, I hope you like this update, as my early Easter gift to you. :) P.S. guest who corrected me on the war thing - thank you! I thought of Afganistan in my head but my mind did a thing and I wrote something else lol.
Jay rolled over onto his side, yawning and stretching peacefully like a lazy cat, a far cry from the image most people came to associate with him – tough, imposing, concrete structure, both inside and out. However, that outer layer of fabricated wholeness and perfection that he gracefully presented the world with was only half of a much uglier truth.
Lately, his only share of comfort came to greet him in his dreams – when they weren't filled with haunting, gruesome visions of a battlefield he has long since deserted, that is. Nonetheless, the battlefield hasn't left him and, on most nights aside from the previous one, the painful reminders and the trauma were enough to keep him lying awake, panting and weeping with a heavy heart few people knew of.
One of them was coincidentally the same woman whose blonde locks and warm sky-blue eyes chased his demons away too many times to count in the past, one comforting word at a time, the same woman who haunted him at night, but in a vastly different way. Because of her, his recent dreams had begun to depict another kind of battlefield – one he could manage a little better. Least he hoped so. He tried, he put in the work, even the extra hours for that purpose.
Jay ran a hand through his disheveled hair, enjoying the remains of that much deserved, long awaited rest and an equally pleasant dream he would have loved to continue. It might also be following his every waking movement now, the echoes ringing loudly in his head, but he wasn't about to put up any resistance.
He finally slept after a million years - thank all the Gods above for that or he could have seriously snapped at someone. That wouldn't have been appropriate best man behavior in the slightest and drama really wasn't on today's agenda.
To add to those good news, some very interesting ideas about the day before him materialized in moving sequences as he slept as well. Very enjoyable sequences. He had a newfound clarity and he was actually excited for what the following hours would have in store for him.
Jay wanted every minute of this wedding to be special, not just for his long-time friends and co-workers, hell, maybe even family - Adam and Kim, who finally got their act together but for Hailey too. He couldn't answer why exactly if he was asked, just knew, with utmost certainty, that he longed to do something nice for her.
She deserved it more than anyone else.
He was a CPD detective, he was trained not to ignore clues and his perceptive self never let him down in the past. His deductive capabilities rarely failed and he could tell she's been out of it just as much as him for the past weeks. The reasons why were still a mystery but Jay Halstead had learned empathy long before even wanting to become a soldier to fight for his country or a cop to protect others.
He saw it. Even when no one else did, even when everyone around him seemed to buy into her strained smiles that didn't quite reach her eyes or her hollow reassurance or a tone of voice aiming for certainty yet delivering small cracks threatening to expose a much greater façade.
She wasn't okay. He knew it better than anyone else because he recognized the signs better than anyone else – it felt like looking into a mirror. He hated seeing, even acknowledging that same broken visage he knew of so vividly as a part of her now – it just wasn't right, wasn't natural.
It didn't belong on her. Happy belonged on her – it was long overdue after the kind of life she had, after being kidnapped on the job, battled and bruised too many times to count in the past, sometimes even by his wicked, poisonous words.
I'm sorry my heart doesn't bleed like yours.
Whatever daddy issues got you so screwed up.
After enduring so much physical and emotional pain, she deserved at least one day where someone cared enough to make her feel like a princess. He doubted anyone else even got close enough to try but he was crazier than the average bunch.
He was crazy about her. And dear God, if that didn't make him notice everything.
The lingering sadness in her blue orbs as she stared at Adam and Kim from afar, blended with just a glimmer of longing, her hesitation to talk about weddings or love or floral arrangements or music or any cliché, romantic girly stuff most other women would gush on about endlessly – he couldn't have missed any of it even if he wanted to.
But she wasn't like other women, in so many ways. For starters, she was a lot more wounded and tortured than most.
Likewise, Jay couldn't have missed the sound of his own heart breaking as he witnessed everything firsthand, feeling helpless to it all because it wasn't his right to say or do anything or even push her to open up, despite wanting so badly to just help. He wanted to silence his own taunting voice that screamed:
Maybe she just wasn't over Adam. Even after all this time.
Maybe it was hard for her to see him move on when she apparently hasn't. Or couldn't.
Even if that was still the gruesome case, even if it stung with the same ferocity years later, much like the early days of Adam and Hailey's ancient history relationship, he would do everything in his power to make the blonde forget about it, even if just temporarily – cheer her up, be a friend, be a partner, be whatever she needed.
If she let him, he'd be everything she wanted. Even if just for one night.
Which was why the same Jay Halstead, a man rarely known as a planner under normal circumstances, left no detail to chance, from his outfit to how he envisioned the rest of the day and night going. He didn't want to feel like senior prom all over again but everything about today filled his heart and body with the same anxious, nervous anticipation as then.
He's been in Afganistan and he didn't remember being half as scared as he was now.
Embarrassing admission for a grown man, a police officer, a former soldier, among others. But even not saying it out loud didn't make it any less true.
Because a small, very small part of him secretly hoped, prayed, maybe even privately planned on telling Hailey everything he's wanted to say for years, everything she deserved to hear from him a million times over in the past but he was too much of a coward to give to her.
Every bone in his body urged him to do it today or he never would, to stop postponing, to stop keeping it quiet and carefully locked away, allowing every unspoken word to scream loud in his head, torturing him.
He couldn't let Hailey be the one that got away. Not again. Not after Erin. Not when he thought, maybe even swore that he'd never feel that way for another woman ever again or let his guard down like that around anyone.
Hailey took all of his rules and threw them out the window, one firm move at a time.
Hailey crept into every corner of his soul with an almost practiced ease – even when she didn't say a word, instead settling for being in his presence and offering unspoken support as if that was enough for her, as if that was precisely what she needed from him and nothing else – to let her in.
Hailey chipped away at his every carefully constructed layer, saw the best and the worst in him and never got spooked or walked away or thought he was too much to handle.
And he let her.
Maybe that was the reason why every detail lingered so heavy in the back of his mind, clawing at him to get it right. Yet, the doubtful, insecure part of him begged to differ all the same, almost overpowering the voice of reason, arguing that none of this was fair, that he should just forget about it, lock it away for good and throw the key.
Hailey had enough on her plate.
He didn't want to mess her up any further, even if all he really wanted was to give her everything. One side had to win the war – he had enough experience on the battlefield to know that simple truth. Which one was the only question, the only mystery he was still on his way to solving, one clue at a time. He always had the lead, he just needed to work the case.
Before he could contemplate upon his conflicting thoughts any longer, his growling stomach sprung him into action and effectively forced him to get his still achy bones out of his bed. Begrudgingly and still half-asleep, he spent the rest of his morning hours enjoying a strong coffee and a hearty breakfast – just not too hearty, he still had a tux to fit in.
He decided to go for the unshaven, but polished look at the same time – Kim teased him about his quote unquote sexy beard that would make all single women fall over themselves, if he were to present that way to her wedding. Kim had to be a tad biased on that subject since her soon-to-be husband was the embodiment of the phrase "bearded, gruff, mystery bad boy" or whatever cliché some women were apparently really into.
Nonetheless, maybe there was something he could use there, hidden just beneath the surface, coated in silly, light-hearted teasing.
He didn't want to admit that perhaps he took Kim's advice to heart because he hoped Hailey would like his unshaven look. She had fallen for Adam before..right?
What was he even doing, trying to emulate Ruzek? Of all people?
He sighed, as the heaviest puff of air left his chest. He ran a hand through his short hair, every gesture and expression he probably wore screaming frustration.
He was stooping really low, he remarked in his head bitterly, a bit amused and slightly self-depreciating at the same time, dropping his coffee cup on the kitchen table, a bit louder than he intended. No harm meant to Ruzek – he had grown into quite an admirable man from the irresponsible, reckless player and brash police officer he knew of before.
But it wasn't like Jay to compare himself to other men when trying to win someone over. And he was doing it now, apparently losing.
By this point, he knew he had to start getting ready for real or he'll over-think himself into oblivion. Aiming to achieve just that, feeling the clock ticking against him, Jay spent the rest of his day preparing - mentally and physically - for what was about to come.
The routine he stuck to religiously started with showering then styling his hair just a little, checking on his black tuxedo for the millionth time to make sure it was ironed to perfection, ending in hopeless attempts at calming down his ragged breathing each step of the way.
His efforts were futile - he pictured Hailey in a million outfits and each of them took his breath away. That had to be the reason why he couldn't get that damn knot right for his stupid tie. Why did he insist on wearing that thing, again?
Oh, right. Like everything this new, organized version of Jay Halstead did, even that small, seemingly random detail had a purpose. A noble, heartwarming purpose.
Taking his task of giving Hailey a day she'd remember very seriously, Jay had planned on completing his black tux with a simple, fitted formal white shirt and an elegant, light peach tie.
He could tease Ruzek about it all day long but he never said anything about not wearing peach himself. Hailey should love that – if it brought even the slightest trace of a smile on her face, he'd deal with the irony and verbal punches, no complaints. Plus, he could pull that look better than Ruz in his sleep.
By now, it was almost time to pick Hailey up. Despite it still being rather early, he decided to leave the house and drive nonetheless, slowly, hoping it would calm his nerves even a little. His clammy hands on the steering wheel begged to differ.
He really did feel like a teenager. If this wasn't happening to him, he'd tease the hell out of that poor sucker tormenting himself right now. As he knocked on Hailey's door, hesitantly, clutching the bouquet of white roses a little too close to his chest, he mentally prepared himself to see her.
But whatever pep talk he had in mind that he might have also rehearsed unconsciously on his way here couldn't have prepared him for..
That.
"Oh, hey Jay, you're early." – a chirpy Hailey greeted him at the door, stopping him dead in his tracks and knocking every last bit of air in his lungs on the spot. "I woke up like this, by the way." – she pointed to herself, feigning arrogance yet still coming across as self-conscious.
He would have laughed at her attempt at teasing and lifting the unspoken tension suddenly lingering in the air and on every corner, had he owned a functional voice. His throat unexpectedly felt like sandpaper – if Hailey noticed him gawking like an idiot or failing to reply, she didn't say a thing.
"You look…" – she paused, gathering her thoughts like she suddenly had too many all at once, fighting for dominance, and he could have sworn he saw a touch of something in her eyes, as her gaze more or less subtly scanned him from head to toe. "Human. Can't pull the zombie look, sorry. Come on in." – the blonde offered, faltering just a little and making enough space for her partner to pass her by and walk in.
Jay barely nodded to all of the above, still staring, almost enchanted. He couldn't help it. And maybe, just maybe, he wasn't the only one this time around.
Because, as he made his way inside, their arms brushed just a little and that jolt of electricity almost made Hailey forget her own name or even that she was on the verge of saying something, yet again. She had to talk to fill the silence or it would drive her crazy with everything she still couldn't speak of – longing, want, an ache stronger than she ever remembered feeling for anyone else.
So, she did just that. She cleared her throat, awkwardly, urging the choked words to come out, before speaking again, much too quickly, allowing a hint of nervousness and sheer honesty to slip past her lips. No trace of humor, just gratitude this time around.
"You shouldn't have, honestly. They're beautiful, Jay, thanks." – she gushed, appreciatively, taking the flowers her partner so thoughtfully brought from his slightly shaky grasp, putting them in a vase on her kitchen counter.
She apparently missed the obvious way a certain pair of eyes traced her every movement – or maybe didn't but chose to keep quiet about it. Jay really hoped for the former.
He really wanted to smack himself over the head once more – maybe spending a little more time practicing self-control and subtlety and less choosing that goddamn tie would've been a wiser course of action.
Another brush of hands ensued but, this time, Hailey maintained her composure and just smiled, as a cheeky grin greeted her back.
You're beautiful.
…is what he really wanted to say.
"No need to thank me. And you clean up pretty nice yourself, Robbery Homicide."
Instead, the first words that flew out of his mouth were the complete opposite of that. All he could go for on impulse was banter, like a security blanket. He was acting like a mean boy who pulled on the pretty girl's pigtails because he liked her instead of the goddamn grown up he was supposed to be.
"It's Intelligence Unit now. Cut a girl some slack."
He could have punched himself square in the face right there for that moment of weakness and immaturity, if he wasn't too busy still tracing every contour of Hailey's frame like she hung the moon.
But who wouldn't?
The blonde detective was wearing an elegant, knee-length blue dress bringing out the vibrant color of her eyes, eyes studying him so intently now like they knew every carefully hidden secret, every thought lingering just beneath the surface of those familiar, swirling shades of damaged blue. From the way she was suddenly peering into his soul, it almost appeared that Hailey knew, even without him saying a single word.
Their eyes did most of the talking, anyway.
He found himself gulping nervously as the possibility entered his mind – a single second reaction, before his mask slipped back on again. The thought made him apprehensive and a bit scared too. That, coupled with the way said dress from before hugged her curves perfectly, completed by gentle, flawlessly styled wavy locks - a stark contrast to the usual, untamed, messy ones she liked to sport - nearly erased all words in his vocabulary.
He only stopped his shameless, enthralled watching and promptly returned to the realm of the living when the same lips he was unconsciously inching closer to with his own gaze turned upwards into a bashful smirk, signaling an anticipated change of topic.
"Peach?" – she asked, that mischievous, teasing glint in her eye betraying all the smartass comments she probably had lingering on her lips, despite not verbalizing a single one.
"What? I was feeling peachy." – he sent a heart-melting, even wider than before grin in lieu of response and she couldn't help but mirror his gesture, instinctively.
It was a genuine smile – he could tell. Round one goes to Jay Halstead.
If he could make that happen for the rest of the night, lift even a tenth of the burden he still felt her carrying quietly, almost modestly despite the evident hurt still present in her eyes, he'd die a happy man.
"Shall we?" – he proposed, extending his arm like a faux fairytale lord.
This time, Hailey answered with an unintended, but honest fit of heartfelt laughter. Her partner was a grown man and a man-child at the same time. As fate would have it, she happened to be a sucker for both.
If anything, she was falling harder and harder for every side of Jay Halstead with each passing second, allowing that familiar current she had fought against so hard for years to finally subdue her. She was pretty sure she had begun to steadily lose that battle the day he got shot and she saw her own life ending right there.
It could have even been earlier, she wasn't sure. Maybe it all started when he trusted her the way no one else did, when he showed her support without expecting a single thing in return, when he said everything she needed to know without verbalizing a single word.
"Let's go, Mr. Cheery." – she replied, latching onto his arm tighter than she even realized.
She couldn't silence that hopeless romantic in her head screaming – "this is the hand you want to hold for the rest of your life."
God, if anyone could hear her being this cheesy and hopeless, she'd never hear the end of it.
"Uh-huh. Correction. " – Jay intervened, bringing her back from La-la land in a flash whilst maintaining the same cheeky smile and flirty tone from before. This time, he also lifted his index finger for emphasis. "It's Detective Cheery for you. Don't let this peasant tie fool you, I still demand to be addressed accordingly."
To any onlookers, the pair seemed to be soon-to-be newly-weds themselves, as they crossed the sidewalk to Jay's parked car on the other side a little too slowly to be just casual, leaning into each other a little too close to be just friends, purposely dragging each step and wearing twin, lovesick smiles as they did.
It was their way of prolonging the sudden magic of the moment, blissfully unaware of their own actions.
"My lady." – Jay said, opening the door for his partner with dramatic, exaggerated gestures like the gentleman he was. And he really was one – even with the faux bravado aside.
"Thank you." – she answered, biting her bottom lip, quietly getting into the car and retreating into her own mind yet again. She wanted to go for something lighter like "Weddings make you weird, Jay." but something inside her simply wouldn't let her.
She knew what he was trying to do – cheer her up because she was still a gloomy, preoccupied mess. She didn't think it was possible to love him even more than she already did but, judging by the way her heart thumped even louder than before, maybe it was entirely conceivable.
Even though they were both in a confined space yet again, the silence echoing back didn't feel tension-ridden at all, instead engulfing them in familiarity and closeness – things they had both been craving for years and not even realizing just how much.
Jay drove, softly and absentmindedly humming along to an old rock song playing on the radio, earning another genuine smile from his companion, lingering onto his profile a little too long to be just friendly.
She didn't have the heart to stop him – she loved seeing him so carefree like that, knowing of his inner demons better than anyone else. That, and the sound of his voice made her feel at peace, for lack of a better term. It was the most at ease she's felt in a really, really long time.
It was about at this precise moment that she started steadily running out of excuses for the way her heart ached when Jay sung a particularly high off-key note with the mannerisms of an opera singer, making eye-contact with her not a breath later, as if silently begging for praise and approval.
Like the man-child he was.
Jay was collecting smiles from her like it was his life's mission - and she couldn't shake any of them off no matter how hard she tried – and she really bloody did.
Maybe allowing someone in wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Maybe she wasn't unfixable, despite everything her father told her and did to her, despite the longest string of missed chances and half-relationships and half-everythings she's had in life.
She wanted so badly to believe that was the case but her mind was still stuck in the land of possibility, rather than certainty, her fears still dared to overpower everything else - a harsh contrast to the fearless, daring, courageous woman she displayed in the line of duty for the entire world to see, from the offenders to her own team.
Right now, however, she felt like the world's biggest coward.
She wasn't brave enough and maybe she'd never be. But something about the way Jay was looking at her now made that knowledge harder to live with than ever before.
It almost made her want to be fixed.
If anyone was the man for the job, every impulse in her mind, body and soul unanimously chanted Jay Halstead's name, like a mantra.
But if that was the case, why did the words get stuck in her throat for the millionth time? If she had made progress, why couldn't she move closer to him, why was she still playing with her hands on her lap to stop them from instinctively reaching to hold his?
Why did her entire body tremble when he placed his hand on the small of her back, leading her in and presenting her to the whole sea of chattering guests like he was introducing them to the 7th wonder of the world?
Why couldn't she just…say it?
She needed a drink. Or maybe twenty.