A/N: I'm a lying bastard. That is all. Now read this replacement chapter.
Disclaimer: I just realized I haven't added one of these yet. So anyway, I own nothing.
The Powers of Light… 2!
Chapter 1In Which Bowie Speaks
"Bowie! Get out of bed!"
He suddenly heard,
As a shrill voice hen-pecked him
During his dream of a flight-sim.
"You'll be late!" "Mother?"
"Get down here!" "Bother."
The beginning was markedly similar
To SF1, LOGI titular.
Bowie stood upon his bed, fully dressed.
He fell down the stairs, where his mother possessed
The dreaded Frying Pan of DOOM!
He gazed up sheepishly, and—KATHOOM.
He rolled out of the house
And into the town, where the people (no mice)
Treated him oddly. "You mischievous boy!"
"Get to school." "Shut UP, Roy!"
He stopped at the washbasin;
"MMM, soapy water left by the stonemasons!
Glug glug… Yechh! That's nasty!"
Our hero's not very smart, is he?
Eventually, he got to the school,
Pushed past that blue-haired girl
And reached his teacher
In the basement. Such an old creature.
"Ah, Bowie, there you are. You missed
Some high-quality weed last night," Astral hissed.
Bowie was used to this, and recited
The custom'ry reply, never slighted:
"What, Sir Astral? You know I don't use drugs!
That joint you found was made from puppy hugs!"
(Obviously, Astral was so high
That he accepted this without a fresh-baked pie).
"Well, I'll be up in a minute, lad."
He said unto the son of Bowie's dad.
But just as Bowie turned to leave,
"Hey, what was with that storm, old chief?"
"You didn't feel anything… eeeevil?
By any chance? No? Boll weevil."
Bowie ran away into the classroom.
He ran straight into Sarah, who tossed him into a spittoon.
Emerging miraculously clean,
(though with an odd shiny sheen)
Bowie sat down at his desk.
Sir Astral hurried up.
"Hi all! I guess it's a school day, eh?
Wheeeeeeee! Ughh… meh…
Where the hell is Jaha?
Moron's still asleep blahblahblahblahblah…"
Bowie really didn't care at this point;
He stopped listening and started girding his loins
To look lasciviously at Sarah's front
And withstand the inevitable punch to the gut.
Bowie was having a good time;
His eyes rolled back and he started drooling on limes;
Astral took note of this and followed Bowie's gaze;
"Hey Bowie, what are you Ooooohhhhh…." he said, falling into a haze.
Chester looked too, but had no interest in such things;
Rather, he fell asleep and let his eardrums ring.
Sarah wondered why the lesson had just stopped;
Then she saw the drool puddle. Chester's eardrums popped.
Astral and Bowie were both knocked out.
They woke up at the same time with the shout
Of the holy word "breasts!"
Sarah punched them more, not less.
Astral almost got to continue the lesson,
But then a soldier ran in, stabbed everyone (as is the wont of his profession)
And clubbed Astral. "Yarr. You're coming to the castle,
Ya old coot alligator wrastler."
Perplexed by the soldier's strange pirateyness,
Astral didn't resist the urges he felt inside that heart of his.
The king's in deep trouble if Private Pirate
Was sent out… hehe, Pirate.
Bowie and crew were roused
While Astral was dragged out. He winked, and mouthed
The words "Follow me, you miserable…"Oooh.
I don't think we can say that in a Sega game. Darn you Bowie.
Sarah caught on and said, "Woooo!
Let's go to the castle! Alright! Woooo!"
Bowie just stared at her and moved on.
"You'll get to see the princess! Alright! Wooo!"
Bowie thought some perverted thoughts and nodded a yes;
Chester followed suit but with thinking less.
They all ran off, snuck behind the trees,
And reached the castle gates in peace.
"Be very, very quiet…" Chester muttered.
"The faithful guards sleep hard, but still, don't talk, right? Or we'll be scuppered."
Bowie nodded again, and looked at Sarah droolingly.
"WOOO! ALRIGHT! WOOOOO! QUIET YAY QUIET CAPTAIN!" she said jovially.
The guards woke up, of course;
No one can sleep that heav'ly; not even a horse.
"Now see here Missy Varmint,
Why you trying to get in here, damnit?"
"Like, WOOOO! ALRIGHT! THE CASTLE! Woooo…
And somesuch. Listen, chief, you let us in, and I'll—that's tiring, hoo—
(whisper whisper) you a (whisper)."
The guard was filled with emotion and looked for a vegetable crisper.
After all, it's not everyday a girl
Threatens to give you a knife in the gullet, complete with a twirl.
The guards parted ways and the party went in
As the Fates forever all lives they spin.
Twas Bingo Night, and the guards were bored.
Granseal had run out of cows that roared.
"B-9!" screamed the caller-person, but no one cared.
They were all dead, with preprogrammed stares.
(Now some may argue, "Hey! What the hell?
They didn't die all from a pill!"
What hasn't been mentioned is that they're zombies,
Untellable from graphics 16-bit with Reese's.)
They, three total, reached the throne room.
But instead of the king, there was but a magic mushroom.
They ran away screaming, up a flight of stairs,
And found the king's bedroom, site of many state fairs.
"Mmm…hmmm…mmm…ohdearsweetlordyesthatfeelsgood…"
"Damnit dad! Wake up! This does NOT fit the mood
Of a kids' game!" This be Elis, High Ditz
And main reason for calling it quits.
"Astral! Is he dead yet?" cried the Minister,
Thinking as he went: Please let her
Catch this too… kill the king and the princess
And I'm gold! Whoops, gotta rhyme. Ummm…breasts!
"Hmmm. Nothing's wrong with him physically, but…"
"He's suffering badly from something! Cut
Him open and accidentally kill him already!
I mean, operate and keep a hand steady!"
"Perhaps it might be… well…
Did you leave him to violently die, sell
Him out to an ugly green devil-thing named Geshp?
I'm just asking. You could've stabbed him yourself for less."
The Minister was silent. Damn, how did he know?
It's like my plan was being narrated from above by a magical talking hoe.
"You do realize you're just talking in italics?
I can hear you before you bash me with mallets."
"Hey, Bowie, how'd you get here?
Were you list'ning to the Min'ster's plan, merely
Nefarious in its sheer unoriginality?
Don't we all deal with a Devil for immortality?"
"Hey, I just want to be king… Whoops.
Now I will look away while my eyebrow droops.
So anyway, Astral, who are these people?
Will anyone notice if I hang them in the church steeple?"
"Mumble. Well. They are kind of my students…
And Bowie's a hero of minimal affluence…
But he's a kid. You can buy him off with ten bucks.
And the rest, well, depends how cheap you are. Buy Ford trucks."
"Well," said the Minister, "These kids look cheap.
Now run off to your deaths… I mean glory… without a peep.
That is the special reason you brought them here,
Isn't that right, Astral, you frail old seer?"
"You're getting ahead, Minister Mutiny.
Alliteration is awesome, artful, and angsty.
Anyway, I'm going to blame the king's flu
On the Tower's opening and a girl named Peggy Sue."
"Now come, kiddies," Astral said with a glare,
"Learn to serve your king by dying painfully, without gray hair
Remember, if there is danger, rush into it headlong.
I'll wait at the back, ready to run."
Astral ran ahead of the rest of them
So he could act annoyed when they caught up to him.
He also told the guard to stand in the way
And harass the three so that he could get more pay.
After killing the guard for being worthless and dumb,
The three ran to an accountant so as to see the sum
Of the experience they had gained. Unfortunately,
There was none. Friendly fire is a deduction, you see.
In disappointment, they took the accountant behind
The Tower, where no one could see them, and his limbs did bind.
His body would have been discovered
If not for the major plot event; that and it never hovered.
Along the way, they found an ugly grey rock;
"What is this?" they wondered, knitting socks.
Shrugging, they kept it in the inventory.
Who knew. They could throw it at somebody.
Eventually coming round to the door,
They wandered through it, looking for more
Grey rocks for use as projectile weapons.
Unfortunately all they found was an old Gandalf wannabe and some German Shepherds.
"Bowie! You're slow!
Get over here! There's no lawn to mow,
So just pretend to do something, alright?
And remember, out of mind, out of sight.
This place makes me feel quite strange…
Either that or the Thai food. Damn chicken free-range.
Holy crapstick! I've seen this symbol before!
It's the crest of Bel-Frank, the Satanic Dinosaur!"
"What's going on?" Chester moaned
"Look! Look over there! What the hump—" Sarah droned,
"What the hump is that thing!"
"An evil Gizmo. It wants to possess the king."
"Wow, Astral, you know everything!" she said
Her eyes filled with wonder and his with dread.
"Can you tell me which phone company saves me the most money?"
"That's not even possible. Just make sure the eggs aren't runny."
"A-hem. I'm here!" yelled the gizmo, "I've appeared!
Acknowledge my bloody existence, would you dears?"
"Ah, right," Astral replied, "Ahem. 'You're here to possess the king,
Ar-en't you? Foul demon! YOU! SHALL NOT PASS!'
Bowie, beat the smoke out of this upstart."
"Don't you mean these?" Bowie replied in fear and burnheart.
"POPPYCOCK! There's only one! Can't you count?!
Ohshit. Asexual reproduction. We're humped. Up mount!"
There were suddenly six more Evil Gizmos!
Horror of horrors! Our heroes are all gonna die before it even snows!
Gizmos are cruel! Wretched! They step on your toes!
It's a fate worse than death (it really does blow)!
Bowie and the gang took the challenge head on!
Even though they only had dull, wooden weapons
And were fighting sentient clouds of smoke,
They charged out and started swinging… at art baroque.
Somehow, the monsters self-destructed.
Bowie and crew went back to Special Ed
And got some experience.
Astral wasn't looking, so they could claim it as their awesomeness.
Special Ed was level two million.
He had three hit points,
But he was level two million.
He was the designated punching bag of bouillon.
Special Ed had a very low threshold of pain.
He screamed when you breathed on a stain.
He screamed when you looked at his veins.
He just plain screamed no matter what, but especially on 5th and Main.
But Special Ed was designated.
He couldn't back out, they said.
And even when he died (for it was inevitable)
They just revived him. So lovable.
Bowie walked up to Astral and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, we're done!" he said, "Hurry up, you're just getting older."
"What, you're alive? Oh well. There'll always be more.
So. What do you want to do with this devilish whore?
Oh bugger. It disappeared. I am SHOCKED."
"Hey look, there it is!" "Shut UP, Sarah, you silly crock!
I said it disappeared!" "…No, it's right there.
It's laughing at us." "Quiet, blue-hair!
Well, I suppose we'd better go exorcise the King."
So with that the group walked leisurely
Out of the Tower. They found the annoying guard
Asleep at his post, and put in him a glass shard.
In the castle, they were greeted with screams.
"A Devil has entered the King!" "I have fun dreams!"
"Abusive royal parent! Read all about it!"
Kicking the paperboy, they ran to Bedroom Ditz.
"RAWR," said the king, "I'm psycho! Possessed!
Fear my awesomeness, brief mortals and tiny hostess!"
"No way," said Astral, failing to be awesome,
"I'm way cooler than you! Oh! Heartburn!" He took some Tums.
"YARR YOUR MOTHER DARNS SOCKS IN HELL!!!
BLARG BUMBLE CHEESEY BREADSTICKS SALE!"
"Oh. Really," said Astral, "FIREBALL!
Yay exorcisms! Ah. He dodged. Let's talk to a wall."
The dodging happened time and again,
Until finally… It didn't.
The king lay prostrate, unconscious,
And the Gizmo flew out.
"Whoa…" moaned the King,
"Bad trip. And I've got a killer headache. Minister, sing!"
Grumbling, the Minister sang (if it could be called that;
It was rather monotone and flat).
"Yaaa! We must kill the evil Gizmo!
Otherwise it'll possess King Galam in Bismuth!
YAAAA!" Astral screamed a primal cry
While applying war paint liberally.
"…Huh?" replied the king, "What the hell?
Astral, are you high? But wait, I was supposed to sell
Your weed! Blast! You stole my product! You're fired!"
Astral passed out. He was awfully tired.
Several hours later, in the Great Hall…
"So, OK. You know why I've summoned you all.
Your mission is to go upstairs and kill
Astral and the King. I mean, the Gizmo Bill."
"So we just sneak upstairs, get behind them,
And cut their throats open? What about the blood, then?
What the hell are we going to do about the blood?"
"Screw the blood! Just kill'em! And get me the crown of mud!"
"Aye, sir! Let's go men! You wanna be a Granseal Ranger!
You wanna live a life of danger!
You don't wanna get raped by strangers!
Put some life into it, ya bastards!"
"Yes, yes, yes! He's still asleep! I like pie!
Just linger in the coma awhile and die!
Hmmm… the King is looking after him.
I must make Astral die. Then Minister Tim—"
The Minister was cut off. He noticed
The kids, who were crying quietly. He threw a shoe. It missed.
One of them mumbled something: "Is he gonna live?"
Then another sobbed, "I don't think we're in his will…"
"He just fainted because he needs to die—
I mean, because he was tired. Yeah, that's right.
Don't worry, kiddies, if he dies, it's okay.
That's one less obstacle to me… I mean, he was old anyway."
"Oh Minister! Are you the-ere?"
The Minister became vibrant, and tried to comb his hair.
"Is he dead? Is he dead? Please tell me he's dead!
Please tell me you killed him, he's dead!"
"Um. What?" was the king's confused reply,
"Astral's awake, anyway. Are the Rangers gone as well as spry?"
"Yup."
"…Crap.
Astral feels something bad is coming.
Something very bad.
Something evil.
Basically, we're screwed.
We have to study our history.
Those who don't know their history
Are bound to repeat it.
And repetition of evil is, you know, not a good thing.
You see, there's this guy named Hawel,
He's northwest of Yeel.
He thinks he's a fluffy towel,
But we need him, so let him be, even if he smells foul."
"My king, I have an excellent idea…"
The Minister said,
Giving our heroes an evil look and a used banana peel.
"Why don't we send these young'uns on ahead?"
"Kids!" the Minister shouted.
"You're going to Yeel!
It should be fairly easy, but try to die.
Do you understand me?"
Bowie shook his head in amazement
"You're crazy.
You want me to die?
I'm, what, ten? I want a pie!"
"YOU DAREST REFUSE MY—
er, the King's ORDERS TO HOLD OUT FOR A MERE PIE?
TRY AGAIN."
"Mmm, I'm still going with no."
"…Come here, boy," said the Minister,
"I have an idea.
I shall give you something no man can resist…"
"…Hell yeah! We're going to Yeel!"
The trio departed the castle,
Leaving the leaders behind.
Now the King was curious.
"What'd you give him, anyway, fo'serious?"
"Like I said, something no man can resist…"
"Volcanon! You gave him my missing…
Collection?" "What? No!
Get your mind out of the gutter!"
"I gave him a biscuit!
A lovely biscuit!
A biscuit so warm and delicious!
It was made of dough and… other stuff! And it was good!"
"Come on, gang!" Bowie cried,
"We're going to Yeel! I get a cookie!!! Though no pie…"
Sarah was shocked. "Wait, what?
One cookie? Think of your friends, you selfish bastard!"
The two bickered the rest of the way;
Chester took no interest, simply chewing his hay.
At the gates, Jaha jumped out from a bush.
"Hey," he said, "'Sup."
"I heard you guys got to beat up Special Ed.
Why didn't you wake me up? Not like I was dead!
You know how much I like his squeals!
Especially when I take an axe-blunt to his toy truck wheels!"
"Wow, word travels fast," Sarah commented.
"Shut up! We beat up some Gizmos! Gizmos, I say! You're demented!
Definitely not Special Ed!" insisted Bowie,
Nervousness as apparent as a dead monkey on a stick shaped like a key.
"Well, whatever. I hear you're going on
A certain-death-mission.
Now, certain-death-missions generally involve lots of sex,
And I'm bored. Where're we going, anyway?"
"It's off to Yeel for us brave adventurers.
Though we may ne'er return in one piece, good sir,
We will fight! Fight! Fight! For Granseal!"
"Dude, Bowie, we're just kidnapping an old man. And he might over-keel."
"Chester, will you let me dramatize as I see fit?
I'm the hero, you know. You're a cinter with nits."
Now "cinter" is a terrible racial slur.
I think you can see where this is going. Brr.
Chester stomped the ground.
His nostrils ballooned.
His eyes started glowing.
Glowing, I tell you, glowing! That is not normal!
Chester charged, screaming his war cry,
(which went something like "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiii!)
and attacked Bowie with his stick.
Bowie parried, but the impact was so great and full of trick…
Both the sword and the stick exploded.
Chester and Bowie were both thrown back and quickly the ground eroded.
When they came to, they were in the shop.
"Sooo… kiddies… want any candy? Maybe a lollipop?"
Bowie screamed, and clutched the nearest thing.
He and Chester had each other in a deathly ring.
The bearded shopkeeper stared at them expectantly, so
They squeaked out, "Sword and a lance, please… d'oh!"
The shopkeeper leaned a little closer.
"Sure, mate… but it'll cost ya…" With a whir
The shop counter revolved to reveal rows upon rows
Of illegal weapons, and at those prices a steal for the Average Joe!
There were "Guard-Killer" Teflon coated swords;
Nine-millimeter Uzi lances with attachable safety cords;
Wicked-looking sniper arrows;
And some wooden rods, too.
"Whoa…" was all they could manage.
"Well then," said the Keeper, whose skin was very tannish,
"One 'Guard-Killer' and one Uzi,
Is that right, (hmm, what're their names…) Suzy?"
"Um, yeah, sure," said they, taking it all in stride.
"Now then, the extended warranty…" Keeper lied,
"The extended warranty guaranteeing full money back
Should you lose any body parts or your life. One hundred coins on pain of attack."
Bowie screamed and kicked the man in the face.
Then, taking the weapons and warranty and declaring a race,
He chopped open the door with Chester right behind.
The Keeper screamed after them, "Thee I shall stalk and find!"
Outside they found Sarah and Jaha
Smokin' a bit o' weed and laughing: "Haha!
You're so short! It's hilarious! I'm not even high!
That was a dandelion I just lit on fire!"
Bowie tapped his foot a bit.
"Ready to go, then?" hoping they would get the hint.
"Where're we going?" "…Disneyland."
"Ooooh! Really? Space Mountain!"
So off they went, Sarah and Jaha thinking
That they were off to see Binky
At the happiest place on Grans;
Maybe they would also get some flan.
On the way, they encountered some
Rats and… oozy… things… which were rather glum.
They didn't feel that the stereotype of their villainy
Was justified, and so they said in dreadful soliloquy.
Chester gave the "monsters" the number of
His anger management therapist. Subsequent love
Drove the monsters away. Honestly, aside from a really tiny bug,
I don't think anyone can withstand a group hug.
They moved on. In the center of Yeel
Was a vegetarian diner which, perplexingly, served veal.
Sarah (with her sudden vegan diet) was convinced
That since it was a vegetarian restaurant, it wasn't a sin.
In the diner, they encountered a man in a monkey suit.
They pointed and laughed,
But he held up a staff,
So they ran and hid behind a tree root.
Rather stupid of them, actually.
Trees are flammable, see,
And this was Kazin, "Master" of Blaze.
Oh, they could have used a maze…
Well. Actually. It wasn't too bad.
Kazin only knew how to start a fire (sadly)
By striking a match and throwing it.
His magic skills could have used some work. Just a bit.
After some evil snickering on Kazin's part,
The other's walked out and took a class in art.
When class got out, they all were suddenly friends.
Kazin would take them to Hawel, who followed all the latest trends.
However, on the way, they encountered more creatures.
Kazin said something about forgetting his matches at the movie features.
After he ran away, they attacked without quarter.
Honestly. Cheap bastards, a nickel per acre.
They didn't really attack.
They just ran around screaming.
The monsters were rather timid,
So they ran away.
Kazin came back from town ten minutes later,
Whistling and dancing along the equator.
He tried to chat up Sarah, regaling
Her with tales of how he vanquished all monsters remaining.
Sarah, of course, beat his skull in.
Then he fell on a misplaced shark's fin.
She healed him, as they needed some fire,
But he knew enough not to risk her ire.
As they reached Hawel's house,
Kazin told them to stay back as there was a mouse.
He tossed a match at the house, and it caught ablaze;
Even this did not him faze.
The Force didn't particularly notice the screams
Coming from the fire. They were eating ice cream.
Some Galam soldiers passing by heard and ran over,
Only to find Hawel burned and blackened (but sober).
Kazin and the others entered at this moment;
Stupidly, the soldiers ran away to eat cement.
Kazin cursed at them, but ran to his master.
"Hey! Are you dead yet, or do I, er, they, have to be more drastic?"
"Cough...Hack...Cough...Kazin...I...am dying...
Peter Piper picked a patch of pickled peppers while I was scrying…
Err. Rather. Don't open the tower... There's a Devil in there...
Keep your jewels safe beneath a goatee of hair..."
"Um. Great. You wanna die now, old man?" Kazin said.
"No... not really... in fact, I think I'm gonna make it! I'm not dead!"
Kazin was struck with fear. "What're you talking about?"
He lit a match and shoved it down Hawel's throat. Hawel died, without a doubt.
Actually, it was probably the gasoline he gargled every night.
It always used to give him quite a fright
When Kazin tried to send matches down his throat,
But, well, kid's do the darnedest things with a bag of oats.
"Bowie," Kazin turned and said,
"As you can see, Sir Hawel is dead.
Now obviously those Galam soldiers killed him.
They robbed him of all his vim!"
"Um." Bowie replied, "You do realize that we all saw you
Start the fire in the hut, and also put a match in him? You'll rue
The day you cause Bowie of Granseal the denial of a cookie
From the Minister! You had better be damned lucky!"
"Volcanon! You saw the whole thing, did you?
Well, I had better go with you to make sure that you
Don't talk. I wouldn't advise sleeping anytime soon.
I won't kill you, but I'll kill your raccoon."
"Vilest of villains! You wouldn't hurt Chester!"
Chester pawed the ground angrily, and his anger did fester.
"Oh, well," he continued, "I guess you can join.
Just don't expect a share of the kills or the coin."
With new friend in tow (of character dubious),
The group set out back to Mount Vesuvius.
However, after leaving Hawel's house,
They encountered more foes, with more muscles than Mighty Mouse.
They flexed! They dealt playing cards from decks!
Neighboring countries they annexed!
They lifted weights, fixed fireplace grates,
And had some good times with their mates!
They were the Galam Army, bodybuilders all;
Not one of them was unable to punch down a wall.
However, they weren't bright and were easily put under thrall;
That just goes to show you: don't get your soldiers from the mall.
"Why did you kill Sir Hawel?" cried Kazin, with eyes wild.
"Durwhat?" replied one flexer in a tone most mild.
"I saw you!" added Kazin, "You burned him from inside!"
Answéred the flexer: "I like steroids! And cherry pies!"
Continued Kazin: "Bowie! We must capture them so as to learn the truth!
Sing us a song as these are savage beasts, so music may them sooth."
"You're kidding, right?" said Bowie, "You know I can't sing at all."
"Now, Bowie, don't be bashful. Belt out your siren call!"
The leader of the bodybuilders approached from the back.
"Lissun up, yoo kids! Get in dis burlap sack
So's we can take ya back ta Galam widout causing any harm!
Den you'll ged some lemmin cookies made by my ma!"
Bowie and the gang continued to squabble,
Until a well-placed kick from Lemon caused them to hobble.
He, the bodybuilder leader, had grown quite frustrated and bored,
So he put them in the sack and tied it up with cord.
When next they awoke, they were in a cell.
Not a body cell, but a jail cell. The cell was hell.
It stank. It had mold. The allergens were coma-inducing.
And their cellmate Bubba looked at them strangely. It was hell.
Bowie was still asleep, so the others made conversation.
"What? But Granseal and Galam were "Special Friends!"
We had benefits, damnit! Benefits!
Why are they invading us? Or is this just bullshit?"
"It's true," said Bubba, "I'm a scholar. I told him
Granseal was our buddy. But no. He threw me in jail, the chimp."
The soldier in the other cell had a similar story to tell,
Which meant that it was the truth or a conspiracy... FROM HELL.
"Anyway," continued Bubba, "Someone clubbed the Seal!
It was meant to live forever, but never need a meal!
The Seal kept the Fish-Demons of WaterWorld out!
Now that it has been clubbed, the world is soused!"
"...How exactly does one go about 'clubbing the Seal?'"
Sarah asked, with suspicion replacing zeal.
"Well, you see, you take your club, and you raise it as high
As you possibly can. Then you bring it down really fast, maybe on rye.
...Chester, how do you know this?"
The centaur turned bright red.
"I don't get out much," he said,
"So I just go to the Caverns and hit stuff."
"Stuff? You mean like a Seal?
Did it grunt when you hit it? Did it look like an orange peel?
Was it a baby, but covered in dust?
If it were iron, would it have rust?"
"Erm. Maybe? I don't remember.
There were two shiny things in the center,
But they were stuck. Oh, and they had stuff written in flakes.
One said 'Jewel of Beer' and the other said 'Jewel of CAKE.'"
A rat stirred in the cell with the soldier and Sarah.
"Jewels? I've got jewels! Protect jewels... and hair...
Wait! They took my jewels! No! MY JEEEEEWWWWELLLLS!"
"Hey! Are you talking about some jewels?"
"What? Was I whispering in my sleep again?
I really have to stop doing that. Now gimme some Uncle Ben's
Rice. I'm hungry. Never said anything about any jewels.
'Specially not one's marked Beer and CAKE and Spools."
"Rat, do you realize that you've doomed us all?
You took the jewels! Now the world will fall!"
"Wait, seriously? ...Crap."
"No, I'm kidding, you poor stupid sap."
"Then what's the point of the jewels?"
Sarah inquired, "Really. Seems like only fools
Would put valuable stuff there ripe for the taking."
"That's because it's really ripe for the faking.
The jewels are there because they look pretty,"
Elaborated Bubba, with a slight grin,
"They're decoys. Thieves, like this moron sitting
Here, will take the jewels and not come close to the Seal's fin."
"So what's going on with Ground Seal?"
Sarah was getting frustrated. Turning on her heel,
She started to pace. Bubba grinned wider.
"Well, see, someone clubbed the Seal. Probably a writer.
You can't trust a writer. The conniving bastards
Will betray you at every turn. Only worse are their masters,
The dreaded publishers. Straight from hell, they are.
And you really can't trust them to drive a car.
Anyway. That's why all this has been going down.
Now I'm going to take a nap. By the way, don't unlock Moun."
Bubba collapsed and fell asleep on the floor of the cell.
"So someone clubbed the Seal..." muttered Chester as off went a bell.
The rat's rice was done. He popped open the microwave
And started eating. The group turned and waited for him to cave.
Finally, Chester broke the silence.
"Rat. Did you hear what you did? Or do we have to be violent?"
"What'd I do? Don't hurt me! I didn't mean it!" the rat yelled, cowering.
"You broke the seal by removing those jewels!" Chester lied, towering
Over the rat even though he was in the other cell.
"You have to make up for it! REPENT SINNER! OR BURN IN A THOUSAND HELLS!"
"OK! I'm repenting! I'll let you out! But I'm following you
Around at least to Granseal. And I will sue
If you abuse me. As sure as my name is Slade, I'm helping you!"
Chester grinned maniacally. This day Bowie would rue.
For getting them out of jail, Bowie would never
Be able to call him a "cinter" ever again. EVER.
Slade swiftly picked the locks and let everyone leave.
Oddly enough, Bubba and the soldier stayed there, peeved.
Slade took them through a secret passage
So as not to be caught with the masses.
Those dreadful common people, you know...
Honestly. They're all so grimy and low.
Through the kitchens they went, around the hallways
Until finally they encountered a balcony; a balcony with a maze.
This balcony was directly above the Great Hall of Galam.
And lo, King Galam was addressing the Guards of Lambs:
"As you all know, our messenger to Granseal died.
Unfortunately, he tried to eat my soul while trying to ride
A Ferris wheel, so I had to use my Demon Breath on him.
Now obviously, it was Granseal's fault! Them and the light! It was dim!
Normally, we would let this grievous offense
Go with no repercussions. But I'm bored and restless.
So we're going to invade. War is fun, anyway."
The Guards were obviously unnerved, but too lazy to say.
Naturally, some murmuring went on, but Lemon
Quieted it rather quickly. "Lissun, chaps -- Hey! Kevin!
Shuddup! Anyway. See dis old guy? He's da King.
An he'll kill yoo if yoo refoose. Now move out an sing!"
"We like war.
Killing people is fun.
We like war.
Wheeee!"
After this rather unenthusiastic marching song,
The Great Hall was deserted. Or was it? You'd be wrong
If you said yes. However, the remaining knight was
Apparently invisible to all but his cuz.
The Knight's cuz said to him, oddly unredneckedly,
"Wow.... You've got a nice... Jewel... Really…"
"Yeah. I know," the Knight replied, obliviously,
"The King gave it to me. Wanna see?
It's called the Jewel of Beer,
And it's very precious indeed.
It has such power that mere
Mortals cannot see.
The secret of the Jewel of Beer
Is that it can make things great.
It can turn anything you want,
Money, power, women... into beer. It's awesome."
While the Knight and his cuz chattered away,
Bowie and Slade snuck down the stairway.
They ran into a soldier who said he was Hal.
But he didn't open the pod bay.
Swiftly murdering Hal before he got too loud,
They ran past the security camera, which made a sound.
The sound alerted the Knight, and his non-stereotypical cuz.
They armed up and screamed with zeal, "Go watch Hot Fuzz!"
The battle was quick; the Force did prevail,
And would soon for Troy set sail.
Er. That's the wrong poem.
Soon the Force would return home.
Before the Knight died, Slade took his Jewel.
Turning the Knight into beer, despite his screams of, "You fool!"
Slade drank him down.
Slade's screams filled the castle with sound.
"Volcanon! That's light beer! What sick, twisted
Mind would come up with something like that? Assisted
Suicide is looking awfully good... Volcanondamnit!"
Sarah snickered and went back to reading Hamlet.
"I've got to find the other Jewel! That one
Has to be the good one." Slade said, making no fun.
Bowie cocked his head at this proclamation.
"How do you know that the other one is good? Maybe it's for decimation."
"The only thing decimating here is this light beer.
Anything is better than this, I fear.
Anyway, it's the Jewel of CAKE.
Please be warm and strawberry, then!
Anyway, Bowie, you can have this then.
I don't want it. Volcanon! The horror! Send
It away from me!" Slade collapsed in terror.
Bowie took the Jewel, taped it to his neck, and left it there.
"We won't lose this anytime soon!" he triumphantly said.
But soon he collapsed on a randomly appearing bed.
When he woke up, it was three seconds later.
The Jewel was fused to his neck like a rabbit's sister.
Bowie tried to pry it off with a crowbar
It wasn't coming off without his head or a katar
Attached to it. He shrugged and felt the other's pity.
Ah, well. At least it looked pretty.
Leaving the castle, they reached the town proper;
They were looking to buy some weapons of the highest caliber.
Walking straight past the shop that said "Weapons" on it,
They found a narrow path through the forest, set in just a bit.
At the end of the path, they saw a small boy.
Approaching him, they quietly said the secret phrase: "The soy
Raven sings at the Asian food sunset. You got the stuff?"
The kid was confused, but replied in a voice, very gruff:
"Yeah, I got the stuff. Yup... The stuff you ordered...
Uh-huh, that's the stuff." The Force stared at him expectantly.
"Um. I like trees! And...other plants, too.
...Please don't hurt me. I have saplings. Two!"
Bowie sighed and wandered away, the others tailing behind.
He entered the weapons shop with no peace of mind.
Inside was the stalkative Keeper.
"Hullo..." he said, his grin growing like a creeper.
"Now then, boy... we can discuss... payment..."
Bowie screamed and stabbed the Keeper through the gut.
The Keeper collapsed to the ground, rolled around, and at last lay still.
"It's over..." gasped Bowie, "I finally made the kill."
Reaching behind the counter, Bowie took Keeper's
Secret stash of extra-potent Medical Herb from beyond deeper
Waters. A hit of this grass would kick your ass.
And that's not all—it had zazz.
Bowie walked out of the shop and tossed the baggie
To Kazin. Kazin was in desperate need of more pot.
His stoner's grin was fading. If he wasn't stoned,
He might have to deal with life on his own.
The group, now with fresh drugs, set off from Galam.
However, upon leaving the walls of the compound,
They came across a camel. The camel
Alerted the troops left behind, the alarm to sound.
"Halt! How'd you get out? You're supposed to stay
In town until we've conquered Granseal for the day!"
"Er. King Galam wanted this... one thing... to win...
If you delay us more, he'll consider it a sin!"
"Well, if you've got a big package, I guess you can go...
Well. Nah. I had better take it. Soooo...
Why don't you just let me take your big package?
He'll get it soon enough. Ahuah, ahuah! Major hackage.
Hey! Wait a second! I put you in jail!
How'd you get out without the magic pail?
Ohhh, did King Galam release you to bring him the item?
That's probably it. Just don't fight him."
The sentries allowed them to pass without more fuss.
Twas good; if it came to a fight, their hair might be mussed.
In Granseal, they noticed the dead and the frightened.
Pausing to make fun of them, they laughed like the mighty.
Passing the pet store, they saw the empty cages.
And lo, a whimper! A giant mutant tortoise, fearing mages,
Was hiding in a tiny house.
It cooed when Bowie approached, but would not eat a mouse.
Bowie named the creature Bob, though it said its name was Kiwi;
He beat it with a stick until it agreed to Bob and then ate seaweed.
The tortoise followed them around until they reached the castle.
Once there, it became a feudalist and proclaimed itself a vassal.
Once in the castle, they heard sounds of battle.
Lemon, the Bodybuilder Leader, was fending off Astral
Atop the stairs. "Don't make me use dis!"
He cried, displaying his biceps.
"Really?" said Sir Astral, voice full of disappointment,
"That's it? No magical sword? No terrifying book of appointments?
Really, Lemon? You could do so much better. Come work for us. Please."
As he said this Astral kicked him in the testes.
A scream broke the silence of the Hall.
Twas Elis! Horror of horrors! Robert Duvall!
Astral raced after, dragging fetal Lemon,
Screaming, "You kids follow me! And remember to kill Kevin!"
When Bowie, groaning, headed for the stairs,
The Minister and King stopped him in mid-air.
"Hold on!" said the King, "I must be certain
My daughter is all right! King Galam has nefarious and evil curtains!"
"And I," the Minister began, "must make certain that
The High Ditz dies wearing her hat!
Er. That is, should she die.
I'm not gonna kill her or anything. I don't have shifty eyes!"
Taking this as all the evidence they needed
To prove the Minister's intentions were not greedy,
They allowed him to accompany,
Somehow not noticing his lack of a hat from on high.
They ran to the tower as fast as they could.
Lying in the doorstep was Lemon, near dead.
He spoke: "I shoulda lissuned ta yoo...
Dose steroids wuz demonic, frum J. Crew!
I noticed when I grew horns and da head uva sow.
Oh well. King Galam is inside da tower now…"
Lemon gasped, and gasped again.
"Quickly! Befo I sacrifice uh hen!"
Lemon appeared to have died, so they paid him no heed.
Making sure not to step over his body, they found some weed.
"This must be Galam's most nefarious plan!" Bowie declared,
"He plans to replace everyone's weed with this stuff! I suddenly care!
Reliable weed dealers are hard to come by!
If Galam gains a monopoly, then our business is fried!
We'll be forced to pay outrageous prices for even an ounce!
Vilest of villains! Your profits we shall trounce!"
Bowie suddenly wished he had not killed the Keeper of Weed.
True, he was slightly pedophilic a few times, but he had good Healing Seeds.
Now all of Grans would be under Galams heel!
Twas a truly gruesome fate. He craved some veal.
After traversing a lot of steps to reach the main room
Of the Ancient Tower, Bowie and friends encountered a broom,
Astral, and Galam the Demonic Dealer, who was holding Elis hostage
In an attempt to drive Granseal's drug trade out of the business' metaphorical bear cage.
"Astral, you're so persistent," Galam sighed,
"Why won't you just hand over your weed supplies?
If you do, I'll let her go."
"You lie! All legit weed dealers need a ho!
What do you intend to do with the weed anyway?"
"You haven't guessed? By gaining a monopoly
I shall take over the world! First Grans,
Then the mainland! And then... Rune's sands..."
Noticing the new arrivals, Galam for sanity did plead.
"King Granseal! Surely you value your weed
Less than your daughter's life?
Choose quickly, or she shall eat a knife."
Within King Granseal's mind, unused brain cells
(That is, all of them) were in the fires of a thousand Hells.
Do I save her, or do I smoke some pot?
Volcanon! Why must I choose?
While Granseal thought, Astral was busy preparing
A paralysis spell perfect for the daring
Plan he had in mind. It involved pinning down Galam
And running away amidst the bedlam.
However, Galam noticed this as well,
And prepared a spell himself inside a really big bell.
The two spells went off at once and paralyzed both mages.
Then a roast duck was prepared with rosemary and sage.
Galam was prepared for every contingency.
Realizing he couldn't move, he summoned Devils to kill the
Insane, foolish mortals attempting to stop his plan.
Why, he would be quite angry if he still had his glands.
Bowie and the gang fought long and hard
While the Minister and the King stood stock still and stared
At the battle, and the tiny tortoise terrifying the terrible Texan monsters.
When the enemies were destroyed, only Galam remained...
Galam was suddenly unparalyzed!
Horror of horrors! Bright, garish ties!
He grabbed Elis and shot out a flaming ball!
They dodged, but took a hard fall.
"What's in this Tower, Galam? Why's it important?
What could possibly be worth war with Granseal?
It's not the weed! You could do that from home!
You need the Tower for something, you lawn gnome!"
"You're right, Astral, as you normally are.
I'll give you a demonstration of the Tower's power!
Watch! I shall use this Jewel of CAKE to open
The EVIL WORLD! There your soul I will send!
If I send a soul into the EVIL WORLD,
I shall gain the ultimate prize!
Fertilizer! Fertilizer so precious that it will make anything grow
Bigger! Stronger! Twenty feet tall!
Imagine, Astral, a twenty foot marijuana plant!
It would revolutionize the industry! The slant
Of the sales graphs would be eighty-nine degrees!
Even you, of all people, this can see!"
As he spoke, a black abyss appeared behind his insane visage.
"Volcanon help us, that had better be a mirage,"
Bowie muttered fearfully.
Satan Is My Motor was all he could hear.
"Here they come now, Astral! Fear the wrath of the Devils!
Your soul shall make for a wonderful fertilizer for several
Plants!" Two light tubes descended from the gaping vacuum.
However, King Galam was about to learn to never assume...
The Tubes swallowed Galam and Elis both.
As the two started rising, Galam's pot garden began its growth.
He began to weep as he saw the twenty-foot plant.
If he were religious, he would have been sure to chant.
The Minister, meanwhile, was exceedingly happy;
Finally, the only heir was going to be
Dead! Now if the King would die, too...
"King Granseal, you're good at acrobatics, aren't you?"
The King for the first time felt overrated.
"Thirty years ago, maybe. I hope I haven't dated
Myself.... Bowie, you're young and annoying.
Would you like to die for your country?" he asked, with "patriotism" cloying.
They forcibly threw Bowie at the tubes.
He tore off Galam's Jewel of CAKE and various lubes,
And engaged in a vicious aerial fistfight.
Admittedly, it was more like one punch, but from far away... What a sight!
Even from her close perspective, Elis was mighty impressed.
"Whoa! He's so awesome! Like, sex!"
Bowie dropped off, not being into sluts.
He hit the ground hard, falling into ruts.
Galam screamed primally, now missing his beloved Jewel;
He and Elis fell into the abyss, a fate definitely most cruel.
With the closing of the gateway, the whole land began to quake.
Bowie ran forward to leave and stepped onto a rake.
The Minister and the King had to drag him and Astral out;
They knew that if they missed the title bout
They would regret it. Leaving the Tower,
Navigating the maze, they ate a lemon. It was sour.
When they reached the castle, it was still shaking.
Holes were appearing and no one was baking.
They reached the only door leading out to the town
And were greeted by soldiers, who soon fell down.
The soldiers fell down into a hole. A hole appeared behind
Our heroes as well. They were of the mind
That the gods must hate them, for this was too cruel.
However, there was an out, and that was through the school.
Wandering out of the school, they made their way to the piers.
The fishing boat was there, with all the town drinking beers.
They talked to the Captain, Keeper's twin brother,
And sailed away, away from the land of their mothers.
The entire town, castle included, fell into a giant chasm;
The earth opened up and swallowed it with one last spasm.
Only the Ancient Tower still remained.
It could never be destroyed. It was rather insane.
Out on the ocean, the leaders held conference.
They knew not where to go, so in deference
To the King, they asked him where to go.
Depressed and befuddled, he had answers none.
Finally, he sighed and gave up.
"Let's go to Parmecia... Volcanon knows we can't just sail
Around to some other part of Grans...
Onward! To the Mainland!"