Disclaimer: We, the authors three, have no claim or possession of the Sailor Moon series or its characters. Nor do we own the characters of Sailor Moon Abridged, for which some of the characteristics of the scouts are formed. After watching the series and the abridged version, we ended up with a dastardly plot and a slew of ideas that we wanted to write. Please enjoy them, and do not send nasty reviews to us—creative criticism is welcome, but flames are not!

2. Darien on the Rebound

Hey guys, it's your favorite blonde bitch, Mina. So, like, let's begin, and I'll try not to bore you with my random-assed teen lingo. Okay everyone, so when Darien got back, we had a major shit fest. I mean come on, his wife and one of her scouts just killed each other—so much for our plan that we had in place for the last four years. When he saw them, he shouted, "I knew that damn bitch would get herself killed! I mean come on, only Serena would be dumb enough to fight Mercury while she was drunk!"

"Well on the bright side," Lita replied, standing next to him, "at least you still have us to protect you."

"I'm fucked!"

"Don't you know it," replied Amara, grinning slyly at Lita.

All of a sudden, we saw this bright, shiny—OOH SHINY—uhh, sorry about that 20 minute lapse. There was this shiny thing, and it was like, on Malachite's face and I just had to find out where he got it! *giggle* Anyway, there was this shiny thing that floated down from the moon and landed next to the crystal. She picked up the crystal and looked at Serena sadly before turning to us. Oh, and we were surprised to find that it was Queen Serenity!

"I always knew I should have just let that stupid bitch die a thousand years ago!"

"It would have saved us a lot of… I mean…" Rae stopped herself and held up a beer, "…want a drink?"

"No thanks. I don't have a lot of time before I have to go, and there is the problem of two dead sailor scouts and a silver crystal that we need to protect the world." She rubbed her hand through her hair and pulled a pin out. It shone with the light of the…uh…oh yeah, moonbeams. Before we knew it, the crystal broke into sections and our power sticks were absorbed into the different lights. She sent the waves washing over us all, and a new power stick appeared in our hands. The rest of the crystal surrounded Serena and Mercury, locking them inside forever. Then, when she was done, Queen Serenity entrusted the safety of the world in the hands of the remaining scouts—provided that we could all work together—like, as if that would be hard, and then gave us a stoned smile. She ripped off her clothes and raced off toward the moon again, disappearing into the night while screaming about how wasted she and some college kid were going to get—as if she wasn't wasted already.

"Well damn," Lita replied, looking at the shiny green wand in her hand. The chip of the silver crystal was ringed with green. While I was distracted… for like three days… with my silver-to-orange shiny wand, somehow Lita got Darien pretty damn drunk… like more smashed than he was when Serena got him in bed. I mean, really, who would want to tap that?

Anyway, apparently she got him in bed and they did a bunch of snuggling. Oh, and they had sex too. They're louder than Rae and Jedite, and that's pretty damn loud! I mean, come on, I was pretty damn pissed that they were fucking in the next room and they couldn't like, keep it down! Malachite was totally tired of it, too, and we like, didn't do anything, like… we didn't even snuggle. I hope next time they do it in Darien's room. Seriously.

So, we were talking the next day at breakfast, and Lita had that "just fucked" look on her face, when something rumbled around us. A dark shadow loomed over the palace, and we ran outside to see what it was.

"Shit," it was the first time Michelle ever swore, so we knew that Amara must have been a woman that morning (A/N: in the manga, she is both a man and a woman, and we're pretty sure they weren't cousins…), meaning that she didn't get laid.

"You're right, that's one demented unicorn!" Amara replied, pulling out her wand and holding it up, "Silver Uranus Power!" We all transformed, and Darien turned himself into Tuxedo Mask. It was really cool to look at my amazing flowy ribbons, and play with the crescent necklace hanging down in front of my ribbon. Our necklaces each held a drop of silver crystal, and we looked seriously badass. I ran toward the monster, grabbing the crescent moon and pulling it up, shouting, "Venus Crystal Flash!"

"Jupiter Crystal Thunder Boom, bitches!"

"Mars Crystal Inferno!"

The unicorn fell backward, landing on its side and bleeding profusely. Really, our fights take such a short amount of time. Even sex takes longer than this shit. Then again, since we all knew it was coming, it managed to attack us and had to be stopped by Tuxedo Mask's blossomy rose piercing the unicorn's eye. It cried out, "Son of a bitch," and Uranus and Neptune decided to double-team it (get your mind out of the gutter—like, really).

"Uranus Crystal Shatterglass!"

"Neptune Crystal Flood!"

The unicorn dissolved into what it had been before it was corrupted, and a light pink flower floated onto the ground. "Thank you for rescuing me, sailor scouts," it said. We saw a bunch of glitter—which I tried really hard to catch—and we were like, floating in the air as the unicorn blessed us. With its mission accomplished, it disappeared into a rainbow, sending sparkles running through my hair and making me want to chase it.

"Well, I guess we have a new enemy," Tuxedo Mask sighed as Lita wrapped her arms around him and smiled happily.

"Yeah, but for now, let's party!" I began swirling around in my glitter-and-sparkle-covered hair and clothes, and the others managed to pull alcohol from somewhere inside their sailor uniforms. Everything was good in the world again, and nobody remembered Serena or that little blue-haired freak. Oh, and her boyfriend and Nephrite have been missing since that day… I wonder where they went.

Please review if you liked it, my little co-writers and I would really love to hear anything that you have to say (so long as it isn't a flame, because those are not good). We are working on the next chapter, but it's going to be an 'as-we-get-to-it' thing since we are all busy college students. Anyway, look for another chapter soon!