Disclaimer: I can't do this a-all on my-y-y own, no I know, I'm no SUPERMAN. And I'm no SCRUBS OWNER.

So, I decided to continue this fic. I'm not sure if I'll extend it past this because it seems a wee bit pointless, eh? Dunno. Check it out and see for yourself.

House of Your Own

I was sitting in the car. My hands were on the steering wheel, the key was ready to be turned. I sighed, suddenly feeling like a child with a broken toy. I couldn't turn the car on, I just couldn't do it.

My pager beeped. I ignored it and with a resolute jerk of my arm, started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot and towards the hospital. My eyes clouded a moment at a stoplight, but other that that, I managed to keep driving, a symphony of pager beeping in my head. I wished Dr. Cox hadn't called. I wished I hadn't opened my big mouth. That last thing I needed was his pity.

After all, how could he possibly know how it feels? He didn't want his children. Yes, it was all happy-go-lucky and dance with the butterflies now that he had them, but he didn't want those boys. He didn't deserve them.

I realized I was parked, and there were streams of tears running down my cheeks. No, he deserved them, and that's what made me even angrier. Was it because I wouldn't make a good father? Is that why our baby girl, whoever she was meant to be, died before she could breathe her first breath?

Her future, even now, was being plotted in my head. She was going to go to school with a pink lunchbox. I would help her out with all the bullies, tell her about how I was picked on, but in the end I was happier standing up for what was right. I would cry as she left for college and declare all boyfriends unworthy.

Now, selfishly enough, I was further upset about my mother's death. I couldn't come crying to her now. I couldn't cry to anybody. I was completely alone.

Turk and Carla had their own baby to deal with—Jordan and Dr. Cox had two. My brother always made things worse, my parents were dead, Elliot was…I couldn't do that to her, drop that kind of burden of information on her. I still cared about her as a friend. Besides, she and Keith were probably at it right now, making yet another baby that wouldn't be mine.

I opened the hospital doors. I couldn't remember walking up to them, but suddenly I was in the chaotic flurry of the nurses' station, grabbing my patients' charts.

"You're late," Lavern said accusingly, eyeing me through her glasses.

My throat was tight. I nodded. "Yeah."

Twenty years, it's breaking you down

Now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
You're falling apart and tearing at the seams

"…JD!"

My head snapped up. Oh. Elliot.

"Hey," I managed, my voice cracking. "How's it going?"

She frowned. "What, no strange, nonsensical JD-ism?"

What do you WANT from me? I wanted to scream. A freaking wind up doll with five thousand action phrases? My fury began to burn passionately, bubbling underneath the surface. Then it passed just as quickly as it came, and my shoulders slumped, ashamed. She didn't notice.

"Sorry," I said, wracking my head for something funny. But nothing was funny anymore. The fun had just been sucked right out of life.

Elliot cut me off in the hallway, forcing me to look her in the eye. "What's up with you? You look…depressed," she said, as if that couldn't possibly be the answer. "I've never seen you…"

"I'm just tired, that's all," I said, forcing a smile. My eyes watered again. I thought of Kim at the apartment, alone and probably as miserable as I was, her stomach empty and lifeless. I almost wished that the baby had never happed. But…I loved Kim. Even if the baby never happened, I loved Kim, and I was more than thankful to have her in my life.

But was it worth the price?

"If you're sure," Elliot said doubtfully.

We were in the line at the cafeteria. I had no idea how we had gotten there, except that my stomach seemed to be rising in my throat. I would never be hungry again, it seemed in that moment.

"Listen, I'll catch up with you later," I told her, willing my throat not to tighten again.

She nodded. "Go get some rest. Carla and Turk need you to baby sit tonight, anyway."

I froze. "Oh…I…I can't, Elliot. I really can't. This thing I have to…a dinner with my…" I fumbled. "My brother," I lied out of nowhere. "He's dropping by this week. Could you--?"

"I can't—I'm not good with kids--!"

I left before she could finish.

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

"Hey, Dan?"

"Hey, lil' bro!" Dan greeted me amiably, his voice crackly on the other end of the phone. "How's lil' bro junior?"

I took a deep breath. I couldn't flip out, he didn't know, he didn't know…I shuddered. At least my shift was over. I had to turn off my pager at one point because Dr. Cox kept on paging me, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Uh…" I couldn't think of the way to string the sentence together. Finally, I managed to squeak out, "Dead."

"Huh?"

He didn't hear me. How could he have? It was barely a whisper.

"Kim miscarried," I said, my voice breaking in an almost animal-like way. I ducked my head down, though who would see me now, sitting in the far reaches of the hospital parking lot?

"What?" he gasped.

He heard.

"It's not fair," I moaned, feeling like a little kid for the second time. It really wasn't fair, though. Life wasn't fair and all that crap, but this was just…cruel. To taunt someone with the idea of happiness, of a live being to protect and make your own, and then take it away in the flick of a hand—who was that malicious? Was it God? I didn't even know if I believed in God or not, I'd never been to church.

Maybe Turk would be able to explain. Maybe it was just plain unexplainable. Maybe I was meant to suffer.

"Okay…um…stay at the apartment, alright? Don't leave."

I nodded. Realized he couldn't see me. "Alright," I affirmed.

"I'll be right there."

He hung up. Dead air greeted me on the line, dead like everything else.

Everything, that was, except for Kim. Suddenly and intensely, I needed her, I needed to feel her and make sure she was solid and unchanging, that she couldn't leave. I needed to confirm her existence and hold her until there was no way she could disappear, no way she could slip between my fingers.

I drove out of the parking lot. I still had Kim.


It's on your face, is it on your mind
Would you care to build a house of your own?
How much longer, how long can you wait?
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away

My tears soaked the ink, making it illegible. It didn't matter. The words were already carved into my conscience.

I'm so sorry, JD. I just have to get out of here. I'll be back. Don't look for me. I love you. –Kim

I held the wadded, damp post-it note in my hand, sitting on the couch and watching the blank television screen. I wasn't angry with her. Who could be? She needed a release just as much as I did. I should leave, too. Get away from all of this madness. Leave the grief behind.

But I didn't want to leave it behind. Leaving it would mean forgetting what Kim and I had shared, forgetting the reason why I woke up every morning, forgetting my plan for the baby I'd thrown my whole heart towards. I couldn't leave the past behind me. I could never, ever forget.

I promised Dan anyway, and I wasn't about to break that promise. I didn't want him to worry. There was enough emotion today—no need to add to it.

"Hey…JD. I know you're home."

It was the message machine. In my daze, I hadn't even noticed it ringing. Now I could hear Dr. Cox's voice clear as day, with babies wailing in the background. My heart twanged at the sound.

"Look. I'm not…I'm not going to tell you that it'll be okay. It's not. I know." He cleared his throat. "But just…promise me you won't do anything stupid."

I scoffed. Stupid? I was the king of all things stupid, and Dr. Cox made that pretty evident every day of my life. I didn't want his sympathy. I didn't want him to call my house with advice; I didn't want attention for this. I just wanted to sulk and remember. It felt better than anything else.

What was he implying, anyway? That I'd be dumb enough to go off and kill myself? I wasn't the type. Surely Dr. Cox knew that by now.

He heaved a sigh on the message machine. "Promise me." The machine clicked, and the message was over.

I threw the wadded post-it note towards the wall. It didn't even make it far enough to hit, and fell noiselessly, like the tears on my cheeks.


Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

I stayed sitting there until I ran out of energy to cry. I'd never really cried before. I mean, before this baby happened. All of a sudden everything was life and death. A baby would be depending on me, and I kept screwing everything up. How could I be responsible for another human being when I could hardly keep my own life straight?

Then my mother died. I cried like hell. I can't remember ever being so upset, but it only got worse. All good things have to end eventually, right? At least that was how it went in my book. Now Kim was gone too. I was alone again.

I thought of Abby and Preston. Suddenly I wasn't tired anymore; if anything, I needed to get out of the apartment. I imagined that this was how Kim felt, but it was easy for her. She probably ran to her mother. I had nowhere to go.

So I walked. It was freezing cold out and starting to rain, but I didn't give a damn. Dan hadn't come like he said he would—he was probably raving drunk by now, and he would wake up in the morning thinking the whole miscarriage thing was a dream. It was one in the morning. He would have been here by now if he was going to come.

I walked until I reached the park by the hospital and saw the enormous tree in the middle. A couple of years ago, when it was all decked out with lights (they didn't do that anymore, because it was too expensive), a teenager gave birth to a baby here. I remembered that night, how I thought for a moment that I believed in miracles. That baby truly was a miracle. Why couldn't I ever have a miracle? Why couldn't I even catch a break?

I shook my head and kept walking aimlessly. Even though I didn't know where I was going, I led myself to my porch, sitting on the empty lot. Slowly, quietly, I walked the wet grass, soaking my feet, until I reached the porch bench. I sat down and closed my eyes. We were going to have a two bedroom house, I thought to myself. We never really discussed it, but we both knew, Kim and I. We would expand it later, if any more kids came along, but it wasn't an issue presently. We would have a blue kitchen. Kim liked blue. Maybe the baby's room would be yellow, because we didn't know the gender until the baby miscarried. We were going to have a living room with Kim's mom's old furniture, and Rowdy would sit in the corner so he could see the TV.

I was crying again. I immediately stopped. This was getting absurd—I had no right to be sissy about this. Women were sissy about things, not the men. Men were supposed to be strong and be there for the women. But what if the woman didn't want you anymore?

I knew that I was being rash. Of course Kim loved me. I would go after her now, too, but I knew her well enough to know that she only says what she means. She meant to be left alone until she was ready. She'd come back. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was whether or not I could go back.

No, I thought. I would come back. I'd face it. I had to. For Kim and for me, I had to move on.

Just not right now. For the moment, it felt good to sit in the freezing rain and let my limbs go numb with cold. I didn't want to feel anything anymore.


It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)

When I opened my eyes again, Kim was sitting next to me. It was almost like returning to the scene of the crime, the two of us sitting here together. Oddly enough, I wasn't surprised or bewildered at her sudden appearance. I hadn't even heard her coming up the walk.

"Hey," I said.

She didn't say anything, staring at her hands.

"You alright?" I put an arm around her. She felt hollow, like she wasn't there. I noticed that she wasn't wet, and I didn't see an umbrella. I brushed the thought off. It wasn't important.

She shook her head at me. I saw tears falling down her cheeks, their sheen exaggerated by the glow of the porch lamp. She must have turned it on, because moments ago it was dark. I smiled in spite of all the terrible things that had happened. We were together again.

"I missed you," I told her, squeezing her a bit tighter, trying to reaffirm her existence. It seemed as if she were light as a feather, empty. Like she wasn't there anymore.

We sat in silence for awhile. Crickets chirped in the backyard; I supposed there would have been a swing set there, maybe a sandbox. There still could be, of course. Suddenly the world felt a bit more bearable, knowing I wasn't alone in my pain.

"Hey," I said again, nudging her. Couldn't she at least say hello?

Her head lolled onto my shoulder. It didn't feel right. I stiffened, leaning further back onto the chair. She fell into a heap on my lap. I nearly jumped, startled by the instantaneous change in tone of my atmosphere; what was happy was now frightening and wrong. I lifted her head.

Her eyes were sunken in. Lifeless. Dead.

"No," I whispered. I couldn't even feel her weight on my lap anymore. All I could focus on were here dangling limbs, her cascading hair partially covering her face. I couldn't breathe. I could feel my heart beat in my throat.

"JD."

My head was shaking. "No…"

"JD! What the hell--?"

My shoulders were being shaken back and forth. Kim's form dissolved—I reached out, tried to keep her with me, but she disappeared. "No!" I yelled desperately.

My eyes opened. It was dark again. The porch lamp was off, as it had been before she…

"She's dead," I moaned.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I gasped, realizing that I was looking right in the face of none other than Dr. Cox.

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

I swiped at my eyes, getting rid of the tears. It was just a dream. She wasn't really dead. My heart ached, though—I needed to feel her, I needed to at least hear her voice, make sure she was there…Why was she doing this? How much longer until the pain would finally end?

"How did you…? What—" I stammered.

"I figured you'd be here because…" he let the sentence trail off. We both knew why. Because I'd owned this pitifully empty plot of land for years, and it was finally going to become something. I was finally going to become something.

I nodded. "Sorry." I meant to apologize for freaking him out with the yelling, but he didn't seem to hear me. He was too busy trying to figure out what to say.

Dr. Cox sat down next to me after a moment. "JD…I can't even pretend to know what you're going through, but what would possibly possess you to freeze to death on an open porch with nothing but a t-shirt and jeans?"

"You'd do worse," I reminded him, scoffing despite myself.

"That's fair," he admitted, not getting angry with me for once. He looked tired. Those boys must have been driving him nuts. "You know, I thought I didn't want this baby. You were the one who convinced me otherwise. It isn't fair, and I know you're probably thinking that, because it's true."

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to admit it.

"But you know what, JD? Even if this didn't work out…don't think that it doesn't mean you aren't meant to be a dad. I know you are. Everyone in that damn hospital knows. You can't take this to heart…you have to fight it."

"Kim's gone," I said quietly.

He let out of breath of air. "Where?"

I shook my head. "Don't know. She told me not to find her, but I know she'll come back. She has to." I need her, I meant to say, but I couldn't. It would make it too real. "I just…that baby…was the reason why I woke up in the morning. We threw our whole lives into it. She was going to be wonderful."

"She?"

"It was a girl. We found out…after…"

"Oh." Dr. Cox stood up. "Listen. Why don't I drive you home, and I'll call work for you and get you a couple days off. You could use them."

I smiled wearily. "Thank you, but I'd rather just keep going with my life," I said. "I'm trying to forget."

He nodded. "I understand."

We walked towards his car.

"But you know what, kid?" He turned around and looked at me. "Someday this pain will be over. Someday you'll be happy again, and you'll have kids of your own or whatever the hell it is you want to do with your life. But you will never forget."


Out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one

The phone was ringing when Dr. Cox dropped me off. I answered it immediately.

"JD?" Her voice was tentative. Afraid.

"Kim," I gasped. "Where are you?"

"I'm coming home," she said. "I'm coming back."

I smiled. "I've missed you."

"I can't live without you, JD…I love you."

"I love you, too," I said. More than she would ever know.

But Dr. Cox was right. We would never forget.

Sooooo who else bought season 4?? It's out now, as of the tenth! I've only seen a few season four eppies, so I'm excited to fill in the gaps. I haven't seen My Cake yet, and I heard wonderfulistic things of it. I just can't watch it till after my homework/xc meet/shift at work/voice lesson. On second thought, put homework on the bottom of that list. Lol. YAY PROCRASTINATION!

BEWARE, 'TIS FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!