Hello all! Welcome back to the mix tape! :D

Funny story- I just got off work and I was ready to go to bed when this song popped into my head. This song has always been near and dear to me since I first saw it in the movie, "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" which is an EXCELLENT movie that I just love. The lyrics sort of... CLICKED with me and all of a sudden I was at my computer writing a story that I could hardly contain more or less wait until after work tomorrow to write.

So here it is! Hope you enjoy it! And definitely go give THIS version of this song a listen!

xox

Polkahotness

"If I Didn't Care" - Amy Adams & Lee Pace

(Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day SOUNDTRACK)

HOW could he say that to me?

HOW could Arnold think I didn't care about him?

I was near raging as I got home, raced to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me; my chest rising and falling with each rapid breath I took while I rested against the door. My fingers gripped at the wood before clenching entirely into fists and I huffed angrily with my eyes tightly shut while I replayed Arnold's words over and over again like a movie playing behind my eyelids.

"I'm just not sure anymore, Helga. It's like... it's like you don't care about me anymore."

How could he have SAID that to me?

How could he have the slightest INKLING that I- ME! Helga G. FREAKIN' Pataki?! The very woman who worshiped him since the age of 3! -no longer CARED about him?

I mean, sure, I'd been a little DISTANT since we graduated, but it wasn't like HE hadn't either. We were busy! He had school and work while trying to help his parents with the selling of the boarding house. And I had classes I NEEDED to pass or I'd lose all my scholarships which I'd worked TOO DAMN HARD to lose. We were just... BUSY.

But that CERTAINTLY didn't mean I'd stopped CARING about him.

How could I ever, EVER stop caring about Arnold?

My thoughts slowed as the sentence rolled around in my head; echoing there as I fluttered my eyes open.

How could I ever stop CARING about Arnold?

I slid down the door to sit in a crumpled ball; my breathing now slowed entirely though my heart continued to beat rapidly inside my chest. My eyes began to swell with tears I could see at the base of my vision; the water looking like the horizon over a lake through my sight of the childhood room I was now sitting on the floor in.

"You think I don't care?" I asked aloud to the four walls of my bedroom while a single tear spilled over the edge to slide down my cheek. "How could you possibly think I don't care?"

I blinked a few times in an effort to clear my eyes of tears; soon unable to stop them once they'd started. I cried for a moment- the silent sort of cry that hurts in your chest while you try to control it. A solid lump grew in my throat as I held the sobs back; words soon leaving my lips as if to try and distract my soon-to-be sobs.

"If I didn't.. CARE..." The word came out harsh, the very letters of it seeming to cut at my skin like razors. "Then Why-why would every word you say h-hAUNT me and stay WITH me each moment of every day? Why would it all even MATTER to me if I didn't CARE?"

The wallpaper around me offered now help- the teal mixed with yellow hearts staring back at me as if waiting for me to continue.

I swallowed a chunk of the lump in my throat away; my thoughts organizing as my words came out stronger and louder than before.

"And if I didn't CARE because CLEARY- I can't possibly LOVE you -then how come this all HURTS so damn bad? How come..." I took a deep breath to steady myself, "whenever you're around me, the earth starts to spin and I can hardly hold on unless I'm looking into those beautiful pools of emerald." My voice softened and for a moment, though a brief moment it was, the tension built up in my body vanished and my eyes saw clearly ahead of me in the empty room.

As if in a temporary trance, I whispered, "Those beautiful eyes that pierce through my thick skin and delve deep into my very SOUL. They see me, they've ALWAYS seen me for all that I truly am- all that I've ever TRULY been. The world spins and spins while you hold me to this Earth- those eyes anchoring me to the world that's shown NO mercy my way- except... except for you, Arnold, my love."

I pictured him there, as if he were standing above me and offering his hand to help me up. I stared to the empty space I imagined him occupying, and I shook my head at his invisible gesture.

Picking up my pace again with a new flame under me, my voice strengthened once more. "No. I don't CARE, remember? How could I CARE?" I spat the words at the false image of him and he disolved away into nothing as I saw the room once again for what it was- just my bedroom.

I pushed myself up off of the ground and stood, my eyes fluttering down to look at my muddy converse tied onto my feet. "Don't you think if I didn't care," I said to my feet with a sigh. "everything would be different?"

Glancing up, I sighed again and shoved my hands into the pockets of the jacket I was wearing. "If I didn't care, would I still tease you and give you crap with the smile you always said you loved? Wouldn't I just give up the whole act and leave you be? Criminy," I grumbled while walking to stand beside my still messy bed from the morning. "you'd think if I didn't CARE, the whole thing would just STOP. You'd THINK that I'd just let it all GO and ignore you completely. I'd say, 'that's it, buster, we're through' and leave you behind?"

I shut my eyes gently, the room spinning around me as I stood before my bed. With a deep exhale, I let go of the world around me and collapsed face first onto the bed; my face buried in the pile of sheets I'd fallen on. I breathed in the detergent and kept my eyes shut, my thoughts wandering as I lay there.

There'd be no more poems, no more inspiration, no more ANYTHING without you! And you don't even REALIZE?! You-You are my MUSE- the very blood that pumps through my veins each day to keep my cold, beating heart alive. If I didn't CARE, your words- not mine, wouldn't that all just... go away? Wouldn't I stop believing in ALL of that; stop believing in my very LOVE for you, if I truly, really didn't care?

I moved to roll over and lay on my back while my eyes opened to focus up on the ceiling above me. My eyes focused in on the tiny bumps of the white drywalled ceiling; my brain playing tricks on me as pictures seemed to emerge like a connect-the-dots game kids played on the backs of paper menus in restaurants.

"I'm so sure of my feelings for you, you stupid goon." I said to the imaginary pictures that formed the shape of Arnold's head with each drywall dot. "Since the day we MET I was sure and you even KNEW... I thought for SURE you knew, after EVERYTHING we've BEEN through- I swore you knew..." I shook my head as it lay on the sheets; my eyes closing once more.

I sighed; allowing my lungs to empty themselves completely before at last taking another breath to fill them once more.

"Wouldn't all of THAT be true if I didn't care for you?"

Arnold's face painted itself behind my lids, my thoughts soon gravitating to him calmly as my entire body began to slowly relax itself.

I know Arnold cares, I found myself thinking; the very words sounding quiet in my head like scared thoughts afraid to voice themselves. I know he feels the same.

I smirked to myself where I lay with my eyes still shut and said to myself, "I know that through the years, that weird little football-head has grown to 'see the light' and care for me ALMOST as much as I care for him."

Sitting up suddenly, my eyes shot open and I shook my head in mild frustration. "So shouldn't he be SURE that the love we've developed for one another is REAL and RAW and full of emotions we've poured INTO our relationship since DAY ONE? Shouldn't he, if HE cares, beLIEVE in us? Believe in...me?"

My voice broke at the final word; my heart tugging at the thought of Arnold suddenly not believing in me- something he's been the only one able to do every since I can remember. My eyes began to well once again with tears that easily slipped over the edges to coat my cheeks with it's salty residue.

Shaking my head as I cried, I shut my eyes tightly as if I could erase the world around me- erase the world and erase the thoughts I couldn't stop as they roamed around in my head. Tension built in my body once more; the lump returning to my throat though I tried to swallow it away.

After a few sobs escaped my body, I took a breath and steadied myself as the tears began to slow to a crawl down my cheeks. "But he DOES believe in you Helga, ol' girl," I quietly said to myself as my eyes slowly opened to stare down at my feet dangling over the edge of the bed. "If he didn't... he... he..." I tried to swallow at the lump once more with little success. "he'd just have broken UP with you..."

Slowly I raised my head up to stare back out at the four walls of my bedroom. "Hell, I would have broken up with you... if I didn't care like you SAID I don't- like you ACCUSED that I didn't." A sad scoff came carelessly out of me and I shook my head slowly with a dry smile lining my lips. "Wouldn't I, huh Arnold? Wouldn't THAT be true if I REALLY didn't CARE for you?"

My body drained itself of energy; my entire self now tired from all the tears I'd uselessly cried. I reached my hands up to cover my face; the cool of my fingertips soothing my red and puffy eyes. They lingered there for a moment as I composed myself and let the flood of emotions out from inside of me where they'd been brewing since this all happened only moments ago.

"I'm just not sure anymore, Helga. It's like... it's like you don't care about me anymore."

I flopped back to once again lay on my bed while my hands stayed blanketing my face.

"Like I don't care..." I said into my hands, the words coming out muffled as they bounced off of my skin. The silence surrounded me as I breathed into my palms before finally dropping my hands to my sides. Keeping my eyes shut, I said with a frown. "As if I could EVER not care for you."