Gene Police! Get out of the pool!

Cliff Notes for Ninjas
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides
By Kaori

Part Two: The Shinobi's Guide to Amateur Dentistry

"Oooooh." Moaned Chouji, clutching his left cheek.

"You've been moaning like that for two days now, why don't you go see the dentist?" scolded Ino.

She, Chouji, and Shikamaru were hanging out on the roof of the Yamanaka family flower shop.

"No! He'll tell me can't eat like I want to!" Chouji protested. "Besides, it's just a little toothache…OWWWOWOW!" Shikamaru sighed.

"Open your mouth Chouji." The Akimichi complied. Shikamaru easily spotted the problem tooth. Who could not when it was practically turning black? "I'm no dentist but anyone can see that tooth needs to come out."

"No! No dentists!"

"Well, if you won't see the dentist I suppose we'll have to remove it ourselves." Ino said. "Shikamaru, yank it out."

"What! Why me?" glared Shikamaru.

"I'm not putting my hand in his mouth! Use your kagemane!"

"For that to work I'd have to remove my own tooth."

"So?"

"Mendokuse…"

"Owww…" groaned Chouji.

Shikamaru and Ino continued to argue until Mrs. Yamanaka came out and yelled at them for scaring away her customers.

Seeing as how Chouji was not going to agree to go to the dentist, and he'd be upset with them if they forced him using their families' respective jutsu, they had to resort to other methods.

Shikamaru finished tying the string around Chouji's rancid tooth as Ino tied the other end to the doorknob of a nearby closet door. It was a typical setup: slam the door, the string pulls taut and the offending tooth is pulled out. Simple, quick, and relatively painless; however the universe was conspiring against them…

SLAM!

"Awk!"

THUD!

Shikamaru blinked down at Chouji who was lying flat on his face. "That wasn't supposed to happen."

"Oowww…" moaned Chouji.

"Did it come out?" Ino asked, kneeling down to regard the Akimichi.

"No, it's still there and it hurts even more now." Chouji sat up and rubbed his jaw.

"Maybe we should use a shorter string." shrugged Shikamaru.

A shorter string was acquired and tied around Chouji's tooth and the doorknob.

SLAM!

"Awk!"

THUD

"Well, third time's the charm right?" Ino said, while Shikamaru helped Chouji up.

"No!" protested Chouji.

"All right, let's try something else." And she suddenly whipped out a pair of pliers. "Hold him down Shikamaru!" Chouji's eyes widened comically and he bolted. "Wow, I didn't know he could run that fast…"

Team 8 was out on a D-Rank mission for Hatake Kakashi of all people; buy fruits and vegetables for Uzumaki Naruto and then ensure that he eats them. Hinata was beet red the whole time they had been shopping, apparently fixated on the idea that she would have to go inside Naruto's apartment instead of hiding ineffectually behind the lampposts and staring at his door like usual. As she continued to agonize over this, she failed to pay adequate attention to the surrounding area and was completely bowled over when Chouji came running down the street. Kiba tripped him on his way past.

"What's the big idea, Chouji? You knocked poor Hinata down!" the dog-user demanded, Akanaru barking his displeasure as well as Shino helped the poor girl to her feet. Then he noticed the amount of terror the boy was radiating. "Geez, what's got you so spooked?" It was then that Ino and Shikamaru came bounding down the street.

"Chouji!" yelled Ino, waving the pliars around. Shino and Kiba raised their eyebrows and Chouji struggled in Kiba's grip.

"No! Don't let them get me!" he managed to shrug out of his green over shirt and ran off full tilt.

"You idiots you let him get away!" Ino screamed at them as she passed them. Now curious, Kiba gave chase as well. Shino, not wanting to go to Naruto's house with Hinata by himself (especially since Kiba would keep Naruto occupied and Hinata wouldn't faint as much) he followed as well. Naturally, Hinata would never go to Naruto's alone so she reluctantly joined the chase.

Up and down Konoha they raced, through restaurants (in which Chouji somehow managed to grab something to eat), around the Academy (several dozen times), past the Hokage Tower (and almost running over TenTen as she was coming out), and over the bridge where Team 7 usually met.

The teenagers finally caught up to their…portly friend when he tripped over Konohamaru and his friends' poorly disguised box. Kiba, panting slightly, demanded an explanation.

"Long story short, Chouji's got a tooth that seriously needs to come out but he won't go to the dentist so we're taking it out ourselves." Sighed Shikamaru.

"Did you try the string?" asked Kiba.

"Yeah, but it's stuck in there good." Grumbled Ino, and glared at Chouji who was now cowering behind Hinata. "We were going to use the pliers but he ran off."

"I have some aspirin." Hinata said softly. "It would help with the pain and then you could try taking the tooth out."

"That's a great idea!"

Chouji was given the anesthetic and Ino tried pulling the tooth out with the pliers with no success.

"Come on…" she grunted, pulling for all she was worth, and yet the tooth wouldn't budge. "It's no good I can't get it."

"Let me try." Said Kiba, taking the pliers from her. He had no success either. "Wow, it's really hanging in there."

"So now what do we do?"

"Hmm…" mused Kiba, and then suddenly whirled around and sucker-punched Chouj. He examined the ground and then Chouji's mouth. "Nope, still in there." The next thing he knew he was being choked by Ino.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"

"Grack..my sister…punched my tooth out once…I thought it…would work…"

"YOU COULD'VE ASKED FIRST!"

"So troublesome…" muttered Shikamaru. "Well there's only one more thing we could try." He plucked an apple out of Shino's bag. Shino raised an eyebrow. "Don't worry I'll pay you back. Here Chouji, bite this with the bad tooth."

The Akimichi did as he was told and Shikamaru was disappointed in the result. Seeing his disenchantment Ino asked what was supposed to happen. Basically the chuunin had hoped the tooth would get stuck in the apple when he bit it. Ino smacked him upside the head.

"If we couldn't pull it out what made you think that would work?" this set off another argument between the two. Team 8, needing to finish their mission, decided to leave; Chouji stood there watching his friends argue when he noticed his mother coming up the path.

Mrs. Akimichi had been looking for Chouji to run an errand for her. Once she got within a few feet of him she noticed the pained look on her son's face.

"What's wrong, Chouji? You're not feeling sick are you?" Chouji gave a sigh and told her what had gone on all day. "If your tooth was bothering you that much you should have told me. Open wide now." Chouji did as he was told. Mrs. Akimichi simply pinched the affected tooth and with one small tug pulled it out. Shikamaru and Ino stopped arguing and stared. "Feel better now?"

"Much! Thanks mom, you're the best!"

"But…but…the string! And the pliars!" Ino stammered.

"Let it go Ino." Sighed Shikamaru who had gotten over it already. Having a laissez-faire kind of personality was nice in situations such as this.

"But…"

"Just forget it, it's not worth thinking about."

You can probably tell why this never became a guide. The ending is terrible, the premise isn't nearly inane enough, and I couldn't figure out a way to make this longer and still have it make some sort of sense.