Author's Note: Hi everyone! And thank you to my lone reviewer!

I honestly do not think this is going to be a time travel fic, I just think Harry is just wicked smart in this. I might be persuaded to do some slash, but I can't decide on a couple yet. (It will probably be Batjokes because I'm trash for that, but I could be persuaded to do Snarry or Tomarry.) I still cannot decide on what Dumbles is going to be! I'm thinking Male!Amanda Waller, but I'm not 100% on that. Again, I own nothing, I regret nothing. Let's do this!

Harry was sitting in the hospital wing when Barty Jr. came for him. Unfortunately, he was not alone.

"I've come to prove my worth to the Dark Lord, Potter!" said Draco, "By bringing him your head!"

-Ten minutes earlier-

Voldemort examined the pompous blond in front of him. Draco's father was shaking in terror behind the boy, but the boy seemed unperturbed. Voldemort aimed to change that.

"From now on, Draco, you will be my new Left Hand. You will be my most trusted servant-"

"Hold on! I am a Malfoy! And Malfoys do not serve."

Voldemort threw back his head and laughed. Good manners be damned, every follower except the Malfoys took a collective step back. Lucius was horrified that his boy could have made such a mistake, and Draco was just plain stupid.

"CRUCIO!" Voldemort put the Malfoy boy under intense pain for several minutes, to break the boy's foolish resolve. Draco's screams filled the graveyard, but all in vain. No one was coming to save him, not even his own father. When Draco's throat could no longer produce cries of agony, Voldemort relented.

"Imperio." said Voldemort, now that he was calmer.

"I am Draco Malfoy, I will be your server." came the rasping response.

A few potions from Snape, who was properly subdued after seeing the harm done to his godson, and the boy could talk again.

Voldemort leered menacingly. "As my new left hand, your first task is simple. Bring me Harry Potter's head."

Lucius gasped.

"Something troubles you, Lucius? Hmm?" Voldemort purred.

"My Lord, forgive me, but there is no possible way for my son to succeed in the task you give him! We will be mopping him up off the floor once Potter is finished with him!" Lucius blurted. Then he tensed, expecting a crucio or for his lord to drain him dry.

Instead, Voldemort grinned, flashing elegantly curved fangs. They were bright white and eager for the coming blood stains on their smooth surfaces.

"I know, Lucius." Voldemort said. "I know."

-A few moments later-

"Chorus Corpus!" shouted Harry, before either man or boy could react. The curse, aimed at Barty Jr., was merely a distraction, however. While Malfoy was occupied with Barty singing a what the Muggles called a "goth song," Harry was already aiming at Draco with another spell on his lips.

"Sectumsempra!" Harry yelled. The force of the spell hitting Draco's neck knocked him down, sending his wand clattering away from his nerveless fingers. Fortunately, Harry had just missed the major veins and arteries. Unfortunately, it was still a neck wound, and Draco could bleed out if help did not arrive soon.

For the second time that evening, no help was coming.

"Oh, Barty~" Singsonged Harry. "I have a proposition for you."

Barty did his best to face Harry, but twirled soon anyway. He was still singing.

"~Don't tell your parents you're here, They will soon be mourners!/Welcome to the Lower Birth, the Greatest Show Unearthed…"

Barty was now swaying near Draco's bleeding body. Harry just grinned. A grin which turned into a full blown chuckle when Barty slipped in the pool of blood and fell, still dancing when he landed.

"Someone looks naughty." Harry remarked. "But about my proposition… SILENCIO!"

Barty went silent, still twitching in an effort to dance.

"I want to have an official meeting with your master, on my terms. Also, I want him to have these." Harry cast the countercurse and handed Barty a whoopie cushion and a handgun.

"Borrowed these off the twins." He grinned. "Remind me to send them a few galleons."

After Crouch Jr. disapparated, Harry sighed, looking at Draco.

"I suppose I cannot kill you yet." He glanced up and spoke to the double doors. "You guys can come in, now."

Sirius, Ron, Hermione and Madame Pomfrey spilled into the room.

Hermione was the first to speak. "Riddle me this-"

Harry cracked a genuine smile. It was still frightening™. But it was genuine. "I dare you to say that to Tommy-boy."

Ron stared. "Hey, puddin? Did you just refer to the Dark Lord as 'Tommy-boy'?"

Harry smirked. "I did. Now, what are we going to do about Dumbles? I am sick of dealing with his contradictory rules and general bullshit. I have set up a meeting with the Dark Lord, but we will need a more immediate plan if that does not go well."

"Of course it will go well, puddin! You planned it!" Ron exclaimed.

Harry let out an honest to god giggle.

"You're quite right, Ronnie."