an: The title of the fic and of the chapters come from Hidden Away by Josh Groban. I was going to wait a full week before posting another chapter, but since I'm done this chapter, and procrastinating a whole lot of other things. Hope everyone who is reading is enjoying this story so far.
Chapter 2 - Held In Silence Day After Day
She smirked as Garrus finished one of his many stories. Her half eaten plate of food forgotten as she half laughed. The conversation had somehow digressed into past relations that some of the 'officers' had. Some had retired to their cabins for the night with the change of topic away from the civil places that it had been before. Some were more forth coming with their stories than others, but often with a bit of prodding and another glass of whatever it was that was in the bottle that Gardner had pulled out, the stories had kept flowing. Anika stayed for her people, and for the alcohol, social drinking was far more acceptable than what she was use to doing, sneaking it when no one was looking.
"What about you Commander," Zaeed arched a brow at the woman sitting at the far end of the group. Anika shrugged, there were not many stories for her to tell on the matter, and the ones that could be told she didn't want to bring up. She did not want to bring him up. Her gaze fell to her glass which was emptier than she thought it should be.
"Nothing worth noting," she offered hoping that would be the end of the conversation.
"Aww come on Commander," Jack slurred slightly from the other side of the table. "There has to be something, or someone," Anika tensed as she realized that the topic wasn't going away, and that the more she tried to avoid it the more that the eyes trained on her. Glance up she met each of their eyes slowly as she scanned the increasingly shrinking crowed. Jack, Joker, Garrus, Zaeed, Chakwas, and Thane. She couldn't help but notice the tension that had fallen on the half of the group that had served under her command on the SR1 as well.
"It's not all that interesting," she reiterated, but based on the scoffing noise that Jack was making, she wasn't going to get away with it that easily. "We worked together, I'd had a particularly rough day and it was only leading to what was going to be a particularly rough week and we, how did you put it Garrus? Needed to blow off some steam?" she shrugged her shoulders.
"That's a bullshit cop out if I ever heard one," Zaeed mumbled. Anika clenched her jaw for a moment, relaxing only when she had come up with more vague and not so juicy additions to the story.
"I practically had to drag him kicking and screaming, he was all about regulations, so uncertain about every choice he made," he had reminded her of a lost puppy, so in need of guidance and she had been in need of companionship. "He liked to follow regulations, and I did not, at least not always," maybe things hadn't changed all that much, "but it sort of worked out in the end," she turned her gaze down to the glass in front of her. There was nothing left to say on the matter as far as she was concerned. Kaiden and her were so over now that it almost made their brief whatever it had been feel like nothing at all.
"So you blew off steam, beat the crap out of something, and then what?" Jack reached over to grab the bottle of alcohol topping off the commander's glass. She had hoped the conversation wouldn't head in that direction, but it had, and her current levels of intoxication meant that she was already speaking again before she could right herself.
"Well, let's see" the bitterness creeping in her voice more than she intended as she raised her now full glass to her lips and took a long drink. "I died for two years and when we met again he whined about me not calling him," she laughed, a dry angry laugh. Her jaw clenched as she waited for a reaction, one that she didn't get. She had hoped that they would laugh too and the conversation would move on to someone knew.
"Damn, what an asshole," was all that Jack said as she leaned back in her chair the drunk stupor seeming to part enough that she vaguely had comprehended the severity of the commander's words.
"Well, I think that's about it for me," Anika pushed herself away from the table, standing slightly too quick for the amount of alcohol she had so far consumed. Reaching down she carelessly picked up her glass, and drank the swill down quickly. Setting the empty class back down on the table her hands clenched around the back of the chair for a moment. The few more lucid of the bunch continued to stare at her. Thane for one, with the same stare that she had felt on the shuttle earlier that day. Garrus, her trusted friend, although tipsy was apparently more sober than she had thought. Chakwas perhaps questioning the mental state of the Commander right now, at least that was what Anika was reading from the woman's features. Joker was preoccupied with a ice cube in his glass, she could hear it clank against the sides as he pushed it up and down in the liquid with one finger. Pushing away she turned swiftly, waving two fingers of her right hand over her shoulder at the still semi-conscious bunch, "night folks," she tried to sound chipper as she headed to the elevator.
She hated him. Maybe he had been right though, maybe the lines had been there for a reason. Anika had always been the type who knew what she wanted and would do whatever she needed to obtain it. Kaiden had been who she wanted, she had been confident that it wouldn't interfere with her duties, and she was certain that it had not. That didn't stop him from questioning her motives on multiple topics, from saving him instead of Ashley, to the pursuing of the relationship despite time and regulations. After the attack on the Citadel she had hoped that he'd finally see that she could both be a capable commander as well as a woman. Yet, if Horizon had taught her anything, it was that he was not the man she thought he was. That had not made the betrayal hurt any less. "What a bastard, I'd have been happy to see her after two fucking years," she heard Jack continue to rant and slur her words in an increasingly incoherent mess as the door to the elevator began to close.
She was fine.
All she had to do was pull the trigger.
She wasn't fine.
She was glad that she had consumed as much alcohol with the crew as she had that night. It meant that her secret stash could go back in the drawer for now. The haze of the alcohol was at the right place now that she was certain that sleep would find her easily tonight. It also meant that she didn't have to go raid the bar in Kasumi's room so soon, which would save the questioning looks she had been getting from the young thief lately when she snuck in to pilfer one (or two) bottles of whatever she could get her hands on. Back in her quarters she was quick to curl up under the covers sleep found her in minutes thanks to the alcohol.
She was falling or floating, it was always so hard to tell, it definitely felt like she was being pulled downward. Someone was screaming for her, screaming for help. Looking around she could not see anyone in the darkness. They sounded so close, why couldn't she see who it was? The realization hit her that she was, in fact, the source of the pleas. So dark. So cold. So alone.
Morning came far too quickly, and the accompanying headache was only adding to unpleasantly early hour at which EDI had woke her up. Getting dressed quickly she added sunglasses to her normal combat attire. It was a classy but practical addition to her wardrobe. Another day, another task to complete. Today they were off to destroy a base that the Geth had recently taken over. Things going boom, simple, easy, uncomplicated. Tucking her pistol into place she noted that it continued to feel heavy in her grasp.
Heading down to the shuttle bay she gave a small nod to Garrus and Tali waiting for her, geared up and ready to go. Tali was the obvious choice against the Geth, Garrus had requested being included, and after ignoring the request for the last few jobs she had to concede that she could not ignore them any longer. It was all part of the facade of being okay, of being normal.
It was a typical mission, land, run to cover, shoot some Geth, move to the next room, and so the pattern continued. Another room, another round of Geth to deal with. A few rounds and her shields fell. Maybe she should just let a few more hit her. It would be a more valiant and acceptable death to a bullet to her brain in her quarters or - for that matter- being spaced. It would be one that the crew could forgive, one that would be tragic, but would rally the troops.
Vaulting over one of the crates she began to charge toward the large synthetic life form. A surge of adrenaline propelling her forward. She had no biotics, and was glad that it hadn't been an improvement that Cerberus had simply implemented against her will. At the moment, however, it would have been an asset to propelling herself towards the enemy line without shields. Her squad reacted and she frowned slightly as Geth were picked off on either side of her before they could get a clean shot. Pulling out her pistol she fired as she ran towards a Geth Prime. It fell as it fired a final rocket blast, the trajectory knocked off of course missing her by a good foot, but she still felt the heat, and it felt good. "Set the charges and we can get out of here," she shouted, not daring to look behind her as she downloaded research files from the computer in the corner.
"We're ready when you are Shepard," Tali's melodic voice sounded in her ear. Closing the link the woman rested her hand on her hip, allowing the other one to dangle loosely at her side, as she turned to face her squad mates. Garrus looked decidedly unhappy. Anika's brow furrowed.
"Then let's move out," she did the best to make the statement come off as casual and not agitated. She hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, it was the first time in awhile that she could say she felt alive. The rush that she had felt heading toward her imminent demise was one that couldn't wait to duplicate again. The ride back in the shuttle was unusually quiet for one that involved the Turian, he was sitting rigidly avoiding her eye contact.
Unpacking herself from the shuttle she rolled her shoulders back, feeling that perhaps the experience was what she needed to deal with the dark cloud that had taken its hold on her lately. Her guard was uncharacteristically down when she felt a strong arm grab her from shoulder and spin her around. "What the hell was that," and angry Turian was bearing down on her.
"What?" confused as to what he was talking about, she shrugged herself free from his grasp.
"Down there, what the hell were you thinking!" his voice rose in volume, anger clear in his voice, but there was something else as well. Fear? Perhaps, but that seemed so unlike him.
"I was doing my job, and it was taking too long," she pulled her arm across her chest, stretching out the muscles.
"Taking too long!? We could barely keep up the suppressing fire," his mandibles twitched in irritation. Tali shifted her weight, arms crossed over her chest.
"It was reckless, even for you Shepard," the Quarian spoke up finally. The Commander's brow furrowed, her gaze shifting between the pair. Her mind was racing through all the things she should say, and many things that she should just let slip from her mind.
"It's not like you to question my judgment," was all that she could manage and still sound civil, though she was feeling defensive. She hadn't been in any real danger, and besides, the danger had been what made it feel so damn exciting.
"Shepard-" Garrus began with a heavy sigh, his shoulders raising and falling. "That's not what I meant," She held her hand up, gesturing him to stop that thought before it continued.
"I'm turning in, and I don't think I'll be down for dinner tonight," she turned on her heels and headed toward the door. Heading back up to the crew deck she stopped in the kitchen area just long enough to pick up a couple individual bags of military rations. It wouldn't taste that great, but it meant that she wouldn't have to return down there during the dinner hour. Hopefully Gardner wouldn't be too terribly insulted by her not eating his food today.
Her entire body felt tense as she headed toward the elevator once more. Turning the corner to the elevator she caught movement out of the corner of her eye. Her head snapped up see the familiar lithe frame of the Drell leaning against the wall. His dark eyes following her movements, "you need something Thane?" the words left her mouth before she could stop them. Normally she liked talking to her crew, in fact she had built up strong relationships by talking to them and helping them out with various problems, but she wasn't sure how much she had left in her. She had, at some point, prioritized their own needs above her own. If they were happy, capable, sane, and loyal, what did it matter what she felt, needed, wanted?
"Not joining us tonight, Siha?" his head tilted to the side ever so slightly in a questioning manner. She glanced down at the nutritionally valid but rather unsatisfactory meal as she pondered both his inquiry and the use of the word that she still did not understand.
"I have a lot of work to do," lies, she didn't really have that much to do. She would do the same thing that she had done every evening. Check her messages, drink, clean her gun. He hadn't moved from his place, with his hands folded comfortably in front of him. Tucking her hair behind her ears she turned to call the elevator.
"I will miss your presence at dinner," he gave her a nod. Why? It wasn't as though he was a very vocal member of the table at dinner.
"I should be going," she cut the conversation short, as the elevator opened for her. Backing in she averted her eyes from him once more, feeling as though he could look right through her and see all that she was trying to hide if she made eye contact too long. It was stupid, she knew it couldn't be true, but that didn't make her feel any better.
"Shepard," he moved swiftly placing a hand over the sensor preventing the door from closing just yet. "Thank you again, for your help with Kolyat," she shook her head, trying to brush him off, it wasn't a big deal, she would do the same for any of her crew (and in most cases she had). Would they do the same for her? "If you want or need someone to return the favour, my door is always open," he released his grip pushing away and letting the door close before she could say that she was fine.
It frustrated her, hearing the offer that he had made. Not because she thought it was misplaced, but rather for the wholly irrational reason that there were people here that cared for her as much as she cared for them. Sure, she knew it on some level, expected it even, but to hear it from a man that she had only known for a few months, it bothered her. She wasn't worthy of the loyalty that she demanded, what had she done? Helped a few members resolve family issues? Help others take revenge? Did they really know her at all? How could they when she was too stubborn and afraid to let them in?
How could she even start when she wasn't even sure she was human any more. People didn't just come back from the dead. It didn't feel right, or natural, or even possible. She had lost so much only to get hung out to dry by the very people she had been trying to protect the most. She had gained some trust back, but after today she was certain that she lost it all again.
Back in her quarters she tossed her meal onto the desk, before turning to wiggle a finger at the tiny hamster who was peeking out at her from beneath his bedding material. "You look so comfortable under there," her finger pressed against the glass causing the rodent to wiggle it's nose toward her. Letting out a sigh she left the tiny rodent alone and moved to the bathroom starting her evening ritual of stripping, showering, and returning to her uniform before sitting down at her terminal and attempting to go through her new messages.
Pouring herself a glass of the purple alcohol that she had taken out of the bar in Kasumi's room she ate her meal in relative silence. It wasn't all that tasty, and it was certainly a far cry from what she would have expected from Gardner's meal.
A few hours later and she had moved her solo party from her desk to her couch, having given up at sorting through any of her mail. Words had started to blend together and she couldn't tell which ones were thanks and which ones were asking for something anymore . The bottle becoming rather empty rather quickly. "Commander Shepard," EDI's light flickered in her terminal by the door. She didn't respond at first as she attempted to figure out if there was something she was suppose to be doing that she had forgot about. Had she made arrangements for a meeting and simply forgot. "Garrus Vakarian wishes access to your cabin," her body tensed.
"Let him in," she leaned back on the couch, resting her arm on the back of it, casually holding the half full glass in her hand, resting it against her leg which was propped up and half crossed over her other one. The doors to her quarters slid open and the Turian hesitated. "Down here," she stuck up her hand so that he could see it through the display case, just to make sure she waved it slightly. "To what do I owe the honour of the visit?" her eyes closed and she let her head flop back against the back of the sofa.
"Shepard, I" he played with his hands, avoiding looking at her. Her head rose and the room spun slightly, "I didn't mean to question you today," she shrugged. All these people caring about her, and she couldn't or wouldn't let them in. It made no sense and she wasn't above realizing the contradiction in her own line of thoughts. Was she the same Shepard that he had known back when they had taken down Saren? All she could keep telling herself was that she shouldn't be alive. Maybe she should be a little more grateful than she was. What the hell was wrong with her? "Are you drunk?" His next words had caught her off guard, maybe because she had yet to properly acknowledge his apology.
"Not yet," she took another sip of her beverage of choice. "Look," she began slowly, "I should have given you a heads up before I moved, that was my mistake," she had to be more careful, that was all. He concentrated his gaze on her, his face tight and unyielding. She couldn't read it, but she knew that she didn't like it. "Care to join me?" she gestured to the other empty spots on the couch.
He shook his head, "no, I have some calibrations to work on. I just wanted to-" his head titled, and she didn't miss the way he glanced between her and the bottle on the table, "-clear the air," he crossed his arms giving her one more glance over.
"Consider it cleared," her voice quiet. He turned to leave, and she was certain she could hear him mumbling under his breath something about it being less clear than she thought.